Wife wants Open Marriage

LovingRadiance: Thank-you, I’m trying to breath. I think, maybe I’m trying to take on too much at once. I'm putting the cart before the horse

Love2Bake: I feel broken and I’m certain I’m taking things personally that I shouldn’t be. I'm sure that the day will come when I will be sure of how I feel about poly whether I join in or not. I need to seek security in myself, first.

Daysleeper: It’s been a rough year, to be sure. It began with my wife telling me about her attraction to other men, then about her desire for polyamory. There is more, but it has since been “fixed”. I had a vasectomy several years ago because my wife couldn’t be on birth control (we tried them all). Every since then, my sex drive slowly declined and I was beginning to experience symptoms of ED. My wife brought it up to me shortly after all this began, which it doesn’t take a psychologist to figure out, was devastating to me. I have since gone to the doctor and found out I had a testosterone deficiency which, once corrected, is no longer a problem. Quite the opposite, I feel like a 22 year old again and want my wife nearly every day. Other than that, we have no financial issues at all, I get along with my in-laws (although my Mom and I are currently at odds) and we both have very fulfilling jobs that we are excelling in. This is pretty much the only thing that is causing issue.

Dingedheart: She is aware I have an account here, but I asked her to refrain from joining for now. This is my outlet for things I either can’t or don’t want to talk to her about. Now, there is some bleed-over between the two, but for the most part, this is just for me to learn, grow and figure out how I feel.

Snowmelt: You make some good points, but I would like to point out that while my wife has expressed a desire for polyamory, she, herself isn’t sure it will work for her. She has clearly done a lot more soul searching and figuring out what she wants than I have had the opportunity to, but she isn’t moving forward without me. She is waiting for me to figure out if it’s something I think I can handle and whether I want to join or decline. THAT is why I am having a hard time hearing “suck it up” because I am at the cusp of a massive change (and I know I can’t go back). We have a child, as well, which is also a primary focus of mine and one that I haven’t really explored on this board at all.

GalaGirl: You are right in many ways. I think “you have a lot to digest” is an understatement. I also think I went overboard with things on the exact same night my Mom emailed me to tell me that the relationship she and I had (a very close friendship) is over due to some differences of opinion. As far as my support system goes, we have one mutual friend who has similar ideals with my wife as far as poly goes. I can talk to her and plan to soon, but she’s a mother of 4 and quite busy. My wife asked that I keep other friends and family out of it since we have a large number of mutual friends and acquaintances. My Mom used to be a major part of my support system, but I lost that last night when she wrote me off. I guess when it rains, it pours… As far as communication with my wife, we have always been strong in this area. Our 12 years together have taught us to talk effectively about what’s bothering us. I think my wife is feeling guilty for laying this at my feet, so it hurts her to see me obsessing and last night was the worst of it. I read too much, got freaked out and then couldn’t get my emotions under control.

After reading everyone’s posts, I just want to say thank you. After I talked with my wife today, I explained that yesterday was a “perfect storm” and I had felt abandoned and alone. She understood, but was still upset. I left it at that and have decided to take a break from thinking about this for a while. I may PM some of you in the future, so until then, thanks and I will be back.
 
She is aware I have an account here, but I asked her to refrain from joining for now. This is my outlet for things I either can’t or don’t want to talk to her about.


As far as communication with my wife, we have always been strong in this area. Our 12 years together have taught us to talk effectively about what’s bothering us.

These two statements directly contradict each other. If the first statement is true, the second cannot be true. Why would you not want to talk to your wife (your self proclaimed best friend that you want to be your one and only) about something? Do you think that not talking to your wife about something is going to bring the two of you closer together?
 
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These two statements directly contradict each other. If the first statement is true, the second cannot be true. Why would you not want to talk to your wife (your self proclaimed best friend that you want to be your one and only) about something? Do you think that not talking to your wife about something is going to bring the two of you closer together?

