Help!!

PetuniaP

New member
I met my husband over 5 years ago. When we met he had a wife and a girlfriend and they all lived together. He stated he was "poly" and I am not. When we started dating, I told him that I would not tolerate that lifestyle as it was not for me. He told me that he could be monogamous. We have been married for almost 5 years. He was monogamous for almost 4 years. During this time I started noticing many different changes in his behavior. He cheated on me with several women and when he was confronted he said that he was not sorry that he did what he did, but he was sorry that he hurt me as he loves me. I asked why he cheated on me an he claims that he is "poly" and that will never change. He was recently diagnosed bipolar with hyper sexuality. He has started taking medication for his illness. He claims that the medication will not change his being "poly". Since then he has started another relationship with a woman he met on a trip. He has told me that he is not attracted to her and they are just friends. He has "offered" to be her crash test dummy and allow her to figure out what she likes (apparently she's a virgin) and what pleases men. To me this doesn't sound like being "poly" as it sounds like he is a hooker / prostitute. He says that a "poly" relationship is where there is a primary couple and secondary relationships. Can someone help me understand his behavior.
 
Hi PetuniaP,

Sorry you are having troubles with your husband, it looks like he pulled a bait-and-switch on you (telling you he could be monogamous, then telling you he will always be polyamorous). He sounds rather impulsive, and that's my guess as to why he's acted this way. I wonder whatever happened to his previous wife and girlfriend from five years ago.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
Is he being "poly" if he is acting as a "crash test dummy" for a woman where there is no emotion? I was under the impression that a "poly relationship" is more emotion based otherwise its just cheating or being a hooker / prostitute.
 
He calls himself poly; we can't stop him from doing that. We can say he is nonmonogamous, but because he is acting without your consent, he is basically cheating. And in any case, if he is not in love with this new woman, then he is not having a polyamorous relationship -- which would be true even if you did consent. But do we even know he's not in love with her? Maybe he's telling you he's not because he thinks that's what you want to hear.

What I've been told is that it's possible for a polyamorous person to do things that aren't polyamorous. Such as swinging, or cheating. So maybe your husband is polyamorous at heart, but he is not practicing true polyamory at this time. Maybe he will later. In the meantime, you have to decide whether you want to stay with him under these circumstances. That's a tight spot to be in.
 
Is he being "poly" if he is acting as a "crash test dummy" for a woman where there is no emotion? I was under the impression that a "poly relationship" is more emotion based otherwise its just cheating or being a hooker / prostitute.

Poly has many different configurations, including some casual sex hook ups. Not everyone has strong emotions right from the start. However, based on what you have said, there is enough trust between the two for them to experiment. So I'm not sure I would call it emotion free.

I'm a bit offended at the hooker/prostitute label - your pissed and angry, he's being a shit to you, that doesn't mean he is sleeping with people for money (which is the definition of prostitute).

As for what he's doing now and how he's treating you - he is still cheating, as you haven't consented to accepting him as poly yet. It sounds to me like he tried to be monogamous, but found that it's impossible for him. He handled this revelation horribly. Yes he should have come to your first and been ready to end your relationship if you weren't willing to work with him on this. Being Poly usually means dating others, sometimes there are strong emotions, but not always (you don't get to decide if there is an adequate amount of emotion between them).

I would suggest marriage counseling with a poly friendly counselor if you want to make this work. Look around this site, there are some good books, sources of information and general definitions, etc n the Golden Nuggets thread and elsewhere. I would also familiarize yourself with bipolar disorders.
 
