So NEW and need advice!

UntamedHottie

New member
Hello....I am so new to this and have no idea how to use this site....

I met a guy who is polyamorous...I'm not. But the thing is, I knew he was married and I was ok with this. But after not quite a month of seeing each other and falling head over heels for this man, he tells me he loves me, I admit I cried. Love doesnt come easy for me, hard for me to say, but later that night I told him I love him...which is the truth. He then tells me after that, that he has another female he goes and sees.....that Im not so comfortable with that and I really don't know how many he is seeing. I can handle him being married but seeing others??? Can anyone give me advice how to handle this type of situation...I have never been in anything like this before....the only thing closest was seeing a married man for nearly 10 years but discrete.....any info would be great....I LOVE THIS MAN!!!
 
He did not inform me in the beginning that he was polyamorous, he told me he was in an OPEN relationship with his wife...then he tells me AFTER I told him I was in love with him that he has girlfriends too and wants me to be one...forgot to mention that in the previous thread. But now I am crazy about him I just dont know how to react or act or whatever....do I just SUCK IT UP and let it be???
 
Well you went into this relationship already knowing he was married. Does his wife know? Have you met her? Has she met any of his other girls? I think if he is genuinely poly, then there's no reason you shouldn't pursue it. You say you love him. If he's just cheating on his wife... Fuck that... In as polite words as I can manage. =P
 
his wife does know and I have spoken to her...havent met her in person yet, that is happening on Monday. I have no idea if he brought anyone home or if wife met them. I just dont know how to handle the situation....I really dont want to know when he is with others, I would really hate it if he was in the city and not see me. How do I cope with that? I have always been a one person girl...whatever that word is....too confused to even think.
 
I've always been in mono relationships myself. I doubt he'd come into town and not at least come say hi to you. How would that show how much you mean to him? =P You're just being paranoid. Nothing wrong with that, but just don't act on your paranoia, because you'll almost always make a mistake. Always communicate openly and make sure you know what level each other is at. Make sure you're both doing what it takes to keep each other happy.
 
He already told me that he would NOT see me each time he is in town as he has to keep others happy. I pretty much only get to see him is when we have to work....which is NOT often. And not enough for me to keep me happy. In the beginning it was constant every other day...now I havent seen him in a week....his other girlfriend comes back after the new year so I will see him less....so how am I gonna handle that? Going from seeing him every other day to once in a while?
 
I am in a similar situation to your love. I am married and have a boyfriend. With much negotiation we have agreed that I will not be with other men sexually. It took a lot of talking and a lot of rearranging our lives, but it works for us and I am happy.

There is no reason why you have to suck it up and pretend that you are okay and will be happy. I would think that will eventually eat your heart out and make you miserable. If this man has decided he loves you then I think I would ask him to establish with you what the boundaries to your relationship would be. That is totally reasonable. It sounds like you require that he contact you when he is in the city and that he see you. It also sounds like he needs to start being honest about who he is seeing. Perhaps you could even request that he stop adding lovers to his life as he is getting short of time enough to establish and maintain fulfilling and connected relationships. There might be more you would ask of him that you would add.

People who love each other show it by doing their best to help those they love get their needs met. This relationship is not an affair like the one you had for 10 years. This one is structured so that you can enjoy some time with this man and legitimately ask for some of your needs to be met. It doesn't sound like he is willing and able to meet all of them so you will have to decide if it is worth working on... starting with communicating about some stuff seems like a great place to start and see if you and he are up to it. Meeting his wife is a really good first step also. :)
 
+1 to everything redpepper said. Very wise words. =]
 
Thanks Redpepper....I will ask him more questions but I think all my questions are starting to frustrate him. We did speak a little last night and he mostly treated it like nothing was wrong. I got frustrated and logged off as he was only replying every 10 or 15 mins. He is on his way into the city tonight as we both are working the New Years eve party. So it will be better to talk in person. His wife helped alot too, hell maybe I will start a relationship with her LOL!!! I would love to tell him I dont want him seeing others sexually, but cant do that. But I will ask what the boundaries are. I really dont want to know when he is seeing his other girl(s) I think that will put me over the edge. I have asked that he not add anymore but never really got a response out of it. So I know there is one other girl definately but I dont know how many others. Apparently this other girl is someone that we both work with. So how will he divide his time once this other person comes back? Like say, when we work I have been leaving with him and spending little amount of time with him before he drives home. Now that this other girl is coming back who will he choose? This is where I think I will be on the backburner cuz I was last to be added into his life and that is not cool with me. ~shrugs~
 
well, as long as you are okay with what he wants and can live with it, then there is no harm. I would wonder if you want more though and that is totally okay. Asking for more might mean you lose him, but you can go slow with that and pace your questions. It's okay to ask them and then just say you are willing to wait for a response for a few days. This to me is what communication is about.

