A New Life

I think that children often don't need as much peace and quiet as adults do ...
 
Yesterday was break day. It was a LONG day. Up at 5am and home to bed by midnight.
But the powerful sense of rest one gains from being off line, no phone, no school books, in a quiet place is astounding.
Today was up at 6 and running all day. Helping little one tet ready for Valenties party at school.
Working on craft projects for my classes. Homework of the most detailsd type. Shopping for the impossible to find item.
Tomorrow begins a three day weekend break from it all. A break I am desperately looking forward to!
 
Valentines Day weekend was spectacular. I can't even describe how much I needed it.
We met after classes and watched a flick, hung out at his place. Then went to the hotel to shower and get ready for dinner. His treat we went to a really nice dinner.
He bought me an orchid as a gift. It is so perfect! I repotted it and its in my front window! I blushed. I didn't realize he would think it through so far. I prefer living plants over cut flowers and I love orchids, they are all over Hawaii. Plumeria is my favorite. But I can never get it to grow.

We spent the whole weekend together. I got A migraine and he lovingly and graciously took care of me. It was REALLY hard to go home on Sunday.
 
Peace

Currently curled up in the Sexy Beasts arms. He is sleeping, long week, rough weekend, he needed a nap.
I love these moments.
When its quiet. He's asleep, relaxed. I find it calming.

When I arrived, I gave him a back rub (then play) before curling up with him. I love the feel of the tension slipping out of his muscles, the sound of his sighs as he relaxes under my hands, relaxes into our time together.

We rarely speak of the future. Instead we focus on the moment we are in. But we are conscious of the changes to come. Usually he makes no comment one way or another. Today he playfully and teasingly commented on something I "better" be doing (I was) because its a necessary step in my future goals. Goals which WILL alter our relationship significantly one way or another.
I couln't help but smile, because he was focused on me needing to focus on my goals. He wasn't concerning himself with how it could potentially alter us.
 
"Healthy"

Peanut butter isn't unhealthy or dangerous or deadly!

It is if you are allergic to peanuts.
In fact just having third party contact with a smidgeon of peanut oil can trigger anaphalactic shock.....

Likewise; it is unhealthy and deadly to "cage" wild animals (feel free to do your own research).

AND

the same is true for some people.
Maybe YOU handle having someone tell you what you can/can't do with your body, your mind and or your heart acceptable.
But for some of us; it kills us from the inside out.
 
Haven't Had much time to be on here. Between manor projects at school and warm weather. I have been riding the motorcycle(after doing maintenance on it) and today I cleaned up the yard and prepped the garden.
We will likely get moresnow before the end of May-so all the starters are in the front window. But its been in the 40s during the day-so we raked and collected pots, worked on the llayhouse we are building (we being my kids and I).

Tomorrow I am taking a break day to spend with the Beast AFTER I get a ride in. I am very ecstatic about being able to ride in March! So unusual around here!

I am starting to find my groove in this solo world. I haven't found a "solo poly" groove in light of only having one lover currently. But I don't feel ready to seek another anyway. I am busy remembering how to live life as a single parent.
It can be daunting. But its so rewarding too.
Not having someone tell me what to do or what not to do. Making choices about where to go and when.
I went to a drag show with a few friends. Its been SO DAMN LONG since I felt like I could go do something like that guilt-free. The kids were gone anyway and I realized I didn't owe it to anyone to be home "like a good wife".

So many changes, so much more peace.
 
Heh ... hard to imagine going to a drag show being a cause to feel guilty. Glad to hear that's not the case anymore.
 
Going ANYWHERE was cause to feel guilty... The last 17 years of my life.
I never really thought about it. I thought it was my duty as a wife and mother to be home with my family (and my spouse was NOT social).

Now that I am not in that relationship I find that there are a host of things I can do again that I forgot about.
Also; new things.
On pi day (3-14), I wanted to go out for pie. But there wasn't anyone else readily available. I just went anyway. It was awesome. But it was also jolting. I ordered pie and I was writing cards and eating my pie when it struck me that I have never gone out to eat alone. NEVER.
I started asking myself why and the answers were really easy, readily available in my head beside the sensation of guilt.
I always felt it was a "waste" of money and time to take myself out to eat.

I sat there with one bite of pie on my plate awestruck. All of these years I was telling myself that taking myself out on a date was a waste of time, money, effort... So I was telling myself I was a waste of time, money and effort.
I promptly interrupted the waitress and ordered a meal.

