HELP! Husband of 25+ years in love with former colleague, wants poly relationship

Sorry Autumn, I don't see it as a huge breach of trust. He didn't act on it. He may have very well struggled with the thoughts, but kept it to himself. How many people are in LTR and can talk to their SO about that? When he hit a point that he could safely talk to his wife, Boom, a fight? Until my present wife I had had poly feelings that I did not understand, she is the first woman I can honestly talk too, I cherish that.

From my read of her first post, he approached the other woman about having an affair, they decided against it, but then they spent a lot of close emotional time together on a joint vacation, and when she asked her husband if anything was happening, he lied to her.

She viewed that as a huge breach of trust, and I agree. He did take actions here, it wasn't limited to just feelings. If I was in her shoes, I'd feel betrayed and hurt. Not because he fell in love, but because he lied to her about it and pursued it without her knowledge.

He didn't have to tell her his feelings and start a fight, but if he was going that route he also didn't have to take any actions in pursuit of the other woman. And he didn't have to lie. I'm not saying he's a bad guy, and I'm sure he felt his actions were justified (duh) but I can at least see that part of why she'd feel hurt and betrayed. Hope that helps explain my position!
 
I want to thank everyone for their thoughts on our problem and my feelings surrounding it. I appreciate the perspective and it has been helpful (not that I don't still have questions though!). I have a few people to respond to and will as I have time today.
 
Hi Slyfox,

Just so I've got the narrative straight ... the coworker your husband was crushing on ... and H ... are the same person, is that right?

As for advice, I think really you just have to give it some time. Your feelings will probably get less stressful eventually. In the meantime, it's probably useful to learn and study more about polyamory, both on this forum and in books such as More than Two and Opening Up.

I'll continue to follow this thread and see if there's anything else I can think of.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Update from OP

Just following up. Counseling is going well. Between sessions talk and feelings are up and down, feels a bit like a roller coaster LOL. I love him so much and want to be with him the rest of my life, he says the same. I'm getting past my hurt, trying to look forward. I'm still trying to figure out how to trust him completely again. Before this revelation I had complete trust in him. After I find myself wondering who he's texting, emailing and meeting. Suspect it's a self preservation defensive control mode that my mind thinks is helpful, as in "I'm going to not let myself get hurt by him again, I'll find out for myself first." I've never given that one thought before. Husband wants to continue family get togethers with us and H, wants me and H to get to know each other better, with the "possibility" of any number of outcomes, as he puts it. From one side just all good friends to other other side friends that share emotions and sex together. I've said I will keep an open mind to the "possibilty" of some sort of future relationship between our families. I've agreed to do things with H and get to know her on my terms and she wants the same. We are spending the day together next week. Now, to be completely transparent, he says THEY have never discussed polyamory, so ultimately she may not even be interested in that, so in my mind this is something very important to get out in the open, that it is something husband is thinking is a possibilty. Pretty critical I think. He asked me last night to research polyamory with him. This initially caused a huge adrenalin dump for me, why? I think just the unknowns, sense of losing something in our relationship, losing "us" and "me." After much discussion I have agreed to research and study on it with him and to keep an open mind. That's about it for an update for now. Thanks for the supportive posts.
 
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Hi Slyfox,

Just so I've got the narrative straight ... the coworker your husband was crushing on ... and H ... are the same person, is that right?

As for advice, I think really you just have to give it some time. Your feelings will probably get less stressful eventually. In the meantime, it's probably useful to learn and study more about polyamory, both on this forum and in books such as More than Two and Opening Up.

I'll continue to follow this thread and see if there's anything else I can think of.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.


Hi Kevin, yes the work crush and H are the same person. Thanks for the book tips.
 
Okay, cool. The books are good, I'm hoping they'll help you.

And thanks for the update, it sounds like things have improved a little.
 
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