Poor outlook

teadaze

New member
Hi everyone,

I'm having trouble letting go of jealous feelings. My partner and I are poly primaries. Our relationship hasn't had much time to really have a solid foundation though. We don't have answers for our relationship yet he wants to open another one with a woman I'm uncomfortable with.
And I asked him and her both to wait for any romance until I'm ready too. But in the meantime I'm stuck with these negative feelings that I haven't found a way to surpass. She wants to be close to him romantically. Now, I can't tell if its this alone that bothers me or if its this with her specifically.
With his other gfs and dates (not that it happens often) I've connected with them quite well and thus have no concerns or bad feelings from him seeing them. It generally brings me joy and excitement.
But this is our first case with an unattached woman. She's never tried poly and has her own stuff going on. And while she is friendly and sweet, I get a negative feeling about this.
I've been trying to determine if I'm just succumbing to jealousy or if I'm just following a gut feeling and should sort of veto her if it doesn't change.
If I did veto her, would that even be fair of me to do based on nothing but a bad feeling?
Is there another perspective to this I may just be missing?
 
Personally, I find the veto to be extremely controlling and indicative of insecurities.

How would you feel if you started to have feelings for a man or woman and HE told you, nope, you can't see him/her cuz I just don't like the person?

If it's just a bad feeling, that doesn't seem like enough of a reason to make him get rid of her. I'm sensing, based on what you've said, that it's because this is the first woman to attach herself to him, without connecting to you.

What is it you're making them wait for...?
 
Well that's sort of my issue. I do think its unfair of me. But at the same time, it isn't fair to them if I don't know if I can handle it and they do become more invested... I want to be in a spot where I am more secure in our relationship before branching into new ones when we don't even have answers for our own.

But while we have both had experiences of having more than one love at once this is our first relationship where we are poly going in. He's not used to having the freedom to see people he wants and here I am freaking out.

I want to practice acceptance and engage this matter with an open heart but I am not experiencing any sort of compersion here and I simply feel awful about the way I'm handling this.

One of the biggest things in our relationship is communication. We've spoken a bit about this. But I wanted to reach out for other perspectives on handling these kinds of emotions.
 
I have had experiences in prior relationships where I felt something for others and my partner didn't like it. I respected that because I wanted my partner to be as happy for me as I was with the person. Not someone they had to force themselves to be ok with.
But I don't think that would be a fair expectation so I haven't really pushed for that.

Am I treating my partner poorly by needing time?
 
Well my spouse and I dont really give each other veto power. there is one exboyfriend of mine that refer to as "black listed" cause J doesnt like the history there, and thats fine. but aside from that you date who you want to date.

Now, as far as being uncomfortable with the person... I've had issues between Nudge's wife and I. we have a hard time connecting, and I have a hard time being happy for them all the time. But this is my problem, not Nudges. granted, that is his spouse so its different...but I think it's the same feelings your talking about. I realize the problem is between Nudge's wife and i, and he should have to give up either of us cause that would be unfair to him. He loves us both, and she and I have to deal with any differences. We dont disrespect each other or do anything hostile, that would be diffrent case all together.
 
Well. My partner and I aren't married. We're still figuring out the foundations of our relationship so I don't really have that added sense of security. But. I don't believe I should should base my security on something like that.

The more I think about this the more I'm thinking the reason I have an issue with her is because I'm not ready for this. But. My insecurity should make me all the more want to expose myself to these cases. I suppose I can't really become more secure by running away from the issue.

Thank you both for the replies.
 
I don't abide by telling my partners yay or nay to who they date.
HOWEVER-I absolutely DO abide by my right to not be around people who make me uncomfortable.
So in the scenario you describe-I would be point blank that I don't want anything to with her. They can do/be whatever it is that they want-but they need to keep it away from me.
 
Our relationship hasn't had much time to really have a solid foundation though. We don't have answers for our relationship yet he wants to open another one with a woman I'm uncomfortable with.

I want to be in a spot where I am more secure in our relationship before branching into new ones when we don't even have answers for our own.

We're still figuring out the foundations of our relationship so I don't really have that added sense of security.

I notice that you have brought a variation of that theme up several times.

