One Mistake at a Time

It's people like you who make up for people like me. ;)

I'd be curious to know what the stat curves look like. Is it a bunch of waaaaay over 8 and a bunch of 1 or 2, and it just mathematically averages out to 8? I feel like, somehow, for most of my 20s, most of the guys who I was with who told me their number, it was 12. Very odd coincidence, I guess. I hit 12 at 18. :cool:
 
I have no idea what the stat curves are, but that's an interesting thought. My guess is that it does peter out the way you suggested.

Hey BathedInSalt, we've derailed your blog. Feel free to hit the exclamation mark in the top right corner of our posts to delete them if you want. This is your blog. Feel free to do what you like with it. :)
 
8?? Oops. :eek:

I thought the SAME thing.
8 of what kind of relationships?
8 "committed" relationships?
Do you start counting with your first partner, like your jr high bf/gf? Do you keep counting until you die?
If it's an average I'm thinking my mom only has only had 2 partners and relationships, I've had....more. So that average could work out to be 8. lol
Let's see, I've had 10 somewhat committed relationships and a lot more sexual partners. I was raised religious, and married at 19, a virgin, but was so hung up on numbers of partners that after my 2nd husband passed I decided to have sex until it didn't matter to me anymore. It was so freeing and such a positive step in my life, even if it sounds odd. It was pretty empowering. I have no idea my number of sexual partners and I like it that way. I could sit and list if I had to. I've never had one night stand. I only regret 2 partners. Mostly it's just a lot of beautiful experiences that I cherish.
 
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I have an update.
Dean and I were all pretty exhausted yesterday after driving all night from our vacation back to home. In that exhaustion I snapped and broke down crying. I expressed that I wanted to talk more about things, any things...the why are we here, what does it all mean things. We used to talk about those things a lot. Wondering is what I like best about life probably.
He admitted to shutting down a lot after we lost of son. (6 years ago our son was born stillborn at 38wks.) I told him I had done the same thing. Dean's glad I've taken steps to open back up. I view this poly realization as part of that opening back up. I'm opening up, rediscovering, reflecting and just discovering new things about myself. I'm feeling all the feelings, letting myself feel them.
He said I had valid concerns and that he would try to do better.

I apologized for making my problems his, he still said he would try to do better.

Then later that night HE brought up polyamory. HE asked me questions.
Just the fact that he asked brought relief.
We talked about how we see ourselves now : mon/poly
He made it clear that he's ok with my talking to BluEyes every day, he expressed a little jealousy.
He says it's ok that I spend time with Blue Eyes.
He briefly mentioned sexual safety, time sharing logistics, but what seems to bother him the most is what other people will think. How much hell we'd get from our families and how worried they'd be about our kids. He doesn't want our friends to think we are cheating on one another.
Being "out" isn't something I've thought much about at all. I'm not even sure if my family knows I'm bisexual and I honestly don't care. It's none of their business. I don't see this as any different. What would make it different is if one of us found ourselves wanting a long term relationship with another partner, but am I naive in thinking that this is a bridge we can cross later? I never want to make anyone feel less than, secondary, all that. I'm not sure what that dynamic will even look like. At this point it's hypothetical.
As for the kids, they are all young and it's easy to describe any relationships as friendships and leave it at that. We wouldn't be exposing them to people that could very well leave their lives. I value consistency with them.

I'm just relieved that he has confirmed he has feelings and has thought about this stuff. Relieved he brought it up and shared opinions.
 
Coming out is probably a bridge you can cross later, unless your husband wants to discuss the specifics now.
 
Dean came home last night to me washing dishes, put down his work bag and just started in "hey, so I listened to this podcast today".
Yup, it was a poly podcast and it allowed us to talk about poly in a really casual way. It's basically been what I've been wanting to do for weeks.
By the end of the night he was asking me specifically about BlueEyes, if I'd like to see him. I told him I was glad he asked and that yeah I did, but wasn't sure how I'd ever bring it up. I was able to explain the nature of my relationship with BlueEyes at this point too. All pretty casually, like friends, like best friends.
He made me feel so loved last night.
Dean's always made me feel lucky and he continues to do so.
 