I feel like you are over-simplifying this. There are things that I need to figure out that I don't necessarily want to bring up to my wife until I'm ready. Privacy of thoughts doesn't automatically mean poor communication. A great example is what happened the other night: I was in a self-induced tail spin and my wife got frustrated with my insistance on obsessing. In fact, she told me it scared her to see me like that (background: I'm usually very logical and grounded).

I already told her that what is on this site is for me, right now. When I'm ready, I will show her every post I've made from start to finish. Til then, this is where I get to be weak, scared, insecure, hurt and curious and in my mind, that's OK.
 
I feel like you are over-simplifying this.
I pointed out two sentences, written in your own words, that directly contradict each other. Your repsonse is to defend yourself. That tells me I have discovered an unresolved core issue between you and your wife. You isolate yourself from her when you feel the need to. Poly brings to the surface all unresolved issues between partners. This is one of yours that is coming to the surface. You can take a close look at it now, or you can wait for another opportunity ( drama ) to look at it later. Your choice.
 
In my opinion, the sentences are not contradictory. Part of having good communication is knowing what to say, who to say it to, and when and how. Sorting through thoughts is not something that has to be done out loud, in real time with a partner. It's often good to think through what you want to say before you say it. This forum gives amk an outlet for doing so, and his wife is aware of this and accepts it.

Amk's wife has many other resources available to her for sorting this out, and she may not feel the loss of this one (not to say there isn't helpful advice here). If amk's wife really wanted to be here and he tried to restrict her, that would be one thing, but for all we know his wife has no desire to read here.

My husband and I don't read each other's emails or listen in on one another's phone conversations. Is it because we have communication issues or because we hide things from one another? No. We just both feel entitled to some measure of privacy.
 
I don't have a huge problem with those sentences either. I think the first one quoted didn't have the word YET at the end which was cleared up later.

When your marriage has been turn upside down some people need time to process and calmly gain prospective without constant emotional back and forth of opposing view points.

My wife and I saw a marriage counselor and we had joint sessions and individual sessions if she asked me what I discussed I'd usually had no problems telling her because I thought that was the point ...however she rarely would do the same to her that was private. Not sure that's a core issue of her's or ours or just a preference.
 
It's possible your wife's desire to be with other men has caused the problems in your marriage, but it is also possible that it has not. Are you so focused on this information that you are overlooking other issues? Since your wife is willing to wait awhile, I might put some energy into resolving preexisting issues rather than focusing completely on this one.
The point you made here was very insightful. I pointed out a clear contradiction I see in his words. Contradictions point right to unresolved issues. I found one. In effect, I began to answer your question. Unresolved issues are made of pain. No one really wants to look at their pain. Looking at it is the only way to resolve it. Until they do, their problems persist. I want to encourage him to look at his pain, so he sees what I see and can begin to get through it.

If someone gets defensive or angry when their pain is pointed out to them, that means their not ready to look at it yet. That's fine. I respect that. The when and how it gets resolved is always up to them. The fact is, that pain will show up later in some form if it is not addressed now. I pointed out that fact, because I want him to know.

I understand your point about communication. You don't have to be totally open to your partner, but just imagine the intimacy you can achieve with your partner if you are.
 
Snowmelt,

Define defensive and angry.

Merely explaining a comment doesn't mean defensive. What in his words gave the impression he was angry with you.?

You found what ?

What core issue do I have by responding to this again.
 
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Define defensive and angry.
The place someone usually goes when they are not ready to look right at something and acknowledge it.

Merely explaining a comment doesn't mean defensive.
I agree.

What in his words gave the impression he was angry with you.?
Nothing.

You found what?
A core issue in the marriage.
What core issue do have by responding to this again.
I don't understand this question.
 
Whoa...

I feel like this is getting out of control.

If there are any issues between my wife and I, we have the tools to work them out. I've been married for 12 years and when my wife explained everything, she said that she didn't start feeling this way until early this year. That tells me we were doing ok for most of the marriage, so I'm pretty sure we can navigate this, too.

