Frustrated With Old Communication Patterns

breezy

New member
My husband recently has reminded me that I don't really share things with him about my other relationship. I tend to keep things to myself for two reasons: 1) I don't like to share things that may be emotionally difficult for him to process, he is very sensitive, and 2) I don't like to share things that make me feel vulnerable where I might need some support but feel like I won't get it.

This is a pattern I've recognized that I have engaged in throughout our relationship of about 10 years. He is trying to be more supportive of me and has been encouraging me to go ahead and share things. That we can't build positive interactions if I don't at least put it out there and try. I have historically received this type of support through talking with close friends about my relationships and other personal things (rather than my husband). I am a verbal processor and talking through things is very helpful - but when I try to talk through things with my husband he can get very defensive and sensitive so it becomes about taking care of his emotions rather than processing through mine. This is the primary reason why I've turned to others, and one of the wonderful things that I get from polyamory.

Since we opened our relationship we have been working a lot on intentional and supportive communication. He has taken a lot of responsibility for his emotions and has recognized this pattern in our relationship. He is working with a therapist on these things as well. So he is encouraging me to be more open about sharing things about my other relationship. (we do have some agreements about what to share and what not to share)

This morning I decided I would try to share something. My boyfriend has a play friend that he used to engage with a couple of years ago before we met. They are still in touch regularly, but haven't engaged with one another in over a year. Today is her 40th birthday and he asked me how I felt about him offering her some playtime for her birthday. This is the first outside partner experience he will have since we got together about 4 months ago. Mostly I feel very happy and positive about this. He is wonderful, she is cute, and I would be happy for her to share in his attentions. I also have that tinge of jealousy and was sort of internally exploring all of these feelings. I was still processing. So I intentionally decided to talk with my husband about what I was feeling. This seemed like a perfect opportunity to share something like he has suggested.

The interaction didn't go very well from my perspective. He didn't seem interested initially and didn't really engage in the conversation, then he seemed confused about why I would be feeling that way. He wasn't supportive in the interaction and dismissed my feelings. Then he asked me how I could feel conflicted about my boyfriend when I don't seem to feel conflicted about him potentially having other partners (he hasn't yet had an outside partner since we opened our relationship). I got defensive at that point and told him I didn't want to talk about this with him anymore.

This turned into an hour long analytical conversation about why I don't like to share things, how he tends to respond, and how I then shut down. All in all, I didn't feel like what I was experiencing was a big deal (the feelings about my boyfriend and his play friend) - however since it turned into this HUGE discussion it was frustrating and really exaggerated the issue.

Ultimately he apologized for letting his insecurity drive his interest in the conversation and I apologized for trying to shut down the conversation when I felt vulnerable. So we concluded at a positive place and learned from this.

I do feel very frustrated though. I wanted to share this with you all to get some perspective and some support.

Thoughts?
 
Hi breezy, and welcome!

Your thread is very interesting to me. This is an issue I can certainly relate to, and I completely understand your frustrations. I will share my experiences with you in the hope that it helps, along with some opinions for you to think about.

This issue comes up between myself and my partner, so you are definitely not alone. We have experienced similar struggles in that one of our insecurities (typically mine) can get in the way of really, actively listening to what the other person wants to share. Over time, this can lead to a lack of sharing, as you know, which can really decrease intimacy.

Firstly, one thing that struck me from your post is that you and your husband really seem to be giving this some serious consideration and both seem to be trying to make productive changes. This is so wonderful to hear! When sharing with your husband goes awry, you are no doubt not only feeling invalidated, frustrated, and upset, but also worse than you were before talking to him! In return, I'd bet that your husband feels frustrated and further away from you, which is only going to perpetuate his cycle of insecurity.

Approaching communication
One thing I would like to ask is this: When you say that you decided you wanted to share with your husband this morning (which is completely understandable, and a positive thing), how did you approach it? What was your husband doing at the time? Did you launch straight into it, or did you ask him if he had a moment to talk to you? Did you prepare him for the topic, or get straight to the ol' mean n' bones of it?

I ask because one thing that has GREATLY helped myself and my partner to communicate calmly is to inject a little phrase before opening up about something. We'll say something like this:

"Baby, I could really use your support on something. It's about [topic/person], and I want to check that you're in an ok place to hear about it right now. I don't want to upset you, but I want to be close to you by sharing what's on my mind."

The key ideas behind this are "need your support", "check that you're up for it", and "I want to be close to you". By sharing the topic beforehand, you're also preparing your partner.

