Greetings all
I'm a 30 y/o straight male in a committed long-term mono relationship (more about that some other time). I feel like I may be polyamorous, and if so, I think I'd feel better being able to identify that way. It would explain a lot about some internal struggles in my life. If I knew any openly poly people I'd have a nice long talk with one of them but I don't, so here I am, looking for any "expert" advice. I'm not (yet) looking at whether I could handle all the intricacies of a poly relationship, this is more about self-identification. I cannot move forward into the realm of "what do I do now?" until I answer this fundamental question.
I only became aware of poly life existing in the last couple years, and since then have begun to question myself. If I AM poly, discovering it at a younger age would have definitely helped me to be more comfortable with myself. In the last few months or so I have tried to learn as much as I can, and I've noticed many things that line up with the way I feel about relationships. A few examples:
~I truly believe that loving someone new does not diminish/reduce the love you already feel for another. Trying to balance a true relationship with more than one person CAN obviously result in less time spent with someone, but the love you feel does not HAVE to lessen simply because you also love another.
~I believe that honesty and openness, clear dialogue, and resolution of personal feelings are required of any healthy relationship. This seems even more emphasized in poly relationships, as a sort of standard rule, but I've been living that way in mono relationships my whole life. Even when my partner would rather bottle things up or "forget about it", I've always pushed to get to the bottom of the problem, to the point of getting into arguments over why I "can't just drop it".
~I've never put any stock into "traditional" relationships over "non-traditional" ones. I feel like whatever works for you, works for you, and no one is right to judge what makes you happy. For many that means one man and one woman, only one person at a time, forever, marriage and kids and a white picket fence. But I feel like that is just what society has told us is supposed to be "normal". And I don't feel like marriage is required to validate a bond, if you know it's already there what difference does a piece of paper make? That sort of thing...
Playing devil's advocate, sometimes I wonder if I just fall in love "too easily". I've faced many dilemmas because I could not decide which girl to 'pursue' because I felt that I loved both of them the same, and knew I'd be hurting one of them by choosing the other. I've damaged some relationships by not hiding my feelings well enough, causing my partner to find out I have strong feelings for another person. Life would certainly be simpler if I could just "stop these feelings". Furthermore I question whether my interest in "being poly" is a matter of self-identification, or just a way for me to "excuse my behavior". The doubting part of myself says "Nah you just wanna screw around/cheat" or that I lack self-control, and that it would be wrong of me to co-opt a label as to allow myself to "not feel bad about it". But just because I doubt myself doesn't mean much; I question everything I do, it's a part of an anxiety disorder
I've never acted on any feelings to a new person while in a dedicated relationship. I know that if I were to ever "cheat" I'd feel horrible about betraying my partner's trust. Also the love I have felt has never just been about a physical attraction or even focused on the idea of sex with that person, it's always been more about how much I care about that person, the amazement that such a great person even exists, and the feeling that I get being around them. I also know that it's not about craving that "new love" feeling, it's not like I'm bored with or have stopped loving my current partner, and many of the women I have fallen for I still feel the same way about many years later, even after I start to notice things that make them incompatible as any sort of partner to me. I often wish I could be honest about my feelings, because it feels so awkward to be around someone I love who has no idea that I feel that way about them, as if I am "lying" to them constantly
So, other than jumping headfirst into attempting a poly relationship, how can I "confirm" if I am actually poly? What questions should really I be asking myself that could prove/disprove this poly curiosity I have?
BTW I'm really glad this forum exists, I don't know how else I'd possibly get any answers.
I'm a 30 y/o straight male in a committed long-term mono relationship (more about that some other time). I feel like I may be polyamorous, and if so, I think I'd feel better being able to identify that way. It would explain a lot about some internal struggles in my life. If I knew any openly poly people I'd have a nice long talk with one of them but I don't, so here I am, looking for any "expert" advice. I'm not (yet) looking at whether I could handle all the intricacies of a poly relationship, this is more about self-identification. I cannot move forward into the realm of "what do I do now?" until I answer this fundamental question.
I only became aware of poly life existing in the last couple years, and since then have begun to question myself. If I AM poly, discovering it at a younger age would have definitely helped me to be more comfortable with myself. In the last few months or so I have tried to learn as much as I can, and I've noticed many things that line up with the way I feel about relationships. A few examples:
~I truly believe that loving someone new does not diminish/reduce the love you already feel for another. Trying to balance a true relationship with more than one person CAN obviously result in less time spent with someone, but the love you feel does not HAVE to lessen simply because you also love another.
~I believe that honesty and openness, clear dialogue, and resolution of personal feelings are required of any healthy relationship. This seems even more emphasized in poly relationships, as a sort of standard rule, but I've been living that way in mono relationships my whole life. Even when my partner would rather bottle things up or "forget about it", I've always pushed to get to the bottom of the problem, to the point of getting into arguments over why I "can't just drop it".
~I've never put any stock into "traditional" relationships over "non-traditional" ones. I feel like whatever works for you, works for you, and no one is right to judge what makes you happy. For many that means one man and one woman, only one person at a time, forever, marriage and kids and a white picket fence. But I feel like that is just what society has told us is supposed to be "normal". And I don't feel like marriage is required to validate a bond, if you know it's already there what difference does a piece of paper make? That sort of thing...
Playing devil's advocate, sometimes I wonder if I just fall in love "too easily". I've faced many dilemmas because I could not decide which girl to 'pursue' because I felt that I loved both of them the same, and knew I'd be hurting one of them by choosing the other. I've damaged some relationships by not hiding my feelings well enough, causing my partner to find out I have strong feelings for another person. Life would certainly be simpler if I could just "stop these feelings". Furthermore I question whether my interest in "being poly" is a matter of self-identification, or just a way for me to "excuse my behavior". The doubting part of myself says "Nah you just wanna screw around/cheat" or that I lack self-control, and that it would be wrong of me to co-opt a label as to allow myself to "not feel bad about it". But just because I doubt myself doesn't mean much; I question everything I do, it's a part of an anxiety disorder
I've never acted on any feelings to a new person while in a dedicated relationship. I know that if I were to ever "cheat" I'd feel horrible about betraying my partner's trust. Also the love I have felt has never just been about a physical attraction or even focused on the idea of sex with that person, it's always been more about how much I care about that person, the amazement that such a great person even exists, and the feeling that I get being around them. I also know that it's not about craving that "new love" feeling, it's not like I'm bored with or have stopped loving my current partner, and many of the women I have fallen for I still feel the same way about many years later, even after I start to notice things that make them incompatible as any sort of partner to me. I often wish I could be honest about my feelings, because it feels so awkward to be around someone I love who has no idea that I feel that way about them, as if I am "lying" to them constantly
So, other than jumping headfirst into attempting a poly relationship, how can I "confirm" if I am actually poly? What questions should really I be asking myself that could prove/disprove this poly curiosity I have?
BTW I'm really glad this forum exists, I don't know how else I'd possibly get any answers.