Boyfriend having doubts

Norwegianpoly

New member
I wrote a little while ago about my boyfriend of two years seeming to have a depressive reaction. About the same time as his boss started to act like an ass. Also, lots of negative things happened to us this year: a close friend cheated us out of money, many of his colleagues were sacked, our cat died suddenly, he took up a big loan to pay money to not go to military. He is also getting older and his job is physically draining. He has been distant and complaining that he is "not himself".Since we are long distance, his distance on and off visits.

Finally we had a real talk. Many feelings came up. He says he is tired of me partly supporting, saying it should be 50/50. I agree, but that is not up to me - my country is richer, his job as a waiter is not wellpayed and so I make more money than him. He is unsure about poly, even if he has met and likes my husband. He is unsure about the relationship.

This is the same man who proposed to me early on, has introduced me to all his friends and family early on, is always eager to have sex with me, shares hobbies with me and so on. A boat trip we had was his best experience in years. He used to have wonderful compliments for me. We have a cat together. We share a flat where I am about one week a month.

He does say he wants to continue to meet me. My next trip to him is within a month. He says he got extremely upset when I said I lacked some things in the relationship, which I don't understand. Perhaps I worded it in a way that triggered and upset him? I want to help him, but not knowing if we have a future is very hard on me.

Our immidiate plan is to get him a work visa to my country. Possably visit his family. We agreed to not talk about the future, but focus on practical things. I see that this is wise, but at the same time, I feel like he is saying I am on probation. It hurts so much.

Does anyone have suggestion for what I can do?
 
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I think we all tend to question things when we are on the brink of making major changes in our life. He is about to leave his country and his former life behind to be with you. I'm sure the depression isn't helping. When things went south with Elle I fell into a major depression. I finally pulled myself out of it, but during that time I found myself questioning everything, especially my two LDRs. I pretty much had to go through my depression alone. It was killing me that I wasn't having any physical contact with two of the people I cared about the most.

All I can tell you is give him as much support as he needs. Hopefully things will be better once he makes the move.
 
Thank you. You are probably right. It is reassuring to hear it might be transition panic.

I have been trying to see it from his side, but it is easy to forget that he has only spent 30 days in my country. I would probably feel ok moving to his country (exept from the pay rate), but I have been here several times and I am taking weekly classes in his language. He only knows a little bit of my language and there are many things about my country he doesn't quite understand.
 
Maybe he isn't sure if poly can truly work for him. He might be feeling like this is a relationship that can only go so far, but not far enough because you're already married. He certainly doesn't sound happy with his situation, yet maybe he is afraid to make changes that have no guarantee.
 
I think that you are doing all you can do. You're there for him to talk to, you will go and visit your boyfriend.

Whether he is having last minute jitters about moving and will get over them or deeper doubts about continuing in a poly relationship, is stuff he needs to sort out.

If I remember rightly, your boyfriend has never loved anybody before he met you. It could even be that you have done him an enormous favour and helped him realise his own capacity for love. Maybe he feels not that he'd like to be married himself and that he has the capacity to find somebody to marry. That would suck for you and for him as a couple for sure but might well be wonderful for your boyfriend.

All you can do is provide love and support while he does that - which you are already doing.

Are looking after yourself during this period of time? Getting enough sleep, plenty of exercise, good food and some quality time with your husband and your friends? I think that those are things you can concentrate on while things are uncertain with your boyfriend.

IP
 
Maybe he isn't sure if poly can truly work for him. He might be feeling like this is a relationship that can only go so far, but not far enough because you're already married. He certainly doesn't sound happy with his situation, yet maybe he is afraid to make changes that have no guarantee.
Of course it can be deeper doubts. But it sounded like that to him, the money thing was perhaps even more challenging than the poly thing. And those are the exact same challenges that people in international mono relationships have. The only way to change that is for one of us to move.

My husband and İ have discussed the possability of legally dissolving our marriage so that I can marry my boyfriend, but only as the last possable solution. And then we would still be together, so I am not sure it would even be helpful. We have also discussed moving our family to his country, but then we would be two people needing jobs.