Could ask him simply --

"If you move on to date this woman concurrently, what time/behaviors will you be applying toward me/our relationship to help stabilize it during transition/NRE so I can feel emotionally safe during a time of changes? It isn't like we've done this before or have clocked mega history together to help offset yuck feelings. What kind of support/nurture can I expect from you?"​

Then see if his answer helps give you the reassurance/confidence you need to be willing to risk it. If his answer is "meh" and you still don't feel reasurred or good about it?

Could make him aware of how you feel and ask if he's willing to meet your needs. Do not withold information from your partner. You don't seem to be saying NO... you seem to be saying GO SLOW.

You could tell him you aren't going to stop him seeing her, but you want to step back.

If that means not being around them when it is their time together, or leaving the entire polyship, or something in between to give you more time to adjust while giving them reassurance you are not foot dragging -- that's up to you all to determine the HOW of it.

But begins with your WILLING to participate in this polyship with him as a hinge or your NOT WILLING to participate to participate in this polyship.

YOU can choose that yourself.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
I see three separate issues.

1) In my own experience, my gut is always right. The times I've tried to rationalize my way out of it and overridden my gut, it turns out I should have told my brain to STFU and followed my gut. I don't know your gut, but my guess is it's trying to tell you something.

2) BUT, that doesn't mean a veto is the best response. If your partner loves and trusts you, then you should be able to speak with him about your gut feeling and he shouldn't blow it off as jealousy. Maybe it's something about the way he's handling the situation. Maybe it's something about communication. In other words, it's not necessarily a "she's bad news, send her away" feeling... it could be a "something is wrong here, we need to fix it" feeling.

3) And since you already know something is wrong, i.e. you want to work on your partnership before adding people in the mix, and your partner is pushing to move things along faster than you're comfortable with, that's a good place to start.

---

So in other words, I wouldn't ignore the gut, but I wouldn't assume it's all her wrongness either. You need to move forwards from a place where you feel comfortable, and if he wants this all to work, he's got to respect that. If they're serious about each other, they'll both still be there after you and him work things out. If she can't wait for that, then she's not really serious about him. If he can't wait for that, then he's not really serious about you.
 
If you're relationship is not on solid ground how are you his primary.

That would make you one of the women he is dating.
 
Hrm.
She is an ex from his high school days.
I could have some foolish bias against prior relationships.
But whatever the issue, I agree I need to reevaluate my stance, and continue our communication on this topic.

I am nervous to do this.
We have talked briefly about what he would do if I asked him not to date her at all. He said he might date her anyway.
One of the things we said in our relationship is no rules no stipulations. Only be considerate and exercise communication and protection. He wants the freedom to invest in any type of relationship he wants.
So if I back off and say don't do it near me, I'm putting myself in a spot where I can't share in their happiness and must strain myself regularly to be okay with it. If I say no, whether or not he listens, I am being inconsiderate and selfish.

In a book I am reading, it fortifies the importance of regarding new relationships with a positive outlook. That my partner loves me enough to want to share his experiences with me. That it is usually met with hesitancy and doubt. And that succumbing to jealous feelings is falling back on bad habits learned from unspoken rules of monogamy. It sets me up for expectation and I resent the unfavoring results.

I am truly trying to better myself in this situation without bringing them into every paranoid thought I'm going through. They don't even know i posted here. Heh. Some things I think are better left up to me. Well. And to all you who I am sharing this with I suppose. I thank you for discussing this sensitive matter with me. Kinda feeling likes there's so much pressure that I must be alright with her or I am going to suffer because he will anyway and he will suffer because I won't enjoy it.

All because I am paranoid of things I shouldn't be.
I am failing to take personal responsibility by the way I am handling this matter. And I want to change this outlook. I will readdress this matter with him after I've thought about your posts a bit and see how I want to approach this.

Thank you for being supportive in this everyone. I'm sorry if I loaded any of you with drama.
 
My stance is this to Thy own self be true. Nobody will look out for you better than you.

He has basically told you I do not care about your needs. It is all about his wants and you can go sit and spin if you do not like it. What kind of boyfriend is that?
 
Is this a "primary' relationship because youve agreed that you will share primary style entanglemrnts like a home, kids and finances?