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I met my husband over 5 years ago. When we met he had a wife and a girlfriend and they all lived together. He stated he was "poly" and I am not. When we started dating, I told him that I would not tolerate that lifestyle as it was not for me. He told me that he could be monogamous. We have been married for almost 5 years. He was monogamous for almost 4 years. During this time I started noticing many different changes in his behavior. He cheated on me with several women and when he was confronted he said that he was not sorry that he did what he did, but he was sorry that he hurt me as he loves me. I asked why he cheated on me an he claims that he is "poly" and that will never change. He was recently diagnosed bipolar with hyper sexuality. He has started taking medication for his illness. He claims that the medication will not change his being "poly". Since then he has started another relationship with a woman he met on a trip. He has told me that he is not attracted to her and they are just friends. He has "offered" to be her crash test dummy and allow her to figure out what she likes (apparently she's a virgin) and what pleases men. To me this doesn't sound like being "poly" as it sounds like he is a hooker / prostitute. He says that a "poly" relationship is where there is a primary couple and secondary relationships. Can someone help me understand his behavior.

First, am I reading correctly that he left his wife and his girlfriend to be monogamous with you?

Second, it's not poly if you didn't know it was going on and the agreement was that he would be monogamous. That's cheating.

Third, poly is simply having more than one romantic relationship. That might mean a couple is primary and have "secondary" partners, but that is by no means the only or most common form of poly (and the wording wreaks of couple privilege). There are people with more than one primary partner (several of them on this board, like Bluebird, for example). There are single poly people. There are many poly people who do not subscribe to the hierarchical model, so do not assign "primary" or "secondary" to relationships. The permutations are many.

But, regardless, what is happening right now is not a healthy poly relationship. There is dishonesty and a lack of communication that is unhealthy in any relationship, poly or mono, but it's going to make having a poly relationship extra difficult.

What other partners and he do, in terms of specifics, isn't really up to you to define. What is up to you is what kind of relationship shape you want to be involved in. If you do not want to be in a poly relationship (you can, btw, be mono and he be poly, if you don't have an interest in dating), you get to say that. You define your boundaries. That doesn't mean he has to consent to that relationship shape--he is free to decide what relationship shape he wants, as well. You may find you are just incompatible, and paring ways may be best. If you decide to give it a go, though, you guys need to engage in serious counseling, regardless of whether it's a mono or poly relationship.
 
Sounds like a case of both you and he knowing that he was poly when you met, but both (mistakingly) thinking that he could switch to be monogamous with you as soon as you got married. He's been an idiot. He should have spoken up the minute he realised he couldn't remain monogamous, and he should not have cheater. However, I feel like you have been pretty naive (and dare I say, judgemental?) here too. A person doesn't wake up one day and accidentally find themselves with a wife, a girlfriend, and also dating a new squeeze (you) without some effort on their part. In other words, he was showing loudly and clearly signs that he was willing to expend a lot of effort into being poly from day one. Maybe you spoke about it together, and he realised he was NOT happy living his life like that, but it seems more likely that he just fell head over heels for you and wanted to do whatever it took (monogamy) to keep you. It takes more to create an environment where a loved one feels safe to come to us to talk honestly about themselves and their desires. More than simply knowing they have a moral obligation at any rate. The way you talk about his desires, cheapening them and judging them by saying he wants to be a prostitute or a slut, makes me think that perhaps you are not helping to create a safe space for him to be open and honest with you. When the option to be honest is taken away from people, we cannot then heap all the blame on them when they inevitably turn to dishonesty to get what they need.

It sounds very clear that non-monogamy is a total deal-breaker for you (and that is completely understandable, many people feel the same). It also sounds clear that non-monogamy is important to him (also a valid stance, many people also feel the same). Hopefully you can find a way to part from one another with respect and compassion, because this is one of those situations, like wanting or not wanting children, where there are very few compromises if both parties are at opposing ends of the spectrum.
 
