- Are you monoamorous (desire or capability to share love with 1 sweetie) and monogamous (want to relate in a 1:1 model, no other people)?
- Are you monoamorous (desire or capability to share love with 1 sweetie) and relationship shape flexible? Could do mono like 1:1, poly like an end point in a V, casual sex, etc?
- Are you polyamorous (desire or capability to share love with more than 1 sweetie) and relationship shape flexible? Could do poly or do mono like 1:1 so long as you can express your poly thoughts and feelings? Open enough for you but Closed enough for the partner since there is no other people?
- Are you polyamorous (desire or capability to share love with more than 1 sweetie) and polygamous? You want to be in a poly thing be it an MMF, FMF, a V, a triad, a quad, or some other poly network?
Ok, let me gather my bits of brain because my head's just exploded.
So I... don't really know what all this is to the point that I can go A Vs B so masterfully as you do! I said "monoamorous" seemed to resonate better with me because I'd prefer to have a strong love bond (being "amorous") with only one person. But I wouldn't have much issues having sexual and friendly light-hearted interactions with more than one person. Ive always been uneasy with the label monogamous (and at best described myself as a serial mono, because I was) because a life-long single sexual partner seems impossible and not even desirable at all. A life-long love was possible and in this case desirable, but at the time I couldn't think of other ways than a love and sex partner for a finite time and then change or a love partner which would cease to be a sex partner (sex would cease to be altogether) and this last one was a terrible prospect.
So... I dunno... What does that make me? Not monoamorous?
Are you saying you neglect your friends and other relationships when in a mono thing? So when the mono thing folds, you have no support system to help you heal from the grief of the relationship ending?
Neglect? No! Not at all! I wish I had very strong friendships. I wish some people, even just one, knew me for a long time - someone I didn't need to explain who I am to, someone who has followed my evolution and whose evolution I followed as well. Unfortunately, explaining who I am over and over again is the never-ending story of my life because everyone is always new to me or has a shallow knowledge of me (and me of them) because as I said here and there, I've been a neo-nomad for over 20 years.
However, yes: when the relationship ends, I have no or little support system, too shallow of a support system to really lean on it if needed. Which has been a problem at times, but I survived.
It would be nice to have those friends I mention though.
Here's another perspective. The fear of being replaced? What's the fear really?
Being replaced, yes... Rejection, really. When you're a nomad and you keep saying goodbye to people, it's not easy if they also occasionally say goodbye to you when you're not even leaving the area.
And loneliness.
Not "oh I'm so bored on my own, I need people to fill the minutes and hours of my evening" kind of loneliness. Dog, no. I'm an introvert so time alone is my comfort zone and how I recharge and do myriad of stuff I love. No, I mean existential loneliness. More like "who knows me...?". More like "who do I say half a sentence to and we burst out laughing because they know I know they know". More like "Dude, I know it's 3am and I'm waking you up, but...". Maybe even more like "if I die tomorrow, who will know about it and when...?"
So yeah, the idea of a relationship that is lasting and stable is a little bit of a nice prospect for me. And as daunting and scary as it is because it's an unknown area, open-relationships seem to have more chances for success to achieve this goal than monogamy in my opinion. So I'm stepping in the unknown area and I'm doing what needs doing to adapt to it. It's not like I don't know how to adapt to unknown places, right?
Rather than spend a lot of energy making things so a break up can never happen, consider how to better fuel your "coping-ness" if it DOES happen. (...)There's nothing to fear because I already did the things I needed to do to be prepared. I might not LOVE dealing with a hurricane or its aftermath, but I'm prepared. YKWIM?
Totally. 100% agree. I'm.doing this too. But ya know, the child inside is a sensitive, stubborn creature and doesn't change or evolve with a finger snap. This kind of work is on the long run.
Thank you so much for helping GalaGirl and spending so much time trying to understand the situation better. I really appreciate it. And I will read these links you give. EDIT: Ah, these are from the book "Opening up" actually. Great! I've just finished another book and was going to start this one tonight as it's been waiting for a few days now (but then I saw all the messages, so now, it's time for bed
).