Anyway, I always believe that one has to trust their partner. That means trusting they wont let anyone else harm your relationship. Setting rules about who, how and when they spend time with someone doesn't allow them to prove that they can handle their relationships and responsibilities ethically. Often, they'll fail when pressured to do things someone else's way. If they're unable to handle things, as much as it sucks, it probably means you'd be better off apart. They might want to learn to do things differently to keep you or they might decide their lifestyle makes them happier than your relationship does.
 
We've become primaries because we wanted it that way. We are wanting to commit to one another. We've discussed future marriage at some point but. He is still unsure about it and we are both not in an ideal financial spot to make it happen.

We connect so well. We work together wonderfully and are essentially also best friends. When our NRE wore a bit it didn't fade our interests in one another but took us to a whole new level of love.

Despite this, I find it hard to just trust him. We aren't engaged, we aren't married. We are looking into domestic partnership though. We live together and are combining our finances. Neither of us want kids.

But. She can offer him things I can't. To that perspective, perhaps the fear of loss is taking me away from my general place of love and integrity. So maybe it is jealously that causes my negative feelings.

Ugh.

Well. I agree setting rules is not the best way to go. Combatting this mentality though, have there been ways of thinking that helped any of you work through jealousy or bad feelings?
 
We have talked briefly about what he would do if I asked him not to date her at all. He said he might date her anyway.

This bothers me.

How is he ADDING to your sense of security by telling you he's going to ignore you and your discomfort and go on to get his jollies anyway? It seems dismissive/ inconsiderate. No wonder you don't feel stable. He doesn't help create emotionally safe space for you.

How long have you all been together anyway? :confused:

Say he plunges on and guess what? You like her. Nothing horrible happens. You might end up liking your meta fine.

Except... he plunged on without taking your concerns seriously. You end up feeling like he's not trustworthy. This makes him a great polypartner HOW?

The ends wouldn't justify the means. Sigh.

One of the things we said in our relationship is no rules no stipulations. Only be considerate and exercise communication and protection.

How is him being willing to ignore your discomfort him being considerate, communicative and protective of you or of trust you share between you? :confused:

He wants the freedom to invest in any type of relationship he wants.

In any ol' way? Or while maintaining your trust, goodwill and blessing?

If him starting a relationship with her means his relationship with you is still solid and stable, that is one thing.

If him starting a relationship with her means his relationship with you is in the toilet -- that's another.

Is he going all "kid in the candy store" or something? :confused:

  • ASK what he plans to to to continue to nurture/cultivate his relationship with you while dates the other person.
  • ASK if he is willing to meet your needs in this transitional time to help make the transition easier on you.

If he's not giving you a yummy sounding offer/promise? If he is not willing/able to meet your needs? Could not agree to participate in polyship with him this way.
Disappointing maybe, but straight up and you can move on from there. That's better than endless run around!

I am sorry you are dealing in this. :(

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
There are many aspects to this kind of situation.

How long have you and bf been together? You don't know him well enough to trust him? You're afraid this girl (an ex of his) will bring drama? Has he told you negative things about her from the past?

Seems he feels he has unfinished business with her? You could just love him and stand by and let him work it out. There's a chance it won't last long between him and her.

When I was first with my present gf, we were poly from the start. I was just out of a 30 year mono marriage though and still felt I needed to explore many people. I know she didn't think all of the guys I dated were really stellar, but they brought experiences to my life I needed to have. As long as I was physically safe, miss pixi stood by me and learned more about me from what I was needing to learn about my heart, my sex and kink interests, my freedom from monogamy, etc., with these men. For my part, I spent loads of time with her (while continuing to see others), dating, romancing, sexing, cuddling, cooking, just enjoying the hell out of each other. Heck, I still had NRE for her while seeing the other people, so it wasn't a chore to be with her!

Since you say you and your bf do not have rules, a veto is out of the question. But you still need reassurance you and he are OK while he dates this ex of his and goes where his heart is taking him.

So... yeah. What Gala Girl says. Ask for what you need to feel emotionally safe. Other than "dump that bitch."
 
He and I (heh, his nickname is pixy actually) have been together 5 months. Connected on so many levels. He was in the process of coming out of a 14yr marriage. Divorce papers were signed before we even met.
His ex wife and I met and we are fine with each other.

He admitted he had some issues being honest with her during their relationship. She was very controlling and manipulative. It turned into them deciding they wanted different things. So they split. We met. We had sparks. We wanted to take things slow but ended up kinda rushing into things as certain situations occured so our nre wore a couple months in. But. not that there isn't passion there or anything, just into a deeper love and affection. A more meaningful connection.