Hearing something like this almost always puts me in a responsive, caring, compassionate, SUPPORTIVE frame of mind. Too often, I can fall into advice-giving, logical mode with my partner. Too often, I can be thinking in my head "God, you're so enveloped in your other partner, what about us?". Too often, we react instead of absorbing and supporting.

I also believe, and have been learning a lot about, reaping what we sow. While we might approach a partner with the intent to enhance togetherness, our delivery might not convey this. If we are able to articulate ourselves enough to invite our partner into our world, it is more likely that they will join us there.

Time and place
On the other hand though, there is something for you to consider. While your husband's insecurities do seem to be running the show at the moment, I always think it's a good idea to address red flags that come up. You shouldn't have to reassure your husband about something when you're looking for support. It's the wrong moment. However, if you two could find a way of ensuring that his 'splinter' thoughts are addressed at a later point, this might be useful. You could agree that he tries to bite his tongue in the moment, but can come to you with his issue the following day.

He could also concentrate on bringing it to you in a positive way the following day. He could thank you for sharing. He could say he's happy he could be there for you. You could thank him for what he's done well. This creates a win-win, because you're more likely to want to be present and give support: a) after he has done the same for you; and b) after you have had 24 hours to deal with your own stuff.

Your relationship with your boyfriend is new, at 4 months old. It's understandable that your husband feels a pinch that you seem to be jealous about your boyfriend's other interactions, but not his. After all, under conventional monogamous structure, jealousy can be considered representative of love. Therefore, your husband worries that if you aren't jealous about his other interactions, you love your boyfriend more than you love him, or are more focused on your boyfriend than you are on him. It's an important fear to address - it doesn't mean that your husband is right, or that he should blab his feelings about this in the middle of a discussion where YOU need HIS support.

Be the change you seek!
It's wonderful that you and your husband could see where your conversation went wrong, and that you have had a learning experience. You, yourself, can employ this in the future, even if hubby forgets. The next time your husband fails to validate, support, listen, or focus on you when you come to him, you can try to *choose* to respond openly. Instead of becoming frustrated and shutting down, you can try to remain calm. You can validate him! You can say "Baby, I understand this must be difficult for you to hear. Do you need 5 minutes, or are you able to carry on with me?"

Reactivity
My partner and I recently made something of a breakthrough in that we realised the importance of not being *reactive*. Being conscious of our emotional reactivity has helped greatly, because when these thoughts come up, there's an internal monologue that says "Hey, no need to blurt this out. Say nothing, and listen." So far, it's really helping a great deal. You and your husband could both focus on being less reactive.

I actually recently read a great technique for this. I kid you not, it sounds ridiculous. The method is to smile when you are feeling... well... shitty, angry, insecure, upset, shocked, etc. I've used this method a hell of a lot recently. Frustration was building up in my relationship, and anger was getting the better of me. Now, when I'm feeling seriously pissed, I smile. It works like you wouldn't believe. Read this article for more:
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/smile-it-could-make-you-happier/

Validation
Another thing that's helped me is to read about validating people when they come to you for support. It can be very difficult to 'agree' with someone when you don't understand their perspective. However, if your husband could learn that validating isn't about agreeing or seeing the logic, this should really help. Additionally, what helps me when my partner is making no damn sense or I'm struggling with hearing her is to remember that communication in a relationship is about JOINING each other emotionally. If I keep that word in mind "joining, joining, joining", it keeps me with her, instead of inside myself.

This is an excellent article on the importance of validation, and how to get it right: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shannon-kellogg-psy-d/relationship-advice_b_2127394.html

I hope this helps!
 
I remember having to tell my husband that I only wanted him to listen, and not give me advice or feedback because I just needed to talk something out. This was difficult for him, because he felt responsible for my happiness and thought he was supposed to fix whatever was bothering or perplexing me. He had to be told repeatedly that I was not asking him to do anything, that I just needed to talk and for him to listen. Or, when I did want his advice, I would have to tell him to wait until I finished saying what I had to say before commenting. Sometimes you have to set up the parameters for the discussion before beginning.
 
Thanks for your input sparklepop and nycindie.

What we had come to was much of what you both suggested: framing the conversation, asking for what we need upfront from the conversation, giving a warning and an out if the other person isn't ready to discuss, validating feelings even if you don't understand, holding back your own stuff until later to ensure the initiating partner feels supported and heard first,...

It is hard to do all those things. Sometimes I just want the communication between us to be easy and to work. However, I realize that we are working to build new patterns and the more we do it the easier it will get.

It is very helpful to hear that others deal with this too and that it takes work to solve, but that it is solvable. I think before we started really breaking this stuff down, I worried that it couldn't be addressed or that it couldn't change. So hearing that others have worked through something similar is very encouraging. :)
 
@breezy, I sincerely appreciate you bringing this up. I've been guilty of derailing my boyfriend's soul-searching conversation because, while he explored his feelings, he said something that was triggering to me.

