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  #31  
Old 02-28-2017, 02:36 AM
Alodia Alodia is offline
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Hi Alodia,

I would ask a couple of questions about your boyfriend. Do you trust him? Could you trust him? What would it take for you to be able to trust him?

I don't think he'd lie unless he thought the lie would benefit him somehow. Maybe he doesn't trust you to be okay with his additional relationships, and that's why he hides them from you. He doesn't believe that honesty would benefit him.

It all puts you in a bad predicament.
With sympathy,
Kevin T.
Hello Kevin. Thanks for your reply.

To answer your questions, before this, yes I would've said I trusted him so much. Personally, I've never been as honest with anyone before, not just ex boyfriends, but anyone in my life, I shared with him things I've never told before. I was very direct and open with him and thought he was the same with me.

Now, of course, things have changed and I don't trust him anymore. Now I think things like, "That time he told me he was going over the weekend to see his father, was he really or was he seeing this other person?" Because to keep this hidden, meant he lied to me plenty. And it hurts.

He didn't just lie to me, but to his other partner as well.

In the midst of it all, he did say that he wasn't able to find "the right time" to tell me, that he never felt "comfortable" to tell me. Well, my first reaction to those explanations was that it was a load of BS. But then I really thought it over. Was I not making him "comfortable" that in 9 months he never found the "right time"? I think of myself as an understanding and supportive GF. Was I not? Was I really not? I did think all of that, I've had to re-think everything because that's what lies do.

I even specifically remember a few occasions when I asked him, very open and calmly, if he had met anyone new, if there was anyone new that he was interested in. He always said no. Those questions came in moments when he asked me about the 2 guys I was seeing, I would reply things like "Things are all right. Next Thursday I'm gonna see F. What about you? Anyone new in mind?" Were those not good moments for him to tell me the truth? I'm seriously asking. Would like to know.

But yes, I think he believed honesty wouldn't benefit him. I just can't understand why.

I think that to trust him again he would first have to apologize sincerely, I need to know he realizes what he did was wrong, because he has said things like "I'm so sorry you are in pain" and that he's "really sorry things are like this now". But I haven't heard "I screwed up, I'm so sorry. It was wrong of me to hide this from you". I need to know he knows not to do this again, that is not cool and is not what I want in a relationship.

I think actions build trust. So I am observing how he treats me these days. He did cut things off with that other girl. I guess I'd have to see how things go and what he does to mend them. I really have to think about what it would take for me to trust him again.

Thank you for your words

=)
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  #32  
Old 02-28-2017, 04:45 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Were those not good moments for him to tell me the truth? I'm seriously asking. Would like to know.
Those were good moments. I think he's making excuses when he says there was "no good moment."

Galagirl
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  #33  
Old 02-28-2017, 06:08 AM
Alodia Alodia is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post

Maybe it feels like...

"I don't want to leave him. I just want the bad behavior to stop. But am not sure that it WILL stop."
It most definitely feels exactly like that.

Anyways, I'm going back home tomorrow. I already packed my things. I am so incredibly sad, feel so cheated.

Thank you all!
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  #34  
Old 02-28-2017, 02:42 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I hope your trip back home tomorrow goes well.

GL!
Galagirl
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  #35  
Old 03-01-2017, 11:23 PM
SaintPeter87 SaintPeter87 is offline
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Default feel for you

Always difficult to move to a city for a guy - mono, poly or anything.

Seems that he is not sonopen in this open relationship.

You could not help seeing the first text and anyone with a heartbeat would have looked further onwards in the cell phone.

The guy is being defensive and rather child-like I would say and surely you are justified in your very natural feelings towards these warning signs.
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  #36  
Old 03-02-2017, 12:13 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alodia View Post
It most definitely feels exactly like that.

Anyways, I'm going back home tomorrow. I already packed my things. I am so incredibly sad, feel so cheated.

Thank you all!
I'm glad you're leaving him. I know it hurts, a lot, to be duped by a narcissist. I felt so foolish! But some con artists are really good at their cons (cough*trump*) It's no shame to have been a victim. Just learn to watch out for this kind of person. I came across another one after I dumped my narc bf. That guy lasted 3 or 4 dates before I recognized the red flags. I got out relatively unscathed.
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