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Old 07-21-2017, 06:41 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Question Relationship downsizing

It has been some months since my ex-husband left me (and my boyfriend) and it seems likely that we will not get back together.

I have heard that it is usual that one person leaving can result in the whole relationship structure to disintegrate, and I am at times fearful for it happening to us. I do still feel very much that we are in the "remains of a poly relationship", rather than being in a monogamous relationship. We have to restructure everything, and the person I would like advice from, my ex, is not available. I feel weird in how to handle questions like marriage and kids, and I am pretty paranoid but also rushed (my ex left me as we were about to start trying for kids. I am not young). It is a very weird setting all of a sudden trying to address this issues "on my own" - the timing feels wrong.

I could address things head on, and have been adviced to, still the "now that he is gone, who are we" question remains. We did talk a little bit about it, like I said that I was not looking to add on (just continuing with him is enough to make me struggle some days. The thought of dating more people make me sweat). I said I wanted to be monogamous, he said something about threesomes that made me feel very hurt. I guess there is no way to tread lightly in this process.

I feel foolish to address things like "Well, now that he left, why dont you and I marry instead" or "Well, now that I am not going to have kids with my ex, how about you and I give it a go before my egg collection runs dry". My ex leaving me got me hurt, and changed our structure as well. We became mono overnight, it is not the same as dating and slowly starting to talk about these things - I met my boyfriend when I was already married with plans to have a kid. I knew how to do mono. I learned how to do poly. What we have now, is weird remains. I am not sure how to twist it into something that we both are comfortable with. I struggle with on the one hand feeling more loved than ever by my boyfriend, and on the other hand being scared to plan the future (he is probably unsure of to rock the boat too).

I just wonder if someone who "downsized" from 3 to 2 in the relationship have advice on how to deal with the structural change.

I am probably seeing my boyfriend next month (our second visit since the breakup) and I am planning to initiate some "serious conversation" stuff. I think since I feel so nervous about it, I have to plan what to say. I would appreciate any pointers.
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Old 07-21-2017, 07:41 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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I think a lot of that disintegration comes from people placing blame on the demise of one relationship on the other partner. It doesn't sound like you are doing that. It also doesn't sound like he is pressuring you into anything.

When Cat died I immediately felt pressure from MK to escalate our relationship. I also got a sense of the same thing from Elle. Sprite isn't looking for a "primary" type relationship so there was no pressure there. I'm pretty sure Mary secretly hopes I don't get serious with anyone and one day we will live happily ever after.

It takes time to recover from a loss, whether it is death or a break-up. Personally, I had to take a step back from all my relationships in order to work on me. I'm still in the process of doing that.

I think it is inevitable that such a major incident will cause you to have to reevaluate your other relationship. I don't think it would be fair to try to force your expectations on him. You just need to have those conversations. Then you can decide what to do. What if he doesn't want children of his own?
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Old 07-21-2017, 07:49 PM
breathemusic breathemusic is offline
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Correct me if I'm wrong, but before your husband left, you were already considering divorcing your husband and marrying your b/f strictly for the legalities that would come with b/f trying to relocate to you, correct? So while I normally wouldn't say rush into marriage just because of a breakup.... if this was already something under discussion, you could possibly approach it from that angle? Though realistically, you're going through A LOT right now, so I wouldn't just rush into that.

The other thing to consider is that if having a child is important to YOU but you don't want to rush b/f into having a child, if he was prepared to date you when you had kids with your husband, would you ever consider adoption or some other means of having a child but not having b/f be the biological father? If he wants to become the actual father figure later, he could opt to adopt if your relationship gets to that point.

Basically, you need time to settle into a new norm, but I think you also need to take into consideration what goals you want for yourself in life, even outside of your relationships.
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Old 07-22-2017, 08:46 AM
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Shaya Shaya is offline
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You could consider freezing your eggs. No idea as to the cost of that sorry.
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Old 07-22-2017, 02:29 PM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
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As I've discovered in my relationship, one lover is never a substitute for another. Just as each person is a unique individual, so every dyad relates differently and has different interests, priorities and long-term goals.