I want to clarify, I am not here to bash my husband but to learn about this lifestyle that he has brought into our home. When I met my husband prior to us greeting together I knew that he was married and had a girlfriend just as I was involved with someone at the time. He has told me many times that when he met his ex wife he was not looking to be in a "poly" relationship but a manomagous one and it was her lifestyle that introduced him to the "poly" relationship lifestyle. After they divorced he started dating again (not exclusively any one person) and then we met. After several years of marriage and a lot of changes in his life, being unemployed several times and stuck at home, changes in his medication, my getting sick, him being diagnosed with a mental illness has put a strain on our relationship. When he talks about a "poly" relationship it's that there is one primary couple and then secondary relationships. He has also told me that when the primary relationship is in trouble that all other relationships step aside for the primary couple to work it out. When he cheated on me almost a year ago he said it was not cheating since he was "poly". After reading about the "poly" lifestyle I a learning that you have to be open and communicate with all your partners or it is "cheating". In regards to this new relationship, I do not know the complete dynamics of it, however from what I do know and am told from him, they are just friends. He has offered to be her "crash test dummy" so she can figure out what she likes and learn how to please men. That is why I equated it to a hooker / prostitute relationship as he has told me they are just friends and he doesn't and wouldn't be with her. I have always told him he can be open and honest with me and can tell me anything, rather it has been him not being open which always ends up hurting me. I feel that he is using the term "poly" so that he can be married to me but then can have sexual relationships with other women and say it's ok because he's "poly". I'm trying to learn about this lifestyle or determine if he is just using it as an excuse to cheat on me.
Any advice is greatly appreciated.
 
I am very sorry you deal in this.

To me? Cheating is cheating. It isn't like poly is magically "cheat proof." People can make poly agreements and then cheat on them. Just like people can make mono agreements and then cheat on them.

To me? What makes agreements reliable and trustworthy is the character of the people involved. They have integrity and what they say matches their actions. If they say one thing but do another? I cannot trust them. I cannot trust their word. So I cannot trust their word when they make agreements with me.

Can someone help me understand his behavior.

I think he's basically cheating on you. It's not going to change. It's been happening over and over.

When "talk" and "walk" do not match? I think talk is cheap when not backed up by supporting actions. I'll ignore the talk and the pretty "stories." Instead I will believe the walk. If his actions are (cheating over and over?) I would believe that it will likely happen again.

He cheated on me with several women and when he was confronted he said that he was not sorry that he did what he did, but he was sorry that he hurt me as he loves me.

When he makes agreements he does not keep, and says he's not sorry for cheating? YOU COULD BELIEVE HIM. He is not sorry!

How is any of that behavior demonstrating love and respect toward you? :(

When he says "I love you" does he mean "I love the stuff I can get from you / the stuff you do for me?" Not really loving you as a person so much but loving the services het gets from you? To me there is a difference.

I think it would be more loving to say "I tried the mono thing, and it turns out I cannot do it. I need different agreements I can actually keep or we need to disband respectfully. This arrangement I cannot do any more and I don't want to be a cheater and hurt you."

I asked why he cheated on me an he claims that he is "poly" and that will never change. He was recently diagnosed bipolar with hyper sexuality. He has started taking medication for his illness. He claims that the medication will not change his being "poly".

BELIEVE HIM. Take him at his word. He is not going to stop seeing other women.

He might call it "poly." I would call it cheating/ unethical non-monogamy/ I would not call his way of doing it "ethical poly." But that neither here nor there because in the end?

You said you don't want any part of Open models of any kind. You were very clear about it from the start.

I told him that I would not tolerate that lifestyle as it was not for me.

You don't sound like you are having fun here. So why keep tolerating? :(

Since then he has started another relationship with a woman he met on a trip. He has told me that he is not attracted to her and they are just friends. He has "offered" to be her crash test dummy and allow her to figure out what she likes (apparently she's a virgin) and what pleases men. To me this doesn't sound like being "poly" as it sounds like he is a hooker / prostitute. He says that a "poly" relationship is where there is a primary couple and secondary relationships.

That sounds like another big cheating mess.

At this point? You have not consented to participate in Open the Marriage. He's making unilateral decisions that affect both of you. He's cheating out in the open now and expecting you to lump it. I guess he is banking on you doing the same behavior as before -- he does whatever... you complain some, but keep staying.

When he talks about a "poly" relationship it's that there is one primary couple and then secondary relationships. He has also told me that when the primary relationship is in trouble that all other relationships step aside for the primary couple to work it out.

