LDR logistics and compromises, advice needed!

TurquoiseMouse

New member
I'm still such a newbie--I'm in need of some advice/thoughts/suggestions! Thank you in advance! (And Ink, if you happen to stumble upon and read this before I'm able to talk to you about it and realize this is me and that you are Ink, let's talk whenever you're able :D)

Background:
I have been with Ink, whom I would call my primary partner for about 7 years, we've lived together for about 5 of those. We share finances, have pets, life goals, etc. I started my journey into poly when a friend of mine (I'll call him Fox) who I've known for over ten years (and has also been friends with Ink since I introduced them 6ish years ago) and I realized we had feelings for and chemistry with each other about a year ago. I researched poly, brought it up to Ink, and was honest with him about my feelings for Fox. Ink agrees with all the same poly principles and theories that I do, but he's not sure if he's poly or mono. We've had some stumbles and it's definitely been a lot of work, but he says he wants to still be with me and I with him, so we're embarking on this journey together and I believe we have (and are continuing to strengthen) a strong foundation (and our communication and self-discovery has improved SO MUCH through all of this!)

Fox and I have been communicating more and more regularly, and our friendship is naturally evolving. However, he lives in another state (mine and Ink's hometown--so Ink and I go back for some holidays and random friend/family visits, but it's a 2 day drive and a pricey flight away), and as such in the past we've only seen each other a couple times a year. That's gradually starting to increase, but it is usually me + Ink + Fox + metamour (Fox's GF). I've been back to visit once by myself and it was hard on Ink--although this was back in the beginning, maybe 6 months ago, and it was still me + Fox + metamour (Fox's GF), no alone time for me + Fox.

And this brings me to my dilemma: I have plans (flights booked) to go back to my hometown to see friends (not just Fox) in March, by myself, without Ink. Ink and I discuss it regularly to keep on the same page and talk about any new feelings that come up in preparation for my trip. It's been planned for over a year, before the poly journey even started. I will mostly be hanging out at a nerdy convention with Fox, his GF--my metamour, and other mutual friends. Which will be fun and awesome, but little/no alone time for me + Fox just because of the nature of the trip/convention.

Meanwhile, a couple weeks ago, Fox invited me to vacation with him (he's going on several trips within the next year and welcomed me to pick whichever one I would like to go on with him). I discussed it with Ink, and made it clear that travel is a love of mine and I have several wants/needs to do it A) by myeslf sometimes, B) with family (my mom and I take mother/daughter trips somewhat often), C) with him (Ink), and D) with friends/other partners (at the moment, Fox). I see travel and adventure as a need of mine (when financially able), and all of those (A, B, C, and D) as separate wants/needs altogether. Doing one does not satisfy the other--taking a trip with my mom does not make me want to take a trip with Ink any less.
Ink has said he is still in the process of working on his feelings, emotions and thoughts regarding me being with Fox (just in general as well as me + Fox being alone together, me + Fox traveling together, etc), and has said that my trip in March will be a good stepping stone/baby step. However, the trip that it would be cheapest for me to go on--and the place I most want to go to--with Fox is in February, to a location near where I currently live (cheap flights and less travel time for me). I have told Ink that I do and will want to travel with Fox in the future. He has said he understands that. I have not specifically said that I want to or requested to go on this trip with Fox in February yet, but Ink does know that I've been invited to join in any of a number of trips within the year. I would like to tell Ink that I want to go on this trip in February, but here are the complications:

One: This is hard to explain, but Ink is currently working every extra hour that he's not at his day job on a kind of job application (project-based application, typical for his industry) for a new job in a different state (his current job has crummy, crummy management)--so he's stressed, and also just plain doesn't have spare time or energy at the moment to engage in that kind of convo with me right now, and I do not want to stress him out more, as this new job would be great for him and also for the both of us, and also for me + Fox (new job would be closer to our hometown, where Fox lives currently--he also visits the state where the new job is once a month-ish). Ink will be done with this new-job-working-process-thingy in two-ish weeks, then will hopefully find out if he gets an interview/gets the job within a month-ish I'd hope.

Two: Ink and I share finances, but he makes considerably more than I do, and right now we lump everything together--I do not currently have my own designated spending money. We both decided individually, and then talked about, the fact that my own separate spending money is something I need--especially to do poly. Ink doesn't want--and I don't want him to--to feel bad from the thought that I am using 'his' or 'our' money for dates/trips/what have you with other partners (also currently I think I'm at my polysaturation level on my own end and do not intend to look for any other partners, in case that's relevant at all). So while we do intend to sort things out financially, it's not really feasible until Ink is done with his two-week-job-stressful-applying-thingy. So I'm not sure if I will end up having some starting money for spending, or if I still start saving from my most recent pay after we set things up. Therefore, I'm not even positive I could afford the trip in February, but if I could, I would want to go, so long as it didn't cause Ink a huge amount of stress if he's not ready for that yet.

