Lost in Love

threesaparty

New member
Hello all,

I am new to this lifestyle and community, but have been aware and accepting of polyamory for many years. I wanted to introduce myself and ask some advice on what works for you, in hopes of finding a path for myself and my partner. Polyamory is clearly not a one-size-fits-all application, and I want to reach out to others who have been in my situation to hear what's been helpful and successful.

Long and Complicated Story Short
My partner and I have recently decided to open up our 2.5 year monogamous relationship after she came to me (throughout a series of months and discussions) and asked to open our relationship. Originally, we opened to bringing someone else into our play time, but to pursue interests strictly as a couple. We approached 1-2 potential females, but never pursued them enough to make it happen (despite interests all around) mostly due to difficult scheduling. Then last week, after another man asked my partner on a date and she felt attracted to him outside of our relationship, we discussed the matter. After a lot of emotions and negotiations, we decided that we would open the relationship and structure our rules and system to mediate our needs and desires in a way that could make us both happy without compromising our love or the best relationship either of us has ever had.

I am the person who was less interested in opening up. I know many poly people that are friends, and have also read books such as the Ethical Slut and Opening Up in the past, but wasn't terribly into the idea because I am completed emotionally satisfied and fulfilled with my current relationship without the desire for anything else at the moment. However, my partner—while loving me and wishing to remain in a relationship with me— wants to pursue others sexually and friendly on occasion outside of our relationship. While I may not be as interested (although I could maybe see myself enjoying more freedom at times) I understand my partners predicament, love her, and want to continue our partnership in life without losing what I love because I am not being flexible to the vast emotional landscape that is fluid, infinite, and far beyond my own understanding.

While I am scared at times—knowing I will encounter many mixed emotions and experience jealousy, and feel anxious as I do now— I want to pursue it.

Why I need some advice

After agreeing to unlocking the door, we're now in the process of going through the groundwork of opening it up. I want to know if there are any others on the forum that have experienced something similar (where they were less interested and more emotionally grounded in one person prior), and what your journey has been like? What models do you recommend, and do you have anything you think it might be helpful for me to know? Thanks in advance!

Lost in Love,
 
One suggestion I would make is to visit the blogs section on this forum. People have shared their stories and experiences there, and you might get some good information and find others whose experiences are similar to yours.
 
hi there...

I can't exactly break it down for you in the fanciest, science-like terms. But then again, that's one of the wonders of poly: you have to do what works for you...and if it's something you decide to continue pursuing, that's something you'll learn to know and love. However, I think that are a few basic rules of thumb that could help anyone out in the beginning.

My rules for my poly relationship are honestly some basic things that most people follow in their everyday lives anyway...for one: the first impression is the everlasting. your views of opening up your relationship could very well stick with you throughout your pursuing and courting another partner (or as I would call it, a second). However, in my opinion you should be open to other people's views, especially those that are close to you, such as poly friends. they can always aid you on both sides of the coin, either as advise, insight or just a different aspect.

a relationship with other partners always means inviting other views, opinions, morals and honestly, issues. everyone has a story that has led them to what they are and where they stand in life...it's a good thing to live your lifestyle freely without being judged, and to let people be free to live their lives as well (this also helps in lieu of dealing with jealousy).

I can't begin to tell you how beneficial I think it is to be able to communicate with your partners, or any friends that are accepting.

Be your own success story! if you truly are interested in a long-lasting poly relationship, you should remember that with any relationship there are some ups and downs. but that the power to reap the benefits of having more than one partner is dependant on every one of you (this is making me think of D'artangnan and the 3 Musketeers, LOL)

hope that helps some...good luck!

<Nooshin> ^-^
 
My situation is/was similar in that I was the partner that wanted to open, and my husband has remained monogamous, even though he has the option to date at any time. We don't have any real rules, other than to practice safe sex. I am now in a mono-poly-mono V and not dating outside of our polycule at the moment.
 
Polycule--I like that word! hehe :D
 
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