Confused/New "Relationship"

Cereal

New member
Hello!

I am very very new to the concept of poly although I've probably been poly all my life, meaning, I do think it suits me. I haven't read much and I don't really know if my story is poly, but I do know, after lurking on the boards, that people will relate to it. So here it goes.

Pretty simple story. Met a guy online, connection was immediate, things progressed very fast sexually. Our conversations found us having a lot in common as well. I am falling for him and he feels the same. He suggested a threesome, I accepted as it's something I've always wanted to do and who to do it better than with someone you are not in love with right?Low chances of getting confused. (I'm starting to see where I'm wrong) So we are planning on having one. I really want to do this and I am pretty excited about it as well, but the other day jealousy hit. I mean I barely know this man, that's why I am confused. I am trying not to get attached more, until we get to know each other better and see that it's worth it.

I apologise if my thoughts are scattered, it's part of the reason I came online, to find help to straighten them out! Basically I'm afraid of losing what I don't even have yet? I know jealousy is 99% our own insecurities, so that's not exactly my problem here. My problem is, am I just mono or is it normal to feel this way specially in the beginning? I want him to be happy and speaking in general terms, I'd love to be with someone and for both of us to have our freedom sexually. I want a relationship in where everyone is free to do as they please, but I like that strong connection, I believe it's called, the "primary" relationship. I know many don't like that term, and I was one of them, but I think it's a good way to progress in the beginning, as a poly and it is easier for the society we live in.

Again, my thoughts are everywhere. So back to the problem. Should I tell him? I haven't sorted out exactly what I feel and why and I usually avoid conversations before that's happened. But, should I just tell him that I feel jealous? I mean, we've only admitted that we like each other, there were no forever vows, if you know what I mean, it's way too soon for anything more that "I like you". Maybe it's way too soon for a trio too? Or is the timing ideal for it? It's not that I'm green out of jealousy, it's just that I realised that I want the "primary" dynamic. I want us to have a special relationship in the beginning and build up from there. Is that so bad?

Ok i'm going to stop writing as it's starting to turn into mumbling. Im sure most can relate, looking forward to answers and help! Thank you for reading!
 
"Doing a threesome" with some guy you barely know, but like, isn't polyamory. Don't forget the "amory" part, love.

If you want to have a fun sexual threeway sex scene with a man who is still basically a fun stranger, and some other woman (I assume) who isn't even found yet, fine. It's a choice you can make, to explore, to experiment. But it's not polyamory.

If it feels too soon, perhaps it is. Perhaps you want to wait on this experiment until you know him better, and trust him more.

You seem afraid that this hypothetical woman will steal him away from you. Jealousy is often based in fear of loss. Even if she doesn't steal his heart, she will require attention from him. Watching them do sexual things should be a turn on for you, in the voyeuristic sense. Isn't that a big goal of threeway sex? If imagining seeing that just stirs up fear in you, and not lust, you're probably not ready.

And your fear doesn't prove one way or the other that you are polyamorous or not. You are just afraid of the unknown.

Is this woman picked out, or will there be a process to find her? Is your new bf experienced in threeway sex? Will he be sensitive to your needs during the act, or will he get distracted by the new woman and leave you feeling left out?

Just some things to consider.
 
They know better

I wanted to reply, but knew someone with more experience would come through and they DID! Thanks Magdlyn.
If you are already feeling insecure and trying too find labels (primary/secondary) I feel you are setting yourself up for a heartbreak.
Triads are challenging when organically grown, this seems more challenging than that! Whatever you decide to do take care of yourself FIRST!
 
Thank you both for your replies! They are already helping!
True, it isn't polyamory. At first I thought of it as a good chance to experiment on something I always wanted to and to answer the other question, it really turns me on to think of him with another woman; if it didn't, I'd probably be forcing myself into a three way which no one should ever do!He is experienced and from what I take he seems fair.

I guess what the problem is , is that I am starting to have feelings for him and this confuses things for me.
I've only been in monogamous relationships up til now. I realised, after my last relationship that I am very interested in polyamorous relationships as I see the monogamous ones all around me being fake. My ex cheated on me, I cheated on him too and instead of working on our needs, we just swore it won't happen again and continued our "happy" relationship. I'm pretty sure it happened on his side again, and I can say I did have thoughts about doing it again too. Where's the truth in that? I want a relationship that I can always be able to be honest, talk about our needs etc. For the record, I didn't break up with my ex because of that.

