Telling my mom

ElMango

Member
So this is more advice than GD, if it's in the wrong place let me know

So in the GD I talked about the hypothetical coming out. I having been trying with various people to tell them about an "article" I read to feel them out.
Mostly positive results.
Then I got to my mom. She honestly disappointed me but I'm not surprised.

She at first expressed mild confusion. Then it moved to telling my husband how I'd be too flawed for it 'jokingly'. Then she said she "wouldn't be happy" if I brought a date with me to a family dinner, and joked (to show how seriously she disagreed with it) about slicing my husbands tires if he had a girlfriend.

Now, I don't want to figure out how to change her. I know I'm not going to. What I want advice on is how other people have dealt with family and/or friends being...not supportive? How have you guys lived that duality? Have you been able to tell some family but not all?
 
It took about a year for everyone in my family to chill the fuck out and realize that this was me. I didn't beat around the bush with any "look at this article" - my sister outed me to the entire family. My mom is Catholic and really unpleasant but over time she became accepting. I mean, I am sure she still prays for me, but my husbands and I have been together for quite a while now so she knows things aren't changing.
 
Yep. I do.

My mother and I are extremely close and she is very accepting and supportive. She always respects my decisions and full life style. She knows my bdsm tendencies (I wear my collar around her), the fact that Bear is quite a bit older than me, and knows he sees other woman and knows my casual dating with other men. Full transparency. Very lucky there.

But that's where it stops. Not sure how my father thinks. It seems he acts oblivious and has never spoken about my relationship.

My Aunt and other extended family have no idea. My aunt is constantly questioning why id be with an older man and wants to prod...prod... And yes, is extremely judgemental.

Most of my family tends to be conservative.

How I deal? If my partners and Bear aren't accepted? We don't go. We hold holidays at our own home or with friends. I respect my family who dont want to be in the know by being "normal" around them and I flat out shut down my Aunt. I don't talk about it and refuse to indulge in it. Its my life. She has hers.

Ironically its not poly I encounter the most resistance with. Its the age difference.
 
Of my V, the very few people we've told have been supportive.
 
My husbands side, from the "hey we read and article isn't this so interesting" probe we did, would be supportive. Even his gran; her only concern was children involved in things but that's because of having to watch her one kid have a very messy divorce (her words).
My dad is a very DADT type person so so long as I didn't go into detail he'd be like "okay new person at dinner? Make more food." and honestly just wonder why I'd want to do extra work hahaha. I'm a low key daddy's girl though, so for him he'd just be happy to be included in my life.
My brother...honestly he'd be very much so "I don't want to know but okay"
My one coworker I've told is super supportive, my best friend is also polyam so- super supportive, and the other two friends of mine I've told are all really supportive.

Just my mom. And my mom being accepting is keeping us from being open with everyone else connected to her. Because if it is a secret is should be our burden, we shouldn't shift the burden to other people.
This is a wound that will take a bit to heal.

Let's be real, my mom hasn't hurt me like this in a long time because I already knew where she stood on things and just knew not to go there. This time I didn't and there was hope she'd at least be accepting, even if she didn't have it in her to be supportive.but she's not and she's mean
 
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Well, I said something to this effect before, but I think that in going slow and tentative as you did, you gave her the maximum opportunity to be mean...you knew that she would likely not be favorable, and by saying "what about this article?" you gave her the chance to judge it as harshly as she was going to, without even having to THINK about the fact she might be hurting you. Because it's still in the realm of the hypothetical. So much easier to say, "If you do this, then I'm gonna..." as opposed to "Oh, you're doing this? Well I'm gonna..." If she were put right on the spot, she'd have to get real about which is more important: Her judgments, or her relationship with her child?

You gave her the perfect opportunity to be judgmental, knowing she was probably going to be judgmental, and (no surprise!) she was judgmental.

Now you're still in the position to have to decide to remain closeted, or to come out with it and deal with whatever happens. Nothing has changed, other than you feel indirectly judged (as you knew you would) and she got a chance to spout off on what she thinks others ought to do with their lives.

Me? I would have ripped that bandaid right off. But again, I've spent most of my lifetime being "different" and my family isn't shocked by much of anything that I do anymore. They just want me to be happy, after so many years of hearing how difficult life was for me in my marriage. They don't care if I'm painted purple and standing on my head, so long as I'm smiling, I think. My mom is a bit concerned about the BDSM stuff, but she just doesn't want me to be hurt. And I think she struggles to accept that what grosses her out as an "old pervert" might be pretty much exactly what turns me on. (She briefly was with an older guy who was kinky, and she hated it...he was rich and her parents wanted them to be a match, but she got outta there quick after some of the stuff he wanted her to do, really squicked her out.) But I've pointed out to her 100 times that her partners aren't to my taste, and mine aren't to hers, and that's got to be ok.
 
My mom doesn't care about my happiness in a way I think many mothers do. Me making the right choices for me, os long as they make me happy aren't her priority. That's my dad. She focuses on appearances honestly. Which is why I went the way I did, because keeping it impersonal allows me to see how she'd react to the appearance of it.