So...
I do not want to push/pressure Ink. I do want to stay with him, and I respect him, so I don't want to be all selfish and NRE-y and tell him to just deal while I go off on a trip with Fox, sooner than what Ink feels prepared for.
But, when a chance to see Fox comes up, it is sooooo hard for me to want to say no, since the distance makes those opportunities few and far between--I also have not yet had the chance to be one-on-one with Fox, and that is something I very much want. I also have read over and over in my research on poly over the past year, that the most growth comes when you step outside of your comfort zone. Ink is definitely not trying to out-of-sight-out-of-mind things intentionally, but I don't know if a one-on-one February trip with just me and Fox would truly be too much too soon, or if it would be good in the long run for me to say it's something I really want and fight for a bit, and see if Ink is willing to work with me on it--even if it would cause him to have to speed up his dealing with the idea, and thereby possibly cause unnecessary stress for him.
I would also feel somewhat guilty asking for/receiving an amount of 'startup' spending/savings money for myself, and then using most/all of it to immediately go off on a trip with Fox--but that is something I probably need to work on within myself, re: self-worth. :rolleyes:

Has anybody been through any kind of similar situation? Even if not, any thoughts as to how not to be selfish, if I AM being selfish, if I should ask for more, etc? Should I just let this trip go, not bring it up, and be happy with what I'm already getting, and go as slow as Ink needs me to and plan for something with Fox more in the future (another trip I would like to go on with him is in June, but could be a lot more expensive so I may not be able to afford that one either way--but I'm sure there will be more chances in the future, it's just this current one sounds soooooo good right now, lol)? Should I bring it up ASAP, or wait til he's done with his stressy-job-stuff and after the holidays (which could make the trip cost go up the longer I wait, if it does indeed end up happening)? Should I wait until my trip in March, see how it goes and how Ink handles it, work on any issues that come up from that, and then try to plan something with Fox for the future?

Sorry for writing a novel, and thanks again for all who took the time to read, and thank you in advance for replies! :eek:
-Mouse
 
Last edited:
I am sorry you struggle. I think you could self-reassure right now. You sound like you are stressing your own self out to me.

Would putting off the trip enable you to finish all your "poly set up" stuff like opening your own spending account? To me it sounds like yes. You don't even know if you have the money to spend on a Feb trip yet. So hold your horses.

Fox travels a lot. There will be other trips, and you even have a March visit at home planned already. I would say you could get all your "set up" completed calmly, focus on the March trip. Finish what's on your plate already before going for more helpings.

Guard against rushing just to squish in an extra Feb trip.

Look at the invitation:

Meanwhile, a couple weeks ago, Fox invited me to vacation with him (he's going on several trips within the next year and welcomed me to pick whichever one I would like to go on with him).

It isn't like you have to pick first one up! Spread it out some. You don't want to stress Ink. What about you? Here you are sounding like you are stressing yourself out. Fox isn't going anywhere. You will be ok.

In fact, I think you answer yourself quite well in your last paragraph.

Should I wait until my trip in March, see how it goes and how Ink handles it, work on any issues that come up from that, and then try to plan something with Fox for the future?

That sounds sensible to me. One thing at a time here. Where's the fire? So YES. You could wait till your trip in March, see how that flies, and then plan the next trip at THAT point in time so you can better see what funds you have to hand then.

GL!
Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Money is fungible, so I'd say forget that for now and just pay it back later or whatever you have to do. As for an opportunity for Ink to process some poly stuff, the sooner the better it sounds like. And yes, in my experience its the hardest things I learned the most from. I think going on this trip with Fox would stress Ink out even if it happened two years from now, so don't wait. And to be honest its understandable he is stressed. He's the boring husband and you're going off to have a magical time w the new boy toy. Right? These are fears everyone has. He's afraid of losing you and that's okay. Just showing some empathy for that might ease the tension, if you haven't already done that. It's okay for him to feel that way, but it certainly shouldn't stop you.
 
Hi Mouse,

Nice to meet you!

You raise a good topic! Firstly, I think that many of us have faced dilemmas like this, and it can be difficult to know whether to settle for your lot or start a 'simple' dialogue about whether or not our partner would be cool with us going ahead with a little something extra!

In my experience, however, it's not as simple as that :) Every time I've asked for something knowing deep down that it's stretching a boundary a bit, I've gone into it thinking that my girlfriend would be totally fine about me just asking. I've always expected that if she's not ok, she'll say so, and if she's fine about it, I'll be happy I'd asked. I'm wrong every damn time! My girlfriend trusts me to think about team GF + Sparklepop when making decisions, and me pushing for extra when she's struggling with something reflects me only think about team Sparklepop.

