Hi Darren,
I'm sorry to hear your full story, but I'm glad we asked for it because what you're describing does not sound like polyamory to me. There are versions of polyamory called "solo-poly" or "
relationship anarchy" that I know nothing about, but if we stick to your situation of couplecentric polyamory, it's about consent of all parties involved.
You seem to be saying that you and your wife have had monogamous vows for many years now. Then, your wife started an online affair with someone in a different country without your knowledge, purchased a $3000 bike and expensive return airfares, disclosed polyamory to family/friends/colleagues without your consent and while not expecting you to stay with her, would like you to support her in this or else leave the relationship?
This is a terrible position to be in. You said before that you had underlying relationship problems currently that preceded all this. I personally don't see polyamory as a means to fixing those relationship problems. Sorry to put it bluntly Darren, and I say this with pain in my heart, but it sounds to me like she's given up on the relationship. I don't know what's happened in your relationship before this and would suggest that you don't share the specifics on this forum as your wife, kids or future attorneys can read this.
The following may be things that you are already considering, but I thought to act as a sounding board for your own thoughts. Given how difficult a time this must be for you, sometimes I find it helps when others from an outside situation list the important ones. I hope this list helps:
1. If finances are an issue, I think you need to secure those first. Make sure you have separate bank accounts.
2. Underlying relationship problems. A couples and individual counsellor, if she will agree. I feel your relationship has to come first before polyamory or it will not survive the transition. She will be in
polyamoryville once she starts.
3. Couplecentric polyamory may not be possible with so much broken trust and demands of hers without consideration for your needs of security. You may have to transition to a different type of non monogamy, if you can. You've done polyamory before. There was give and take, as you say. This is not the same. What I'm trying to say is, that you may not be able to practice the polyamory you used to practice and may have to consider other forms of consensual non monogamy that have less control (see link on relationship anarchy above).
4. Consider medical diagnoses. Mania or manic depressive comes to mind. The hallmark of mania is increased spending, sexual appetite out of character for the person and/or delusions of grandeur. People with mania tend to spend excessive amounts of time on their passion(s) to the exclusion of all else. They often require less sleep. From what you've written, she seems to have 2 of these but we're obviously unable to diagnose this on a board. If you think she has mania, I would caution against approaching her with this diagnosis. You may need to enlist the help of her close family or friends instead.
5. Other things to consider would be
limerence and if she is open to it, perhaps she could browse the
limerence forums to find similar stories. My wife thought she might be trying to use
jealousy as a control mechanism with most of the dot points I created in that linked thread coming from this
article. I disagree with my wife on this as I don't think your wife is deliberately using jealousy to goad you to action. However, if you think this may be the case, then the correct action that your wife wants would be for you to stop her from meeting the boyfriend.
I'll try and keep my post short. Good luck for now.