There are many ways to practice Open Models. Not just "primary-secondary." But the current model you guys agreed to practice together is "Closed Monogamous Marriage."

Which he is failing to practice.

There is trouble in the primary relationship (you + him) and what does he do? Does he follow through on his word and stop everything to work it out? Nope. He starts up with some new woman.

You are not in an Open marriage. Yet he just does whatever he pleases? That sounds disrespectful.

I have always told him he can be open and honest with me and can tell me anything, rather it has been him not being open which always ends up hurting me. I feel that he is using the term "poly" so that he can be married to me but then can have sexual relationships with other women and say it's ok because he's "poly". I'm trying to learn about this lifestyle or determine if he is just using it as an excuse to cheat on me.

I think he is being open and honest: He's basically told you he's going to keep seeing other women and he not sorry about doing it how he's doing it. Now he's even telling you the "crash test dummy" details! What he is NOT being is respectful and loving toward you. He is not treating you how you want to be treated.

Maybe that is what you meant by "open and honest" -- to be respectful and take you into consideration and work something out. Not just be cheating again. But remember that how you mean something and how someone else takes it are two different thing.


FWIF I think you pretty much call it right. To me he sounds like he does cheating behavior, and tries to "whitewash" it with the "poly brush." If he can make it be about you not "understanding how poly works" then it isn't about his behavior of cheating on agreements.

He doesn't seem to have a good grasp on ethical polyamory.

If in his behavior, he is constantly hurting you? You could walk away and get you out of the line of fire so he cannot ding you any more.

Since he's not keeping his word with honoring his agreements? You could honor your word and not tolerate this any more. Again...

I told him that I would not tolerate that lifestyle as it was not for me.

It's not an easy decision, but how many cheating affairs have there been now? Several by the sound of it, and he's not changing his behavior any.

So if you want to be free of all this cheating, you could change your staying-ness behavior. You could walk away.

I am very sorry you deal in this. :(

But you have to deal with it and sort it out. I hope you get yourself out of the line of fire.

Galagirl
 
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I have always told him he can be open and honest with me and can tell me anything, rather it has been him not being open which always ends up hurting me.
As is often the case in relationships, your words say one thing, yet your demeanor and attitude say another. Just about everyone says, "You can be honest with me," but very few people truly want to hear about their partner's desire for others. Most partners who are even thinking about another know that there would be emotional hell to pay if their partner knew, despite all of the promises and assurances that "we will be honest."

I get the sense from you that you're not just data collecting and not just trying to understand the poly mindset. For example, your referring to poly as "poly" indicates that you think your husband is full of sh*t. You're pissed off with him and you're not just trying to understand. That he has feelings for others: you really don't sound as thought you're open to hearing about it. Cheating happens when one partner feels backed into a corner and the choices are either to either hold the fidelity line or face an (either real or imagined) emotional sh*tstorm. Saying that it's OK to be honest means nothing when the vibe in the home is that the spouse finds the thought of additional partners repugnant. My analysis may or may not fit for you, but the bottom line is that this isn't about blame, it's about taking responsibility for your part in the equation. There's a lot of name calling around here and blame assigning but the fact is that cheating very rarely just happens out of the blue.



He stated he was "poly" and I am not. When we started dating, I told him that I would not tolerate that lifestyle as it was not for me. He told me that he could be monogamous.
Are you truly just collecting information about poly and just trying to understand your husband's desire to explore multiple partners? You don't sound to me as though you are at all and in fact feel very much against it, which is certainly understandable, but be honest with yourself about it. I don't quite understand why you two got married, but each of you seems to be contorting yourself into someone that you cannot be.
 
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Having casual sex, or being someone's "crash test dummy" as you phrase it, in NO WAY equates to "a hooker/prostitute relationship." Prostitution is sex for money. A prostitute might not even know the people who are paying them for sex. And there's nothing inherently wrong with that if that's what they want to do.

Is this woman you're talking about paying your husband to fuck her? Is he in a business arrangement with her where he's compensated financially for being her "crash test dummy"? If not, then there is not even the slightest similarity between that and prostitution.