We didn't pre-frame the discussion, but I knew what he was doing. The conversation wasn't about me, it was about a potential date. Then he said That Thing and suddenly I couldn't pay attention anymore. I tried to listen, but my brain hamsters starting a spinning class in my head. I knew I shouldn't say anything, but...but...but...

...and we're fighting. Credit to my boyfriend, he's more patient than I am.

This writing [http://qadishtuwalking.com/files/be09eaa9a7d1a68715e9c2dbf246d978-90.html] quotes Kathy Labriola and does a good job of explaining what happens when one person is communicating to tell a story and another thinks their job is to problem solve or make a decision. It's frustrating stuff, but at least now I am more self-aware.

@sparklepop, I read the article on validating and I think it's got great advice. Next time, I'll tell the hamsters to take a Gatorade break and come back when my boyfriend is done processing.
 
Hi breezy, and welcome!

Your thread is very interesting to me. This is an issue I can certainly relate to, and I completely understand your frustrations. I will share my experiences with you in the hope that it helps, along with some opinions for you to think about.

This issue comes up between myself and my partner, so you are definitely not alone. We have experienced similar struggles in that one of our insecurities (typically mine) can get in the way of really, actively listening to what the other person wants to share. Over time, this can lead to a lack of sharing, as you know, which can really decrease intimacy.

Firstly, one thing that struck me from your post is that you and your husband really seem to be giving this some serious consideration and both seem to be trying to make productive changes. This is so wonderful to hear! When sharing with your husband goes awry, you are no doubt not only feeling invalidated, frustrated, and upset, but also worse than you were before talking to him! In return, I'd bet that your husband feels frustrated and further away from you, which is only going to perpetuate his cycle of insecurity.

Approaching communication
One thing I would like to ask is this: When you say that you decided you wanted to share with your husband this morning (which is completely understandable, and a positive thing), how did you approach it? What was your husband doing at the time? Did you launch straight into it, or did you ask him if he had a moment to talk to you? Did you prepare him for the topic, or get straight to the ol' mean n' bones of it?

I ask because one thing that has GREATLY helped myself and my partner to communicate calmly is to inject a little phrase before opening up about something. We'll say something like this:

"Baby, I could really use your support on something. It's about [topic/person], and I want to check that you're in an ok place to hear about it right now. I don't want to upset you, but I want to be close to you by sharing what's on my mind."

The key ideas behind this are "need your support", "check that you're up for it", and "I want to be close to you". By sharing the topic beforehand, you're also preparing your partner.

Hearing something like this almost always puts me in a responsive, caring, compassionate, SUPPORTIVE frame of mind. Too often, I can fall into advice-giving, logical mode with my partner. Too often, I can be thinking in my head "God, you're so enveloped in your other partner, what about us?". Too often, we react instead of absorbing and supporting.

I also believe, and have been learning a lot about, reaping what we sow. While we might approach a partner with the intent to enhance togetherness, our delivery might not convey this. If we are able to articulate ourselves enough to invite our partner into our world, it is more likely that they will join us there.

Time and place
On the other hand though, there is something for you to consider. While your husband's insecurities do seem to be running the show at the moment, I always think it's a good idea to address red flags that come up. You shouldn't have to reassure your husband about something when you're looking for support. It's the wrong moment. However, if you two could find a way of ensuring that his 'splinter' thoughts are addressed at a later point, this might be useful. You could agree that he tries to bite his tongue in the moment, but can come to you with his issue the following day.

He could also concentrate on bringing it to you in a positive way the following day. He could thank you for sharing. He could say he's happy he could be there for you. You could thank him for what he's done well. This creates a win-win, because you're more likely to want to be present and give support: a) after he has done the same for you; and b) after you have had 24 hours to deal with your own stuff.

Your relationship with your boyfriend is new, at 4 months old. It's understandable that your husband feels a pinch that you seem to be jealous about your boyfriend's other interactions, but not his. After all, under conventional monogamous structure, jealousy can be considered representative of love. Therefore, your husband worries that if you aren't jealous about his other interactions, you love your boyfriend more than you love him, or are more focused on your boyfriend than you are on him. It's an important fear to address - it doesn't mean that your husband is right, or that he should blab his feelings about this in the middle of a discussion where YOU need HIS support.