That all sounds really encouraging, Bathed. If his main concern is just not wanting others to know...given that your relationship with BlueEyes would be long distance, that would be less of an issue (than someone in your area.) At any rate, it's great that he's willing to discuss it :)
 
We're never getting back on track after this! :p

It's ok. I am slightly curious how I compare, but one of the thongs I did was purposely not count partners so I'd have to make a list if I wanted to compare stats. Maybe someday, but not today.
 
That all sounds really encouraging, Bathed. If his main concern is just not wanting others to know...given that your relationship with BlueEyes would be long distance, that would be less of an issue (than someone in your area.) At any rate, it's great that he's willing to discuss it :)

We are all in the same city. We know people in common. It would easily look like I'm cheating on Dean with BlueEyes. As a matter of fact a concerned friend already texted Dean about it, expressing his "condolences" for "having to go through this". Dean set him straight, but yeah his first thought was that I'm cheating on Dean. I can understand it, and it stung a teensy bit, but I was also kinda happy someone was looking out for Dean and my marriage. Our friend apologized to both of us, admitted he was letting his own stuff project onto us.

I think it's pretty clear that Blue Eyes and I like each other, we sit too close, goggle too much, casually touch too often for there to be nothing there even though I am historically a very physically affectionate person with just about everyone on the planet and my friends know this bout me. They also know I often go out alone and that I like to meet new people and talk to strangers. They know all of this, but I can see assumptions being made.
 
I wanted to share something that is making me feel proud of myself.
I am practicing self control and working within my boundaries. I'm not someone who usually doesn't practice self control, but it has always been hard for me to fight impulses of the heart. They feel so urgent and important.
BUT I am working within Dean and my negotiation and I'm super proud of myself for not caving.
The last time I saw BlueEyes was for coffee and I cleared it with Dean beforehand. I gotta say being able to see BlueEyes knowing Dean was cool with it was so amazing and pretty hot. Maybe that's a little twisted, but I don't think I care.
I'm waiting to see BlueEyes again until Dean is comfortable with it. Until then Dean's cool if we text and that's fun for me because it gives BlueEyes and I time to get to know each other and Blue Eyes' texts make me giggle and smile.

I know all of these "rules" and getting permission sounds a little weird, at least I think it does, but we are just starting to negotiate and taking baby steps. I'll take ANY steps. Steps are good.

BlueEyes isn't too invested in me from what I can tell, we def. need to have a face to face, heart to heart sometime, but for now he seems ok with how we interact. I do consider his feelings. I care about him more than I can admit to him right now.

So, yay me for doing the things!
 
My apologies. For some reason, I thought Blue Eyes was long-distance...

No problem. I don't think I ever specified where BlueEyes was and it seems a lot of poly relationships involve some LDR. That's my impression from reading other people's stories anyways.
 
4 days ago Dean asked me if I wanted to see BlueEyes.
It was kinda out of the blue, I was about to fall asleep actually.
I answered him yes, that I would like to see BlueEyes and that it would just be for a hang and normally I wouldn't wait for his permission to hang out with a friend, but that he is more than that. More than a hang, not quite a date, but not not a date.
We would meet for a drink, maybe get something to eat, probably walk around downtown, talk, laugh, flirt. Enjoy each other's company.
I haven't seen BlueEyes in two weeks. I had to check my calendar because I though it was more like a whole month. I miss him.
We text every day, but it's not the same.

So...I think I'm going to ask permission to go see him.
Wish me luck.
 
I saw Blue Eyes last night. I had been working up to bringing up being poly and I still haven't come right out and said it, but I suspect that will happen today.

