TurquoiseMouse
New member
I'm still such a newbie--I'm in need of some advice/thoughts/suggestions! Thank you in advance! (And Ink, if you happen to stumble upon and read this before I'm able to talk to you about it and realize this is me and that you are Ink, let's talk whenever you're able )
Background:
I have been with Ink, whom I would call my primary partner for about 7 years, we've lived together for about 5 of those. We share finances, have pets, life goals, etc. I started my journey into poly when a friend of mine (I'll call him Fox) who I've known for over ten years (and has also been friends with Ink since I introduced them 6ish years ago) and I realized we had feelings for and chemistry with each other about a year ago. I researched poly, brought it up to Ink, and was honest with him about my feelings for Fox. Ink agrees with all the same poly principles and theories that I do, but he's not sure if he's poly or mono. We've had some stumbles and it's definitely been a lot of work, but he says he wants to still be with me and I with him, so we're embarking on this journey together and I believe we have (and are continuing to strengthen) a strong foundation (and our communication and self-discovery has improved SO MUCH through all of this!)
Fox and I have been communicating more and more regularly, and our friendship is naturally evolving. However, he lives in another state (mine and Ink's hometown--so Ink and I go back for some holidays and random friend/family visits, but it's a 2 day drive and a pricey flight away), and as such in the past we've only seen each other a couple times a year. That's gradually starting to increase, but it is usually me + Ink + Fox + metamour (Fox's GF). I've been back to visit once by myself and it was hard on Ink--although this was back in the beginning, maybe 6 months ago, and it was still me + Fox + metamour (Fox's GF), no alone time for me + Fox.
And this brings me to my dilemma: I have plans (flights booked) to go back to my hometown to see friends (not just Fox) in March, by myself, without Ink. Ink and I discuss it regularly to keep on the same page and talk about any new feelings that come up in preparation for my trip. It's been planned for over a year, before the poly journey even started. I will mostly be hanging out at a nerdy convention with Fox, his GF--my metamour, and other mutual friends. Which will be fun and awesome, but little/no alone time for me + Fox just because of the nature of the trip/convention.
Meanwhile, a couple weeks ago, Fox invited me to vacation with him (he's going on several trips within the next year and welcomed me to pick whichever one I would like to go on with him). I discussed it with Ink, and made it clear that travel is a love of mine and I have several wants/needs to do it A) by myeslf sometimes, B) with family (my mom and I take mother/daughter trips somewhat often), C) with him (Ink), and D) with friends/other partners (at the moment, Fox). I see travel and adventure as a need of mine (when financially able), and all of those (A, B, C, and D) as separate wants/needs altogether. Doing one does not satisfy the other--taking a trip with my mom does not make me want to take a trip with Ink any less.
Ink has said he is still in the process of working on his feelings, emotions and thoughts regarding me being with Fox (just in general as well as me + Fox being alone together, me + Fox traveling together, etc), and has said that my trip in March will be a good stepping stone/baby step. However, the trip that it would be cheapest for me to go on--and the place I most want to go to--with Fox is in February, to a location near where I currently live (cheap flights and less travel time for me). I have told Ink that I do and will want to travel with Fox in the future. He has said he understands that. I have not specifically said that I want to or requested to go on this trip with Fox in February yet, but Ink does know that I've been invited to join in any of a number of trips within the year. I would like to tell Ink that I want to go on this trip in February, but here are the complications:
One: This is hard to explain, but Ink is currently working every extra hour that he's not at his day job on a kind of job application (project-based application, typical for his industry) for a new job in a different state (his current job has crummy, crummy management)--so he's stressed, and also just plain doesn't have spare time or energy at the moment to engage in that kind of convo with me right now, and I do not want to stress him out more, as this new job would be great for him and also for the both of us, and also for me + Fox (new job would be closer to our hometown, where Fox lives currently--he also visits the state where the new job is once a month-ish). Ink will be done with this new-job-working-process-thingy in two-ish weeks, then will hopefully find out if he gets an interview/gets the job within a month-ish I'd hope.
Two: Ink and I share finances, but he makes considerably more than I do, and right now we lump everything together--I do not currently have my own designated spending money. We both decided individually, and then talked about, the fact that my own separate spending money is something I need--especially to do poly. Ink doesn't want--and I don't want him to--to feel bad from the thought that I am using 'his' or 'our' money for dates/trips/what have you with other partners (also currently I think I'm at my polysaturation level on my own end and do not intend to look for any other partners, in case that's relevant at all). So while we do intend to sort things out financially, it's not really feasible until Ink is done with his two-week-job-stressful-applying-thingy. So I'm not sure if I will end up having some starting money for spending, or if I still start saving from my most recent pay after we set things up. Therefore, I'm not even positive I could afford the trip in February, but if I could, I would want to go, so long as it didn't cause Ink a huge amount of stress if he's not ready for that yet.