We did actually bring it around to "what about if WE were doing it" and her reaction went from not supportive to an absolute extreme judgment.
It being closer to her made it worse. Which is why we started abstract.When we brought it around to attempting to make it more personal is when she 'joked' about slashing my husbands tires if he got a girlfriend, called me a harpy, and said I was far too mean and jealous to handle it.

Regardless, I'm asking for advice on how to deal with family who is...difficult.
 
Sounds like your best route is to mention poly to your mom, and expose her to poly visuals, as little as possible. It's doubtful she'll ever accept it, so at least you can spare yourself of some of her snotty behavior. That's my thought anyway.
 
My mom doesn't care about my happiness in a way I think many mothers do. Me making the right choices for me, os long as they make me happy aren't her priority. That's my dad. She focuses on appearances honestly. Which is why I went the way I did, because keeping it impersonal allows me to see how she'd react to the appearance of it.

We did actually bring it around to "what about if WE were doing it" and her reaction went from not supportive to an absolute extreme judgment.
It being closer to her made it worse. Which is why we started abstract.When we brought it around to attempting to make it more personal is when she 'joked' about slashing my husbands tires if he got a girlfriend, called me a harpy, and said I was far too mean and jealous to handle it.

Regardless, I'm asking for advice on how to deal with family who is...difficult.

Right, but you predicted the reaction to the abstract.

And then you said "what IF we were doing it" not "so yeah, this is us." There's a huge difference. She wasn't placed in put up or shut up position.

I'm not condemning your approach, other than to wonder what it accomplished, since you already were pretty spot on in predicting how she'd react, more or less. I mean really did any part of you think you'd be able to ease her into this and she'd be accepting? That was not the impression I got from your first post about it.

How to deal with difficult family...

Well again. There's the closet. That is a choice. There is open defiance. Also a choice. Open defiance is the choice I'd make, but I have decided I've had it with suppressing my authenticity. People can deal with who I am, or they can take a hike, unless they are paying me or something. I have plenty of social support, the few dissenters who want to piss in my Cheerios are people I don't need to listen to.

So I very tactfully and diplomatically told someone I did not wish to be his friend, not too long ago, because he had judgments about my lifestyle and I didn't appreciate his attitude. I don't have to deal with that kind of negativity. My space is a happy space. I would do the same with my own mother if I had to. I'd tell her, "I'm very sorry that you feel that way, but I am not interested in hearing your opinion anymore. I will be polite and cordial to you now, but don't expect us to have a relationship. If your negativity means more to you than my happiness, I am better off putting a bit of distance between us."

But...that is ME. I can't speak to what you would do. And for what it's worth, my approach infuriated the person that I did that to. But I was past the point of caring.
 
To Spork and others who have had experienced

1. prolonged negativity to their poly choice by close family or friends and
2. Despite that poly relationship being seen by those people as positive in most other ways apart from the sex/romance/love with multiple partners aspect

Were these people mainstream religious? Do you feel their objection was because it wasn't a question about your morals or their morals but rather, because they felt you had violated a higher moral compass? Sorry if it's personal, just trying to see if there are common patterns to the discrimination you receive and if it's a world view thing you're fighting. Because changing someone's world view, and especially religious world view can be very difficult. I'm currently wondering if a large part of Poly nonacceptance may just be a side effect of that for some who are very fixed in their religious world view. Of course, if this is too personal, no need to answer.
 
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Were these people mainstream religious?

My mom is Anglican- so definitely yes to mainstream

Do you feel their objection was because it wasn't a question about your morals or their morals but rather, because they felt you had violated a higher moral compass?

No. I doubt this is about God's moral compass. After talking with my bestie, so thinks it's more about my moms own personal issues with herself
 
My mom is very judgemental of my relationship with my boyfriend as well. She's known for... 3 years? Maybe more? I talk about him slightly less than I normally do, simply out of respect for her sadness. Because that's what it is. She's sad because she believes I'm living a life of sin. She tells me she prays for me if I talk about Boy too much but has mostly settled into a look that tells me " you know I don't approve but it's your life so live it how you feel is right."

If she is in my home, she sees photos, gifts, etc that include Boy. If I'm in her home, I limit stories and references to a minimum. Just like I would when talking about a TV show, movie, book, etc that she didn't like. If it's extremely pertinent or I'm very excited about it, she'll hear a little bit. If nothing is really happening, she won't hear anything. I don't feel like I'm living in the closet, and she doesn't feel like my choices are negatively impacting our limited time together. I'd probably push it more if we lived in the same area.
 
I am outed to my mom and step family- sort of to my grandma. And to my siblings. I am not out to my new social network openly, I no longer need to wave a flag around like I used to, when I first came out Bi I did tat for awhile, educating people blah blah..but for about 6 years now I've been quietly going about my big life changes, and if people notice I will directly answer a question but I just try not to put anything in anyoens face.

I have friends from all religions/backgrounds/countries/growing up and most of them were accepting except some o fte Mormons, which ironically are taught to be understanding. So..yeah no issues here. my family accept it albeit is grudgingly, the biggest impact on my life was losing my kids in court when my ex husband found out.

my sisters response was "how did you get to men to agree to it?" Lol. that was the most amusing response.

