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Old 10-17-2010, 01:01 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by vodkafan View Post
...and hope you grow into a true Mr Whimsey
HAHAHA! Exactly!
My blog
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Old 10-17-2010, 01:31 AM
TheMessInQuestion TheMessInQuestion is offline
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(just to clarify, the points I'd be inclined to address - but won't -- were a couple of comments and conclusions from respondents, not from whimsey herself. And nothing major - just quibbles!)
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Old 10-17-2010, 02:31 AM
whimsey whimsey is offline
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Location: Coastal BC
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Thanks again...I honestly don't know how I would have managed the past 48 hours without you. I would have made it, but not feeling alone...that made all the difference. I blog all the time, but its solitary...just knowing others have been there...I keep saying it, and its heartfelt.

There is so much to respond to!!

I was not doing so well when I knew he was at her hotel this morning and through to lunch. I blogged and wrote here and it helped, and hung with boyo a lot, but was still pretty panicky. And exhausted and a little crazy, too. So I made some lunch for us and I took a nap...it was likely the best thing I could have done, because I wasn't able to stress about what else they were doing and I caught up on some sleep which means I hopefully will be more level and calm tonight.

Then I henna'd my hair which is a long and distracting process. Smoothing that hay-smelling gunk on my head was oddly meditative and exceedingly relaxing...

And so now I'm doing a bit better.

He's on his way home - I see he posted a couple of times here..
I'm looking forward to seeing him and connecting and really scared and on edge too...about what we might talk about and about losing my cool.


Mohegan, thanks for your insights. I hope we can find a balance for communication. I do need to know that I am informed of big things, and that I can contact him whenever (I think I can but don't feel at all comfortable doing so - and any of my replies to the texts he sent to keep me informed went unanswered...we need to talk about that, I guess).

I do need to have contact - I've needed it for the past 22 years, and that's not going to suddenly change. He's been my best friend and my lover. Him disappearing completely is really hard. I totally understand their need for space without my intruding, but there must be a balance...it seems like you've found it. Something to work on for sure, before he goes away in November.

I really appreciate the time you're spending giving feedback to both of us. REALLY appreciate it. You're right that we need to work as a team and I need to be fair and not use things he offers against him. Sometimes that's hard - its good to be reminded of it.

She is not cheating on her husband, but there is stuff going on, from the sounds of things...and she has vulnerabilities that she has turned to him for help with. I completely get it - I'm a nurturer and understand that if she feels safe with him, its a good thing. It's just hard because of the dynamics between he and I, whereby he finds it hard to be that person with me. I have to separate the 2 things out...he is in that role with her and has been since they met, and he really has struggled with being in that role with me for years...I can't expect that to change right away, and maybe not ever. I guess there's envy for that side of him coming out and being given to another.

Your longer post just a while ago really touched me - thanks for sharing so much and for getting it so well. I think it may have stung him, though I don't know what parts of any of this he is responding to.

In regards to trust, the trouble is that I feel so much more betrayed, because I didn't walk after everything came out last year...and there was a LOT of stuff, things most people would have kicked him out for immediately. I stuck it through and we worked together, sometimes well, sometimes not. there was serious miscommunication this summer, but a lot of it happened after he'd already met her. He had asked for my trust and said I had all the time in the world to heal and he was there for me, no matter what. So to find out that that wasn't the case...that he'd gone behind my back, even if it wasn't physical yet...it's been that much harder. I think he thought it would be easier this time, my knowing, especially since it hadn't been physical, and that was a line he drew...but it wasn't my line and he knew that...So I was maybe knocked back harder than the last time. And this is all going so freaking fast my soul is spinning.

All that being said, I think I do have a right to put my foot down, to have a say. And I keep running into walls and end up backing down, which then causes hurt and resentment. I am practical and don't want to draw arbitrary lines...that was why I said it could all be on the table except spending the night. But I need to figure out what is really important to me, what hurts me the most and where I need the most support.

Mostly, I need to hear that he appreciates what I'm doing, that I haven't walked, that I am special to him...reassurances and support and caring and understanding. And those things, for whatever reason, don't come naturally to him when it comes to me. He can flirt and woo others with no problems, but it's hard with me - he's said so very clearly...and that makes it difficult.

I think you're right that he thinks this will blow over...because I didn't walk last time. And that he struggles with facing his actions and feelings around it. He might disagree, which is well in his rights. As soon as things get even a little better, he slows down the nurturing and gratitude and moves forward from that place, and then gets surprised when I get emotional or backslide. Its going to be a LONG process...we're talking 3 weeks now, and they've already had a 2 day date.

Its going to be harder in some ways, with this being a long distance relationship, because I think once they're together, they loose themselves completely every time. We have come to a good time balance for connecting in the day to day, I think. It really helps that she's in a different time zone and so our nights after 9:30 or 10:00 are just ours. That seems to be working, more or less - there have been some hard times when he's been deep into conversing with her during times that we've discussed as 'ours'...we can work on that. But the full-on immersion worries me a little, especially with him being gone and with her for over a week very soon.