Then I started looking around at the tables and really paying attention to the people who were alone.
I spent 4 hours there (they ran out of pie at 4:45 in the afternoon because no one realized it was pi day!).
I decided that I need to take myself out more. I need to do things JUST FOR ME more.
Because I am worth the time, money and effort!

I took some money and I went and got the cool decorative stuff I have always wanted for the scrapbooks I have been making of the family photos. I have started making the lages, a couple pages a day with all sorts of embellishments. I like them.
I have been dressing up, wearing my contacts, fixing my hair and NOT wearing make up. Because i like it that way.
I pulled out all the gardening pots and I bought $50 in seeds. I have starters everywhere! The whole deck will be covered with flowers!
I got the veggies I want for the garden.
I have wanted to build a playground area in my yard for the kids. But theres always something more important. I got out there Saturday and busted out a shitload of work. It looks fucking awesome already! People asked if I could go do this or that. I said "nope. Busy." And I wrote on the calendar for this coming Saturday too!
I have been out on my motorcycle living it up. I fucking LOVE riding. But he was a bike lerson and I always let it be about him. I told him its my bike he wants a divorce-fine. The bikes mine. It was bought for me (not the kind he wants). He was stunned. Could t argue, its not something he even wants, but I never made demands.
Then after pi day it struck me too-
He wants to sell the house. But I dont. So why the fuck should I sell it? I want it and so do the kids. So-I doubled my efforts putting applications for a job. Im going to finish fixing it up as planned and Im going to buy it from him. I don't need to be the damn loser to be a nice person. I can be EQUALLY important.

A couple weeks ago the beast and I were talking and agreed some things have changed. We agreed that we are more than fwb we decided gf/bf is more fitting reference.
That hasnt altered our stance on our agreement or terms. Basically-dont lie, if you are with someone else let each other know so we can assess appropriate protection.
Yesterday we went hiking. It was awesome. I love hiking. Today he washed my car for me. I felt a bit spoiled. He says "get in the car or you are going to get wet doll" i sat in the car like a queen while he washed the car. I took a picture of him as he was doing it. This evening as I scrolled through my photos I noticed the smile on his face was radiant. It felt really good to have someone do something for me AND BE HAPPY ABOUT IT.
 
It seems that you have had some life-changing aha moments. I'm surprised that you had been subjugating your wants (needs?) to those of someone else for 17 years! I guess sometimes the most painful changes open up the most momentous opportunities.
 
Awww - good for you. :)

I absolutely love taking myself out to eat, out for coffee, out for a couple of drinks. There is something about sitting alone with a book in a restaurant, bar or coffee shop that makes me smile.

Your pi day date with yourself was a joy to read about.
 
Interesting steps arising.
We spent the weekend of my bday together earlier this month and he made an idle comment within the context of a conversation regarding finances, that he was going "to see a friend" in May.
It was an unusual way for him to word it, that made it obvious he was going to see a girl, because normally he wod just give a name. I let it go without asking.
I know he has a history of dating women who were outrageously possessive.
That weekend wasn't the time to address it.

Today, I asked him if he was planning to elaborate on his trip. He clearly got tense, but he told me he was going to see an ex-girlfriend, with every intention of sleeping with her. He has a self-made porn fetish. His most serious ex destroyed all of his recordings. It really bothers him.
Anyway he added that he wants to replace the videos he had with her.

I knew he was worrying about my reaction. So I thanked him for answering. I didnt say "honestly" because in all the years of our friendship I have never had reason to believe he lied to me about anything. But I wanted him to know that its safe to tell me things-even if they may hurt my feelings, I want us to maintain our comfort in tming honestly and openly to each other as we always have.
He said "I was afraid of hurting your feelings. I wanted to talk about it. But Im not sure how to bring it up. I haven't ever done this before." I assured him I know. His last ex was violently possessive.
We had a pleasant conversation about his plans. I didnt ask for names. I really dont care. She lives many states away, so its not likely she and I will have an opportunity to meet and I am ok with that (I would also be ok meeting her, i dont care either way).
On my way home I pondered this new situation. I haven't dated someone who traveled away to be with another. I contemplated how I felt. What thoughts or fears or concerns or curiousities came to mind.

