Identity Crisis?

CoolName

New member
Greetings all :)

I'm a 30 y/o straight male in a committed long-term mono relationship (more about that some other time). I feel like I may be polyamorous, and if so, I think I'd feel better being able to identify that way. It would explain a lot about some internal struggles in my life. If I knew any openly poly people I'd have a nice long talk with one of them but I don't, so here I am, looking for any "expert" advice. I'm not (yet) looking at whether I could handle all the intricacies of a poly relationship, this is more about self-identification. I cannot move forward into the realm of "what do I do now?" until I answer this fundamental question.

I only became aware of poly life existing in the last couple years, and since then have begun to question myself. If I AM poly, discovering it at a younger age would have definitely helped me to be more comfortable with myself. In the last few months or so I have tried to learn as much as I can, and I've noticed many things that line up with the way I feel about relationships. A few examples:

~I truly believe that loving someone new does not diminish/reduce the love you already feel for another. Trying to balance a true relationship with more than one person CAN obviously result in less time spent with someone, but the love you feel does not HAVE to lessen simply because you also love another.

~I believe that honesty and openness, clear dialogue, and resolution of personal feelings are required of any healthy relationship. This seems even more emphasized in poly relationships, as a sort of standard rule, but I've been living that way in mono relationships my whole life. Even when my partner would rather bottle things up or "forget about it", I've always pushed to get to the bottom of the problem, to the point of getting into arguments over why I "can't just drop it".

~I've never put any stock into "traditional" relationships over "non-traditional" ones. I feel like whatever works for you, works for you, and no one is right to judge what makes you happy. For many that means one man and one woman, only one person at a time, forever, marriage and kids and a white picket fence. But I feel like that is just what society has told us is supposed to be "normal". And I don't feel like marriage is required to validate a bond, if you know it's already there what difference does a piece of paper make? That sort of thing...

Playing devil's advocate, sometimes I wonder if I just fall in love "too easily". I've faced many dilemmas because I could not decide which girl to 'pursue' because I felt that I loved both of them the same, and knew I'd be hurting one of them by choosing the other. I've damaged some relationships by not hiding my feelings well enough, causing my partner to find out I have strong feelings for another person. Life would certainly be simpler if I could just "stop these feelings". Furthermore I question whether my interest in "being poly" is a matter of self-identification, or just a way for me to "excuse my behavior". The doubting part of myself says "Nah you just wanna screw around/cheat" or that I lack self-control, and that it would be wrong of me to co-opt a label as to allow myself to "not feel bad about it". But just because I doubt myself doesn't mean much; I question everything I do, it's a part of an anxiety disorder :eek:

I've never acted on any feelings to a new person while in a dedicated relationship. I know that if I were to ever "cheat" I'd feel horrible about betraying my partner's trust. Also the love I have felt has never just been about a physical attraction or even focused on the idea of sex with that person, it's always been more about how much I care about that person, the amazement that such a great person even exists, and the feeling that I get being around them. I also know that it's not about craving that "new love" feeling, it's not like I'm bored with or have stopped loving my current partner, and many of the women I have fallen for I still feel the same way about many years later, even after I start to notice things that make them incompatible as any sort of partner to me. I often wish I could be honest about my feelings, because it feels so awkward to be around someone I love who has no idea that I feel that way about them, as if I am "lying" to them constantly :(

So, other than jumping headfirst into attempting a poly relationship, how can I "confirm" if I am actually poly? What questions should really I be asking myself that could prove/disprove this poly curiosity I have? :confused:

BTW I'm really glad this forum exists, I don't know how else I'd possibly get any answers.
 
Hi Coolname,

Love your alias.

I'm new to these forums myself so the more experienced polyamorists on this site might have better advice.

I thought I'd point out that if you're new to this whole sort of thinking, then perhaps you are non monogamous by nature. You sound like an ethical sort of person, so you would probably be interested in creating a relationship based around ethical non monogamy. Within the framework of ethical non monogamy, you have chosen to identify most with polyamory, the other main options being swinging, BDSM and kink. In summary non monogamy ---> ethical non monogamy ---> polyamory. No one is born polyamorous.

I found this the most useful article in trying to consider what types of ethical non monogamy suited me. It might be that polyamory is not for you, but that you identify with something similar to polyamory. I would recommend your partner read this too because if you wish to pursue ethical non monogamy, it will involve both parties, even if your partner wishes to remain monogamous.

If you prefer a book, "opening up" by Tristan Taormino is said to be useful for a transition from monogamy to non monogamy because it considers possibilities other than polyamory and makes you ponder if you are even suited for non monogamy. disclaimer: I've never read the book.

Good luck!
 
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... I'm not (yet) looking at whether I could handle all the intricacies of a poly relationship, this is more about self-identification. I cannot move forward into the realm of "what do I do now?" until I answer this fundamental question.

So, other than jumping headfirst into attempting a poly relationship, how can I "confirm" if I am actually poly? What questions should really I be asking myself that could prove/disprove this poly curiosity I have? :confused:

I'm going to be a bit of a pain. I want to ask you - so you can ask yourself - why is the bolded sentence so important to you? Objectively, you do not have to resolve who or what you identify as, poly or not, to explore poly or alternative relationships in some form. You do not have to be definitively poly to explore poly, or other non-traditional relationships. Lots of people do.

Now I do know many people - often with some form of anxiety - who do have to be surer of how they identify in order to explore something new, whether that's sexuality, different work, or relationship styles/structures. They can't explore without a conceptual framework. I'm a little like this - I prefer to have a framework that I can place experiences within.