And we're going away as a family this coming week, from Wed through Sun...he was concerned about how to fit communicating with her into that. I think whatever he figures will work with her has to be similar in time and attention to what he's going to provide me when he's with her. It's not necessarily about equality or tit for tat...but if he can problem solve with her how to continue to stay on touch when we're on the road, then it seems he should be able to problem solve with me as well...

I dunno...

Talking in circles a bit now, I think.

redpepper - thanks for your closing words in that last post...you gave me a good boost there...I am doing well with all this, and am a good person who deserves to be treated well. That was good to hear...my positive self talk only goes so far

Thanks again for your kind words and your support...you've lifted me up, all of you have - and I'm including Sage, LMBL and vodkafan in here with redpepper and Mohegan...and anyone else who's been lovely and supportive who I might have missed.

Hugs to you all! Thanks for taking the time to walk beside me on this journey for a ways. I hope that with everything I'm learning I'll be able to do the same for others too. It's so good to not feel alone...
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Old 10-17-2010, 02:34 AM
whimsey whimsey is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Coastal BC
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As for mess vs Mr W...
I'm gonna go with Mr W

Because he was likely going to just be W anyways for a couple of other reasons before 'mess' came up.

And maybe 'mess' gives him a reason to continue to be a mess...
We'll have to talk about it though...

And of course, he's gonna have to work a bit to become true Mr Whimsey

Thanks for the laughs!!!
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Old 10-18-2010, 09:52 AM
anotherbo anotherbo is offline
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Location: Homer, Alaska
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From your other thread, whimsey...

And the ultimate question, vinccenzo - I do feel loved. That being said, I don't know if I feel respected, valued or heard. Some of the time, yes...other times, not so much.
Being loved, respected, valued, heard, kept completely in the loop... these things are critical to a successful poly relationship. I'm pretty unimpressed with Mess' attempts to be Mr W so far... and that's coming from a man who cheated on his wife of 10 years. You've taken so much shit from him already, maybe he thinks your capacity is endless? If he's trying to push a wonderful woman out of his life, he seems to be going about it the right way.

I'm very impressed with you, however. It seems like you have made great strides in adjusting your mindset to a poly lifestyle. On your end, I think you can make poly work, despite not wanting it yourself. On his end...

In any case, I'm so glad you've gotten such wonderful support here, from women who have been through the same thing! Long distance *hugs*, and keep hanging in there.
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Old 10-19-2010, 02:54 AM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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Originally Posted by whimsey View Post
I am so far from strong these days....I used to be, I felt really good about who I was as a person. But the cheating and the lying and everything that went with it really, really eroded a lot of that and I am far more fragile than I've ever been in my life. And I am working on getting strong, I am...I don't like this version of me...but it's hard, because it really is just me making myself strong again, and that's lonely and its hard because it wasn't me who knocked my foundations...I feel like I need and deserve help rebuilding that. And just when I was starting to really get stronger about the past cheating and about myself...and just when I was opening up to a whole lot of sexual stuff and personal stuff...awakening, really...just when it felt like we were re-connecting...that's when all this happened...I wasn't strong and I got knocked right back down.
I'm trying not to respond, because I'm really angry about this. You have a right to your feelings. You *do* deserve his support, his loyalty, his devotion, his help rebuilding the relationship.

Easy and I were in this place a little over a year ago, not through cheating but through simply taking me for granted for years and years. I was hurt, and broken, and knew that I was strong enough to make it without him, and I felt that I was being weak allowing his poor treatment of me. I was ready to walk, and the only way that Easy was able to convince me to stay was to go that extra mile. He had to agree to (finally!) put me first, to show his love and devotion by not allowing other things or people to come before me, because otherwise I could just take care of myself and not be made miserable by his actions! If he had not kept his agreement with me, like your husband did to you, so that he could take care of someone else--I mean, come on, he could have at least sent you a text saying, "I love you, can't call right now, give me an hour (or get some sleep, call you in the morning)"--if he had not shown me that I was his FIRST PRIORITY then I would have felt better off without him.

Mr. Mess, I hope to all that you hold holy that you understand what a precious gift your wife has given you. If it were me, I'd be out finding a boyfriend so that you could feel what you have done to her. Petty as that is.
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Old 10-19-2010, 06:09 AM
whimsey whimsey is offline
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Location: Coastal BC
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Thanks guys,

It's been a hard couple of days...we're doing okay right now, but have realized that my definition of reassurance is extremely different from his. And that he didn't feel he was supposed to do anything above and beyond what I explicitly asked for...checking in periodically (and he admits he blew that one). And reassurance, but somehow, I emphasized that when he got home I'd likely be really needy (which is true), and he took that to mean that I'd be fine when he was away.

I think I'm being fair in summing it up that way.

Anyways...my expectations were higher than that - that he might spontaneously reach out and check in and reassure me while he was gone, outside those set times, and in a more emotional manner - his texts were very spare and matter of fact...