If a guy is not willing to answer or is frustrated and blows me off for asking questions when I am not comfortable then they are not worth it I think. Personally I am not interested in men that don't respect communication, my emotions and concerns for my own life. I give them the respect they ask for so I expect the same in return... its give and take.

To me its self respect to make sure I am okay with my world. Poly is what we make it and is our own relationship with ourselves as much as it is with other people. If someone doesn't fit my description of a responsible ethical poly relationship then I don't date them. Maybe deciding what you think an ethically responsible relationship is would help so that you have a foundation of your own to start from. Doing some reading here might help with that. Try doing a tag search for boundaries, rules, foundations... look at the stickies and see if you can find something that would help... the thread on "poly lessons learned" for instance.
 
Looked for that Poly lessons learned and couldnt find it...well I ran outta time LOL.

sighs....Im just gonna let it all slide and see how I feel....last night pissed me off though. Someone kept messaging the dam cell phone and he wouldnt tell me who it was. So Im assuming its his other girl. We were having a cat nap between our jobs we had booked. So no sleep for me.

Anyways HAPPY NEW YEAR and I am gonna make some changes for myself...not sure what as I was informed Im not allowed to see others unless I love them...tried to tell him only as a friend but not as a lover....he says NOPE you cant see them then. Oh well gotta figure out something LOL!!!!!!!!!
 
. . . I was informed Im not allowed to see others unless I love them...tried to tell him only as a friend but not as a lover....he says NOPE you cant see them then.
Being told with whom I am "allowed" to hang out would simply be unacceptable to me. What kind of crap is that? I choose my friends and know best who is good for me and whom I wish to have in my life. Your bf appears to only have his own best interest at heart, and doesn't seem to care enough about you. Can you really live with being dictated to, in that way? Also, I think it would benefit you to examine why you find a married man who is cheating and lying more amenable than someone who is open and poly. If there is any common thread in what you're written about here, it would seem to have something to do with your self-esteem and the kind of treatment by others you feel you deserve.
 
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Looked for that Poly lessons learned and couldnt find it...well I ran outta time LOL.

sighs....Im just gonna let it all slide and see how I feel....last night pissed me off though. Someone kept messaging the dam cell phone and he wouldnt tell me who it was. So Im assuming its his other girl. We were having a cat nap between our jobs we had booked. So no sleep for me.

Anyways HAPPY NEW YEAR and I am gonna make some changes for myself...not sure what as I was informed Im not allowed to see others unless I love them...tried to tell him only as a friend but not as a lover....he says NOPE you cant see them then. Oh well gotta figure out something LOL!!!!!!!!!

It sounds like you're not getting what you need out of the relationship AND he's telling you can't seek that from others.

It may be challenging, but figuring out what your needs are and communicating them compassionately seems like a useful thing to do in this situation.

You have to be willing to give up the relationship, however, if it's not or can't meet your needs. Love is not an excuse to subjugate your legitimate needs and desires to that of another. Particularly, if he's not willing acknowledge those needs and compromise as appropriate. Being willing to deal with the pain of ending a relatoinship early when it's clear you're not going to get what you need for the relationship to be successful is healthy and reduces your aggregate sorrow.
 
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Looked for that Poly lessons learned and couldnt find it...well I ran outta time LOL.

sighs....Im just gonna let it all slide and see how I feel....last night pissed me off though. Someone kept messaging the dam cell phone and he wouldnt tell me who it was. So Im assuming its his other girl. We were having a cat nap between our jobs we had booked. So no sleep for me.

Anyways HAPPY NEW YEAR and I am gonna make some changes for myself...not sure what as I was informed Im not allowed to see others unless I love them...tried to tell him only as a friend but not as a lover....he says NOPE you cant see them then. Oh well gotta figure out something LOL!!!!!!!!!

