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  #1  
Old 02-18-2018, 07:57 PM
Lovinghusbandforever Lovinghusbandforever is offline
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Default Huge mistake or can I save this?

Recently my life has gotten very complicated. I'm usually a very emotionally stable person, as of late I've been experiencing a lot of extreme ups and downs due to the change of lifestyle that my wife and I have decided on.

I'm a father of two beautiful children. My daughter of four and my son of eight. I've been with my wife for nearly eighteen years and married the last nine.

I guess I'll just start from the beginning in hopes of giving the full scope of the situation.

So a few months back my wife came home after a girls night out with a couple of her co-workers. She was a little tipsy and mentioned that she might have a little more than a crush on one of them. She then started to talk about possibly having her come home after the next girls night out. Being a man, I thought about how this is a rare opportunity that I shouldn't let slip by. So I tell her to look into it further.

As the next couple of weeks go by, I periodically checked in with her on the status of the situation. It was starting to sound like it was going to happen. I had no idea of how to prepare for something like this. I didn't research the possible outcomes of a scenario like this one. My only concern at this point was emotions getting involved. They were already involved. I was too blind to realize it.

So it happened and it was great. We had a wonderful evening and the next thing I knew, it was happening somewhat frequently.

A little info about our partner. She also has kids. Three, all from different dads. Never married. She was in the middle of a break up from a bad relationship that lasted almost nine years when all this started. We helped her move back into her parents house which is over an hour away from here. Things started to go bad there, with her dad, who is an addict and very emotionally unstable. She went through this with him as a kid and didn't want her kids to be exposed to the same thing. I know I'm going to get flamed for this, but my wife and I felt the same way about it, so we offered her to come and stay with us. That included herself, her three kids, a cat and a dog. We also have a cat and two dogs. We live in a one bedroom with an office that our kids sleep in. To tally that up, its eight people, three dogs, and two cats in a tiny home.

My wife has fallen head over heals in love with her. I have not. I do care very much for her, though. And this is where it started getting scary. extremely scary. Watching the way my wife looks into her eyes, the very same way she used to look into mine.. Tears the soul out of me. I've had good days when the both of them show me affection, but on days when its just between them, it kills me.

Lately, I've been getting better about this. My wife swears up and down that she will never leave me. That if this situation does crash and burn, she will stay with me. She also told me though, if it does go like that, it will never be the same between us.

Since I've started to control the jealousy, another major issue popped up. My wanted to get a ring tattooed on her ring finger, right next to the ring I put on her on our wedding day, that says our partners name with always forever and she wanted our partner to get the same with my wife's name on it. This hit me so hard, its unbelievable. I told her, after looking up some info on these types of relationships, that we have not set up any boundaries and that this might have to be our first. I asked her to look at it from my perspective. I said "How would you feel if it was her and I that were madly in love and we wanted to get that tattoo in the most sacred of ways, that doesn't include you?". She saw my point, but walked away from me and wouldn't have anymore of that conversation. We haven't spoken since. This was last night. I cant even smile when I'm around all the kids. In fact, I've just kind of been hiding out and giving her space.

It's hard to hear her laughing and playing with everyone but me. I feel like since i finally put my foot down on something, that it may have been a major mistake. Any advice would help, as I am completely alone on this. I absolutely love her to death. She and the kids are my whole world and it feels like its all crashing down.

Thanks in advance.
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  #2  
Old 02-19-2018, 04:28 PM
powerpuffgrl1969 powerpuffgrl1969 is offline
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I'm sorry about the mess you have found yourself in. I just don't understand why any of you thought it would be a good idea to move your girlfriend and her kids in.

Is the girlfriend contributing to the household? Is she working? You can't "rescue" people, especially when your own lifeboat is about to tip over. I think you need more advice than what a forum of strangers can give you, because this is a terrible situation.
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  #3  
Old 02-19-2018, 05:00 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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I'm not really sure you've done anything wrong. These are emotions that have to be expressed and talked through.