He said going forward with me, he wants to be completely honest and open and not feel like he can't be himself.

I suppose it is him being inconsiderate saying he would date her anyway. But. How am I being considerate telling him he shouldn't?
And they are both respecting my concerns by waiting. They still talk and flirt a little. And we are still going to hang out with her. But they agreed not to get romantic. He said he wants to take things slow with her. But he said that to me...and we become so close in such a short time.

But let's say they wait, we hang with her, and maybe a month goes by and I'm not feeling good about her. Then what? Ask them to keep waiting?
It's horrible of me. I can't do that to my partner.
Risk it and get reassured if/when he comes back to me?
If I love him, let him go type of thing?
If I have this bad feeling with only her? If other women come into play with the same levels of affection and I'm content with them?


I want to overcome this bad feeling. I want him to be free and happy. But this feeling is driving me up the wall with a mix of fear and guilt. Very awkward place to be in.
 
I am sorry you struggle. Could decide to STOP struggling and ACT.

But let's say they wait, we hang with her, and maybe a month goes by and I'm not feeling good about her. Then what? Ask them to keep waiting?

You seem to keep going round in circles with a lot of "what iffing" rather than talking about what boundaries there will be, and HOW you plan to move through this phase so it becomes him as the hinge of V shape polyship.

He could state his want to date this person. And what he would

a) do for you to help you in this transition
b) do for her to help in this transition
c) do for himself to help in this transition.
d) what he needs back from each of you


She could state her intent and her want to date him. And what she would
a) do for you to help you in this transition
b) do for him to help in this transition
c) do for herself to help in this transition.
d) what she needs back from each of you


You could state your willing and able to support them in this. And what you would

a) need from him to help you in this transition
b) need from her to help you in this transition
c) need from yourself to help you in this transition
d) will do for each of them


So far? All of those are colored red for "still pending." None are green for "good to go" because there's conversation that isn't seeming to happen here. So everyone can know what to expect, could hold each other and themselves accountable to agreements made for a transitional time, and move through the transition in an emotionally safe way so all can feel good at the outcome.

If all those things in red become green and are compatible -- yay! Proceed! If not? Do not proceed.

Have them LIST what their wants/needs are from you. Then YOU determine if these are behaviors you are actually willing and able to do or not.
Have them LIST what needs of yours they are willing to meet for you. Then YOU determine if these behaviors are acceptable or not to you.

That combo determines the big picture of answer of "I will still participate in this polyship while you date her."

To do it the other way of "Yeah, Go ahead. Date" without knowing what actual behavior to expect from him, her, or you? That's stepping into the big unknown and only serves to keep you cranked up. Nobody likes stepping into the void.

BREATHE. Calm down, have the conversation you need to have to assess what is being offered to you here. Then decide if it is a yummy enough offer that you will accept it and will be willing to go there. Otherwise... don't go there there. DO NOT participate any more.

You seem to worry you cannot deliver unspoken expectations of you. And you cannot. Nobody is a magical mind reader. Find OUT what is going to be expected of you and determine if this is something you are willing and able to do or not. If you are not sure? Have a vote of "no confidence?" That is not a joyful yes. So those could count as "no." There. Decision made. Anything less than "joyful yes" is NOT a "yes."

It really and truly is that simple to do -- TALK. Decide. Do.

It might not be easy to FEEL, but the actions are clear. If you want to be free of this feeling, you could take positive action and move it forward. Talk to your people. Then make the decisions you need to make based on the information gathered. Then do whatever plan you decide ultimately -- whether it is to go ahead or bow out.

That gets you moving out of the yuck. You can do this!

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Thank you all so much!
I will move forward and focus my efforts on stronger communication than worry and doubt.
I appreciate all the perspectives everyone!
 
How is he ADDING to your sense of security by telling you he's going to ignore you and your discomfort and go on to get his jollies anyway? It seems dismissive/ inconsiderate. No wonder you don't feel stable. He doesn't help create emotionally safe space for you.

See, I don't think that being firm about the fact you will not be permitting vetoes is a bad thing at all. The OP should take a leaf out of his book when it comes to establishing boundaries.
 
Back
Top