I'm now the second person to state feeling offended at your designation of sex between friends as "a hooker/prostitute relationship." You repeated that designation after one person expressed feeling offended. Are you going to persist in it?

And if they're friends, he has feelings for her. Being a friend to someone involves liking and caring about them. Those are feelings. They might not be *love* per se, but there is no absence of emotion as you imply.

You don't have to like what your husband is doing. You don't have to agree with it. And you don't have to stay in the marriage if you and he can't reach some comfortable place with the situation. But throwing out offensive, negatively judgmental characterizations isn't demonstrating any desire to understand what he's doing, it's demonstrating closed-mindedness and appears to be you wanting people to tell you you're right and he's wrong.

Yeah, I'm probably being harsh. No worries, the mods will call me on it if I am. But I'm calling you on your phrasing; if you genuinely are open to trying to understand what's going on with your husband, I, at least, would be more inclined to believe it if you'd stop clouding the issue with inaccurate terminology and judgmental statements.
 
And if they're friends, he has feelings for her. Being a friend to someone involves liking and caring about them. Those are feelings. They might not be *love* per se, but there is no absence of emotion as you imply.

I rather suspect he is downplaying the emotional connection when describing this relationship to his wife because such intimacy ventures into dicey territory at home. Just my impression.
 
I want to apologize to this website community as a whole as it was never my intention to offend anyone here as I am simply trying to learn about the poly community. Everything I have learned up to this point has been from my husband and frankly he has done a poor job of explaining it to me.

When I referred to the relationship that my husband is currently involved in as a hooker / prostitute relationship I was simply trying to determine if he is just friends with this woman, as he says, and is allowing her to use him to practice or determine what makes her happy or others happy is this part of a poly relationship and is it ok. I can't imagine that in any relationship this behavior is ok without the consent of everyone involved and since I was not consenting I viewed it as a breach in our relationship and if he was going to help this woman in this way then he might as well get paid for his services hence the analogy. I love my husband very much and want to try to understand this lifestyle.

When I first met my husband, strictly as friends, I knew that he was married and had a girlfriend, however that relationship ended long before we started dating. The relationship that he was in directly before ours was one of managomy. The woman he was involved with was extremely jealous and would get angry anytime he talked or looked at another woman. After that relationship ended there was a period of time where he was single, before we started dating. At this time he was dating others however when we started dating he knew how I felt about relationships and he ended all physical and emotional relationships and continued 100% in our relationship. I have tried to be open and understanding as I was not jealous or possessive if he wanted to have friends of the same or opposite sex. In fact I encouraged him to be friends with women he had been friends with in his past.

This decision to have outside phsyical or inappropriate emotional relationships has just come about within the past year and there have been many changes in his life during this time the main one being he was recently diagnosed as bipolar. When he first cheated on me, earlier this year, and I confronted him about it he said he was sorry that he did it and sorry about how I found out. I was angry but knew that I loved him and we wanted to put our marriage back together. It was only after that initial confrontation and once we started seeing a marriage therapist that he said he was not sorry for what he did but how I found out and that he hurt me.

I love my husband tremendously, as I have supported him completely as he hasn't been working, and want to determine if he is using the excuse that he is poly to have inappropriate outside relationships or is he truly poly, as he just started referring to himself as poly once he was confronted. He never used that term when we first met as friends or prior to when we started dating.

After everything that has happened, I can't understand why he would tell me that he loves me, that this is our home and where he wants to be, and that he wants to work on putting our marriage back together, and then turns around and hurts me so badly.

Again, I apologize if I offended anyone as I am heartbroken, angry, hurt, and devastated that the man that I fell in love with is no longer the man I once knew and I just want answers if his current behavior is truly due to him being poly or is it part of the impulsiveness of his bipolar illness. My heart breaks.
 
Again, I apologize if I offended anyone as I am heartbroken, angry, hurt, and devastated that the man that I fell in love with is no longer the man I once knew and I just want answers if his current behavior is truly due to him being poly or is it part of the impulsiveness of his bipolar illness. My heart breaks.