I'm interested in your timelines. Is a "few months" closer to 3 or closer to 10? In one case, there's still a lot of NRE going on and her emotions are a bit wonky just as yours are. In the latter, it's a more permanent situation. There came a time where I told Kay that we had to make a decision or my relationships were a fixed part of my life.

One of my biggest jealousy roots is the fear that my partner will find someone better an leave me. It's always new people. After a few weeks that dies down and things get back to normal. But I tend to struggle with new partners. If you can get through that then you may be more comfortable.

That being said, you also may need your boundaries. You are under no obligation to share your house permanently. I also agree with powerpuffgirl that professional counseling is a good idea.
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  #4  
Old 02-19-2018, 06:09 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lovinghusbandforever View Post
I feel like since i finally put my foot down on something, that it may have been a major mistake.
It sounds like neither you nor your wife are used to you putting your foot down on anything. So now you're in the unfamiliar situation of disagreement, and worry that you've done a mistake. But from the outside, while everything else sounds questionable, this decision of yours certainly doesn't.

Giving her, and yourself, space now seems a good idea. Once you have both calmed down you should - probably - have a more rational conversation about the future. Or schedule a time to have it - with a counsellor perhaps.

I agree with people telling you to seek marriage or individual counselling. If there's no way you can afford it, maybe even a crisis center or helpline? Since not only your marriage but also your home is at stake, this is quite serious.
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  #5  
Old 02-19-2018, 06:35 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm sorry you struggle. It sounds like you were up for a threesome, but not up for all of THIS.

You also sound sad and lonely with nobody to talk to. I hope you feel a bit better for airing it out here. I'm not sure a forum can give you all the help you need, but I hope you at least got to air out. If you need extra support, I encourage you to find it IRL. Talk to family, friends, a counselor. Internet support from strangers can only go so far. I think you need people IRL -- who could give you a break on childcare (family or friends), bring you food (family or friends), help you more extensively. (counselor).

What is your desired outcome? Or ideal situation?

That this be a V thing? Where wife is the hinge and has two lovers, but the other lover go take her kids and live elsewhere? Because this was supposed to be to help her for X weeks while she hunts for a new home... not permanently move her in when you guys are already so crowded? (3 adults and 5 kids in a 1 bedroom place is just too many people to me. I would feel suffocated. )

Something else?

Quote:
I feel like since i finally put my foot down on something, that it may have been a major mistake. Any advice would help, as I am completely alone on this. I absolutely love her to death. She and the kids are my whole world and it feels like its all crashing down.
It's not a mistake to speak your truth. You have to state your personal limits. It is your job and your job alone to state clearly what you ARE and ARE NOT up for. Other people are not mind readers.

It's ok to love wife a whole lot, but you also have to love you too. She can have lots of love. Even 49% of your love. But the other 51% you keep for loving you so you are able to say "No. I love you a whole lot. But not even for you will I do/continue to do stuff that hurts me. This is hurting me. I have to stop doing this."

Other people don't have to be thrilled with the news, but that's the only way I know to sort stuff out. Everyone just puts their cards on the table. What they are and are not up for. They accept that some things will line up and some will not and get on with the sorting. It might FEEL hard, but the actions are straight forward.

Change has to happen here because this kite cannot continue to fly like THIS.

OPTIONS I SEE
  • For sure, stop sharing group sex with wife and Lover. And stop sharing sex with Lover. That complicates things. You seem to want more clarity, not more confusion fog. Plus you like her ok, but you don't love her. So... don't share more sex with her -- either just you two sex or group sex.

(You + wife + Lover) in some trio/triad thing in a tiny house? Is not working. Accept this. The model has to change.