I asked Dean if he minded if I went out (in general), next Dean said "are you going out with Blue Eyes?" I smiled big and said "can I?!" Dean said yeah so off I went on my first sanctioned date. I had been most afraid of the look on my face when I thought if asking Dean if I could go on a date with Blue Eyes, because I knew I couldn't help but smile. Dean made it all easy for me. I suspect it's because he loves me and wants to see me happy. Just a hunch.

I was very nervous and excited.

The moment of the night I liked best was walking down the street holding hands, it's all I've wanted to do, just to be physically close.

We had a good night, at one point I mentioned having a girlfriend while I was with my husband. I also told him Dean knew I was out with him and that I brought that up because I wanted him to know it was ok if we continued seeing one another. Blue Eyes gets uncomfortable when I talk about Dean. Specifically when I let him know that Dean and I have talked about Blue Eyes. (red flag? probably yes, or maybe he's just acting like most people would in this situation)
I wasn't trying to make the night all business, but there are things I need to communicate that aren't for texting.

The end of the night was weird. He was distant. I left feeling pretty rejected. There's backstory here I don't want to go in to, so just trust that my rejection was valid.

I talked to Blue Eyes, told him I left feeling rejected. I told him I would like to have a relationship with him and that I have no intention of leaving Dean, that Dean knows where I am, who I'm with.
I think I explained that I wanted a relationship concurrent with the one I have with Dean.
His reply was that it doesn't work for him "not in any romantic way" "I'm perfectly happy being intimate and close with you, though." I don't know what that means. I'm gonna find out today.
I told him I couldn't be intimate without being emotional.
I returned home crying my eyes out like a teenager. It felt like I just got dumped.
I respect Blue Eyes' stance, but I really hate it. I'm not mad at him or anything close to that, I'm just heartbroken.

I was afraid of this and here it is.

I'm gonna get some closure with Blue Eyes today, see what kind of relationship I can salvage. I'm gonna have to lick my wounds for a bit though. I felt so vulnerable.

The amazing news is that Dean held me while I cried. He asked me if Blue eyes was "being an ass", I said no of course. No one was being an ass.
I guess I thought Blue Eyes would be more open the idea of continuing to see me. I think he really cares about me, maybe that's why he doesn't like my situation? I'm just left with guesses. That'll make me nuts. I do intend on asking these questions to Blue Eyes. I think I had found a lot of hope in reading/hearing that even mono guys are willing to be with a poly woman for a while. I understand that sounds childish. I just wanted it to be true. I just wanted it to work. Feelings. I has so many.

This morning Dean told me he was sorry that it didn't work out and that he was ok while I was on my date. Part of me thinks he must be relieved in some way, but I don't know that to be true. I believe he genuinely feels for me and doesn't want to see me hurt. Dean is amazing, more now than I even knew a couple months ago.
I've learned so much about myself, Dean, life in general the past couple months. I know this will all be useful when I fall for someone else next time. We all know there will be a next time.

I guess there's still a small chance this thing could work out. Or I'm just being unrealistic.

So, today be sad with me and be happy with me.
I have THE best husband for me, the depth of his love is mind boggling. I need to start believing I deserve him. One of these days I will, I'm working up to it!

Happy/Sad is my norm so I guess all is well. They walk hand in hand.
 
It's too bad Blue Eyes didnt seem to get it. Maybe he's never really had much to do with polyamory before. Most people have no idea what it really means. You could talk about types of relationships that fall under the poly umbrella. Anything from fuck buddies to play partners, FWBs, or a real "boyfriend/girlfriend" or even "spouse" thing where you get all entangled in each others' lives.

I'm not sure if you've read up much on the "relationship escalator" concept, but you should. Then you can go in knowing how far up it you want to go with anyone, and find out where on the escalator potential partners are interested in going.

Lots of mono guys date poly women. Like the guys I date! I've been in different places on the escalator with different men, depending on our chemistry and their needs or desires. I generally want a pretty involved boyfriend, ideally, but right now my health is not so great... so all I really want is a casual FWB type of thing. Once a week for a few hours' date is all I really have energy for. I'd even be fine with every other week. With chatting in text in between to keep the flow going.
 
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