I appreciate the insights and I'm not calling anyone wrong. I'm confused and hurt and certainly pretty ignorant about all this- which is why I'm here. I could have just rejected everything she told me, and I'd be on my way to divorce or a very one-sided marriage happiness wise. That having been said, I'm a type-A personality, so forcing stuff down my throat doesn't work, either. I'll find the answers in my own time and I thank all of you for giving me plenty to consider.
 
I pointed out two sentences, written in your own words, that directly contradict each other. Your repsonse is to defend yourself. That tells me I have discovered an unresolved core issue between you and your wife. You isolate yourself from her when you feel the need to.

Feeling a need to isolate is not a core issue in and of itself, but I think you are way off-base about this, anyway, Snowmelt. I won't get into why, as I don't see an analysis of everything the OP wrote to prove my opinion as really necessary in this thread right now. But I have to say that harping on your viewpoint isn't going to convince the OP to see it your way. You've stated your perspective, now give it a rest and let him take or leave what he will and digest what he needs to digest. He is in a raw, emotional state and processing a lot. Geez.
 
This will be my last reply. In this reply, I am talking to everyone who has participated in this thread so far:

I stirred quite a few emotions when I wrote the words "core marriage issue". Emotions get stiirred when a core issue is pointed out. They don't get stirred when someone talks about an issue that does not exist. If someone talks about an issue that really doesn't exist, people hardly notice and quickly move on to something else. That did not happen here.

Obviously I pointed out something that not only exists in someone somewhere on this thread, but stirred a lot of emotions in most of the people who replied to me. Based on the replies I've received, there is obviously no opportunity to talk about this in a sincere way. The emotions are running too high for that. The simple act of me talking about it seems to continue to stir emotions.

I have no desire to stir emotions further. Doing so isn't helping anyone. I'm withdrawing from this thread. This will be my last reply. That means I will not reply to anyone else on this thread for any reason. I hope that will help calm everyone down. I would like to ask everyone who participates on this thread in the future to consider doing so in a calm sincere way.

Amk ( I hope I spelled your username right) stayed calm and sincere to others on this thread the entire time he was here. He was the one I was talking to when I used the term core marriage issue. I wasn't talking to anyone else, but my words stiirred everyone else. He was the one who came here for help, and he was the one who commented that things were getting out of control.

I see a lot of humor in that. It's funny. Human nature can be really funny.

I hope everyone decides to calm down and focus on amk if he comes back to the thread.

To Amk - Your last reply sounded like you were doing better than you were when you first posted. I hope this thread helped you (and helps you in the future if you come back), even though it got out of control.

To everyone on this thread - I wish you all health and happiness.

That's it for me.
 
GalaGirl: You are right in many ways. I think “you have a lot to digest” is an understatement. I also think I went overboard with things on the exact same night my Mom emailed me to tell me that the relationship she and I had (a very close friendship) is over due to some differences of opinion.

I'm sorry it was one of those "when it rains, it pours" kind of nights. I'm sorry things with Mom are rough right now. That is ONE "serious relationship work thing." Since you flooded when trying read/talk to wife on polyamory things, perhaps not schedule two "serious relationship work things" on the same night. Very draining. Take the time to TLC. It might feel like time is slipping away like a sand timer -- but really, you have all the time you need to spend on this.

You are working on it and moving it forward, which is commendable. But you don't have to be Superman -- coping with mom on one hand and then coping with a major marriage change on the other. You can PACE yourself here. This isn't about breakneck speed!

I'm glad you have a friend you can talk to even if she's busy with 4 kids. Try to schedule time with her to air out.

I am glad you are trying to use support here on the forum for you and wife respects that. She hopefully can find another one of the poly online outlets for her "internet support thing" for the "gather my thoughts together" time and then you can cross-share the info when it's "show and tell" time.