"poly lessons we have learned" thread :) http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2858

Bullshit on the telling you what to do. He can request that you don't and offer you some reasons why he would struggle. Talk about his feelings and concerns, but to "tell" you what you will and will not do is just bullshit. Unless he is your Dom or master in a BDSM way, which I suspect he isn't. If he wants to be, then that is for you to decide and negotiate. It doesn't sound like negotiating is his way of doing things. I wonder what his wife has been forced to put up with... well, she wouldn't be forced as she has free will, but if he pulls that shit on you, then what is he pulling on others?

Sorry, I know this is a man you love, but with this new info he sounds like a control freak that likes to collect women. Blah :mad: might not be true, but it might help to tell him that is how he comes across. That is very unappealing and no way to get the respect and love that he needs.
 
Apparently she is the one that got him to do this poly thingy. I was just gonna go find some other guy to keep me happy in the bedroom department but not allowed to have F-buddies. Gotta love the dude first....well I explained to him I have no other love to give as my heart has been trampled, squashed and blended up too many times.

And yes he is the Master (Boss) me I just do what I am told. But at this point I think its just not fair that he is allowed to make love to others as he loves them but Im not allowed to have just plain old sex with NO CONNECTIONS, just satisfaction as I am not getting enough. Once a week just dont cut it for me. LOL!! Too much info...onto something else...

For the 3 hours that we had ALONE time, even though we were in the same buildings for 14 hours, this was an hour before work and two hours between work...which is my time with him....his cell phone kept going off constantly....I hated it. I wanted to throw the dang thing away....when I asked if it was wifey and how everything was at home and stuff he didnt say anything, so I assumed it was his other girl...He kept quiet like he was hiding. So that pissed me off more. So I told him that I hated his cell phone going off all the time when we are together, this is MY time...the answer I got was....."ah okay, sorry"
 
Do you have a master/slave dom/sub relationship with him? Or were you being sarcastic... cause that would really make a difference.

It sounds like you have some negotiating to do. I was told by my husband that if he and I are together then I am not to look at my phone. I realized that if I had to tell him what I was reading then I would be uncomfortable and would feel like I am disrespecting him. I told him that I will check it to see who it is, but if it is about something that I can't say out loud then I won't engage the person... they have to wait. This was find with him and how we do things to this day. We negotiated where the boundary would be that was comfortable...

You chould do this too I think... he has no say in what you do with your life unless you give him control to. I am not sure why you are giving him that control and then complaining about it.

If you don't like it then I suggest talking about it and negotiating until you come to an agreement that works for both of you... he has given his ideas about things, now you can give him yours. You don't think that is fair, so what would be fair? If he doesn't like what you think would work for you then he can see what he can get out of what you say that he does think would work for him... it all inches closer to the boundary... really, if you think about it, it isn't something to be upset about as its a beginning start line. If you chose to see it that way that is.
 
He is the Master I am the slave.

He has now agreed to just see who it is and then leave the phone alone if its NOT immediate family (wife and/or kids)

I dont want him to have the control over who I see or pick as F-buddies. I cant see the issue with having another person without the love connection just friends with benefit kind of deal. You dont need to love another person to have sexual relations. I have tried to tell him that and he still dont agree.....I will wait till Monday to talk to him in person again.
 
He is the Master I am the slave.

He has now agreed to just see who it is and then leave the phone alone if its NOT immediate family (wife and/or kids)

I dont want him to have the control over who I see or pick as F-buddies. I cant see the issue with having another person without the love connection just friends with benefit kind of deal. You dont need to love another person to have sexual relations. I have tried to tell him that and he still dont agree.....I will wait till Monday to talk to him in person again.
I'm not exactly knowledgeable in M/s, but wouldn't him being your Master mean he actually has authority over you?
 
Only reason I say he is the master is cuz he is the one that makes the call... where to meet and when blah blah blah. He is the one that is married and I am the single girl waiting for him. Waiting is TORTURE for me. Plus he is the master in the bedroom stuff too but you dont need to know that LOL!
 
Only reason I say he is the master is cuz he is the one that makes the call... where to meet and when blah blah blah. He is the one that is married and I am the single girl waiting for him. Waiting is TORTURE for me. Plus he is the master in the bedroom stuff too but you dont need to know that LOL!
So you're not talking Master/slave as in Dominance & Submission / BDSM / sexual roleplay terminology? I get the sense you're just using the term jokingly, saying he's the Master. It would help to clarify your relationship for people to offer insight or answers.
 
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