When we go against that inner voice that says "hey, not really being compassionate here", we can make life pretty difficult for our partner(s). It's the equivalent of giving our loved one 20 bricks to carry, seeing that they struggle, and then asking if we can whack another 10 bricks on top of that. If we're being sensitive, we'll see that it's not a good time, and we won't ask to add bricks. If we're being really compassionate, we'd offer to take 10 bricks off them if we can.

While I absolutely believe in radical honesty and both partners taking responsibility for communicating their own needs, feelings, and boundaries, I also believe in the importance of learning to be intuitive and sensitive to those around us. For instance, if my GF's having a stressful day with our child, I'm unlikely to ask if she'd mind looking after our child tomorrow night while I go out with my friends. I'd either ask later, or join my friends another time. If I'm being really compassionate, I'd offer to draw her a bath and take our daughter out the following night instead, to give her a break. Do you see what I mean?

In your case, you already recognise that Ink is carrying 20 bricks dealing with your impending visit to Fox and opening up to poly. Asking for the Feb trip is going to add another 10 bricks. Settling for what you have and waiting for Ink to carry his 20 bricks would be the most sensitive option. Seeing that Ink is carrying a heavy load and investing more time in *him* while he's carrying all of this would be the extra compassionate option. Turn your focus to the lovely dude carrying all of the bricks :) What can you do to help him during his stressful time with his application? What can you do to make him feel *extra* special between now and March, while he's carrying all of these bricks?

Being sensitive and compassionate doesn't have to mean that you're enabling Ink to stay in his comfort zone. You don't have to cancel your March plans with Fox and take *all* 20 bricks away. Just reconsider your temptation to add more.

If it helps, yes - I've been in this situation a few times! My GF and I have both been invited on trips with various partners over the years. We've wanted to go to all of them, but the timing of the invitations has never been right, and our respective comfort levels haven't gotten us there yet. I've also definitely been in situations where I've stretched the boundaries because I've wanted something, and my girlfriend definitely has too. It caused a lot of trouble between us.

I disagree with lili on this topic. In my experience, some things can be hard no matter when they happen, but watching my partner in self-focused, eat-everything-I-can-grab mode shakes my faith in her as a partner. Actually, my GF was once in a similar situation to you. She had a year-long crush on someone, and he moved out of State temporarily. Her NRE with him was incredibly difficult for myself and GF's hubby to deal with. She then expressed, in all her NRE-laden glory, that she wanted to fly out to see him for the weekend. It wasn't the right time - it stretched the boundaries too far. Cut to today? GF's NRE boy lives an hour away, they're in a serious relationship... and not taking that trip didn't affect the outcome of that whatsoever! It would have, however, seriously affected our relationship if she'd have gone at that time.

Another thing that has helped my girlfriend and I is to introduce a numbers system to help us get a clear picture of how the other was feeling about a certain poly scenario:

0 - no stress, totally cool with things
1 - very minor stress, can deal alone
2 - uncomfortable, take care
3 - stressed, stop and have a conversation
4 - very stressed, really hard to deal with
5 - relationship deal-breakers

This really helped us a great deal, not only because we were able to truly identify each other's emotional state, but also because it's a handy way of noticing red flags and taking pause.

For instance, if I asked my GF "How do you feel about me seeing my new partner every week?" and she said "1-2", I might ask "Great! How might you feel about me having an overnight with her soon?" My GF might then say "Right now, it's a 4 for me. Can you ask me again in 3 months?" However, if I'd asked my GF how she felt about me seeing my new partner once a week and she'd answered "4", it would definitely NOT have been the time to ask about overnights. It would also be a good time to figure out why my GF is so stressed, whether I've been neglecting her, and what we can do to bring that number down to something more manageable.

One final point I'd like to leave you with:
I also have read over and over in my research on poly over the past year, that the most growth comes when you step outside of your comfort zone.

~grins~

Well... isn't Ink is already out of his comfort zone? There's a difference between stepping out of your comfort zone and pushing yourself too far, too soon. The latter option can be really damaging, and it's not something I'd advise. In my experience, the slower something moves, the less threatened the existing partner feels, and the easier poly is to deal with. This can be frustrating for the NRE-driven person, and it's certainly not a reason to move so slow that your chances with someone else are completely ruined, but moving as slowly as *possible* is always the best option in my experience. :)

In short, I'd invest extra love and attention into team Mouse + Ink. Help him to feel secure in your relationship. Go on the trip in March, then work on saving your own spending money or getting a second job to fund your need for travel. There will be future opportunities to travel with Fox.
 
Last edited:
Back
Top