I am referring to a rift between myself and my wife. All three of us want this to work.
Then work that show how it needs to be worked so it is HEALTHY for ALL.
We both make her happy and I don't want to see her suffer at all.
Why are you fearful to see wife struggle?
Emotional weather is just weather. Some are from the more fun collection (excited, happy, joyous) and some the not so fun collection (mad, sad, scared). Sunny days or stormy skies -- They all pass in time and new ones come along.
before I knew there was an affair...I would express a lot to him about the disconnect between myself and my wife not knowing the whole story. He would begin to pull away from her...she would find out I was opening up to him and it would cause major issues.
Let me repeat that back to you so you hear how it sounds to me, a stranger looking in:
- Your wife and your friend begin a cheating affair.
- You notice a difference in wife's behavior. A disconnect. You don't know what is wrong.
- You express your worries to your friend. Seeking comfort, reassurance, feedback or all 3.
- He feels guilty about his cheating behavior. He's less willing to keep ON cheating behind your back. To assuage his guilt, he tries to pull back on the cheating behaviors.
- Your wife gets mad he's becoming less willing to cheat behind your back. She wants him to continue.
- Your wife blames you for "wrecking it" for her.
Instead of suggesting something she can do in her OWN behavior to alleviate his guilt (ex: I see you struggling with guilt. We could stop cheating. We could come clean and ask for forgiveness)... she goes off on YOU for your behavior?
Which was seeking comfort and feedback from a trusted friend when you have a problem? (you didn't know he was the affair guy at the time, at the time he was a friend you trusted.)
Where are you doing something wrong in that picture?
He did something wrong, and in pulling back he's trying to start to come correct or at least not dig the hole deeper. How is that bad?
I think your wife could examine her own behaviors there. Not cool.
So...with everything being out in the open..I'm afraid to damage the progress we have made together (between my wife and I fixing our marriage). We are slowly progressing...I feel like I'm the one holding things back.
So she wants to have a healthy V? Repair breaking trust in her marriage? And her idea for HOW to do it is...
- You do not express anything yucky, you are supposed to keep it hidden. Sweep it under the rug.
- If you do that, she rewards you by not pitching a fit at you?
- If you do express, she pitches a fit and makes you scared to express anything else next time?
That's weird, dude. And not effective in repairing all the layers of relationship. A Poly V is only going to be as healthy as all the mini relationships within it.
To me if she had an affair with a friend, and wants to continue with you in
right relationship?
Wife job with you is
- She apologizes
- She asks for forgiveness
- She promises not to cheat again
- She asks what behaviors she can do to make amends and regain your trust.
- If they are rational and reasonable, she agrees and knocks out the items on the list.
- If irrational or unreasonable, she does not agree. She can counteroffers and if it won't fly, you guys end relationship. Forgive, no amends required, not continuing.
- She resists and declines if the friend suggests new shenanigans behind your back. If she plays on the level now, she plays on the level!
Your job with her is to
- forgive
- decide if you want to continue with her or not
- List what behavior she must do to make amends and regain your trust.
Dude would be on the similar track if he wants to repair his friendship with you after cheating with your wife.
- He apologizes
- He asks for forgiveness
- He promises not to cheat again
- He asks what behaviors he can do to make amends and regain your trust
- If they are rational and reasonable, he agrees and knocks out the items on the list.
- If irrational or unreasonable, he does not agree. He can counteroffers and if it won't fly, you guys end relationship.Forgive, no amends required, not continuing.
- He resists and declines if wife suggests new shenanigans being your back. If he plays on the level now, he plays on the level!
Let them work their part of the show. You do YOUR job. Your job is to take care of this stuff:
- Forgive. (Always forgive, you don't need to carry grudges you whole life)
- Decide if you even want to continue with these people.
- Decide what it takes for wife to repair marriage relationship with you. You make her aware and if she agrees you wait for her to knock out the list.
- If she does? You lay it to rest and don't bring it up any more
- If she does not? You end it with her because she's not making good.
- Decide what it takes for Dude to repair friendship relationship with you. You make him aware and wait for him to knock out the list.
- If he does? You lay it to rest and don't bring it up any more
- If he does not? You end it with him because he's not making good.
- If you already know you do not want to continue with these people in a V, or don't want to rebuild trust here -- just break up now. Skip making amends. Don't drag it out. Forgive, no amends, move on.
You guys get ON with the show. It stinks you did nothing wrong and got a huge ding. And now in order to rebuild trust you have to make space for them to be able to ding you again...
and show that they do not. Then you can give them some trust. Then you risk again, they do not ding, and you trust some more. Trust gets rebuilt one step at a time. It gets easier OVER time, but the first few steps are scary as hell.
You are raw, vulnerable and the last thing you want to be doing is risk being dinged again.
Maybe that's what you need? Some acknowledgement that your position sucks? Because you did nothing wrong and here you are... the one having to risk again first?
And you'd appreciate some empathy from both without either dumping their guilt load on your head. They could just hold their own emotional baggage instead?
I love her so much!! I'd do anything for her and I want nothing but for her to be happy.
I am sad to hear that you don't place your happiness first. At least 51% first. She can have lots -- even 49%. But you have to look out for your well being first.
The goal is to change from (cheating behind your back) to a (healthy poly V) right? Not to change (cheating behind your back) to (cheating in front of your face while you agree to say nothing)?
Being selfless and being willing to subsume yourself to relationships is not attractive nor is it healthy.
Seek a counselor because YOU need one right now. You can invite wife and BF to come too, but YOU need to attend to YOUR well being.
Galagirl