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Old 12-31-2016, 04:02 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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You have already agree to be poly with both of your partners, yes? Or has your relationship structure changed since your previous thread?

In my mind, if the previous agreement was poly/open - then there's no cheating.
If the previous agreement was closed (current relationships ok, no new ones) - then there's cheating.
If the agreement was sexually open, no feelings - that was just misguided because you can't entirely control catching feelings for people that you are sexually involved with. I would put it under "agreeing to be open" and consider it not cheating, just poor communication.
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Old 12-31-2016, 04:45 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Ah, so it was a different agreement.

Apple and Banana agreed that Banana would find a domme. Like for kink in THIS sphere of activities. But not go developing a romantic relationship with their domme and take it out to THAT sphere of activities.

I might be guessing wrong here. But here's my impression....

Even with this different agreement? Banana is still not honoring the agreement.

It's still on Apple to decide if they want to keep going with Banana or not when Banana disregards agreements and treats Apple poorly. Apple's consent belongs to Apple.

Banana could also decide to treat Apple better. If the reason Banana cannot keep agreements with Apple is that Banana's needs are no longer met there? Or the agreements made were not right? Rather than string Apple along or ignore Apple's increasing distress? Banana could be up front and say "I no longer want to hold up X agreements. I want to be doing something else." If nothing can be renegotiated and no acceptable new agreements made because what Apple wants and what Banana wants no longer line up? Banana could part ways clean and respectfully. A good parting is better treatment than ignoring Apple.

Cherry? Witnessing all this strife between Apple and Banana? Could say to Banana -- "I don't want to be in the middle of all this mess. Sort out your Apple stuff first, then come date me again when that's all sorted."

Right now it's almost like everyone is waiting for the pressure to keep cranking up and for whoever blows up first to stomp off in a huff. Which solves it in a way -- but not a good clean parting and with more emotional price tag paid in the meanwhile.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-31-2016 at 04:58 PM.
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Old 12-31-2016, 05:27 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I don't know how anyone would agree to having their partner inspect and approve someone they're interested in before they are "allowed" to do anything. That's just weird.
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Old 12-31-2016, 06:33 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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In my mind, it would only be cheating if (to use GalaGirl's names, and hopefully I've got them right) Apple told Banana "I don't want you to be involved with that person," and Banana said "Okay, I won't be" but then continued being involved with the other person.

If Banana said, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm still going to be involved with them" and continued being involved with the other person, that isn't cheating. Insensitive, inconsiderate, and disrespectful, maybe, but not cheating.

But to me, if Apple and Banana don't have a "veto" agreement (and I'm glad they don't, those are horribly unfair in my opinion since it involves making decisions for someone who doesn't get a say in what decision is made), then Apple doesn't really have any business trying to control Banana's other relationships. Apple has every right to express their feelings about the situation and about the other person, but they have no right at all to require or expect Banana to make decisions based on those feelings. And while they unquestionably have the right to hold Banana to agreements and promises that were made, they don't have the right to dictate how Banana runs other relationships.

What Banana does in response to Apple saying "I don't want you to do this" is up to *Banana*. If Apple isn't okay with it, they have the option to say "Sorry, I can't accept you being involved with that person, so I'm ending our relationship," or the option to choose to stay in the situation even if they aren't happy. They have the option as well to rant and rave and try to bully Banana into doing what they say, but I don't think that's a particularly healthy choice...(And I'm not saying that's what the OP would do, by the way, I'm playing the "hypothetical situation" game here.)
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Old 12-31-2016, 07:44 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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Originally Posted by CangshuNuhai View Post
Poly, yes. The agreement was for the partner to find a domme, but the relationship between them has gone far beyond that.
Beyond what you expected or beyond what was discussed?

I am one of those people that don't think rules like "you can play but don't get involved" works in polyamory. That is more like swinging. Nothing wrong with swinging, but I would never agree to that rule from a poly partner. That's because I know it can't work.

I'm sorry but I don't see this as cheating. It's more of a pushing of boundaries you have set for yourself. I don't think calling them a cheater or calling it a consent violation is going to be conducive to working this out. Attempting to control your partner's relationship will not work either. At this point you have to decide if you can live with this crossed boundary or if you want to find someone who is okay with that boundary.
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Old 12-31-2016, 07:57 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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Originally Posted by Emm View Post
Her previous thread is here: Secondary dealing w/ partner's jealous Primary.

I hadn't read it before my reply, but see nothing in it that would make me change what I said.
Your advice was pretty generic and spot on. I think the wording in the OP led others to believe this was supposed to be a closed relationship and they were giving more specific advice based on that assumption.
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Old 12-31-2016, 08:08 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Originally Posted by KC43 View Post
If Banana said, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm still going to be involved with them" and continued being involved with the other person, that isn't cheating. Insensitive, inconsiderate, and disrespectful, maybe, but not cheating.
Pretty much this. Cheating is when you do something else then you say you will do.
When you make an agreement and then, in all openness, refuse to follow it later ... that's unilaterally dismissing an agreement.

Sadly, Apples choice is to walk away from the partner, or get ok. Hopefully Banana is at least willing to help with understanding and getting ok.
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Old 01-01-2017, 07:43 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi CangshuNuhai,

Generally speaking, when one partner breaks the relationship agreements, that can loosely be called cheating. But it can depend on the details and even point of view.

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Old 01-02-2017, 10:23 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Having reread the original thread (which I'd commented on at the time), I can't help but wonder if the OP here is now living with the original players ("Carl" and "Jane" and "OSO"), and if the partner she refers to is her Dom "Carl," or her "OSO," that she had planned to move in with.

A lot of well thought out advice was given on that thread, and was not responded to. Cangshu dropped off the board. And now we have a new thread, with more advice being given... Will we get a response this time, or updates if said advice is taken and acted upon?

It sounds like, if Cangshu moved in with "Carl" and "OSO" and "Jane," there was an expectation of some kind of polyfidelitous quad, and now someone is "stepping out" with a 5th person without the consent of the others... Hmm... more drama.

But I could be wrong. Would be nice to know.
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cheating, cheating and poly, oso, primary, secondary

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