Be honest and up front with them both. You tried it, it doesn't work for you. And then you all pick the next model you all can live with:
  • The living arrangements change but not the romantic ties.
    • Lover moves out with her kids. Wife dates both of you. One over there, and one over there. Then you don't have to deal with the crowdedness (physical, mental, and emotional) in your home.
    • You move out (with or without your kids). Wife dates both of you.
    • Everyone moves out and maintains their own home. Wife dates both of you.
  • The living arrangements change AND some of the romantic ties change.
    • (Lover and Wife) continue in a romance. You bow out.
    • OR (You + Wife continue in a romance.) Lover bows out.
  • The living arrangements change AND all the romantic ties change.
    • Everyone bows out. All single.

Quote:
Lately, I've been getting better about this. My wife swears up and down that she will never leave me. That if this situation does crash and burn, she will stay with me. She also told me though, if it does go like that, it will never be the same between us.
Wife says "If this situation does crash and burn, I will stay with you even though things won't be the same between us."

It ALREADY won't be the same between you. You opened Pandora's box. You both ended the marriage in favor of a new model -- a triad. Maybe you didn't realize that is what you were doing. I notice a lot of people who come here sometimes like to think of it like "married plus one" rather than "we are breaking up this marriage in order to practice a new model." Maybe because it is easier to imagine the first one. But I find the latter more accurate emotionally.

Wife says "If this situation does crash and burn, I will stay with you even though things won't be the same between us."

Why stay? Is she saying "Even if this sucks for me, I will stay in this marriage?" expecting you to return in kind? That even if the marriage sucks, you will keep on staying? Why would either of you want to stay in something that sucks?

That's what I'm talking about above. You both have to be able to say "I love you a whole lot. But not even for you will I stay in a thing that hurts me." Do you both have that ability/skill?

You have your own choices. YOU do not have to stay in things that hurt even if wife is willing to on her side.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-19-2018 at 07:26 PM.
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  #6  
Old 02-20-2018, 12:51 AM
Lovinghusbandforever Lovinghusbandforever is offline
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Default Thank you

First of all, I just want to thank you for all your time and thoughts on the matter. It really means a lot to me that total strangers would do that for another stranger. It says a lot about you folks. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. It really does feel better to "air out".

I'd like to answer some of the questions you had for me.

-Powepuffgirll1969

Is she working/contributing?

She works two days a week and goes to school full time. She does clean up after her kids. Not much contribution for bills and food on two days a week. I think she does have some school assistance though.

-NOX

I'd like to know the time frame of a few months 3? 10?

This started around three months ago.

-GalaGirl

What is your desired outcome or ideal situation?

Well, I'm realizing that this will never be the same and with that thought in mind, I'm leaning towards trying to make this work. I'm sure there are lots of improvements to be made. My wife realizes that too. I know that the NRE is especially heavy right now, but in my vows of marriage I promised her to stand by her side through thick and thin. My hard days do seem to be easier to manage each time I have one.

Why stay if it all falls apart?

My wife and I both came from divorced parents. We both know what effect it has on kids. We agreed, when we had our first child, that we would give it our best shot to stay together for them. At least until they moved out.

I know I've got a bit of soul searching to do, but I do feel like this may work. Maybe even be happy doing it. Your suggestions have been very incitful. Its nice to finally have an idea what's actually going on. I'll keep you posted on what happens.

Thank you again,
Lovinghusbandforever
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  #7  
Old 02-20-2018, 03:20 AM
powerpuffgrl1969 powerpuffgrl1969 is offline
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OK, I read you saying that your kids are a reason to stick this out, but how can this situation POSSIBLY be good for these same kids? I'm sorry, but how were you thinking of them when you moved four other people into your one bedroom house? You are financially supporting four additional people with resources that should go to your children.

If you aren't going to advocate for yourself, then advocate for your kids. It ticks me off to no end when someone says they are going to stay in a shit show for THEIR KIDS. Don't put this on them. My parents divorced and I am thankful they did. I divorced and both my kids wound up with even more people to love them.