From what I understand most poly relationships start with a couple right? That's why I brought in the Primary/secondary labels. I do like the idea though of one couple being the primary one, but then that really ruins the whole picture right? I mean If there is a "main " couple, then nothing's being truly shared right? Isn't that just an open relationship that just involves love too? How can it involve love though, if one partner is sort of committed to the "primary" one already? I shall do more reading.

I will indeed take care of myself first! Best advice! It''s funny but sometimes we get caught up in all the love and feel obliged to put our partners needs over ours. I won't!

**edit to add: Magdlyn mentioned him being distracted by the "new woman". I can't stress how new this thing is! I'm new for him too. I just saw where this might be going and I felt the need to post here to straighten my thoughts. I am really excited to enter the poly world, even if this guy isn't the one i'll enter it with. He is the first that is so close though.
It may be too soon. I might tell him for us to slow down a bit. I do feel the need to get to know him better before we jump in to this. But is that me talking, or my past self?
 
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Forgot

I just realised I forgot to talk about the insecurity I felt. Maybe I just feel a bit insecure because I don't even know where we stand. I feel the connection, I know he's feeling it too, but that's not enough. We need time and we need to talk about it at some point to. So it is wise for you guys to tell me to take it slow.
 
You might find it worthwhile to read about Solo Poly.

Excellent read!

"I’m an individual who has important and open intimate relationships with other individuals, when it feels right."
Isn't that just being single? That's definitely similar to what Im doing now. I haven't had anyone that important in my life to be dependent on (the years I've been doing this), but I don't really think I'll ever want to. Mostly the dependent part. I do want to have someone I can turn to etc.
 
Greetings Cereal,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It's probably a bit too soon to be planning a threesome; however, do communicate with the online guy and let him know what you are experiencing, in the feelings department. Have you met him in person yet? I'm thinking that should happen a number of times before anything else occurs.

Keep posting here as your situation evolves, as that will help us be able to give you more/updated advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Isn't that just being single?
I'm coming up on my 6th anniversary with one BF in a month, so no. I can turn to him if I need to, but prefer to maintain my independence. Do you only consider yourself to be not single when you're living with someone and have merged your finances?
 
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I really am starting to see the need to slow down a bit.Fortunately the jealousy has left me, but probably because all these other thoughts came into the picture. What do I want from him? What do I want from me? Can I handle this? And most of all the thought of having no answers and and actually being ok with that. That's the best one yet.

We have met, not as much as we wanted to though. We live in different cities. I am building up the courage to tell him how I feel, even if its way too early. I want to have a relationship based on being able to talk. Even if this one doesn't turn out well, at least i'll have laid out the foundations of communication within me. We have talked about are needs etc, we just haven't defined anything yet, so I think we're on a good track.

I can handle a threesome if it's just about sex even this soon in. If it was an attempt for a triad, I don't think I could. Like someone mentioned previously, triads which are grown organically are a challenge, this would be even harder. So true!


I'm coming up on my 6th anniversary with one BF in a month, so no. I can turn to him if I need to, but prefer to maintain my independence. Do you only consider yourself to be not single when you're living with someone and have merged your finances?

If I celebrate anniversaries, no , I don't consider myself single, even if we're not living together, unless, I'm celebrating another anniversary with someone else at the same time. Truth be told, I've never actually done anniversaries in my mono relationships. I love my independence and try to preserve it as much as I can and I love for my partner to have that to. This is mainly why I'm turning to poly. I see personal growth and happiness in it.

Besides anniversaries, what's the difference of a solo poly having a number of partners against a single person enjoying lovers? Is the line just to thin?
 
Besides anniversaries, what's the difference of a solo poly having a number of partners against a single person enjoying lovers? Is the line just too thin?

The difference, as I see it, is that you tell each person you are dating that you are also dating another person(s), and you do not plan to be monogamous with any of them.

Single monogamous people usually date with the intent of finding The One, at which point it is understood they are off the market, should take down their dating profiles, etc., etc.

