My husband recently has reminded me that I don't really share things with him about my other relationship. I tend to keep things to myself for two reasons: 1) I don't like to share things that may be emotionally difficult for him to process, he is very sensitive, and 2) I don't like to share things that make me feel vulnerable where I might need some support but feel like I won't get it.
This is a pattern I've recognized that I have engaged in throughout our relationship of about 10 years. He is trying to be more supportive of me and has been encouraging me to go ahead and share things. That we can't build positive interactions if I don't at least put it out there and try. I have historically received this type of support through talking with close friends about my relationships and other personal things (rather than my husband). I am a verbal processor and talking through things is very helpful - but when I try to talk through things with my husband he can get very defensive and sensitive so it becomes about taking care of his emotions rather than processing through mine. This is the primary reason why I've turned to others, and one of the wonderful things that I get from polyamory.
Since we opened our relationship we have been working a lot on intentional and supportive communication. He has taken a lot of responsibility for his emotions and has recognized this pattern in our relationship. He is working with a therapist on these things as well. So he is encouraging me to be more open about sharing things about my other relationship. (we do have some agreements about what to share and what not to share)
This morning I decided I would try to share something. My boyfriend has a play friend that he used to engage with a couple of years ago before we met. They are still in touch regularly, but haven't engaged with one another in over a year. Today is her 40th birthday and he asked me how I felt about him offering her some playtime for her birthday. This is the first outside partner experience he will have since we got together about 4 months ago. Mostly I feel very happy and positive about this. He is wonderful, she is cute, and I would be happy for her to share in his attentions. I also have that tinge of jealousy and was sort of internally exploring all of these feelings. I was still processing. So I intentionally decided to talk with my husband about what I was feeling. This seemed like a perfect opportunity to share something like he has suggested.
The interaction didn't go very well from my perspective. He didn't seem interested initially and didn't really engage in the conversation, then he seemed confused about why I would be feeling that way. He wasn't supportive in the interaction and dismissed my feelings. Then he asked me how I could feel conflicted about my boyfriend when I don't seem to feel conflicted about him potentially having other partners (he hasn't yet had an outside partner since we opened our relationship). I got defensive at that point and told him I didn't want to talk about this with him anymore.
This turned into an hour long analytical conversation about why I don't like to share things, how he tends to respond, and how I then shut down. All in all, I didn't feel like what I was experiencing was a big deal (the feelings about my boyfriend and his play friend) - however since it turned into this HUGE discussion it was frustrating and really exaggerated the issue.
Ultimately he apologized for letting his insecurity drive his interest in the conversation and I apologized for trying to shut down the conversation when I felt vulnerable. So we concluded at a positive place and learned from this.
I do feel very frustrated though. I wanted to share this with you all to get some perspective and some support.
Thoughts?
This is a pattern I've recognized that I have engaged in throughout our relationship of about 10 years. He is trying to be more supportive of me and has been encouraging me to go ahead and share things. That we can't build positive interactions if I don't at least put it out there and try. I have historically received this type of support through talking with close friends about my relationships and other personal things (rather than my husband). I am a verbal processor and talking through things is very helpful - but when I try to talk through things with my husband he can get very defensive and sensitive so it becomes about taking care of his emotions rather than processing through mine. This is the primary reason why I've turned to others, and one of the wonderful things that I get from polyamory.
Since we opened our relationship we have been working a lot on intentional and supportive communication. He has taken a lot of responsibility for his emotions and has recognized this pattern in our relationship. He is working with a therapist on these things as well. So he is encouraging me to be more open about sharing things about my other relationship. (we do have some agreements about what to share and what not to share)
This morning I decided I would try to share something. My boyfriend has a play friend that he used to engage with a couple of years ago before we met. They are still in touch regularly, but haven't engaged with one another in over a year. Today is her 40th birthday and he asked me how I felt about him offering her some playtime for her birthday. This is the first outside partner experience he will have since we got together about 4 months ago. Mostly I feel very happy and positive about this. He is wonderful, she is cute, and I would be happy for her to share in his attentions. I also have that tinge of jealousy and was sort of internally exploring all of these feelings. I was still processing. So I intentionally decided to talk with my husband about what I was feeling. This seemed like a perfect opportunity to share something like he has suggested.
The interaction didn't go very well from my perspective. He didn't seem interested initially and didn't really engage in the conversation, then he seemed confused about why I would be feeling that way. He wasn't supportive in the interaction and dismissed my feelings. Then he asked me how I could feel conflicted about my boyfriend when I don't seem to feel conflicted about him potentially having other partners (he hasn't yet had an outside partner since we opened our relationship). I got defensive at that point and told him I didn't want to talk about this with him anymore.
This turned into an hour long analytical conversation about why I don't like to share things, how he tends to respond, and how I then shut down. All in all, I didn't feel like what I was experiencing was a big deal (the feelings about my boyfriend and his play friend) - however since it turned into this HUGE discussion it was frustrating and really exaggerated the issue.
Ultimately he apologized for letting his insecurity drive his interest in the conversation and I apologized for trying to shut down the conversation when I felt vulnerable. So we concluded at a positive place and learned from this.
I do feel very frustrated though. I wanted to share this with you all to get some perspective and some support.
Thoughts?