An American Abroad - still Poly, was pregnant

labelnone

New member
This is my first post, so forgive my ignorance. I have been browsing the forums for a few years, since my husband and I openend our marriage, but I think we still have a long way to go in understanding what it means to us.

My husband is from Europe, and lived with me in my home in the US for 8 years. We married fairly quickly to start the paperwork, and a year after that had an oops pregnancy that we were still very happy about, if surprised. Around 2 years later, my husband and I opened our marriage to another woman we had a joint relationship with for about a half a year, but there wasnt a lot of open talking, and when feelings got too conveluded, it broke off pretty dramatically. I will say that we are still great friends (now). About a year later, my brother committed suicide, and I think partially to combat a deep depression, I fell hard for a coworker, and trusted myself to have the difficult conversation about my intense feelings for him to my husband. He was supportive of the relationship, and I really enjoyed the dynamic of having a single, childless boyfriend I could see once or twice a week and "shut off" the part of myself that had to identify with a frumpy mom, roomate, etc.

Fast forward to now. We moved two years ago to my husbands home country and have another child. The decision to move was shortly after his birth. If we hadnt moved, chances are, I would still be dating the second, and I resented sometimes the feeling that I didnt have a "choice" in breaking it off because this distance was way too long distance to make it work. At least that is what I tell myself. Since I have been here, I have fought some more serious depression and it took a looooong long time to acclimate to the new country, culture, etc. I have been very lucky in the new people and friends I have been able to meet and make, but I realized I was still looking to fill that hole left, craving a lover. I kept in constant communication to my husband about this and my feeling that my "polyamory" was here to stay, and wanting to explore what it meant to us and how we viewed it.

To me, sex is usually an expression of love and found within a loving relationship. To my husband, he would be interested in sex for sex outside of the marriage, more like one night stands, though this hasnt happened since moving here. We have been busy and seriously have neglected our own relationship now to the point of resentment and talk of couples therapy, polyamory aside.

This summer I met and got aquainted with one of our neighbors and felt those old feelings creeping back up and blooming again, I had a serious crush starting, and I was very up front with my husband about it. I felt like I was in the closet in some way, and feeling really torn about whether or not this was relevant information to tell new friends and when. I had a few realizations - that one can find intimacy without sex, and also that romantic situations can and do happen, whether the romance is there or not. What was confusing was knowing that I wanted them to happen with this man...but as far as he was concerned, I was married with kids and off limits. I enjoyed building trust and intimacy during talks and shared interests, without the complication of sex. I then asked my husband if we could tell him about our open marriage, and he said yes. I wrote it to him in a letter in a kind of casual way, not really to say "I want you"; but "I want you to know this about me and my worldview." Not a few days later I found myself locked in a passionate kiss and it progressed very, very rapidly from there. I was like a caged tiger that had been set free and could barely stop myself from this intimacy. In my mind it was fine, but although the spoken agreement between me and my husband was "tell me where you are and use a condom" in this particular relationship the last word had been my husband saying he thought it was wierd that we lived in the same building and wouldnt be comfortable with sex happening. Later he went on to say that is not because of us getting found out in any way, but just a personal feeling. He wondered if I was trying to "prove a point"; about open marriages by persuing polyamory so hard and also if I wasnt trying to replace my former lover. Both have truth to it, but to my credit, I really have deep feelings for this new man and in my shame and guilt, tend to forget that.

The first time we had sex the condom broke. Due to a horrible experience with birth control after my second child, I wasnt on anything. I took the morning after pill and a few weeks later, realized it had failed, and I was pregnant. About two weeks after taking the morning after pill, I got the nerve to explain the situation to my husband. He was livid, saying that he had clearly stated that sex was not ok at this point, and found us to be completely irresponsible, etc. We had a good week of awful feelings between us, but after he had a few days to himself, he said he loved me, always would, and would be supportive and we would get through this. The abortion was chemical and happened a week ago. I am still trying to process my feelings about it, but found myself in another conversation to support my relationship, although Ive been asked to cool it for awhile. Not seeing the other man, but having sex. We are at an impasse. I dont like being asked to squash my natural feelings and need for sex and intimacy. I told my husband it has some to do with our not spending time together, but is also seperate. "This is me," I told him. "This isnt going to go away."

Help, advice. A few questions...