I have a fear of him not returning hom. I already know its triggered by his sudden and unexpected move out of state some years ago. Its not actually relevant to this Situation. But I was touched by his "Phoenix-I am coming home. Its just a visit." Comment. I hadnt asked for the reassurance. He remembered my distress from before-when we were "just friends". Very sweet.
But also soothing to my soul in a whole other way. The way you are soothed because you know they are paying attention to your needs.

Ultimately the thought that resoundingly came to mind was "I wonder what he looks like when he fucks someone else?" I have watched video of us its intriguing to me (and educational-I never knew I looked so sexy when I get excited). But my curiousity is piqued. :)
Not saying I will ever know the answer to that question. Its entertaining enough sitting in my mind unanswered.

But I feel good mnowing that mostly I feel nothing regarding this trip he is planning. It doesn't trigger jealousy or anger or fear. It just is.
I imagine when it comes I will feel envious. Because I would LOVE to have an uninterrupted week with him.
But it is MY circumstances that makes that impossible for now.
Overall I feel a sense of righteous dignity and pride. Because I am giving him a gift he has never had before. The gift of love unhindered by possession. Is there any better gift?
I can ALREADY see the changes in him. He is more relaxed in general. He is becoming more confident. He is settling into a stability in our relationship and our schedule/routine of time together and apart.
He is less prone to defend his privacy and independence. More frequently he is asking for more time.
He is seeing that he can actually love me and not be held hostage by chains and bonds that restrict him from fully expressing himself.
It is a fucking beautiful thing to see!

Yesterday he referred to me as his girlfriend in conversation with his mother. She knows we are more than "just friends". She is 71 and he is her youngest child. She has great grandchildren for heavens sake. She isnt naive. But he spoke it aloud and that was new.
I am feeling very proud of how we have navigated things in the last 6 months (tomorrow will be 6 months).
Its such a peaceful feeling not having to defend myself avainst the nudgement and possessiveness I became use to also.
So enlightening how much MORE secure I feel within a relationship that has damn near no restrictions compared to a marriage that held me hostage.
 
Beautiful post, FieryPhoenix. I like how you write. So much of your writing I can relate to. Especially this:

So enlightening how much MORE secure I feel within a relationship that has damn near no restrictions compared to a marriage that held me hostage.
 
Today was 6 months. No big plans. We did spend the day together, unexpected on both our parts. A couple odd changes in schedules resulted in the opportunity.
Its "that time of the month" and I am feeling emotionally tender and sensitive. He was being playful and teasing; quickly saw it wasnt being taken as intended and altered his actions to protective and concerned. It touched me. I burst into tears. :/
There is something fantastically arousing and emotionally stimulating about a partner who PAYS ATTENTION.
 
Happy six months! Looking forward to more milestones.
 
Tough weekend full of ex-bs. I should totally claim credit for coining that "ex-bs".
Tomorrow after school/work is our date time. It will be cut short by child obligations, but I'm not complaining-it is 't being cancelled.

The most difficult lart of the solo-poly thing for me (right now anyway) is the struggle of wanting to curl up in someone's arms after a difficult day...
And not being able to.

I frequently cry myself to sleep.
Because as much as I NEED my personal space, I find myself longing for those "just before bed, end of day" conversations & the comfort of a strong arm wrapped around me as I drift off to sleep.

On the otherside of that coin;
On Friday I commented to the sexy beast that I needed a hot tub (very sore from extensive yard work). He replied "we need our own place" and it struck a panic nerve.
I haven't a clue what to say to that. Because I don't think EITHER ofus would actually handle that well AT ALL.
I love him.
I love being his girlfriend.
I love being with him.

But our lifestyles are different enough that I can't imagine living together. I CAN imagine the fighting if we tried it. He needs much more quiet and he needs much more time alone.
For starters I have two kids at home. Its almost never quiet and there are ALWAYS visitors coming and going.
There are other things, but that right there is enough.

I hope this topic can be set aside for awhile. Because I'm not up to a big emotional debate right now. But if it can't, I will be steady when I explain that I can't do that.
I long to have my place be fully my own so that I can have him over as I wish. But I need to not be sharing it with him either.
 
Exhausted. Worn down.
Went to bed Monday night and pretty much stayed there til Friday.
Depression hitting hard.
No motivation or energy or interest.
Just blah.
Today I noticed every breath in feels like inhaling ice which means possible pneumonia. JUST finished antibiotics for a UTI.
Finals coming up and I haven't even read the last 6 chapters in either subject.
New job starts 27th.
:/
 
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