Neighter of us are happy with the situation as it is. Something has to change.
 
I think that you are doing all you can do. You're there for him to talk to, you will go and visit your boyfriend.

Whether he is having last minute jitters about moving and will get over them or deeper doubts about continuing in a poly relationship, is stuff he needs to sort out.

If I remember rightly, your boyfriend has never loved anybody before he met you. It could even be that you have done him an enormous favour and helped him realise his own capacity for love. Maybe he feels not that he'd like to be married himself and that he has the capacity to find somebody to marry. That would suck for you and for him as a couple for sure but might well be wonderful for your boyfriend.

All you can do is provide love and support while he does that - which you are already doing.

Are looking after yourself during this period of time? Getting enough sleep, plenty of exercise, good food and some quality time with your husband and your friends? I think that those are things you can concentrate on while things are uncertain with your boyfriend.

IP
I will not go into detail, but there are some special qualities to our relationship. I very much doubt he would find it with someone else. I am not afraid he will meet some girl who is better suited. I am more worried he will just settle for a random woman to marry just to please his family.

I do many things to take care of myself. But I sometimes get the feeling like I have permanent heart ace. I feel very let down, like a downgrade in our relationship. I am certainly not prepared to go on with this uncertainty for a long period of time.

What I don't get, is if he is truly considering to end things ,why was he so upset when I said I was dissatisfied? You would think he would welcome the uppertunity to call it quits, but instead he said İ broke his heart. They were not mean things, just letting him know I was tired and confused with the situation.
 
I really feel for you. I think that you are doing everything that you can do to help your boyfriend and be clear to him how important he is and how much you are willing to change to help him.

There is nothing you can do about the potential for him deciding to marry somebody else to appease his family.

It's good to hear that you are caring for yourself. The situation does sound stressful and if I were you, I would think hard about how long I was willing to remain in it and also how sad I was willing to feel. Use those reflections to help make a decision about the possibility of ending things yourself.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you that it is just last minute jitters about moving and that things work out for all of you in the end.

IP
 
All of a sudden boyfriend is very ancous to come to my country, asking every day if I know more about the work visa. Even since I left and went home after my journey ended, I have been rather cold. He has initiating all the texts, he is sending lots of kissing hearts and so on. He has even flooded my husband's phone with texts. I informed him that I don't plan on buying any new tickets this year (I will see him in November as ticket are already payed for). I get a sense that he is worried about loosing me. But that may not be enough. I am thinking of this in a make or break way; I will have one ne week visit to him, he will come to my country for a longer visit (weather or not he will work) over New Years, and what we learn during this time will determine our long term plans.
 
Update:

I was nagging on my boyfriend to please to home to visit his family, as I thought he needed a vacation. It turns out that he got an offer to go work in another place (his regular place does not need more people/he is sick of working there, I don't know which one applies the most). So he had one day off.

Ever since he stopped working in the old place, he has changed even more. I am starting to see my "old" boyfriend. He is less self-absorbed, more curious, his laughter sounds more sincere. He is still very tired, but he has lost the "far away" look.

We had some practical discussions. He told me he has very little money (which is why he has taken in his friend as a lodger, I guess). He has this military loan that har turned out to be expensive for him. He also has trouble in his job with being late (they are not that strickt on time I think, but it doesn't help). I will continue to help him get the job in my country that we talked about, but that is going to take some time (just the waiting time to get a work permit is at least 4 months). So he is going to continue in the job he has, or get his friends to get him another job in a nearby larger town. I am going to help him by calling him every morning when I wake up (I might also bring a quality alarm clock for him when I come to visit).

I am still very hurt that he had these doubts. But generally our relationship seems to be improving. He is sharing more of himself, his feelings. He listens to me when I talk about something. He reacts very positively when I go out to do something and then share it with him. Since he started the new job, he has not mentioned any dark thoughts or thoughts about him not being himself. We talk about how things are slow for us now but it feels like we are working on it together. He is also very sweet to my husband, for instance he wants to help him buy the watch he needs. So also as a family it seems we are moving in the right direction.
 
Hi Norwegianpoly,
Thanks for your update, and I am glad things are improving a little.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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