Do consider getting professional support as well though. A counselor who is NOT your friend, NOT internet strangers. More "safe" outlets for you. Then you have the friend as the amateur person who is close to you in RL for the perspective. Then you have the amateur listening strangers for that perspective. Then you have the professional but not attached person in the counselor for that perspective, and perhaps give you other new tools.

Maybe you also want a doctor check up -- to have someone on the team looking out for your body bucket issues -- eating, sleeping, stress, etc during this challenging time in the heart and mind. Meds are not the magic pill to solve everything, but if you are experiencing HUGE levels of stress -- there's nothing wrong with getting checked out and if you need it, a prescription to help you sleep!

I don't know how you go about tending your soul/spirit -- but remember to look out for that too.

Gather your support together, gather yourself together. Take your time. BREATHE. Make the safe, quiet space you need so you can examine and discern and then come to a decision on what shape it is you want next for your romance:

1) monoamorous you + polyamorous wife in a monogamous CLOSED marriage

2) monoamorous you + polyamorous wife in an OPEN marriage that makes space for her dating indefinitely

3) monoamorous you + polyamorous wife in an OPEN marriage that makes space for her dating and then closing down again to a polyfi configuration of some sort

4) monoamorous you + polyamorous her as friends and co-parents, but not as marrieds any more.

5) Something else I cannot think of at this point.

You will get there. BREATHE. BREATHE.

Take care of you. In all your buckets -- mind, body, heart, soul. BREATHE. BREATHE.

Take it one thing at a time. BREATHE. BREATHE.

Namaste,
Galagirl
 
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All I can say is I've been there, and I know how you feel. I was pretty taken by surprise and I felt just as devastated at first, and it was a difficult road but I learned to quell my fears and try to trust my wife when she said she still loved me and didn't want to leave me. The jealousy took longer, and it's still not perfect. I don't really get sick anymore when she wants to see another man, but sometimes I get mad about it, especially when she doesn't communicate with me when she planning on meeting a man.

You're entitled to your feelings, and they're valid, but trust, communication, and time will sort them out one way or the other.
 
Thanks again to all the posters on my thread. The support is amazing and I really needed it.

I am taking the break I mentioned earlier because my wife went to the doctor on Friday and found out she may have a life threatening condition. I need to be her rock right now and that comes before my own emotions. To facilitate that, I am putting all this on the back burner until we know that she is gonna be ok.

You've all been so great. When it's appropriate, I'll be back.
 
Oy! I hope her health isn't as life threatening as first thought... :(

Yes... this is clearly NOT the time to be negotiating whether or not to Open. Her health and well being is def front burner stuff.

Hope you get news soon!

GG
 
Amk, my thoughts and well wishes are with you and your wife. *HUGS*
 
I stirred quite a few emotions when I wrote the words "core marriage issue". Emotions get stiirred when a core issue is pointed out. They don't get stirred when someone talks about an issue that does not exist. If someone talks about an issue that really doesn't exist, people hardly notice and quickly move on to something else. That did not happen here.

Obviously I pointed out something that not only exists in someone somewhere on this thread, but stirred a lot of emotions in most of the people who replied to me. Based on the replies I've received, there is obviously no opportunity to talk about this in a sincere way. The emotions are running too high for that. The simple act of me talking about it seems to continue to stir emotions.

I have no desire to stir emotions further.

I think you are getting a bit full of yourself here. Do you ever think you could be wrong? Your analysis isn't necessarily correct about all or most who replied here and cited your comments. I was one of the people who responded but rest assured that nothing in me was "stirred" by you. Don't you see how it comes off a s rather high and mighty of you to say that? I simply stated my observation that I believed you were off-base in your assessment of the situation and were harping on your point needlessly. I didn't have any emotions about this thread, other than compassion for the OP. This is just a message board and you are all strangers. It takes a lot more than that to stir my emotions, LOL.
 
I've found this thread to be very helpful.. Please let us know what you find out, I sincerely hope all turns out well with your wife's health.
 
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