hey hey, I’m new to poly but so this might seem naive. My boyfriend and I of about a year and a half at the time, decided to have an open relationship knowing that we were going to be doing long distance for about 6 months. We've had some small flings in the past and had no issues whatsoever. During the six months apart both him and I had a relationship with another partner. I got very close with mine but we had always felt committed to my boyfriend and that I would go back to him when our long distance time was over.
The difference was that my boyfriend had chosen to continue his. This I wasn’t ready for. I was upset I that my boyfriend didn’t talk to me about this prior to me finding our for myself by seeing them together but accepted that he just understands things differently to me. When I expressed my discomfort about this, he couldn’t bring himself to commit to me only. He wanted her company as well as mine and continued to do so. I was upset because we had previously agreed that if one person felt uncomfortable the other person would step back - this was my security to know that I’d be ok trying this out.
I felt betrayed that he had changed his mind and yet I can understand being swept away by a new relationship. He says part of that was because we had difficulties in our relationship and needed her for comfort and someone to talk to. To his credit, he hasn't slept with her since and I think he would have if it wasn't for me - he does continue to have romantic trips with her and kisses and cuddles.
I broke up with him because he couldn’t promise me he would stop being affectionate with her and I couldn’t bare to think he’s with someone else. I can see some things from his perspective but at the same time I felt like he disregarded my feelings and pushed me beyond my boundaries. I felt like I was no longer important to him - whether this was true or not - it still hurt. I’m confused and conflicted because I know I can’t make anyone do anything for me, but yet in my mind I don’t understand how he couldn’t just take it slowly. I asked him to give it just a few months to ourselves while I adjust to these new feelings but that wasn’t enough. I don’t know what to think because I want to make things work and the last thing I want to do is restrict someone, but doesn't feel like he really loves or care about me. Can anyone shed any light on this? I need new perspectives because I’m struggling with feeling like he turned his back on me but yet maybe I’m missing his point of view but don’t want to be a door mat either.
He's definitely had more experience like this than I have. He said he used to have a girlfriend who was sleeping with someone else and he had no problems. I guess I didn't have an issue only until I started to feel less significant to him. He always gave me the ' I won't do it if you don't want me to' but this time was different. Is this just me not understanding, or letting insecurities get in the way?
If we were to continue a relationship, how can I think about this so I don’t feel like being taken advantage of. He has no remorse for what he has been doing and thinks I’m being selfish for asking him to stop seeking comfort with this other girl, especially when times were tough in our relationship. Please what can I make of this? Is there any hope in this?
Thanks
The difference was that my boyfriend had chosen to continue his. This I wasn’t ready for. I was upset I that my boyfriend didn’t talk to me about this prior to me finding our for myself by seeing them together but accepted that he just understands things differently to me. When I expressed my discomfort about this, he couldn’t bring himself to commit to me only. He wanted her company as well as mine and continued to do so. I was upset because we had previously agreed that if one person felt uncomfortable the other person would step back - this was my security to know that I’d be ok trying this out.
I felt betrayed that he had changed his mind and yet I can understand being swept away by a new relationship. He says part of that was because we had difficulties in our relationship and needed her for comfort and someone to talk to. To his credit, he hasn't slept with her since and I think he would have if it wasn't for me - he does continue to have romantic trips with her and kisses and cuddles.
I broke up with him because he couldn’t promise me he would stop being affectionate with her and I couldn’t bare to think he’s with someone else. I can see some things from his perspective but at the same time I felt like he disregarded my feelings and pushed me beyond my boundaries. I felt like I was no longer important to him - whether this was true or not - it still hurt. I’m confused and conflicted because I know I can’t make anyone do anything for me, but yet in my mind I don’t understand how he couldn’t just take it slowly. I asked him to give it just a few months to ourselves while I adjust to these new feelings but that wasn’t enough. I don’t know what to think because I want to make things work and the last thing I want to do is restrict someone, but doesn't feel like he really loves or care about me. Can anyone shed any light on this? I need new perspectives because I’m struggling with feeling like he turned his back on me but yet maybe I’m missing his point of view but don’t want to be a door mat either.
He's definitely had more experience like this than I have. He said he used to have a girlfriend who was sleeping with someone else and he had no problems. I guess I didn't have an issue only until I started to feel less significant to him. He always gave me the ' I won't do it if you don't want me to' but this time was different. Is this just me not understanding, or letting insecurities get in the way?
If we were to continue a relationship, how can I think about this so I don’t feel like being taken advantage of. He has no remorse for what he has been doing and thinks I’m being selfish for asking him to stop seeking comfort with this other girl, especially when times were tough in our relationship. Please what can I make of this? Is there any hope in this?
Thanks
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