I don't honestly think any of us can answer that for you. It *might* be something to do with his bipolar, but it does seem that he has a long history of preference for non-monogamy. In any case, I wonder if that question isn't just a distraction from the fact that, in simple terms, he has hurt you, and cannot offer you the reassurance you need to move on past that because he himself does not recognise that he has behaved badly. Does it matter whether he is really poly, or whether he is acting out in inappropriate ways because of his bipolar disorder? Is he not responsible for his actions either way? I say this gently, but his actions shouldn't be more excusable because he has a diagnosis. He is still your partner, your husband, and he needs to take responsibility for maintaining your relationship agreements. You need to work with what you have in front of you right now. And I think GalaGirl nails it: he is telling you very clearly that he is sorry he hurt you but not sorry he cheated. You need to decide if that is acceptable behaviour on his part, both in the breaking of your trust, and the way he has handled it after.

For what it's worth, I have been cheated on in the past (and indeed, cheated on others too), so I'm coming at this from a position of empathy for both of you. I have sometimes chosen to forgive my lover, and sometimes, it has been the end of our relationship. The times that were most conducive to forgiveness and moving on were situations in which I and my partner a) fully understood why the cheating happened, and b) could identify tangible things that could be done differently in future to ensure a different outcome. With my current partner, one of those things was for me to offer her *more* freedom, in exchange for *more* communication around her thoughts and feelings. It honestly took several years for the trust to be rebuilt, but it involved no dramatic concessions, no giant overtures on her part, just everyday continual affirmation of her desire to be with me (even though there were others she could also be with). If she had started the conversation with 'I'm sorry I hurt you but I'm not sorry I cheated' I don't think we would have made it past the first few days. Instead, what I heard was 'I'm sorry I hurt you, this is why I cheated, I never ever want to do that to us again, what can we do to help fix this?'. Perhaps his illness prevents him from approaching things from this angle, perhaps he is just not that good at relating and seeing how his actions affect others. However, it's up to you to be clear about what you will and will not accept from him. Poly is not 'my way or the highway'. If he doesn't have your consent, it's not poly. It really is that simple.
 
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There are many reasons people cheat, not just lack of safety in expressing their desire for others (I had an ex who cheated--we were poly--because he was both ashamed to admit he wanted to fuck women who he thought inferior to himself so he could actively engage in degrading them and also because he found the lying and deception part of the rush; but, he didn't want to have a LTR and "out" relationship with them). But, as FallenAngelina says, lack of safety in expressing desires for others is one reason to cheat.

That said, does it really matter at this point if your husband is poly or if he's cheating? Are you okay with him having other romantic partners about which you are fully aware? It doesn't sound like you are. So, whether he's poly or cheating, he's clearly not going to stop the behavior, and it's not a relationship style you want to be in either way. A bipolar diagnosis doesn't negate his behavior, and even if it was caused by his bipolar disorder (bipolar people are not inherently cheaters, btw), he would need to want to change that behavior, which it doesn't sound like he does.

So...I am unsure what the point if of trying to argue semantics. You don't like what's going on. He's not interested in changing it. Whatever term you use isn't going to change the reality of the situation. You now need to decide what YOU want. I would also suggest some therapy for yourself, without him, to help you clarify you wants and needs, as well as for coping strategies.
 
Everything I have learned up to this point has been from my husband and frankly he has done a poor job of explaining it to me.

Probably because he doesn't have a good grasp on ethical poly himself.

I love my husband tremendously, as I have supported him completely as he hasn't been working, and want to determine if he is using the excuse that he is poly to have inappropriate outside relationships or is he truly poly, as he just started referring to himself as poly once he was confronted. He never used that term when we first met as friends or prior to when we started dating.

What do you think poly people do? Just have cheating affairs left and right? Not if they practice ethical polyamory. They obtain consent of all parties first. Your husband is not doing this. I think you have a better grasp of relationship skills than your husband does. It doesn't matter if the relationship shape is 1 sweetie or more than 1 sweetie. One could treat their partner(s) with love and respect. That is missing here.