And I don't know if I can ascribe blame, though part of me is. Because I feel that if keeping our relationship is important, and healing it is important, that it would be obvious to err on the side of over-the-top, just a bit. And he never even considered it and seemed surprised when it came up.

That's a quick, nutshell summary...

There are issues he is trying to work through with his girlfriend. The idea that I reached out to her is really uncomfortable, I think. And she has a lot of her own stuff going on. She's withdrawn, which makes it a bit easier for me, obviously. He's hurting though, and so I'm hurting for him. And I'm hyper aware of not getting falsely comfortable in her not being in the day to day picture. We're actually talking a lot right now, he and I, and I'm trying to get an idea of what is hopes are, short and long term in regards to her. He can't control what she does and what she chooses, but what he would like to see happen.

And that causes some big ouches, and it sting, but it's good to be clear.
It's someplace to begin.

I could so easily go there. I am hurt and pissed but I am trying, right now, to be as proactive as I can. And I agree with you on his choices, plain and simple. I could tip so easily sometimes...and I have.
I occasionally do lose my cool and I do call him on things, and sometimes we fight and its ugly, and sometimes he takes it and doesn't get defensive, and we go somewhere with it. And I know that is not at all the best way to communicate. But sometimes, right now, I think it is only when I lose it (because I really am exceedingly level for the most part) - it is only when I go a little crazy that he really sees how important what I am saying is. So I think we need to figure out a way to get the hard stuff across with out histrionics or meltdowns...

We have a lot to learn about communicating and relating to each other....

One more thing...
It has been pointed out that I didn't perhaps portray the weekend accurately, in that them meeting this past weekend was my idea. They had made plans and then pulled back, so it wasn't a new idea. I didn't expect them to meet for nearly so long - I originally somehow thought he'd be home early afternoon, not 10:00 pm and was clear about that and that is part of where I feel steamrolled. Because of ferries, if they went to the show, he'd have to stay the night. I thought they should meet but felt they should not go to one of the hotels together, or be physical, even kissing. That they should have the chance to meet in person before 9 days in the big city. None of that made it past my opening salvo, really...

But to be completely fair, it was my idea that they meet, to see if I , and they, could make it work.

It was very much a trial and the results...well, you saw them...

But we are talking a lot now, so that is something...something good.
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Old 10-20-2010, 06:58 AM
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sage sage is offline
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Haven't had time to totally keep up with your thread, you write very long posts but you seem to be doing OK and you've had heaps of support from here which is neat.

All I can really add is that you seem to be making good progress. It takes a while to learn how you both act and react in different situations and that's perfectly normal because it's all new. I think its helpful to remember that and not expect anything else.

We have a rule. Well actually Z has a rule that I try and abide by. I can only expect to get something from him that I actually ask for. I am not allowed to assume he can ever read my mind because "your mind can be a very scary place".

He is good though, if I do mention I need something, like romantic text messages with stupid soppy pictures in them, he will remember from then on.
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Old 07-25-2011, 09:40 AM
whimsey whimsey is offline
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Location: Coastal BC
Posts: 19

I haven't posted here for a long time...things went very bad and I floundered a lot, when maybe I should have sought more support. In a nutshell, last November, 2 months after asking for an open marriage, and one month after admitting he was with another woman already, my husband started another affair with a 3rd woman, one whom he kept secret from his girlfriend and myself. I only found out about it in May, a month after he asked me for a divorce, and even then he lied and told me he'd just met her. The rest came out when a co-worker told me she'd seen them together last December. Sorry about the timeline - clear as mud, no? He's decided he wants to be monogamous with her, that she's 'the one' (after 18 years of marriage to me).
To say that it's been a hard year is putting it mildly. I knew you were here for me but was pretty stuck in the games and lies he was telling, and frankly, felt embarassed to admit to how much he was pulling me around...I'm a stronger person than that, or I was.

I wanted to come back here and just say a heartfelt thank you to everyone who supported me and was so welcoming. It really meant a lot to me. My views on poly were changed, for the better, seeing how you support one another. I've learned so much, and my personal situation hasn't changed that. Maybe some day I'll be back with a better poly experience...I'm not sure if its something I'd openly seek, but if that's what life brings me, my eyes have been opened and I see so much love and support. My experience clearly wasn't truly poly from the start - he had an agenda - but I'm not letting that taint what I've discovered from all of you. My apologies for taking so long to get back here, but I felt it important that I do.

Once again, thank you.
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Old 07-25-2011, 07:21 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 495

What a hard time it is when you find out the person you are with isn't acting with the same honestly and regard that you are.

I hope you get to take some time to be kind to yourself, and do some healing. I think one thing that can be difficult is rebuilding the capacity to trust others after someone has taken advantage of that trust. And also, trying not to look back in hindsight with "I should have seen that". Maybe... but you were coming from a place of honesty and respect to your relationship-- and I think with that comes a certain amount of faith that the other person is doing the same. Sometimes they are, and sometimes not, but none of that is a reflection on you.

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