Some background. My husband of 25+ years and I are newer to recreational FWB full swap swinging, about 8 months. We are very clear that this is an activity we do together. We are both agreed that we will not form feelings of romantic "love" for our swinging partners. It's been a very fun time so far. We have young kids together and have never strayed before.
Husband recently came clean that he's betrayed me with (at the very least) an emotional affair with his longtime coworker (he was the boss, she subordinate). When he had to let her go from the job, he says he "realized" he had feelings of love for her. It's my guess that it's also "ok" now as he wasn't in a position of power over her to admit this. Rather than come to me with those feelings he went directly to her. (What was the goal of doing this? I imagine the hope of acting upon these feelings although both say they did not.) She reciprocated his feelings of love but said that she could not see having an affair end well and that she had too much respect for me and his and my relationship to do that. I'm feeling very betrayed and furiously angry at my husband. I'm mad at her but not like I am with him. I do not trust either of them.
We made our usual vacation plans this past summer. My husband asked what I thought of inviting H and her kids, especially since they'd never had a vacation for the fun if it. Her husband died a few years prior to this. I've always liked H and her kids. They've come to birthday parties and Christmas stuff with us. They're a lot of fun and get on well with our family. I was excited and happy to invite them! We all had the most wonderful vacation. It was super easy and fluid, the best of company, fun and relaxation for all. Husband and H took daily morning walks while I exercised in the AC gym. I thought nothing of it as I trusted them both. We joked before vacation and during that it was like having the best parts of a "sister wife" polygamous type family, helping with domestic stuff and sharing the responsibilities and load of kids, but no sex/relationship jealousy (I was the only one having sex with my husband). We arrived home much refreshed from what I will admit had been the best vacation ever. The day after getting home I half jokingly half in seriousness asked hubby what he thought of asking H to join us in a threesome. Did he think she was attractive, (I do) etc. After a long pause he said we needed to talk about some things. He then revealed his feelings for H and hers for him. That he thought they could put those feelings aside but being on vacation brought it all to a forefront, and they had not diminished. I felt triplelly betrayed, hurt and foolish. 1. He loved another 2. He went to her with these feelings first and 3. He asked her on OUR vacation knowing all this and 4. didn't share this knowledge with me prior to. He went on to share his (and hers I'm to find out) fantasy of all living together and sharing the responsibilities of 2 households under one roof. Basically a polyamorous relationship. I feel VERY conflicted about everything. I still like H and still love my husband deeply. I'm EXTREMELY angry about all the betrayal and have little to no trust in either of them. I don't know what to do about this situation. I swing from wanting her to go away completely (please move to the other side of the country!), to taking our kids and divorcing him, to work things out and welcoming her into a poly relationship. I've talked face to face with H. She too is conflicted about everything with no clear direction. I believe that a poly relationship is what husband wants, he says so and is very interested in exploring and learning about it. (LOL, he's probably reading this now!) To complicate matters we still see H and her kids as we've planned outings together. I'll admit the outings are fun and only slightly strained. I wish husband had had a one time hookup rather than an emotional affair with H, I feel it would be easier for me to deal with. I feel like this isn't a problem I created yet here it is heaped upon me. I feel like I've lost our relationship, that it will never be the same again. I'm still in disbelief that he's let himself fall in love with another, that he didn't cherish our relationship enough to guard against something like this. I'm very emotional and have been crying off and on for the last month when the kids aren't around. I'm so angry and hurt! I want him to feel the pain that I feel, the black hole running right through my chest, to do something to cause those feelings in him. I've told him all this and he says he understands my feelings. He says he's sorry for not telling me sooner, for not coming to me right away but is not remorseful for loving her.
He and I are currently in counseling together. I'd love any and all thoughts on how to resolve all this, to help take my pain and anger away, to save our marriage. Any possible scenarios on how to work this out. The funny thing is, I think if polyamory had been something we talked about and eased into TOGETHER, that I *might* have been on board. Now I feel like it'd be giving in to their bad behavior.
Husband recently came clean that he's betrayed me with (at the very least) an emotional affair with his longtime coworker (he was the boss, she subordinate). When he had to let her go from the job, he says he "realized" he had feelings of love for her. It's my guess that it's also "ok" now as he wasn't in a position of power over her to admit this. Rather than come to me with those feelings he went directly to her. (What was the goal of doing this? I imagine the hope of acting upon these feelings although both say they did not.) She reciprocated his feelings of love but said that she could not see having an affair end well and that she had too much respect for me and his and my relationship to do that. I'm feeling very betrayed and furiously angry at my husband. I'm mad at her but not like I am with him. I do not trust either of them.
We made our usual vacation plans this past summer. My husband asked what I thought of inviting H and her kids, especially since they'd never had a vacation for the fun if it. Her husband died a few years prior to this. I've always liked H and her kids. They've come to birthday parties and Christmas stuff with us. They're a lot of fun and get on well with our family. I was excited and happy to invite them! We all had the most wonderful vacation. It was super easy and fluid, the best of company, fun and relaxation for all. Husband and H took daily morning walks while I exercised in the AC gym. I thought nothing of it as I trusted them both. We joked before vacation and during that it was like having the best parts of a "sister wife" polygamous type family, helping with domestic stuff and sharing the responsibilities and load of kids, but no sex/relationship jealousy (I was the only one having sex with my husband). We arrived home much refreshed from what I will admit had been the best vacation ever. The day after getting home I half jokingly half in seriousness asked hubby what he thought of asking H to join us in a threesome. Did he think she was attractive, (I do) etc. After a long pause he said we needed to talk about some things. He then revealed his feelings for H and hers for him. That he thought they could put those feelings aside but being on vacation brought it all to a forefront, and they had not diminished. I felt triplelly betrayed, hurt and foolish. 1. He loved another 2. He went to her with these feelings first and 3. He asked her on OUR vacation knowing all this and 4. didn't share this knowledge with me prior to. He went on to share his (and hers I'm to find out) fantasy of all living together and sharing the responsibilities of 2 households under one roof. Basically a polyamorous relationship. I feel VERY conflicted about everything. I still like H and still love my husband deeply. I'm EXTREMELY angry about all the betrayal and have little to no trust in either of them. I don't know what to do about this situation. I swing from wanting her to go away completely (please move to the other side of the country!), to taking our kids and divorcing him, to work things out and welcoming her into a poly relationship. I've talked face to face with H. She too is conflicted about everything with no clear direction. I believe that a poly relationship is what husband wants, he says so and is very interested in exploring and learning about it. (LOL, he's probably reading this now!) To complicate matters we still see H and her kids as we've planned outings together. I'll admit the outings are fun and only slightly strained. I wish husband had had a one time hookup rather than an emotional affair with H, I feel it would be easier for me to deal with. I feel like this isn't a problem I created yet here it is heaped upon me. I feel like I've lost our relationship, that it will never be the same again. I'm still in disbelief that he's let himself fall in love with another, that he didn't cherish our relationship enough to guard against something like this. I'm very emotional and have been crying off and on for the last month when the kids aren't around. I'm so angry and hurt! I want him to feel the pain that I feel, the black hole running right through my chest, to do something to cause those feelings in him. I've told him all this and he says he understands my feelings. He says he's sorry for not telling me sooner, for not coming to me right away but is not remorseful for loving her.
He and I are currently in counseling together. I'd love any and all thoughts on how to resolve all this, to help take my pain and anger away, to save our marriage. Any possible scenarios on how to work this out. The funny thing is, I think if polyamory had been something we talked about and eased into TOGETHER, that I *might* have been on board. Now I feel like it'd be giving in to their bad behavior.