Hello from California

netsinger

New member
I'm going on 63, father of two, husband for the last 33 years (yes, with the same woman!), lover of another for about the last ten years--there were some breaks, so it's hard to count exactly. In my day job I build and run computer networks for a non-profit; it won't make me rich, but I never cared about that anyway; the people are good and the work is worthwhile and mostly fun. Evenings I'll be making music, dancing, or wasting time on the Internet.

It's a little out of character for me to sign up on a site like this. I usually say talking about non-monogamy is pointless, people just have to figure out what works for them and go do it. No set of rules fits everyone; every relationship is different, and complicated--including monogamous relationships. But lately I've been wanting to share a bit in what others are experiencing, and share my own experiences and challenges. Go figure.

My wife and I were kind of quietly non-monogamous when we married--in theory, anyway--but she asked and I agreed to be monogamous about four years later, when our first child was small. I regret doing that; what I should have done, probably, was agree to a certain time period, like a year or two, with a commitment to re-evaluating it. As it was, traits in both of us made for some pretty rough times over the next 15 years. Opening the marriage again in 2001, this time explicitly, seemed to make things better for a while--then we almost split up--then we patched it up and re-opened the marriage, and this time I think it's going to stick.

I used to think it was just a peculiarity of our relationship that it worked better if it was non-monogamous. Now I think that may still be true, but the statement assumes that our relationship is something static, like the Statue of Liberty. Which would be silly, since people are not static. It's really more like Congress, changing all the time, sometimes dramatically, and rules that worked ten years ago may not work now. I'm pretty sure I need to be non-monogamous, at any rate, so as long as I'm in this marriage, it's going to be open. Unless I change my mind. Which I would do only with consideration for the people who've put up with my neuroses for one or three decades.

In any case, our marriage right now is poly/mono--I'm the point of a V (although one arm of the V is definitely polyamorous, so I guess mono/poly/poly would be more accurate). I doubt that I'll expand my harem; there are a couple of women I'm interested in, but they live some distance away and I don't really have that much time in the week. Some treats are better enjoyed in the imagination, anyway. I would love it if my wife found someone--I think parity is usually a good thing--but so far she hasn't.

This all sounds like I'm straight, but actually I've enjoyed playing with men on occasion. But as I said to my lover last week, "I don't think I could be in a relationship with a man--I can barely stand women." (Yes, I get the tact award.) So I'm about a 1.5 on the Kinsey scale. There is one guy whose bones I'd jump in a flash if he gave me the word, but ... he's married too, and it looks complicated ....

So if you've read this far, thanks, and congratulations on your attention span!
 
Greetings netsinger,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Sounds like you have a good amount of experience in polyamory; you'll probably be a valuable helper to many people who come here looking for help. Glad you could join us, and look forward to reading more of your posts.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Welcome aboard!
 
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