Idealist Poly Blog Part 31- update from last weekend
Went out with Richard Saturday night, and he spent the night......we made love......talked.....laughed.....I sang while he played guitar. We spent most of the day on Sunday together.
Then, I met up with Jacob on Sunday early evening. We went out to eat and then came to my house.....made love....talked.....and enjoyed each other's company.
Then on Monday, Charles came over to help me with some home maintenance and we ended up getting in the Jacuzzi and then making love....talking....laughing and enjoying ourselves.
It's amazing to think that I made love to three of my lovers three days in a row....one after another. And- I've gotten so accustomed to this lifestyle that in each situation I was totally present with the guy I was with. This does not feel awkward or unnatural to me at all!!
There was a moment when I was with Jacob. I was giving him a full body massage and started with him on his stomach. The back of his head looked like Richard's and it was weird for a minute....I had to remember that it was not Richard. But other than that- I was completely engaged in the moment with each guy.
The experiences with each guy is so totally different. Richard was in a rare "needy" place because he had a bad week at work. He wanted to hear me say that I love him. He knew he was doing it....he said- I know I'm really needy right now, but I thought it was cool that he could say that and ask for what he needed. Making love with him was very easy and natural. We've known one another 7 years, so there is a definite comfort in our sexual expression with one another. He was unusually aroused Saturday night and I enjoyed that!!
Jacob had asked for a massage when we were at dinner. I was glad he did because so far, our sexual relationship has been all about him pleasing me and my efforts to be more dominant or more giving towards him has not gone too far. He is a very confident lover and really takes his time which is so enjoyable for me. I would say that as far a sexual pleasure goes, he is the best lover I have ever had. And Sunday evening was by far one of the best sexual experiences I’ve ever had in my life.
After the massage, he was more aroused than usual and we’ve gotten used to one another, so it was very enjoyable. I really like him, not only because of the great sexual connection, but because he is an INFJ and I can really relate to him mentally and emotionally. He is very conservative though and although he knows I have other lovers, he claims that when he is in love with someone, he would never be willing to share them. He also claims that he wants a monogamous relationship. So- in order for me to continue to see him, I have to accept that he is "short term" until he meets someone that he wants to be involved with.
For now, I am willing to do that because I enjoy him so much on so many levels and I am infatuated with him now....meaning that I'm experiencing NRE big time!!! Since he’s already been single for 7 years and has not found anyone to be in a committed monogamous relationship with, I’m betting that he won’t find anyone any time soon.
I told him that if he does find someone, I will gladly step back and let him pursue it with my full blessings. But- at the same time, I desire a long term relationship with him and I told him that too.
Charles and I weren't planning on being sexual, but it just happened and he was really turned on and basically f*cked me which seemed to be exactly what I wanted and needed!!!
I spoke with John on the phone Sunday and was surprised at what he shared with me. Come to find out, after all these years, he has been withholding some of his feelings from me. Apparently he talked to a therapist about it and realized that he needed to come clean with me. We have been talking about meeting in Dallas for a Festival in September. The discussions about seeing each other again has led to lots of discussions and during those discussions, he admitted that he has been uncomfortable with my bisexuality ever since he’s known me (about 11 years). We dated monogamously for 3 years and then 1 ½ year. Why did this never come up before?? I guess what brought it up now is the fact that I have decided to act out on my bisexuality and he is uncomfortable with that.
So- I think its best that we not make the trip in September, because I need to process this. I think one of the reasons he didn’t share it is because he didn’t want to come off as judgmental. I really don’t think he looks down on me for being bisexual or for wanting to act out on it; but as a result of not telling me, I have openly expressed my attraction to women while in his presence all these years and it has made him uncomfortable the whole time.
It’s just not a good time to get together, I guess since I am glad to be finally expressing myself in a more authentic way but would have to stifle some of myself while with him.
He did tell me he loves me and I can count on one hand the number of times he has actually said that to me……..
On Sunday, Richard was emotionally needy, so he was expressing his love for me a lot!! Then, in that phone call with John- he told me he loves me…..and he hardly never says it. Then….today, Charles called and said “I think I love you.”
So- I guess the conclusion for me right now, for myself, is to be as authentic as I can....be honest and open. Feel free to love anyone as much as I want to and express that love!!
Richard and I have a 2nd date with a couple we met two weeks ago. We will spend time with them on Labor Day weekend. I am looking forward to that!! This weekend will be low key- or at least that's the plan