Even if you are a serial monogamist, and only see one person for a few months or a couple years (generally until NRE fades), that is different too.

Even if you feel independent, and live alone, you can feel a degree of commitment with each lover.

So. I am partnered, but if I were single, I could date Tom, Mary and Greg. Maybe one is in my town, one is a half hour away, one is so far I need to fly to see them. Each partner would know about the others (and if any of them are poly, I would also know about their other partners). We might even go out as a V, ie: me and Tom and Mary. But I would live alone, or with roommates. I would have a degree of commitment with each person. But I would not necessarily have an expectation of riding the "relationship escalator" to the top. I would not plan to dump 2 of the three so I could move in with one, meet their friends and family, share finances, plan on children and pets together and retirement plans, etc etc.

In my case, I have a "nesting partner," Pixi. We moved in together after 3 years of dating. We both have almost always had one or two other partners that we have no desire to live with. The other partners might be single, mono, poly, in a LTR, or what have you. Single but mono. Single but poly. Partnered or married and poly. You name it.

Pixi has a bf she's been seeing for 4 years. At this point they have grown so close she thinks of his house as being her other home. They generally spend one overnight and one other evening together. But they don't share finances. I've never met him! She hasn't met his friends or family.

In other words, whether you are partnered or independent poly, you can shape your relationship(s) as you wish. You can ride the relationship escalator as quickly or slowly as you wish. You can get off at any floor you want. It isn't all leading to The Ring and the marriage and kids, necessarily (unless you and your partner want that). You might eventually marry one lover and do a handfasting with the other, and feel as committed as can be, doing legal manouvres to make sure the handfasted one is able to inherit from you, visit you in the hospital, maybe be have shared custody of children.

Hope this helps!
 
That's actually very thorough! Thank you! It is more clearer! So i do have multiple partners, they know that the other exist (no details) but I can't call them relationships. I wouldn't call any of them in a moment of crisis. I do tell the men I meet that I am polygamous.


Back to my main concern. I talked to the guy and told him that I really like him and don't want to proceed so fast. He understood. Didn't say anything similar, which I have to confess I am a tad disappointed. This just happened so I feel pretty down, but liberated. It's nice being honest.

I truly do want to proceed in experimenting with others, even going for a triad etc, I just want to give time for us. This is the right way to go right? I know you agree, I just need more reassurance apparently. I don't feel like it's my monogamous past speaking.

Well thanks for reading, it's so nice having a safe place to talk about this!
 
That's actually very thorough! Thank you! It is more clearer! So i do have multiple partners, they know that the other exist (no details) but I can't call them relationships. I wouldn't call any of them in a moment of crisis.

Well yeah, if you've only been seeing a partner (or even a new friend) for a few weeks, they aren't that trusted friend you'd call in a crisis... but you might get there eventually.

Personally, I like to have a bf who can lift heavy stuff for me, and drive a nail or hang a light fixture or a shelf, haha. But you can't ask that of them after just a couple dates. However, some men are handy and like to be helpful, and so I feel OK asking them for help around the house.

I do tell the men I meet that I am polygamous.

Polyamorous. Good. But since this might be a new concept to them, you need to tell them what being poly means. And since poly is a big open area, and each of us practices it differently, it might take time for a new partner to truly understand what this relationship style is all about; what it means to YOU, and how they need to behave.

Back to my main concern. I talked to the guy and told him that I really like him and don't want to proceed so fast. He understood. Didn't say anything similar, which I have to confess I am a tad disappointed. This just happened so I feel pretty down, but liberated. It's nice being honest.

OK. He's allowed to have his feelings. Maybe he wanted to move "faster" than you, ie: suggesting the threesome. Maybe he thinks poly means group sex. Maybe he thinks a poly woman is open to "anything" sexually. Some mono people do have that impression about poly women-- that we're all sluts, who will be open to just about any sexual act. Pfft. Just not true. Glad you told him you weren't comfortable with that.

I truly do want to proceed in experimenting with others, even going for a triad etc, I just want to give time for us. This is the right way to go right? I know you agree, I just need more reassurance apparently. I don't feel like it's my monogamous past speaking.

You have a right to do anything you want, or not do anything you want. Your body, your choice.