And who knows what stories he is telling the virgin woman.

After everything that has happened, I can't understand why he would tell me that he loves me, that this is our home and where he wants to be, and that he wants to work on putting our marriage back together, and then turns around and hurts me so badly.

I could be wrong in my guess. But it could go like this:

  • You are his meal ticket, you support him, you provide a nice home.
  • He wants to keep these benefits. He doesn't want to lose that part of it.
  • He likes what he gets from you.
  • So he's says whatever pretty story to you -- that he loves you, that he wants to work on things -- whatever it takes to keep access to you and access to the nice things you provide.
  • Just enough to keep you on the string so he gets the things he likes.
  • Not enough to actually treat you how you want to be treated in the relationship.

It's not fun to think about, and I'm not trying to be mean to you here. But it sounds to me like you are not really happy with his behavior and it is possible you are being used. :(

That is hard to consider when you love the person and are stunned to be treated so poorly.

But you loving the person? Doesn't automatically mean they love you back. Them saying they love you? That's just them saying some words. Without supporting action so you know they MEAN it? It could just be a load of hot air.

What's the supporting action here? He's been chronically cheating. He's not sorry he cheated. Just sorry you are hurt. I wonder if he's actually sorry you are hurt or he means he is sorry he got caught?

If he's actually sorry you are hurt? Why not set you free and part ways if he cannot stop the cheating? Then it doesn't affect you any more. Why keep you on the string? Because he likes you supporting him?

I just don't see how any of this is loving and respectful behavior. :(

... is allowing her to use him to practice or determine what makes her happy or others happy is this part of a poly relationship and is it ok.

It is NOT ok if all parties are not consenting. You did not consent to this arrangement.

I can't imagine that in any relationship this behavior is ok without the consent of everyone involved and since I was not consenting I viewed it as a breach in our relationship

It IS a breach. It sounds like he is gaslighting you. Trying to spin it like "you don't understand poly -- that's all."

Because if he makes the focus be (your lack of poly understanding) then the spotlight is off (his poor behavior.) He is in a Closed marriage, cheating, and trying to pass it off as "poly stuff" that you should just get cool with. That's being really fresh. :mad:

Again, I apologize if I offended anyone as I am heartbroken, angry, hurt, and devastated that the man that I fell in love with is no longer the man I once knew and I just want answers if his current behavior is truly due to him being poly or is it part of the impulsiveness of his bipolar illness. My heart breaks.

He has a wonky sounding past dating history. I wonder if it just took this long for you to see his true colors? He could no longer keep up the front? And it's the man you fell in love with that was the illusion? And this IS the real him?

Honestly, it sounds cruel to me to be telling you all his "test dummy details." Does he enjoy seeing you in pain?

I am truly sorry you struggle and hurt so bad.

I don't think it matters if his poor behavior is from (him being "poly") or from (him being impulsive/bi-polar.) Either way it is POOR BEHAVIOR. And this behavior is NOT how you want to be treated. So... if he does not want to stop this poor behavior or cannot stop this poor behavior?

It's on you to make the changes you need to be free of it so YOU can be healthy and no longer feel this bad any more. Which may mean walking away so you do not get dinged again. :(

I don't know if this helps you any. If he really is going to try to work on the marriage and stop the cheating.

http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

But if in the end you just don't want to be in a polyship at all? Don't go there. End it and spare yourself more grief.

Galagirl
 
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Your husband is not poly. He is an unethical non-monogamous jerkface.

He is cheating, and continuing to cheat.

Polyamory requires a joyful yes from all parties involved. It sounds like you are not anywhere near that. His continuing to have outside relationships shows his lack of respect and concern for your well-being.

You need to decide if you are willing to support someone who has no respect for you.

My husband PunkRock is bipolar. He's not a cheater. A diagnosis is not a hall pass for unethical behavior.
 
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