Possible poly looking for advise, chemistry, love. Trying to define what am I exactly

despacito

New member
Good evening. My name is Ray.
I don't even know where to start. Too many details to share cause if I don't I know I will get the wrong recommendation, and I usually write things wrong online. So I'll try to keep it simple.

I seem to be a poly man trapped in a monogamous relationship... again.

My first mono-relationship was my marriage, which lasted more than 10 years, and was controlled by the strict principles of a specific church. I got out of the church and the marriage. They both made me waste years of my life, where I miss what almost everybody enjoys in life.
My second most amazing relationship has been the one where I am now. Where one could say that I have... "everything". Meaning... a caring woman, a faithful woman, a woman clean of diseases, someone that would give their life for me, selfless, even loves the son I had from my previous marriage.

Problem is, traumas that my current girlfriend went through in her childhood and youth (like being played with sexually by her own older sister by force / also a boyfriend that died in an accident when she was a teen), on top of a 9 year past failed marriage where her ex didn't desire her, have made her a very insecure and jealous person. She wants to be owned. And wants to own her man. For her the idea of sharing her man even with her permission, is totally unacceptable, even though she loves watching videos of threesomes, orgies, etc. According to her, "the more people in the video the better". But in real life, "no one is allowed to even flirt with any of us".

Me on the other hand, have even offer to let her enjoy other men if she desires, because we have a strong relationship. And I trust her not to fall in love with anyone else. Sadly, for her, sex can only exists and be enjoyed when there's feelings. She's a strict monogamist. And I would strongly prefer a life where, even though my woman has all the qualities mentioned above, she and I can be more open minded together and enjoy having fun with other people together. People we can trust won't try to sabotage our relationship and people we can have some level of chemistry with. Could be with love, or just for fun.

Sometimes I've been called a poly, and some other times I've been told I just want to swing. I don't know. People have been pretty mean to me when I try to explain myself. Trying to find the kind of person I want has been frustrating. I've gone to websites like OKCupid, where there are bisexual woman too and looking for men. Sadly, no luck.

Main problem is:
I don't know if I should leave the precious relationship this monogamous girl and I have, and search for what I want to (and most probably never find it cause it took me at least 7 years before I found her -she found me-), or if I should stay with her (like I used to stay with my ex but missing on things I wanted), and hope that at some point in life my mind will not be interested in enjoying and pleasing a variety of women respectfully.

I will probably have a valid argument for almost every recommendation anyone will give me here. And maybe most of what I say here will be misunderstood, like it has in the offline world. But I'll just read the answers you give me and I will chose the best one for me. This website was the last recommendation I received from a new friend. And maybe very deep in my mind I just want to see how many more people like me are out there, and if maybe I have hope of finding someone like I want.
 
Poly/Mono

Welcome,

I am also new to this community and also in a poly/mono situation with a great woman. I'm the poly and she's the mono. She too because of insecurity and deeply held beliefs, she is unwilling to be in a poly relationship.

Polyamory manifests itself for me in the form of romantic feelings as a result of intimacy. This occurs naturally for me from time to time when I get close to a woman. It's happened a couple of time with men, but very rarely. Polyamory feels like my natural orientation and I seem to be unable to change that.

My journey has involved me discovering I was poly through a resource online. I don't even remember what website it was, but as I was reading the description, I felt understood like I had never been before! When I shared my discovery with my wife, I told her that I felt like God had led me there and made this clear for me. I was so grateful. She responded by telling me that God had told her something else.

We tried a broken form of polyamory where she was in charge of the boundaries I put on my other relationships. As anyone with experience will tell you, this leads to nothing but heartache. I also lost my relationship with God.

Now, I'm in the process of slowly putting back together my relationship with God, and trying to see, one last time, if I can live a monogamous lifestyle and be reasonably happy. Like I said earlier, my wife and I have a lot of fun, share similar interests, she supports me professionally and encourages my dreams. She is my best friend and I've invested years.

You said in your post, you felt like you had wasted years of your life. I don't want to lose all I've invested with her. Not when so much works so well.

I don't have any advice for you right now, but I know that you are not alone. I can relate to a lot of what you've said.

My wife and I are reading a book that has a lot of great tools for communication and personal growth in it. The book is called, "Do I Have To Give Up Me, To Be Loved By You" by Jordan and Margaret Paul.

Good luck. I wish the best for the both of you. :)
 
What you are seeking is more in line with swinging or some sort of general non-monogamy. There is nothing wrong with that, except for one thing. Your partner is monogamous. It sounds like you have no wiggle room there, so why are you on OKC? That is hardly ethical.

I know all about denying a part of yourself in order to have a relationship with someone special. In the end that part worked out for me, but that might be an exception to the rule. You will have to decide if this is something you can live without. If you decide to move on, maybe you should clearly define who you want to be before getting into the next relationship.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

I don't know if I should leave the precious relationship this monogamous girl and I have, and search for what I want to (and most probably never find it cause it took me at least 7 years before I found her -she found me-), or if I should stay with her (like I used to stay with my ex but missing on things I wanted), and hope that at some point in life my mind will not be interested in enjoying and pleasing a variety of women respectfully.