You aren't doing your kids any favors.
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  #8  
Old 02-20-2018, 04:00 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Glad reading some and airing out some helped a little. I hope your soul searching is helpful and brings you the clarity you need.

Quote:
My wife and I both came from divorced parents. We both know what effect it has on kids. We agreed, when we had our first child, that we would give it our best shot to stay together for them. At least until they moved out.
I am married to an adult child of divorce whose parents stayed together "for the children" until the last graduated HS. All the children (as adults) expressed a wish for the parents to have broken up way sooner and NOT "stayed together for the kids." It just dragged the misery out.

Because every kid is different and needs different things?

Could reframe the idea to (staying married because you you both really want to be with each other as married people.) Not for other people -- not even your shared children. But because you both really want to be together that way.

And resolve to (parent the kids well because the children need solid parenting). Whether the parents are co-parents and spouses or co-parents and exes. The part the kids need is the "parenting-ness" not the "married-ness."

If your kids are getting the short end of the stick because you are also supporting 4 other people? You may have to accept that your resources are overstretched. And things need to change.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-20-2018 at 04:09 AM.
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  #9  
Old 02-20-2018, 08:55 AM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
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Yes, after three months, they are still in heavy NRE and that might... MIGHT... help explain why your wife is acting kind of borderline blind/cruel towards you right now. (I would have had exactly the same reaction about the wedding ring/tattoo revelation!)

That said... this MAY be a workable situation... once the NRE cools down and if everyone keeps their respective heads and nobody issues knee-jerk ultimatums that can't easily be withdrawn.

As I see it, the biggest problem right now is a LACK OF SPACE - both physical AND emotional. I can imagine that in a one bedroom + office home, there is barely room for yourself, your partner and your kids to comfortable find enough space and alone time (to engage in sex, to study, sleep/nap etc.) - and now a bunch of extra people you hardly know have descended upon you AND your kids. That cannot be good for anyone, despite the best of intentions on the part of your wife.

Basically, the situation - as is - will not be tenable for long. You need to address this issue of home, privacy, space in a calm, clear and civil manner. After all, this is YOUR home too. Your kids' long term wellbeing must be considered (although not used as an "excuse" to EITHER keep a dysfunctional relationship together OR as a red-herring for your own feelings of jealousy/insecurity).

Together, you three adults must renegotiate the boundaries of your relationship/s... and hopefully develop a strategy whereby you can either ALL move to a bigger home, together, or help find suitable, affordable alternative accommodation for the new woman and her kids.
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  #10  
Old 02-21-2018, 03:30 AM
Lovinghusbandforever Lovinghusbandforever is offline
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The overall situation is one of positivity. The kids all love to be around each other. They play and have fun with very little arguing. We play with them often, they're read to every night before bed, and they're constantly smothered in love from us(her kids and ours).

Its just my issues that are the source of the negativity. Which are pretty well contained and being worked on continuously. I still have the will power to keep trying and I honestly feel like there's progress being made.

The choice to stay together IF it goes bad(which, I feel it hasn't yet) is made from my childhood experiences and my wife's. Before my parents split up, it was a warm, loving little family. I still don't even know why they did, both of them won't talk about it. After it happened I was tossed back and for between them for periods of random lengths. When I was with my dad, he was no longer emotionally there for me. No moral support whatsoever. When I was with my mom, she would party all the time and leave me in unfamiliar houses to party elsewhere. Some of which seemed abandoned. It was a nightmare. My wife's experience with parent's divorce was equally as negative. It sounds like divorce isn't always like that, though. I'm just going off of what I know and what I definitely do not want my kids to go through.

As for the space issue, our girlfriend is aware of how tight it is. Therefore, she is planning on buying a fifthwheel/trailer to keep on our property for her kids to have their own space. It sounds like she will be sleeping with them in it as well.

There's obviously lots of work to do on this relationship, but there are steps being taken. I'm definitely considering professional counseling, as it has made huge improvements for me in the past.
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