Reverie
Active member
I'm sitting on Moss's couch (the same couch we bought together as fiancés back in the day, though he plans to replace it soon) and drinking coffee and a mimosa while he packs the truck up for camping. I asked if I could help, and he had me wash a few dishes, but with that task done, there's nothing left for me to do.
Before we head out of town, we're going to stop into a hospice where my grandmother is visiting my great uncle. It's pure coincidence that my grandmother and I are on Opposite Coast at the same time. My dad's side of the family is originally from here, but my great uncle is the only one who remains. I haven't seen my grandmother since I was living here and she came to visit him the last time, probably 2011 or 2012. She's really getting up there in the years, but her mind remains sharp. I'm happy to get to see her, even if briefly. A while back, she moved to a state that not many of us visit, to live with one of her youngest daughters. She seems happy there, but it is terribly inconvenient to visit. I know that the way of things means that she probably doesn't have that many years left (she's in her 80s), so this brief chance encounter means a lot to me. Moss knows her from when we were married, so I think he's interested in seeing her all these years later too.
Man, yesterday was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. The travel from my town to opposite coast had a connection that was way far out of the way, the layover was almost four hours, the wifi at the airport cost money and was terrible, my laptop charger gave up the ghost halfway through the trip, and when it was finally time for my plane to land, the weather was too bad, so after two passes, the pilot diverted us to a town about an hour and forty minutes away so he could fuel up. But the airport in my destination closes early, so we couldn't come back at all! Moss ended up driving to the airport I'd been diverted to and picking me up. By the time we got back to his house, it was past three in the morning. I was exhausted and promptly passed out, not taking more than a few sips of the vacation-celebration beer he'd offered me.
Added to that was my deep envy at the good time Rider was having up in Football Town with Kelly. I wanted him—them—to have a good time, but it was so hard to keep my spirits up when thing after thing was going wrong for me, and he'd woken up next to her, made music and did day-drinking with her in the afternoon, then gone out for sushi and gotten a bottle of wine and a hotel room. Meanwhile, I had the tension headache from hell, the flight attendants wouldn't let anyone pee, my electronics were running out of juice, and I had no ETA on when my nightmare would be over. It was an exercise in reaching for positive thinking, to be sure. Instead of pouting, I wrote Rider a five-page letter about how awesome he is and how I hope he's having fun and how proud I am of him for all of the positive changes he's been making over the past six months.
This morning, I woke up next to Moss, but I was still so distracted by thoughts of Rider. It felt a bit unfair. I didn't want to voice any of those thoughts, because Moss tends to low self-esteem, and I didn't want to hurt him. I had to try really hard to stay in the moment and focus on him. We had sex, and it was pretty good—even with as infrequent as our visits are, and how much time had passed before we became involved again, we still have an old, familiar rhythm that gets us both there. His eyes still are a warm, comforting home for me. But it's more comfort than thrill.
It makes me feel kind of weird and sad: I love Moss for a million reasons, and I love Jake for a million reasons, but my encounters with each of them are still color-muted compared to my encounters with Rider. I just have to let go of expectations and let my connections to each person just be what they are.
I'm totally enjoying myself with Moss so far, don't get me wrong, but it's lurking under the shadow of missing Rider. Maybe it's still just NRE with Rider, since it's been only 13 months. I guess I'll have to just wait and see. Will report back on the rest of the trip when I'm back into town, or maybe once my new charger arrives and I have a moment to myself on Monday.
Before we head out of town, we're going to stop into a hospice where my grandmother is visiting my great uncle. It's pure coincidence that my grandmother and I are on Opposite Coast at the same time. My dad's side of the family is originally from here, but my great uncle is the only one who remains. I haven't seen my grandmother since I was living here and she came to visit him the last time, probably 2011 or 2012. She's really getting up there in the years, but her mind remains sharp. I'm happy to get to see her, even if briefly. A while back, she moved to a state that not many of us visit, to live with one of her youngest daughters. She seems happy there, but it is terribly inconvenient to visit. I know that the way of things means that she probably doesn't have that many years left (she's in her 80s), so this brief chance encounter means a lot to me. Moss knows her from when we were married, so I think he's interested in seeing her all these years later too.
Man, yesterday was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. The travel from my town to opposite coast had a connection that was way far out of the way, the layover was almost four hours, the wifi at the airport cost money and was terrible, my laptop charger gave up the ghost halfway through the trip, and when it was finally time for my plane to land, the weather was too bad, so after two passes, the pilot diverted us to a town about an hour and forty minutes away so he could fuel up. But the airport in my destination closes early, so we couldn't come back at all! Moss ended up driving to the airport I'd been diverted to and picking me up. By the time we got back to his house, it was past three in the morning. I was exhausted and promptly passed out, not taking more than a few sips of the vacation-celebration beer he'd offered me.
Added to that was my deep envy at the good time Rider was having up in Football Town with Kelly. I wanted him—them—to have a good time, but it was so hard to keep my spirits up when thing after thing was going wrong for me, and he'd woken up next to her, made music and did day-drinking with her in the afternoon, then gone out for sushi and gotten a bottle of wine and a hotel room. Meanwhile, I had the tension headache from hell, the flight attendants wouldn't let anyone pee, my electronics were running out of juice, and I had no ETA on when my nightmare would be over. It was an exercise in reaching for positive thinking, to be sure. Instead of pouting, I wrote Rider a five-page letter about how awesome he is and how I hope he's having fun and how proud I am of him for all of the positive changes he's been making over the past six months.
This morning, I woke up next to Moss, but I was still so distracted by thoughts of Rider. It felt a bit unfair. I didn't want to voice any of those thoughts, because Moss tends to low self-esteem, and I didn't want to hurt him. I had to try really hard to stay in the moment and focus on him. We had sex, and it was pretty good—even with as infrequent as our visits are, and how much time had passed before we became involved again, we still have an old, familiar rhythm that gets us both there. His eyes still are a warm, comforting home for me. But it's more comfort than thrill.
It makes me feel kind of weird and sad: I love Moss for a million reasons, and I love Jake for a million reasons, but my encounters with each of them are still color-muted compared to my encounters with Rider. I just have to let go of expectations and let my connections to each person just be what they are.
I'm totally enjoying myself with Moss so far, don't get me wrong, but it's lurking under the shadow of missing Rider. Maybe it's still just NRE with Rider, since it's been only 13 months. I guess I'll have to just wait and see. Will report back on the rest of the trip when I'm back into town, or maybe once my new charger arrives and I have a moment to myself on Monday.