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Old 04-20-2011, 05:05 AM
colorado colorado is offline
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Default What if your partner doesn't know you have a secondary relationship? Is it cheating

Hi, I am new to the forum and would like to know what you think about my situation. I am a gay male and have been in a semi-open relationship for 6 years. We have been very very happy and I honestly think he is the love of my life. I am way more open minded and adventurous than my partner.
I met someone else last year who I had this crazy physical connection with. At first, it was just sex, but he insisted for months we should hang out. I finally met his boyfriend and a couple of his friends. He is not in a open relationship because his boyfriend of 8 years can't handle it.
This new guy and I have grown very close; besides the mind-blowing sex, we perform a lot of physical activities together our boyfriends have zero interest in. We are both in great shape; our partners are not, so we complement each other well. We are also becoming really good friends and talk about personal stuff.
Anyways, I thought this was a fling at first, but I am developing true feelings for this secondary person. I think I would like to have a secondary relationship with him, but I am positive neither his partner or mine would approve.
I wouldn't like to end my primary relationship because I get tons of fulfillment and joy from it. He is in the same situation... Is this just plain cheating? Or can you have a 'closeted' polyamorous relationship?
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Old 04-20-2011, 05:18 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

If they are unaware of it you are cheating. If you have an agreement about nondisclosure, which equates to dadt then the are poly relationships that fall in line

However if you are asking and are unsure... Then you probably already know the answer. Dadt requires some knowledge of the relationship, just a conscious choice to remain blind to it.

Last edited by Ariakas; 04-20-2011 at 05:27 AM.
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Old 04-20-2011, 05:22 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I agree with Ari.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 04-20-2011, 03:05 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Location: Kansas City Metro
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Originally Posted by colorado View Post
Is this just plain cheating?

Or can you have a 'closeted' polyamorous relationship?
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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Old 04-20-2011, 06:43 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Location: Canada
Posts: 7,733

Originally Posted by colorado View Post
Is this just plain cheating? Or can you have a 'closeted' polyamorous relationship?
Yes, you are cheating.

There is no such thing as a "closeted" poly relationship. Not in terms of other loves. Poly is based on ethical and consensual non-monogamy. You aren't participating in that.

I understand that you love this man, but you have spent a good deal of time creating something that is very hurtful, deceitful and disrespectful to the men you both love.

There are some interesting threads on here about cheating and what makes a poly relationship work if you are interested... you can find them by doing a tag search for "cheating" "foundations" and "lessons" hope they help sort out where to go next with your situation.
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Old 04-20-2011, 10:07 PM
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River River is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 3,424


It has been my observation that many (perhaps most) gay men have "semi-open" relationships, most of which are best described as "sexually non-monogamous" + "emotionally monogamous". In these situations, one is "allowed" to have "just sex" with people with whom no significant emotional connection or attachment is "allowed". This has proven to be a challenge for me, since I and my partner are both poly, and I'd like to have another actual relationship with another man while keeping my partner.

A startling few men are avialable for what I have to offer. After all, even if I were single
I'd face the challenge of finding another compatible man where mutual attraction of a physical-emotional kind exists. (It seems to me that only a fraction of gay men really want a whole, rounded relationship with a man.) .... My challenge is greater as a poly guy because polyamory isn't well understood or accepted by "the demographic".

You're between a rock and a hard place, Colorado. The only good option you have, I think, is to risk honesty and openness. Truth.

Don't procrastinate long.
male, bisexual & biamorous
1 long term male partner of many years.
1 newly forming additional connection.
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cheating and poly, gay

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