Coming Out As Poly

SparkyGirl

New member
Just a bit of background. Husband and I have been in an open poly relationship for nearly 5 years.

I've never had this discussion with most of my family about our lifestyle (I confide in my sister and a few select friends), but it's increasingly becoming more and more clear that I will have to have this discussion soon-ish.

I've entered a relationship that is strong enough and connected enough that it makes sense for this person to be introduced to my family. I've always said "When someone has the staying power, that's when we will start introducing the idea to the family." My Husband, Boyfriend and I are kitchen table poly and very comfortable with each other, and my boyfriend has a pretty strong connection with my daughter as well. The time is nigh. (Due to barriers in his other relationship, this is not reflected on his side of the relationship - this is just starting to change. Totally different topic for a different thread).

We are increasingly more committed, and so when I think of "family events," I feel like my boyfriend should start being there.

How do I begin to have this conversation with people?

My mom will be absolutely, 1000% totally cool, and my step dad will accept it but think it's "weird." I think my dad will "get it," but he's mentally ill and we will run into issues with privacy (as in, he'll just tell whoever will listen).

I am mostly concerned about extended family on my side, Husband's family, and because we are in a small redneck town and I own a business, I worry about how my relationship will be perceived by my potential clients.

How did you "come out" gently? What were the reactions you received? Mostly supportive? What are some things I should be cautious of? Any tips you have for me would be super.
 
Do not come out at a holiday. Do not come out at a family vacation. While these are tempting because you have extended time, it is a mistake trapping people when they are there to have a good time.

When I came out, it was always as a preface to a meeting or dinner party or the like. "By the way, I am bringing my girlfriend and yes, Kay knows I have a girlfriend. We opened our relationship a few years ago." Only my parents gave a negative reaction. The rest of my immediate family is supportive. Kay's sister is supportive. She has not told her brothers or parents.

Which is to say, you don't have to come out. Realistically, what is the difference between a really close family friend and a lover? Sex. Do you tell you family about your sex life? Txgirl comes to events where Kay's family is present. As far as they know she's just our friend and it really doesn't change anything. She's there and that's what matters.

While I am in favor of full disclosure and it makes the world a better place where we can be ourselves, it isn't always necessary.
 
Do not come out at a holiday. Do not come out at a family vacation. While these are tempting because you have extended time, it is a mistake trapping people when they are there to have a good time.

Heck no - I would never do that!

As far as holidays go, I have suspicions my step sister and her husband are in a triad with a woman named Rose... And Rose just.... Showed up one Christmas. Then a few other family events... Then Christmas again this year...

And everyone wonders who Rose is...? No one talks about it to her, they just all talk behind her back. I tried to ask her and she skirted it - which is fine, her prerogative.

But my mom is like "Well, if Rose is part of their family, I should like... Get her a Christmas gift."

So I have actually SEEN the discomfort of doing that on a holiday.

When I came out, it was always as a preface to a meeting or dinner party or the like. "By the way, I am bringing my girlfriend and yes, Kay knows I have a girlfriend. We opened our relationship a few years ago." Only my parents gave a negative reaction. The rest of my immediate family is supportive. Kay's sister is supportive. She has not told her brothers or parents.

Which is to say, you don't have to come out. Realistically, what is the difference between a really close family friend and a lover? Sex. Do you tell you family about your sex life? Txgirl comes to events where Kay's family is present. As far as they know she's just our friend and it really doesn't change anything. She's there and that's what matters.

While I am in favor of full disclosure and it makes the world a better place where we can be ourselves, it isn't always necessary.

I know it's not always necessary, but in this case, with my family specifically, it feels necessary. This person is important, and I'd like my family to know.
 
I know it's not always necessary, but in this case, with my family specifically, it feels necessary. This person is important, and I'd like my family to know.

I know how you feel. It is important to me too, so I do.
 
Seeing as nobody's asked yet --

But how does HE feel about this? Does HE feel the same sort of imperative? If not, will you pressure him into it?

Excited to be included and meet my family, instead of just hearing stories 3rd hand.

If he wasn’t excited about it I’d not even be considering it.
 
Coming out as poly has been slow for me. I consider my close friends like family, so I have only just started to come out with close friends who are open-minded. The responses have been positive so far. Always try to stay hopeful!
 
Coming out as poly has been slow for me. I consider my close friends like family, so I have only just started to come out with close friends who are open-minded. The responses have been positive so far. Always try to stay hopeful!

I’m glad you’ve had good responses!! So far all of mine have been, and I know there will be a fair number of positives in my family. I’ve been careful of who I’ve told because I am selecting people I know will be supportive. The worst I’ve had is “I don’t get it, but you do you,” which is kinda awesome.
 
I’m glad you’ve had good responses!! So far all of mine have been, and I know there will be a fair number of positives in my family. I’ve been careful of who I’ve told because I am selecting people I know will be supportive. The worst I’ve had is “I don’t get it, but you do you,” which is kinda awesome.

If that's the worst, that is kinda awesome! :)
 
My parents were supportive. My sister took a little longer to come around, but is supportive as well. My sister-in-law is supportive.

My in-laws’ reaction? Awful. In part because they figured it out themselves and had two weeks to stew about it before talking to my husband directly. In part because both of their parents had affairs and broken marriages and they worry about our kids.

My advice is to get ahead of the story (don’t let them figure it out on their own) and preface whatever you say with, “we have something to tell you that might be a surprise, but we want you to know are all really happy about it.”
 
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