Even a triad needn't be a goal. Triads are HARD. And they can't be forced. It either happens that another woman is attracted to both of you, or not. And even if she is, she may not want to have threeway sex, and just keep it to one on one. Her body, her choice.

Well thanks for reading, it's so nice having a safe place to talk about this!

Keep posting. It's a big learning curve, and I find it helps clarify one's thoughts to type it out.
 
Thank you so much for your replay! I do need someone to talk to right now!

Well yeah, if you've only been seeing a partner (or even a new friend) for a few weeks, they aren't that trusted friend you'd call in a crisis... but you might get there eventually.

I do like how some of the "relationships"I have are progressing very slow. They probably won't go anywhere, but I sure have made more friends, and that is somewhere, come to think of it!

Personally, I like to have a bf who can lift heavy stuff for me, and drive a nail or hang a light fixture or a shelf, haha. But you can't ask that of them after just a couple dates. However, some men are handy and like to be helpful, and so I feel OK asking them for help around the house.

Fortunately, I'm pretty good around the house, so no worries there! haha!




Polyamorous. Good. But since this might be a new concept to them, you need to tell them what being poly means. And since poly is a big open area, and each of us practices it differently, it might take time for a new partner to truly understand what this relationship style is all about; what it means to YOU, and how they need to behave.

I actually tell them polygamous as a) You are right, I don't think they will understand polyamorous and mainly b) I don't think I am practicing it fully nor understand it myself yet!




OK. He's allowed to have his feelings. Maybe he wanted to move "faster" than you, ie: suggesting the threesome. Maybe he thinks poly means group sex. Maybe he thinks a poly woman is open to "anything" sexually. Some mono people do have that impression about poly women-- that we're all sluts, who will be open to just about any sexual act. Pfft. Just not true. Glad you told him you weren't comfortable with that.

You have a right to do anything you want, or not do anything you want. Your body, your choice.

Even a triad needn't be a goal. Triads are HARD. And they can't be forced. It either happens that another woman is attracted to both of you, or not. And even if she is, she may not want to have threeway sex, and just keep it to one on one. Her body, her choice.

We talked about poly previously and he sort of gets it and actually wants it from what I get from what he tells me about his needs.He is probably just like me, pretty new to the concept. I feel great about telling him too. I mean it's sad that he probably doesn't feel the same, but as you said, he has the right to his feelings to. I just felt like we were pushing a triad on us and that just can't happen this fast, for me at least.

Again, I still want to have a threeway with him, but it has to be just about the sex (for now). I have to feel connected to him and that we'rein this together; that I'm not a third wheel. That what we have would grow after that, not diminish. I can see me (or us even) in the future looking for a third or even fourth, I just need that connection. I didn't mean to feel this way, I just do and again, I feel pretty great I told him this. If he gets so scared easily, it wasn't meant to be.



Keep posting. It's a big learning curve, and I find it helps clarify one's thoughts to type it out.

Thank you! I will, it IS a BIG help!! And indeed a big learning curve! Even with this small experience of mine, I feel like I'm making progress!
 
Using the term polygamous is misleading, however, if you are polyamorous.

Gamos is a Greek word meaning marriage. It should be reserved for people who are married to more than one person. In our country, polygamy is illegal.

Polyamory is a new word made up of the Greek word poly, meaning more than one, and the Latin word for love, amor.

Since all your relationships are new, you are nowhere near marriage with anyone. You may fall in love with one or more of your partners. You are open to love. Therefore you are polyamorous.

I hear you're very interested in FMF sex, with no "feelings" or "love" allowed between you and the woman, or between your male partner and this hypothetical woman. How do you propose to prevent love happening?

Would you be interested in just dating a woman on your own, with love allowed to happen?
 
Thank you for the clarification! Had no idea!

About the fmf, I am interested in it with feelings and without. Let me explain. If I had no feelings for someone and we were to do that, there would be no problem whatsoever. That was my plan. If I have feelings for someone and we jump into it too fast, I wouldn't feel comfortable with it as I want to know where we stand first. That's why I felt uncomfortable with this situation. I know that it's probably infatuation, but still, that hurts too.

