Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained

AlabamaJules

New member
Hi, everyone!

I’ve been a member of this forum for a little over 5 years now but this is my first public post. I'm actually a little nervous about introducing myself but here goes nothing:

I’m Jules, 42 years old, born/raised/still living in Alabama. I was with my husband for 25 years (married for 22) before divorcing at the end of 2015. Have one son who is about to turn 18 and leave the proverbial nest. Built a career that really suits me doing a job that I love (even if it does take up more of my time and energy than I would like). For the past few years I’ve been focusing on single parenting and improving my physical health. I'm very close to achieving the goals that I set for myself in those areas so I think it's time that I begin exploring some aspects of my persona that have lain dormant for many years, which brings me to this post.

I have always thought it natural to feel all types of love (platonic, romantic, sexual, familial, etc.) for more than one person and have never understood why it is considered desirable/honorable to embrace and act out this concept in some contexts but not others. It's been way too long since I've given myself permission (freedom) to believe that this way of being is not inherently wrong (selfish/perverted/sinful/you get the idea) and I'm hopeful that the decision to move from lurker to active member will result in an increased awareness/appreciation for the poly lifestyle in general and a deeper understanding of my inner self as I try to navigate my way through this "new normal" I find myself in. Any questions, comments, or suggestions are welcome and I will do my best to respond as I am able. I'm glad to be in the company of such cool cats and I look forward to getting to know you all!
 
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Hi Jules - welcome to active participation in the Forum! I will look forward to reading your posts. Al
 
Greetings Jules,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you are ready to dive into the concept of polyamory, and learn all you can about it. Posting and reading on Polyamory.com is a good way to do that. I am just wondering, do you and your ex-husband have a friendly relationship these days? I hope I'm not prying. Glad you're here, and actively posting now. Let us know if you have any questions, comments, etc.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Hi, everyone! ... Any questions, comments, or suggestions are welcome and I will do my best to respond as I am able. I'm glad to be in the company of such cool cats and I look forward to getting to know you all!

Hi Jules and welcome to the forum. I'm new here, and so far, the participants have made a very positive impression on me with their honest and constructive feedback.
 
I'm a little rusty on forum etiquette so instead of responding to each of you individually, let me just say thanks to all for welcoming me.

Al99: I have followed your journey from the beginning and it gives me such hope to know that people with the same rigid upbringing as my own can (and do!) expand their minds and hearts despite cultural/societal norms!

kdt26417: You can ask whatever you like - I don't mind at all. Just know that my answers my be more than you bargained for since I don't know when to shut up :) Unfortunately, hubs and I do not speak unless it is about our son and I'm pretty that little bit of communication will cease once the child turns 18. This decision was made by ex on the day judgement of divorce was granted (my original post said end of 2015 but it was actually 2014 - need to correct that) and he has strictly adhered to it since his remarriage in February. I'd like to create a separate post about our history to ask questions and get feedback on some things but that will have to wait until I have a little more time. For now, suffice to say that it makes my heart sad that things ended the way that they did. My hope is that one day we will be able to be friends again but that really depends on him.

PolyNatural: Welcome right backatcha. It's good to be among those that get it, no?
 
AlabamaJules - thanks for the kind words - and glad to hear that you found my thoughts meaningful. Al
 
Hi Jules, sorry to hear your ex-husband is not very friendly toward you. It does sound like most other things are going well, is that right?
 
Hi Jules, sorry to hear your ex-husband is not very friendly toward you. It does sound like most other things are going well, is that right?

He blames me for the divorce and I guess technically he would be correct in doing so since I was the one who ultimately filed the petition. However, I have been slowly working through our shared past, trying to look at it in more of an objective manner and have come to the conclusion that we both contributed to the demise of the marriage in different (but equally damaging) ways.

I keep saying I'm going to post in the relationships corner about my history and I still plan on doing that but in the meantime, here's the condensed version: Basically, the 'straw that broke the camel's back' was the fact I was in love with another man (had been since before getting married, actually) and husband would not agree to opening our marriage for him specifically. Poly was not an issue since we had been in a committed triad-turned-vee relationship years before and husband even said that if it had been any other man/woman I had fallen for he might have been able to agree to another hierarchal-type situation... just not this particular person. I felt pressured to choose between the two of them many years ago and always regretted doing so. My intent back then (when choosing one over the other) was to cause as little pain to each of them as possible but I'm afraid I hurt them both worse than if I had just stood my ground and refused to choose at all. I was barely eighteen, though, and had no experience with anything other than fundamentalist brainwashing at that point (in all seriousness, I didn't even realize that it was actually within my power to say 'no' to a man and expect to be taken seriously) so I did what I thought was the least worst thing at the time.Anyway, after years of what felt like torture to me I finally caved and began sleeping with the other man (had never really stopped having an 'emotional affair' with him and husband always knew of/tolerated my feelings but was adamant that I 'crossed a line' when I introduced sex into the equation). Things got pretty ugly after that and divorce seemed like the only way to escape it. In hindsight, I'm not sure if 'escaping' really helped anything at all. The other man and I moved in together shortly after ex moved out but, ironically, our relationship is in the process of drawing to a close now because he continues to seek casual sex from others without my involvement (which would be my ideal) or, at the very least, knowledge/consent. That is a subject for another time, though...

So, the short answer would be that yes, most other (surface) things are going well but I am really struggling in the deeper areas of my heart/soul.

Hopefully this makes some sort of sense and doesn't come across as whining or complaining because I don't mean it that way. I'm still hurting, I guess, and sometimes I allow the hurt to obscure the happy. Getting better but I'm still a work in progress :)
 
Not a problem Jules ... I too would feel hurt if I was in your shoes. I hope Polyamory.com is of help to getting you through all of that. I'll watch for your post in Relationships Corner, and respond to it eventually (I'm a little behind on the forum right now).
 
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