Well, only you can decide what you value more at this time.

If you value the freedom to seek a more compatible partner? Then you have to end it with this woman and tell her you will not be keeping agreements any more. Because to be seeking partners behind her back while still with her sounds kinda like cheating on the agreements. That's not being up front. If you do decide to date other people? Be more up front and state you do NOT want monogamy. Then you are no longer "a poly man trapped in a monogamous relationship... again." You are being more vocal about what is you seek and not just falling in with people.

If you value being partnered to THIS partner? Then you stick with the GF you have and give up the idea of having other relationships. Because that's the price of admission to being with her. Your GF is up for watching movies and whatnot, but that's it. No real life dating other people/sex with other people/etc. She is only willing to practice strict monogamy.

I'd suggest some soul searching. If you cannot have both, answer to the higher value.

Galagirl
 
I trust her not to fall in love with anyone else.
Everyone else is spot on, I just want to answer to this line. If you ever want to enter nonmonogamy, please rethink the beliefs that
1) you can keep yourself from falling in love, especially if sex/play is involved
2) outside love has to be detrimental to your relationship.
If you hold these, playing with non-monogamy will be a minefield to you. Some people can hold themselves away from romantic feelings better than others, but everyone can be taken by surprise by a connection developping to their sex partner(s). If you then believe that you have to leave your previous relationship, you're gonna cause much pain.
If you see romantic feelings develop, you can also either cut contact with that person and let them fade, or you can start a new relaitionship while also maintaining love in the old one (entering polyamory), or maybe you can just feel your loving feelings and not intensify the new relationship at all. You've got possibilities how to act, but you can hardly forbid yourself or your gf to fall in love.
 
Gracias todos / Thanks everyone

Bradiance
Thanks for sharing your personal situation. At least in your situation she was able to try some things with some boundaries at some point. In my case, my girl strongly believes that any kind of intimate interaction with anyone we invite home to have fun with is defined as cheating, even with a partner's permission. No matter how much I try to explain that the experience would draw me closer to her than to the other person, her mind is blocked to the idea. Again, thank you for sharing.

visanity0
I agree and I've been between these two decisions for a very long time. We have been to the point of break up at least 6 times in a year and a half but always stay together. When we stay together I strongly start believing that I don't need the "variety" of experiences with others to be happy. But then after some months pass by my feeling of “missing that in my life” starts to hit and I start to think about all the things I missed on in life when I was in a marriage ruled by so many ethical religious principles. As soon as I stepped out of that religion and marriage (at 34) I discovered an amazing world of happiness and satisfaction that people usually enjoy since they are in their teen years. To my embarrassment, I discovered it late in life, wasted a lot of time on religious things that really didn’t bring me happiness. But after I left religion it has been amazing. So my mind constantly asks myself "This one more thing you want in life, this type of relationship (that so many other guys get to have without an effort just cause women find them hot) ... is it really worth it to go through life without it, and then discover 10 or 15 years from now that you wasted time on something that felt valuable, but where you could have this type of experiences and wasted your time? This relationship you have where the boundary is so tight, is it worth loosing it when you will probably won't be able to find someone as caring again in your life before you die?"
You are right, I should not be on OKC. And I deleted my account. Thankfully, cheating is not one of the things I want in life. I feel good that I don’t like to.

Gala Girl
I also agree. Only I can decide what I value more. To be honest, they both have the same value to me and that makes the decision extra difficult. This girl has been the closest to exactly what I want in a woman to such a specific level, she surpassed my ex of 10 year marriage and any other woman after that. I could actually make a long specific list of things I wanted in a woman and she meets 99% of them. But this 1% thing missing eats my mind so strongly that while it's difficult to think I will find anyone as good and caring as her, I don't think I want to go through life without exactly ALL I want. TO make it more difficult,, every time I’ve dated someone after I got divorced, each person has been closer and closer to exactly what I want. This in turns gives me a constant mental hope that if I leave this relationship I could find all in one person. But my mind is also very doubtful. My life has been a constant road of (learning something is right, then having to change it because new knowledge was discovered).
I appreciate your honest input :)

Tinwen
Thank you! :)
I do know that I'm not interested in loving more than one person emotionally, unless of course I was offered to be part of a triad relationship. I would accept it if it was offered to me but I don't necessarily search for it.
I've always known how to separate sex from feelings. I don't fall in love from being sexual with someone. But I do understand your suggestions, cause when one is non-monogamous, there is a chance that -even within a group of polyamorous friends- one will desire to have someone that is emotionally connected to only one, someone who will always be there for one. I understand that. And I think that's the reason why I would prefer to have a strong relationship with someone first and for that someone and me to have fun with others from time to time while maintaining the emotional relationship only between us two. I appreciate your input too :)


***Too all of you that have shared your input here:
I’ve been watching videos, interviews and stories… from couples that have marriages that are like the relationship I would want in my life. Been watching and reading for months. It seems there are many couples (married and not married) that have happily found this type of relationship, are satisfied with each other, are happy, and state that for them this kind of experiences even keep their relationship stronger. Why? Cause they are happy to see that they can do something out-of-the-box to make each other happy. Also, to make it clear, the openness I have asked my girl for is one that I’ve also offered to her in return, so it’s not one way only. She’s different than me in that sense. She believes that intimacy defines who you belong to, and based on the fact that she had a marriage where she was not even desired, she really wants to “belong” to just one man.
To conclude, I just want all to understand that this is not just about my sexual desires, but also about finding someone that while being open minded like me, is also reliable, caring, sincere, mature, with a good heart, romantic, mentally stable, and faithful to keeping the boundaries we set within our openness. I have a big decision to make (which has taken me more than a year to think about), and I appreciate any and all help anyone can offer either here or by PM.
 