But I also know that this is a fragile thing. Experience is always more and bigger than any intellectual, mental or emotional framework. I've learned that identity *for me* is fluid. How I identify in all sorts of areas has changed over time. I've moved from straight to bisexual to lesbian to dating men but culturally lesbian to straight to bisexual to pansexual (my current sexuality identity shorthand.) I've moved from vanilla to kinky, from happily monogamous to happily open and polyamourous. This has been my personal experience. The thing is, none of these identities were 'wrong' for me at the time. I was really a lesbian when I identified as such. I was really straight when I thought I was, and so on. As I changed, so did my various chosen identities.

So I wonder why you need to confirm your poly identity before you have any poly experiences. Confirming it won't protect you from pain or hurt or making mistakes. It won't remove doubts or fears. (Neither will remaining agnostic about a possible poly identity.) So why?

I wonder if you feel having a solid poly identity allows you to explore it? Because that's who you 'really' are? Do you think that will allow your monogamous partner to accept this, because you can't change it?

I wish you the best.
 
Greetings CoolName,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Besides your, Shaya's, and opalescent's excellent points, I have to say that I don't know of any question/s or system/s that would confirm whether you "are" poly. Indeed some people feel that polyamory is a course of action, rather than an identity. You are poly if you live poly, if you take my meaning. Ultimately, I think that whether you are poly is a judgment call for you to make. There's no objective standard and no one else can decide for you.

FWIW, you seem "poly enough" based on your description here. You can get some additional food for thought from Franklin Veaux's Poly FAQ page. Read it and see how much of it resonates with you. That will give you more evidence to go on, even if it doesn't prove anything perfectly.

Hopefully the posts so far have been helpful to you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

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Welcome aboard!
 
I agree with the above in that you seem "poly enough" to explore further in your philosophy and principles.

The harder question, I think, is are you willing to accept your partner being poly as well? Your current partner? A new partner who starts to date someone new? A new partner who already has other partners?

You already feel that you can maintain feelings for one person while continuing having feelings for someone else. No? Whether this is an inherent trait or a conscious decision is neither here nor there. Do you believe that your current partner/a new partner can achieve this as well?

(I'm just asking, some poly folk prefer to date monos, some avoid it - but I think it is a good thought-experiment.)

If you do decide to go the poly road I would suggest that you think about what traits in yourself would lend to you being a good "hinge". How are you with maintaining boundaries? Respecting privacy without resorting to secrecy? Being transparent without sharing TMI? How are your communication skills? Your emotional IQ?

I believe that honesty and openness, clear dialogue, and resolution of personal feelings are required of any healthy relationship. This seems even more emphasized in poly relationships, as a sort of standard rule, but I've been living that way in mono relationships my whole life.

This is my favorite bit of your post. Healthy relationships, in my opinion, come in various shapes - but share similar foundations. If your current relationship is not healthy then how can you expect any future (or additional) relationships to evolve?
 
First of all thank you all for your comments and encouragement. :)

opalescent said:
I'm going to be a bit of a pain. I want to ask you - so you can ask yourself - why is the bolded sentence so important to you?

No pain at all really! I understand that I may be/seem rigid in my approach, but as you also said:

opalescent said:
people - often with some form of anxiety - who do have to be surer of how they identify in order to explore something new [...] They can't explore without a conceptual framework.

I do have GAD (as well as other non-diagnosed forms of anxiety) so this is my approach to anything new, big, potentially life-changing or with large potential for any sort of repercussions. I feel a need to gather as much understanding as possible before making big decisions. Also if I ever AM going to approach my current partner about this, I know that I will need to be as sure of myself as possible, 'armed' with as many facts as I can carry.

If I were single I'd probably be more likely to jump in head-first and see what fits, I'm positive that would lead me to my own personal answers, but since I am currently in a relationship I want as measured an approach as possible.

opalescent said:
I wonder if you feel having a solid poly identity allows you to explore it? Because that's who you 'really' are? Do you think that will allow your monogamous partner to accept this, because you can't change it?

While this isn't 100% of the issue; to a large extent yes. I've felt this way without knowing a term for it for so long, knowing that's "who I really am" would be a bit freeing in terms of self-acceptance. And how could I expect my partner to accept something like this without accepting it for myself first?

From what I'm getting, "defining" myself isn't really possible right out of the gate. I can live with that. I also realize that there are many, many forms of poly as well as forms of non mono relationships that are not necessarily "poly". I will definitely be giving a lot of thought to what "feels right" to me. I certainly have a lot of food for thought.

I will very likely make another thread soon about my current relationship and the steps I should take from here beyond self-reflection.
 
Speaking as someone with recurrent anxiety disorders, I think you'd do fine not worrying about "being poly" or any of that stuff. In this context, polyamory is more a way of building your own conceptual framework -- like a kit with lots of "user option" elements -- than a "lifestyle" or even "worldview."

Really, you sound more "open to the possibility of considering living polyamorously at some point in the future"; around here, we regularly see people who encounter the concept of polyamory & make the error of "bombing" their spouse/partner (sometimes unintentionally) with "hey, honey, could you ever see us staying together & dating other people too?" resulting in some variant on :mad: :eek: :(. For most Monogamistic people, even thinking about other people doing this stuff triggers deep-seated anxieties -- when it's presented as US, it's an explosion waiting to happen.

You do have a choice: keep the thoughts to yourself (maybe forever, or at least for the extent of your current relationship) OR dump it all on your s/o right now before you have any more time to overthink it & thus risk "bombing" her when it begins to seep out. (To reuse my analogy, the latter intends to set off the "bomb" while it's still just the blasting cap, before anyone starts stacking TNT on top. It'll be loud, sure, but a lot less destructive than if you do it later.)
 
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