How will I prevent love happening? I can't and I am aware of that, I just want to feel secure with my feelings first. I don't think I'll have a problem if a future partner falls in love with someone else as long as we continue to have what we'll have. That's the point right? For all to enjoy their freedom and at the same time their relationships? Isn't that what jealousy is about? The fear of losing someone? I've found that the best way to beat it is to love yourself. You lose the need of needing someone, bam, jealousy is gone. But, we're humans, noone can be that perfect and sometimes it's just nice needing someone and other times it's necessary. To be honest it may be boring not to have any sort of jealousy whatsoever. I wish for our society to come to that, but I most likely won't. And I have to embrace that.

I've thought about having a relationship with a woman too, I haven't fallen for one yet. I'm exploring that side of me now too.
 
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I think I scared him off. If this is the case I don't know why. We've already admitted that we like each other that wasn't new. The only thing I added was I want to get to know you better before we proceed. I know it was too soon, but so was the threeway. Well, I feel a bit sad. I know that I've done the right thing and even if I wrote it down differently, it probably wouldn't change anything, I just don't like the fact that he hasn't contacted me yet. Then again, that is too soon too. He needs time also, I get that. I do believe that if he felt the same he'd probably confess too, like he did the other time, but life's not perfect, maybe this time he needs time to think about it.

Most importantly I can't figure out exactly what I want. Writing it down here definitely helps me get there. I really want to do the threeway with him if it's just about the sex, but when he talks about a triad, I feel it's way too soon. I don't even love him yet, how could I participate in a triad so fast too? I felt pressured, that's it. And of course I am not neglecting the fact that triads are nearly impossible, this is just hypothetical. I don't like that he's looking for a third when I don't even know where we stand. That's it. Yeah. So question is, is he looking for a third to love and cherish or just for the sex and I just misunderstood it? He has told me that we'll do this only if I'm ok with it. Another reason why I'm confused as to why he hasn't contacted me yet.
So again, as Magdelyn asked me something similar, what if he is looking for love, what's the problem? Shouldn't be a problem. I mean, I like him he likes me and we would enjoy a fantasy of ours, so what if he falls for the other girl too? Well if he falls for the other girl too, then ok, if he replaces me , that's what I want to avoid, but can I? No. The only thing I can prepare for this is me. Noone else. That's the only thing I have control over.
This feels much better. I think I figured it out. Did I just ruin it by confessing feelings and asking to slow down? Maybe, but if so, he's easy to scare and we don't want that right?

It's not that I want to marry him or anything, heck I don't even know him, I just had to tell him how I felt, even if it was too soon. Basically it's a crush. It's weird, everything seemed to be going smoothly. Maybe I'm just impatient and he'll contact me sooner rather than later.
/end of mumbling
 
Hi Cereal,

Sorry he has not contacted you yet, I hope he will soon. Rather than wait, would you perhaps want to go ahead and contact him? Just so the two of you could talk and communicate.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
IMO, the poly person isn't shopping for (or biding time for) their One True Love: they intend to continue having (at least the avenue for) multiple intimate relationships.

Singles aren't either. At least that's my take. Maybe this just proves to me that I'm ready for poly,or always was.

Hi Cereal,

Sorry he has not contacted you yet, I hope he will soon. Rather than wait, would you perhaps want to go ahead and contact him? Just so the two of you could talk and communicate.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Excellent question. I was ready to answer you and he contacted me. So I'm happy,but I will still answer as it was a lovely question and I was struggling on it.

I hate games, but to be honest I don't know where the borders of mindgames and logic lay. At first I didn't want to contact him as I still wasn't clear as to what I want. Once I almost figured that out I felt like it's his "turn" to communicate as I just confronted him with something important in my eyes. I felt that if I texted him first, it would give him the upper hand etc,we all know the drill unfortunately. Then, I thought that it's a mind game itself. If I don't want an "upper hand/lower hand"relationship then I should not act like I'm in one. So I decided that when I feel like I want to text him, I would. Fortunately,he texted me. I still want to view it as random timing but I have to admit it made me happy. It was a casual text and I answered accordingly. We'll see. I will keep you posted, you're a big help!

I have to say I'm extremely happy for finding this forum,it's exactly what I needed to continue growing!
 
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