Greetings Ray,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you are torn between leaving your girlfriend, or giving up nonmonogamy. It sounds like right now you are looking for other women through OKC. Does your girlfriend know about this? Does she consent to it? If not, then you truly have a dilemma on your hands. You can't just go on like this indefinitely, you have to make a decision. And putting it off will probably make the decision more painful. Don't wait. Decide as soon as you can.

One thing you could do is give nonmonogamy up for a year, then see how you feel. Maybe you won't miss it as much as you'd expect, but if you do find that it's an increasingly painful sacrifice, at least you'll know that breaking up is the thing to do.

Just a thought.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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Welcome aboard!
 
I could actually make a long specific list of things I wanted in a woman and she meets 99% of them. But this 1% thing missing eats my mind so strongly that while it's difficult to think I will find anyone as good and caring as her, I don't think I want to go through life without exactly ALL I want. TO make it more difficult,, every time I’ve dated someone after I got divorced, each person has been closer and closer to exactly what I want. This in turns gives me a constant mental hope that if I leave this relationship I could find all in one person...

The thing is, in polyamory, we are free to form romantic and loving relationships with more than one person. You are not polyamorous it seems, but polysexual. At least so far. You haven't really explored alternative ways of relating all that much. You never know when love might hit.

What you want is to find one loving relationship with one woman, who, whether she is polyamorous, polysexual, or monoamorous, or mongamous, will be fine with you forming friendly, sexual but non-loving relationships.

It is becoming clear as you continue to post, that what you want is a kind of swinging. Experienced partnered swingers work to keep their outside sexual relationships light, to prevent deep feelings from forming. Usually they don't kiss, or look deeply into each others' eyes, or cuddle after sex, or go on non sexual dates... things like that. They are willing to dump a second partner if they find themselves "caring too much" for them.

...I do know that I'm not interested in loving more than one person emotionally, unless of course I was offered to be part of a triad relationship...

I don't know what is "of course" about that! Why does it seem different to you that loving 2 is acceptable in that scenario?

I've always known how to separate sex from feelings. I don't fall in love from being sexual with someone. But I do understand your suggestions, cause when one is non-monogamous, there is a chance that -even within a group of polyamorous friends- one will desire to have someone that is emotionally connected to only one, someone who will always be there for one. I understand that. And I think that's the reason why I would prefer to have a strong relationship with someone first and for that someone and me to have fun with others from time to time while maintaining the emotional relationship only between us two...

i really hope that, if you do decide to leave your girlfriend and continue to explore, that you will find what you are seeking... a new gf who is into being part of a loving couple that is also open to "light" "side relationships." This is not polyamory though, and you won't find like minded people here. Some poly people do have light sort of FWB relationships, some polyamorists also swing, but we are always aware that we might naturally fall in love with more than one partner.

I’ve been watching videos, interviews and stories… from couples that have marriages that are like the relationship I would want in my life. Been watching and reading for months. It seems there are many couples (married and not married) that have happily found this type of relationship, are satisfied with each other, are happy, and state that for them this kind of experiences even keep their relationship stronger. Why? Cause they are happy to see that they can do something out-of-the-box to make each other happy...

I see this is what you want. Maybe, if you take the plunge, you will find a woman open to that, on OKC, or on swinger sites.

she really wants to “belong” to just one man...

In that case, it would be a kindness to set her free, so she isn't "wasting time" as you feel you have done in the past. It would be a kindness, and it would be courageous of you to let her go.

To conclude, I just want all to understand that this is not just about my sexual desires, but also about finding someone that while being open minded like me, is also reliable, caring, sincere, mature, with a good heart, romantic, mentally stable, and faithful to keeping the boundaries we set within our openness. I have a big decision to make (which has taken me more than a year to think about), and I appreciate any and all help anyone can offer either here or by PM.

OK, fine, just beware that at any time, if you find this woman, one or the other of you could potentially fall for a sex partner. It happens all the time. You have to take measures to prevent it from happening.

For polyamorists it is not the end of the world to love more than one. It is not a threat to the first relationship... It is only a threat if you start dating a "cowgirl" who is monogamous and determined to cut you away from your primary partner.

My nesting partner is deeply in love with her bf. She and I have been together 8+ years. She and he have been together about 4 years. I feel completely unthreatened by his role in her life. He provides a range of different kinds of experiences and support that it isn't in my nature to provide. She is fulfilled by having us both. And while I do not have a serious other relationship right now, I have in the past, and my gf was nothing but happy for me.
 
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