So...
I do not want to push/pressure Ink. I do want to stay with him, and I respect him, so I don't want to be all selfish and NRE-y and tell him to just deal while I go off on a trip with Fox, sooner than what Ink feels prepared for.
But, when a chance to see Fox comes up, it is sooooo hard for me to want to say no, since the distance makes those opportunities few and far between--I also have not yet had the chance to be one-on-one with Fox, and that is something I very much want. I also have read over and over in my research on poly over the past year, that the most growth comes when you step outside of your comfort zone. Ink is definitely not trying to out-of-sight-out-of-mind things intentionally, but I don't know if a one-on-one February trip with just me and Fox would truly be too much too soon, or if it would be good in the long run for me to say it's something I really want and fight for a bit, and see if Ink is willing to work with me on it--even if it would cause him to have to speed up his dealing with the idea, and thereby possibly cause unnecessary stress for him.
I would also feel somewhat guilty asking for/receiving an amount of 'startup' spending/savings money for myself, and then using most/all of it to immediately go off on a trip with Fox--but that is something I probably need to work on within myself, re: self-worth.
Has anybody been through any kind of similar situation? Even if not, any thoughts as to how not to be selfish, if I AM being selfish, if I should ask for more, etc? Should I just let this trip go, not bring it up, and be happy with what I'm already getting, and go as slow as Ink needs me to and plan for something with Fox more in the future (another trip I would like to go on with him is in June, but could be a lot more expensive so I may not be able to afford that one either way--but I'm sure there will be more chances in the future, it's just this current one sounds soooooo good right now, lol)? Should I bring it up ASAP, or wait til he's done with his stressy-job-stuff and after the holidays (which could make the trip cost go up the longer I wait, if it does indeed end up happening)? Should I wait until my trip in March, see how it goes and how Ink handles it, work on any issues that come up from that, and then try to plan something with Fox for the future?
Sorry for writing a novel, and thanks again for all who took the time to read, and thank you in advance for replies!
-Mouse
Background:
I have been with Ink, whom I would call my primary partner for about 7 years, we've lived together for about 5 of those. We share finances, have pets, life goals, etc. I started my journey into poly when a friend of mine (I'll call him Fox) who I've known for over ten years (and has also been friends with Ink since I introduced them 6ish years ago) and I realized we had feelings for and chemistry with each other about a year ago. I researched poly, brought it up to Ink, and was honest with him about my feelings for Fox. Ink agrees with all the same poly principles and theories that I do, but he's not sure if he's poly or mono. We've had some stumbles and it's definitely been a lot of work, but he says he wants to still be with me and I with him, so we're embarking on this journey together and I believe we have (and are continuing to strengthen) a strong foundation (and our communication and self-discovery has improved SO MUCH through all of this!)
Fox and I have been communicating more and more regularly, and our friendship is naturally evolving. However, he lives in another state (mine and Ink's hometown--so Ink and I go back for some holidays and random friend/family visits, but it's a 2 day drive and a pricey flight away), and as such in the past we've only seen each other a couple times a year. That's gradually starting to increase, but it is usually me + Ink + Fox + metamour (Fox's GF). I've been back to visit once by myself and it was hard on Ink--although this was back in the beginning, maybe 6 months ago, and it was still me + Fox + metamour (Fox's GF), no alone time for me + Fox.
And this brings me to my dilemma: I have plans (flights booked) to go back to my hometown to see friends (not just Fox) in March, by myself, without Ink. Ink and I discuss it regularly to keep on the same page and talk about any new feelings that come up in preparation for my trip. It's been planned for over a year, before the poly journey even started. I will mostly be hanging out at a nerdy convention with Fox, his GF--my metamour, and other mutual friends. Which will be fun and awesome, but little/no alone time for me + Fox just because of the nature of the trip/convention.
