I am very sorry you deal in this.
To me? Cheating is cheating. It isn't like poly is magically "cheat proof." People can make poly agreements and then cheat on them. Just like people can make mono agreements and then cheat on them.
To me? What makes agreements reliable and trustworthy is the character of the people involved. They have integrity and what they say matches their actions. If they say one thing but do another? I cannot trust them. I cannot trust their word. So I cannot trust their word when they make agreements with me.
Can someone help me understand his behavior.
I think he's basically cheating on you. It's not going to change. It's been happening over and over.
When "talk" and "walk" do not match? I think talk is cheap when not backed up by supporting actions. I'll ignore the talk and the pretty "stories." Instead I will believe the walk. If his actions are (cheating over and over?) I would believe that it will likely happen again.
He cheated on me with several women and when he was confronted he said that he was not sorry that he did what he did, but he was sorry that he hurt me as he loves me.
When he makes agreements he does not keep, and says he's not sorry for cheating? YOU COULD BELIEVE HIM. He is not sorry!
How is any of that behavior demonstrating love and respect toward you?
When he says "I love you" does he
mean "I love the stuff I can get from you / the stuff you do for me?" Not really loving you as a person so much but loving the services het gets from you? To me there is a difference.
I think it would be more loving to say "I tried the mono thing, and it turns out I cannot do it. I need different agreements I can actually keep or we need to disband respectfully. This arrangement I cannot do any more and I don't want to be a cheater and hurt you."
I asked why he cheated on me an he claims that he is "poly" and that will never change. He was recently diagnosed bipolar with hyper sexuality. He has started taking medication for his illness. He claims that the medication will not change his being "poly".
BELIEVE HIM. Take him at his word. He is not going to stop seeing other women.
He might call it "poly." I would call it cheating/ unethical non-monogamy/ I would not call his way of doing it "ethical poly." But that neither here nor there because in the end?
You said you don't want any part of Open models of any kind. You were very clear about it from the start.
I told him that I would not tolerate that lifestyle as it was not for me.
You don't sound like you are having fun here. So why keep tolerating?
Since then he has started another relationship with a woman he met on a trip. He has told me that he is not attracted to her and they are just friends. He has "offered" to be her crash test dummy and allow her to figure out what she likes (apparently she's a virgin) and what pleases men. To me this doesn't sound like being "poly" as it sounds like he is a hooker / prostitute. He says that a "poly" relationship is where there is a primary couple and secondary relationships.
That sounds like another big cheating mess.
At this point? You have not consented to participate in Open the Marriage. He's making unilateral decisions that affect both of you. He's cheating out in the open now and expecting you to lump it. I guess he is banking on you doing the same behavior as before -- he does whatever... you complain some, but keep staying.
When he talks about a "poly" relationship it's that there is one primary couple and then secondary relationships. He has also told me that when the primary relationship is in trouble that all other relationships step aside for the primary couple to work it out.
There are many ways to practice
Open Models. Not just "primary-secondary." But the current model you guys agreed to practice together is "Closed Monogamous Marriage."
Which he is failing to practice.
There is trouble in the primary relationship (you + him) and what does he do? Does he follow through on his word and stop everything to work it out? Nope. He starts up with some new woman.
You are not in an Open marriage. Yet he just does whatever he pleases? That sounds disrespectful.
I have always told him he can be open and honest with me and can tell me anything, rather it has been him not being open which always ends up hurting me. I feel that he is using the term "poly" so that he can be married to me but then can have sexual relationships with other women and say it's ok because he's "poly". I'm trying to learn about this lifestyle or determine if he is just using it as an excuse to cheat on me.
I think he is being open and honest: He's basically told you he's going to keep seeing other women and he not sorry about doing it how he's doing it. Now he's even telling you the "crash test dummy" details! What he is NOT being is
respectful and loving toward you. He is not treating you how you want to be treated.
Maybe that is what you meant by "open and honest" -- to be respectful and take you into consideration and work something out. Not just be cheating again. But remember that how you mean something and how someone else takes it are two different thing.
FWIF I think you pretty much call it right. To me he sounds like he does cheating behavior, and tries to "whitewash" it with the "poly brush." If he can make it be about you not "understanding how poly works" then it isn't about his behavior of cheating on agreements.
He doesn't seem to have a good grasp on ethical polyamory.
If in his behavior, he is constantly hurting you? You could walk away and get you out of the line of fire so he cannot ding you any more.
Since he's not keeping his word with honoring his agreements? You could honor
your word and not tolerate this any more. Again...
I told him that I would not tolerate that lifestyle as it was not for me.
It's not an easy decision, but how many cheating affairs have there been now? Several by the sound of it, and he's not changing his behavior any.
So if you want to be free of all this cheating, you could change your staying-ness behavior. You could walk away.
I am very sorry you deal in this.
But you have to deal with it and sort it out. I hope you get yourself out of the line of fire.
Galagirl