I don't really hide any established relationships but I do hide "new" ones because I have no idea if they'll last so I don't want my home to turn into a parade of introductions to people they may never meet again.

That and its none of my parents business my sex life imo. I don't even want to think about them having sex, nonetheless them talking to me about it. No thank you.
 
My wife's mum knows. She says it was easier telling our teenage kids about our poly lifestyle than her! It took her mum a long time to comprehend and created one heck of an emotional trauma. She informed her 6 months ago and she still cant understand and comprehend the situation in its entirety. But the good thing is that her mum told her if she is happy and her family is good with it she will be fine. Keeps telling her though that it will bite her in the future.
 
Why can't people just be happy for our happiness?
 
To Spork and others who have had experienced

1. prolonged negativity to their poly choice by close family or friends and
2. Despite that poly relationship being seen by those people as positive in most other ways apart from the sex/romance/love with multiple partners aspect

Were these people mainstream religious? Do you feel their objection was because it wasn't a question about your morals or their morals but rather, because they felt you had violated a higher moral compass? Sorry if it's personal, just trying to see if there are common patterns to the discrimination you receive and if it's a world view thing you're fighting. Because changing someone's world view, and especially religious world view can be very difficult. I'm currently wondering if a large part of Poly nonacceptance may just be a side effect of that for some who are very fixed in their religious world view. Of course, if this is too personal, no need to answer.

Most of the people I have told who don't agree with what I've done with my life have said something along the lines of "well I guess whatever floats your boat, but I couldn't even imagine doing that."

There is that weird common thing people do where it's like they have to apply every single thing they encounter to their own life and give a quick summary judgment of it based on whether it would suit THEM, and I know I've been guilty of it too, but it's kind of weird to me sometimes. Like, everything isn't always about you, right? Don't know why that's such a pervasive human response to things, but it does seem to be.

As though being accepting of something means you've got to try it. Well no...and no one is trying to make you...so... :confused:

The very few extremely judgmental people I've encountered, it's been more about their own baggage than religion, although religious conditioning could account for some people's attitudes, I just don't have a lot of religious folks in my social spheres. The one guy I talk about who put me off, was speaking from a place where he basically scorns what he perceives to be "damaged" or experienced women, and this is because his mother was an alcoholic and an addict to hard drugs, and who knows what he saw growing up. He literally brought a "verified" virgin to the US from another country, who barely spoke a word of English, to marry her, I believe because he feels personally unsafe with anything less than pure innocence. He is also extremely condescending, especially to women. As far as things like poly and BDSM, he assumes we (women into such things) are all walking train wrecks and cannot imagine it any other way. He frankly has problems that all go back to his relationship with his mother, in my opinion and from what I know. He isn't religious, and he considers himself to be very liberal and progressive.

But my choice to part ways with him was absolutely as much a matter of me finding his attitude repellent, as it was him wanting me to never mention the "weird sex stuff" that is my involvements past and present with poly or BDSM. I will not refrain from wearing my collar around him, nor act like the best things in my life are too shameful to mention for his comfort, but you know if he were a nicer person that didn't offend my sensibilities in other ways, I might have a more conciliatory attitude than what I do.

But anyone who is mean in the way they speak to me? Disrespectful? Family ties or no, there may come a day where a self respecting adult has to just stand up to that and realize they deserve better treatment. I would not have been ready to do something like that, until probably the last couple years of my life...all a matter of where you're at in your own path.

I certainly put up with friends of my ex who were nearly as bad or worse, before this chapter of my life began.
 
My mom is super-conservative and has always freaked out at anything I did. The good part is that she's now used to freaking out. So her status on Spexy is that I should not have sex with someone I'm not married to. Spexy comes and we live together quite openly and in the same home. She is fine with him other than the occasional wish that we should "at least" marry.

I've told her point blank I'm neither promising nor expecting monogamy. She thinks that is quite slutty of me. General freak out when the subject is ever mentioned (not often). I have no doubt that if she ever met a second lover of mine, she'd be civil, then have 50 questions, but eventually adapt, though she'd have her own version of it being wrong, etc.

Part of this is that she is my dependent, not vice versa, so I have nowhere else to go and live my life if not in my own home. Other part is that she's been freaking out at things I do all my life, so she has some coping skills by now, when push comes to shove. She has also seen that none of the choices I made were ever directly harmful or even disrespectful of her in any way, so she has learned to live and let live beyond the occasional nagging.

I appreciate that she is able to maintain civility. Credit for this also goes to how Spexy and I manage ourselves in the household and care for everyone in it. We also refrain from PDAs in front of her, though we aren't going to die of embarrassment if she accidentally walks in on something.

Edit: I suppose her acceptance of Spexy is also because he himself is relatively conservative and very quiet and reserved by nature, so in her eyes, he is actually the virtuous one, and I'm the one with all these problem views. In her eyes, when a good man is willing to marry you, you marry first, rest later. Spexy being willing to marry me from the word go, and us not being married by my preference gets him out of her doghouse.
 
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