Be the change you seek!
It's wonderful that you and your husband could see where your conversation went wrong, and that you have had a learning experience. You, yourself, can employ this in the future, even if hubby forgets. The next time your husband fails to validate, support, listen, or focus on you when you come to him, you can try to *choose* to respond openly. Instead of becoming frustrated and shutting down, you can try to remain calm. You can validate him! You can say "Baby, I understand this must be difficult for you to hear. Do you need 5 minutes, or are you able to carry on with me?"

Reactivity
My partner and I recently made something of a breakthrough in that we realised the importance of not being *reactive*. Being conscious of our emotional reactivity has helped greatly, because when these thoughts come up, there's an internal monologue that says "Hey, no need to blurt this out. Say nothing, and listen." So far, it's really helping a great deal. You and your husband could both focus on being less reactive.

I actually recently read a great technique for this. I kid you not, it sounds ridiculous. The method is to smile when you are feeling... well... shitty, angry, insecure, upset, shocked, etc. I've used this method a hell of a lot recently. Frustration was building up in my relationship, and anger was getting the better of me. Now, when I'm feeling seriously pissed, I smile. It works like you wouldn't believe. Read this article for more:
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/smile-it-could-make-you-happier/

Validation
Another thing that's helped me is to read about validating people when they come to you for support. It can be very difficult to 'agree' with someone when you don't understand their perspective. However, if your husband could learn that validating isn't about agreeing or seeing the logic, this should really help. Additionally, what helps me when my partner is making no damn sense or I'm struggling with hearing her is to remember that communication in a relationship is about JOINING each other emotionally. If I keep that word in mind "joining, joining, joining", it keeps me with her, instead of inside myself.

This is an excellent article on the importance of validation, and how to get it right: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shannon-kellogg-psy-d/relationship-advice_b_2127394.html

I hope this helps!

Oh SparklePOP, im here in tears. Ive just lost a love and I know its because of this. Im guilty too of reacting wrong. But all I ever wanted was to communicate like the above. It takes courage of course and a will on both sides. But it reads so sweetly to imagine each other listening and being able to share ones self if the other is listening too.

If a partner spoke to me like the above, I would melt and be mush at your feet and do nearly anything for you. :eek::eek:
 
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@breezy

It is hard to do all those things. Sometimes I just want the communication between us to be easy and to work. However, I realize that we are working to build new patterns and the more we do it the easier it will get.

I definitely understand this. Sometimes it can feel incredibly frustrating, and we might even worry if it's a sign that we are simply not compatible with our partner - that we just cannot see eye to eye. However, I genuinely believe in the idea that what we see in others is a reflection of what we are denying in ourselves. Often, we think a partner is communicating badly, but this actually means that we are also communicating badly. It might help you to think of these struggles as an *opportunity*, rather than tedious waters to wade through. By wading through them with your husband, you are going to be improving your own skills!

It is very helpful to hear that others deal with this too and that it takes work to solve, but that it is solvable. I think before we started really breaking this stuff down, I worried that it couldn't be addressed or that it couldn't change. So hearing that others have worked through something similar is very encouraging.
I'd definitely encourage you to stick with it! Change takes time. Also, especially while communication styles are being unpicked, it's completely normal for conversations to derail despite your best efforts. Be forgiving of each other and try to recognise the signs when the conversation is spiraling downhill. Try approaching conversations with a 'damage limitation' mindset and see if this helps you.


@PaperGrace
Then he said That Thing and suddenly I couldn't pay attention anymore. I tried to listen, but my brain hamsters starting a spinning class in my head. I knew I shouldn't say anything, but...but...but...

@sparklepop, I read the article on validating and I think it's got great advice. Next time, I'll tell the hamsters to take a Gatorade break and come back when my boyfriend is done processing.

Haha... brain hamsters. YES. I know this feeling! I'll tell mine to meet yours for that Gatorade break.



@bassman
Oh SparklePOP, im here in tears. Ive just lost a love and I know its because of this. Im guilty too of reacting wrong. But all I ever wanted was to communicate like the above. It takes courage of course and a will on both sides. But it reads so sweetly to imagine each other listening and being able to share ones self if the other is listening too.

If a partner spoke to me like the above, I would melt and be mush at your feet and do nearly anything for you.

Your post was so sweet, bassman. I'm so sorry you are hurting. I think that all of us, myself included, sometimes need to hit rock bottom in order to behave in the manner that we want to behave. While two people usually play a part in miscommunication, if you've identified something you'd like to improve about yourself, I think that is a wonderful thing! :)
 
Just a little update. Communication has been improving with lots of ups and downs. Today though we had a wonderful and fruitful conversation over the phone. It helped to be on the phone, like it put enough distance so that we didn't get too emotional.

We've been able to mutually recognize some of our bad communication patterns. While that hasn't changed them overnight, it has led to more accountability.
 
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