Confused/New "Relationship"

I'm glad to hear that he texted you ... and that the forum has helped so far. I do agree with you that you should text him when you feel like texting.
 
Hello again.
I've been struggling to post a thread about this.

Long story short, I backed out on a specific girl we found for a threesome and now he's disappointed. Good thing is we're talking about it, that's why the situation is always changing. Long nice talks. At first he seemed to be very respectful and understanding, but now I'm not sure if that was because he just didn't understand that I want to cancel it completely with her. Now that he did, he got disappointed. I'm not contacting til he figures that out. So that just leaves me here with my thoughts.

I'm still considering going on with it, but I most likely won't. Not with this girl. I didn't really like her but mostly, I don't want a girl we both don't know. I don't want him to be excited about her too. Does that make sense? Is this simple jealousy or perfectly normal? I know it's normal for him to be disappointed or mad or frustrated (short term), but if he can't get over it, this will show me that he is more into the threesome than into me and that will be the end.

I realised also that I'm probably not ready for poly. I am more open for an open relationship maybe. On the other had, a threesome is totally different than a poly relationship I think, right? Isn't the balance different? I don't really care if he's with someone right now, he can do whatever he wants, but having them both in bed is different right?

I'm still confused. Is there a point where you know that you're not just made for this/ I still think I am, I just need to live it. Even if this one doesn't have the patience, I want to experiment with others.
 
It's not a big deal that you backed out. Who wants to have sex with someone they are just not feeling it with. No big deal. It's also no big deal that he is disappointed. That is normal to be disappointed when something doesn't go the way you want, right?

Yes, it's jealousy. Why wouldn't he be excited. That is kind of the whole point. So what is making you feel jealous? Or is it just not a turn on? I don't get turned on seeing a partner with another guy. I'm not sure I'd call that jealousy.

Don't make a game of withholding something your partner likes as a test to see if they "really love" you or not. You are either into it or not. If not, tell him so he can look for that elsewhere if he needs to.

You are correct. A threesome has nothing to do with poly. It's more of a kink. There is no shame in not being into threesomes. If he is only looking to do threesomes and you are not into it then the two of you are not compatible. If he can deal with having vanilla sex with you and maybe doing threesomes with someone else, then maybe a poly relationship would work with him.
 
Hi Cereal,

It sounds like you're just trying to get things figured out right now. I don't blame you for backing out on the recent girl, you have to find someone you both can be comfortable with. I'm sure a threesome is different from poly, in that, poly has more of an emotional connection.

If a point comes where you know that you are just not made for this, you'll know. There's nothing wrong with wanting to experiment with others.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
It's not a big deal that you backed out. Who wants to have sex with someone they are just not feeling it with. No big deal. It's also no big deal that he is disappointed. That is normal to be disappointed when something doesn't go the way you want, right?

Yes, it's jealousy. Why wouldn't he be excited. That is kind of the whole point. So what is making you feel jealous? Or is it just not a turn on? I don't get turned on seeing a partner with another guy. I'm not sure I'd call that jealousy.

Don't make a game of withholding something your partner likes as a test to see if they "really love" you or not. You are either into it or not. If not, tell him so he can look for that elsewhere if he needs to.

You are correct. A threesome has nothing to do with poly. It's more of a kink. There is no shame in not being into threesomes. If he is only looking to do threesomes and you are not into it then the two of you are not compatible. If he can deal with having vanilla sex with you and maybe doing threesomes with someone else, then maybe a poly relationship would work with him.

I do understand his disappointment of course! What I don't like is that he is pressuring me so much. I am not withholding this from him and I am really into it. I don't like games. I actually get turned on by seeing a partner with another woman,but I haven't done it yet! Thing is, this is so new with the guy and I have developed feelings for him. I want to be sure we're on the same page first, that's all. I find that so simple. After that, we can do anything together and I'll be as excited as he is, possibly more. Him pressuring me this much just shows me that he cares more about the threesomes than how I feel and that's not ok, not when he has showed that he probably shares the same feelings. (Note: we're long distance, how sure can you be?) If he was clear about this being just sex etc, that would be perfect. In my book, when you care about someone you respect them. Right now I feel like I'm being used and that's a HUGE red flag.



Hi Cereal,

It sounds like you're just trying to get things figured out right now. I don't blame you for backing out on the recent girl, you have to find someone you both can be comfortable with. I'm sure a threesome is different from poly, in that, poly has more of an emotional connection.

If a point comes where you know that you are just not made for this, you'll know. There's nothing wrong with wanting to experiment with others.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Thanks, It's nice to realize I'm not being paranoid. I've been under pressure a lot about this and I hate it. The more he pushes, the further I go.
 
I do understand his disappointment of course! What I don't like is that he is pressuring me so much. I am not withholding this from him and I am really into it. I don't like games. I actually get turned on by seeing a partner with another woman,but I haven't done it yet! Thing is, this is so new with the guy and I have developed feelings for him. I want to be sure we're on the same page first, that's all. I find that so simple. After that, we can do anything together and I'll be as excited as he is, possibly more. Him pressuring me this much just shows me that he cares more about the threesomes than how I feel and that's not ok, not when he has showed that he probably shares the same feelings. (Note: we're long distance, how sure can you be?) If he was clear about this being just sex etc, that would be perfect. In my book, when you care about someone you respect them. Right now I feel like I'm being used and that's a HUGE red flag.





Thanks, It's nice to realize I'm not being paranoid. I've been under pressure a lot about this and I hate it. The more he pushes, the further I go.

Thanks for clarifying. That does sound like a huge PITA to have to deal with. That definitely shows you no respect. Very similar to date rape in trying to wear you down like that.
 
Thanks for clarifying. That does sound like a huge PITA to have to deal with. That definitely shows you no respect. Very similar to date rape in trying to wear you down like that.

Yes it was a PITA (had to google it lol). I say was as we talked about it and I finally think he got it. He seems to be ok with it. Time will tell. I just hope that his persistence was indeed because he thought I wanted this as much and not because he's trying to wear me down. He has said repeatedly that we both must want it or else it's no fun. Another time we talked about it he immediately asked if I wanted to cancel it and was ready to do so. I can't blame him completely as I was still trying to figure out my feelings so I was constantly changing my mind. Maybe what I really wanted to hear the first time I had cold feet was "let's cancel it"..Which come to think of I did hear it but I said not yet. So you see there's always another side. Well now that I officially canceled it, the truth will shine.

I've already have had a manipulating guy in my life, I am not willing to get involved with another. This is why I am so cautious about his motives etc. Otherwise he seems in general, genuinely nice, I just can't be 100% sure because I have to see him in real life.

About the poly situation, yes I've thought about him being a poly partner and us enjoying the threesome kink together, that is still a possibility. I still think this lifestyle is for me, but as all beginnings are hard, so is this one I think.

Really good thing I'm getting out of this is I'm learning to state what I want with honesty.
 
Re:
"Really good thing I'm getting out of this is I'm learning to state what I want with honesty."

That's really cool.
 
Back
Top