You and your boyfriend have to settle into this new way of relating and "being" before any heavy decisions are made. Does HE want to be mono? It doesn't necessarily sound like it from his mentions of threesomes. Does he WANT to marry you? (Other than as a means to relocate more easily.) Does HE want to have children one day? And if so, does he want them soon?

These are the questions that you need to answer, but they should arise as organically as possible once you've settled back into harmonious existence, rather than being pushed forward as part of a desperate "body clock ticking!" agenda.
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Old 07-22-2017, 05:17 PM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Norwegianpoly View Post
before my egg collection runs dry
Is this actually happening? How much longer do you have? Is thid what a medical professional told you, or what you read on Facebook?

Watch this:
The "35+" myth
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Old 07-22-2017, 05:43 PM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaya View Post
You could consider freezing your eggs. No idea as to the cost of that sorry.
Makes it sound so easy, as though her ovaries are a vending machine: someone pokes a chi meridian & out pops an egg. Jab the button a few more times, & there ya go.

There's this really cool new thing, called... um...like "Goggle" or something.

10 Realities of Freezing Your Eggs

Actually, it's a pretty wimpy article on the topic (with a subtly scary headline), but there's a few salient points --
Quote:
The cost of medication and treatment for one cycle is roughly $10,000-12,000 and storing eggs will cost $800 per year.
As "one cycle" is like 15 eggs, you'd probably want to do three or five or ten, right? This is insurance after all.

And then there's the costs of implantation. And just as every instance of intercourse doesn't lead to pregnancy, it's likely that multiple courses will have to be used up.

This does nothing to question The Cult Of Mommyhood, but that's for another day.
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Old 07-22-2017, 05:55 PM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lunabunny View Post
These are the questions that you need to answer, but they should arise as organically as possible once you've settled back into harmonious existence, rather than being pushed forward as part of a desperate "body clock ticking!" agenda.
A big part of the issue here is that NP and her BF are long distance living in separate countries. There has never been a long term, everyday life together. NP and her BF are kinda finding a brand new harmonious existence of long distance, not able to settle back into what was before. NP, you're not only acclimatizing to a mono relationship, but are you also talking about one of you changing countries? Add to that the "need" for children and you've got an awful lot of adjusting going on right now. It's important for you to know that as you proceed with your discussions about your new monogamy. It's not just the monogamy that's hanging in the air and the vibe in your relationship will reflect that.
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Old 07-23-2017, 09:27 PM
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Hi Norwegianpoly,

I think it makes sense for you to marry your boyfriend. You were already planning to do that, to eliminate the long-distance factor. I only see that changing if you want to break up with your boyfriend. Just my point of view.

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Kevin T.
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Old 07-27-2017, 04:50 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I am probably seeing my boyfriend next month (our second visit since the breakup) and I am planning to initiate some "serious conversation" stuff. I think since I feel so nervous about it, I have to plan what to say. I would appreciate any pointers.
I suggest just being honest. If you are hoping to get married and have kids in the near future, you need to know if BF is that person or not. So sort it out. If he's not that person, do you guys want to continue in a poly LDR thing or take this as opportunity to disband that also?

You might also have to come to terms with maybe not getting married as you had hoped. Maybe you thought it would be at a certain decade of your life and now you might be looking at it in another decade. You might also have to come to terms with maybe not having kids as you hope. Maybe you change gears from wanting bio kids in a certain decade to adopting them in a later decade or changing your mind and not having any.

I wouldn't make any life changing decisions while grieving, but I also don't think it hurts to look to future. That is part of healing from grief and regaining balance after being shook up. To start to look ahead and visualize the next picture you want to shoot for. To assess what it is you lost, what it is you have, what you want to keep, and what you want to let go of.

So you can start fresh and without too much baggage weighing you down.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-27-2017 at 04:55 PM.
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