Meanwhile, a couple weeks ago, Fox invited me to vacation with him (he's going on several trips within the next year and welcomed me to pick whichever one I would like to go on with him). I discussed it with Ink, and made it clear that travel is a love of mine and I have several wants/needs to do it A) by myeslf sometimes, B) with family (my mom and I take mother/daughter trips somewhat often), C) with him (Ink), and D) with friends/other partners (at the moment, Fox). I see travel and adventure as a need of mine (when financially able), and all of those (A, B, C, and D) as separate wants/needs altogether. Doing one does not satisfy the other--taking a trip with my mom does not make me want to take a trip with Ink any less.
Ink has said he is still in the process of working on his feelings, emotions and thoughts regarding me being with Fox (just in general as well as me + Fox being alone together, me + Fox traveling together, etc), and has said that my trip in March will be a good stepping stone/baby step. However, the trip that it would be cheapest for me to go on--and the place I most want to go to--with Fox is in February, to a location near where I currently live (cheap flights and less travel time for me). I have told Ink that I do and will want to travel with Fox in the future. He has said he understands that. I have not specifically said that I want to or requested to go on this trip with Fox in February yet, but Ink does know that I've been invited to join in any of a number of trips within the year. I would like to tell Ink that I want to go on this trip in February, but here are the complications:
One: This is hard to explain, but Ink is currently working every extra hour that he's not at his day job on a kind of job application (project-based application, typical for his industry) for a new job in a different state (his current job has crummy, crummy management)--so he's stressed, and also just plain doesn't have spare time or energy at the moment to engage in that kind of convo with me right now, and I do not want to stress him out more, as this new job would be great for him and also for the both of us, and also for me + Fox (new job would be closer to our hometown, where Fox lives currently--he also visits the state where the new job is once a month-ish). Ink will be done with this new-job-working-process-thingy in two-ish weeks, then will hopefully find out if he gets an interview/gets the job within a month-ish I'd hope.
Two: Ink and I share finances, but he makes considerably more than I do, and right now we lump everything together--I do not currently have my own designated spending money. We both decided individually, and then talked about, the fact that my own separate spending money is something I need--especially to do poly. Ink doesn't want--and I don't want him to--to feel bad from the thought that I am using 'his' or 'our' money for dates/trips/what have you with other partners (also currently I think I'm at my polysaturation level on my own end and do not intend to look for any other partners, in case that's relevant at all). So while we do intend to sort things out financially, it's not really feasible until Ink is done with his two-week-job-stressful-applying-thingy. So I'm not sure if I will end up having some starting money for spending, or if I still start saving from my most recent pay after we set things up. Therefore, I'm not even positive I could afford the trip in February, but if I could, I would want to go, so long as it didn't cause Ink a huge amount of stress if he's not ready for that yet.
So...
I do not want to push/pressure Ink. I do want to stay with him, and I respect him, so I don't want to be all selfish and NRE-y and tell him to just deal while I go off on a trip with Fox, sooner than what Ink feels prepared for.
But, when a chance to see Fox comes up, it is sooooo hard for me to want to say no, since the distance makes those opportunities few and far between--I also have not yet had the chance to be one-on-one with Fox, and that is something I very much want. I also have read over and over in my research on poly over the past year, that the most growth comes when you step outside of your comfort zone. Ink is definitely not trying to out-of-sight-out-of-mind things intentionally, but I don't know if a one-on-one February trip with just me and Fox would truly be too much too soon, or if it would be good in the long run for me to say it's something I really want and fight for a bit, and see if Ink is willing to work with me on it--even if it would cause him to have to speed up his dealing with the idea, and thereby possibly cause unnecessary stress for him.
I would also feel somewhat guilty asking for/receiving an amount of 'startup' spending/savings money for myself, and then using most/all of it to immediately go off on a trip with Fox--but that is something I probably need to work on within myself, re: self-worth.
Has anybody been through any kind of similar situation? Even if not, any thoughts as to how not to be selfish, if I AM being selfish, if I should ask for more, etc? Should I just let this trip go, not bring it up, and be happy with what I'm already getting, and go as slow as Ink needs me to and plan for something with Fox more in the future (another trip I would like to go on with him is in June, but could be a lot more expensive so I may not be able to afford that one either way--but I'm sure there will be more chances in the future, it's just this current one sounds soooooo good right now, lol)? Should I bring it up ASAP, or wait til he's done with his stressy-job-stuff and after the holidays (which could make the trip cost go up the longer I wait, if it does indeed end up happening)? Should I wait until my trip in March, see how it goes and how Ink handles it, work on any issues that come up from that, and then try to plan something with Fox for the future?
Sorry for writing a novel, and thanks again for all who took the time to read, and thank you in advance for replies!
-Mouse
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