Has anyone else dealt with a situation in which they were "forced" to end it with a secondary partner because of relocation? How much did you feel you were obliged to share with the former second about new partners? I havent told my former second anything about this, really, and I justify it by telling myself that it is my primary parner I must answer to. Also, I admittedly went against my primary partners wishes, and trust was broken. How do we rebuild it? It seems an extreme situation to say "Oops, I accidentally got pregant from another man," but unlike my mother, it was not an affair and I did not have the baby and try to pass it off as my husbands. Ha. Or other things. I want more kids, and I learned the hard way a few things by this experience... polyamory means birth control, because I definitely want to decide if and when I want more children, and I would like them to be my husbands. Two - having to have an abortion after having two babies was awful emotionally, but because I have no one to talk to about these feelings, it is like I am telling myself it didnt happen and am not processing it. My husband said this just yesterday and that was my response. We were passing off the story to others (doctors) that WE had the oops, and didnt want any more kids. Spiral is happening.

The heart wants what it wants. This man still wants a relationship and so do I. I am having a hard time being honest with him about my husbands feelings because up until this point everything was OK. My "lover" does ask frequently about my husband and his feelings, and this type of relationship is new for him, too. I want, wish that my husband could trust my relationship choices and trust our relationship and focus on the time we have together. I wish he could better explain his feelings to me and I wish I didnt feel torn between what I want and what I thought we had always been working towards (open marriage, other relationships that are sexual,) and what he is asking - for me to shut off my sexuality because suddenly he sees it as a threat to our own relationship, which I dont see.

Any imput is much appreciated.
 
You say you're now living in your husband's home country, which means there might be a different cultural attitude toward things like polyamory. But going with advice I would usually give...

First, rebuilding trust is going to take time, and possibly marriage counseling if that's an option for you and your husband. There's no other way to deal with a betrayal of trust than to keep working *together* to get past it.

Second, it's pretty obvious to me why your husband sees your sexuality as a threat to the marriage: You got pregnant by another man while doing something your husband had specifically asked you not to do. You've seriously dented his trust in you, and as long as you're having relationships with other men, he is not going to be able to fully trust--at least not so soon--that you won't repeat the same pattern and problems.

Third, why don't you have anyone you can talk to about the abortion? You have no friends or family there? Why are you and your husband lying to medical professionals about the fathering of the baby? Again, I don't know the culture where you are, but even if a medical professional has a *personal* bias against poly (or cheating, or whatever), they are, I believe, required to be objective and nonjudgmental in speaking *to the patient*. Not that they always are, but they should be...

Fourth, you have suffered a serious loss, in addition to the damage done to your marriage. I am assuming that mental health services are a thing that exist where you live. Access them. In my opinion, you receiving individual counseling, even if your husband isn't willing to go to marriage counseling, is imperative if you yourself are to recover from this experience and the loss of the baby.

And again... BE HONEST with the medical/mental health professionals. I know people can be assholes, but seriously, I cannot see the logic in pretending that you didn't have sex wiht someone else and become pregnant by him--especially when that pretense is preventing you from receiving mental health care and possibly medical care that you need. If the doctor judges you, fuck him/her. Their opinion doesn't matter; the medical and mental health care do.
 
Hi labelnone,

It seems to me that you and your husband are on diverging paths. He no longer wants the same kind of open relationship you want. He no longer supports you in having another lover. You'll have to decide what to do about this. If you are going to stay married, you'll have to do so monogamously.

Trust is regained by repeated trustworthy actions. You have to show your husband that he can trust you. I agree with KC43, you cannot have any outside boyfriends at this time. You'll have to break up with the man you've been seeing.

I feel bad that I can't suggest an easier way through this, but going by your narrative, there is no easier way. Yes, divorce is an option, but one I think you do not want to take.

I hope your situation improves.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Oh wow, what a nightmare! What a series of unfortunate events!

I can relate to the culture shock you must be feeling, moving from one country to another. It's hard to make friends, good friends. You feel isolated and lonely.

So you click with a neighbor. You're poly, he's OK with it. You go for sex and get pregnant on the first date! Yikes. That is so horrible! What a stroke of bad luck!

I didn't read where your h was totally against you continuing to be polyamorous, and having lovers. You had one before, why not now?

You can tell your ex bf (your "second") about this if you feel he'd be a good support. If you think he'd just be jealous and make you more miserable, there's probably no use in telling him.

If you want to keep seeing this new guy, you and your h need to go to some counseling. I feel you are both kind of confused, to say the least, about what your needs are, and where your boundaries lie. And he just wants some casual sex, maybe, with others, whereas you want a full on romantic relationship. Neither desire is bad! Many poly couples have different sexual/romantic needs. They work it out. You can too.

Finally, I am sorry for your loss. I agree there is no reason to lie about who fathered the baby. Doctors have seen it all. You're not the first person to get pregnant by another man. Poly is nothing to be ashamed of. I feel bad for your lover too. He has also had a loss. Or two losses.

So now you've had 2 accidental pregnancies. You are very fertile. If hormonal bc doesn't work for you, maybe another form of bc, like an IUD, is in order?
 
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