Erasing secrets from relationships past

This posting is a little long but it's about others erasing relationships and behaviors from long ago.

27 years ago I was with a woman where we were both actively bisexual but identified as gay. We both had male body bodies and did things together and apart. We were poly and bisexual however we only said we were lesbian. I have grown to appreciate there is a difference between identity and behavior in both arenas.

Yesterday I noted and mentioned we never spoke about that when we were together. We just did whatever and kept it a secret and asked if she ever actually identified as bisexual. After several back and forths for what I thought was a simple question I noticed she was deflecting the answer. “It was a long time ago” or some other comment slightly to the left of what I was asking. Simple, yes, I know you are lesbian now but did you ever identify as bisexual? Her answer was no, eventually.

I found this to be slightly irritating because it was erasing our history together like it never happened or she was ashamed of it and was easier to historically deny it by not answering the question. In other areas this is called bi-erasure. Where the gender of the partner determines your identity in the moment.

My mother was poly and in a 10 year relationship with a couple. Their daughter was my best friend all those years and then some. I remember it being another loving couple we visited all the time but it ended badly and when I spoke to her about it 20 years later talking about poly this or that I had the same experience. It was a long time ago then minimizing its importance or what it was, a triad of some variety. But now, it was nothing.

For me identity is important. In particular to be out as bisexual no matter my relationship status, freedoms or activities. I have a wife and appear lesbian. It’s a thing for me. If poly were more acceptable I’d be out about it everywhere though it’s really our worst kept secret among all our friends.

I am curious to know, have you reconnected with someone long after the ending of a relationship and had them minimize what it was as poly or bisexual or something that was just difficult and secret at the time that seems to be your history and their shame of some sort?
 
We just did whatever and kept it a secret and asked if she ever actually identified as bisexual. After several back and forths for what I thought was a simple question I noticed she was deflecting the answer. “It was a long time ago” or some other comment slightly to the left of what I was asking. Simple, yes, I know you are lesbian now but did you ever identify as bisexual? Her answer was no, eventually.

I found this to be slightly irritating because it was erasing our history together like it never happened or she was ashamed of it and was easier to historically deny it by not answering the question.

Maybe she was ashamed of it because she really didn't want to be doing it. It may depend on her definitions. Just because she had sex with her male friend, doesn't mean she was ever really attracted to him. It's very likely that she did it as a sense of obligation or experimentation and now regrets it. Maybe something happened, maybe she did it because she thought it would make you happy, maybe she has her own demons to work through, then and/or now. There are a lot of maybes and if she's not willing to be specific, it's not really your place to demand an answer.

Take her at her word and let it go. You might want to take a hard look at why you feel the need to push the issue when it makes her so obviously uncomfortable. Why do you need a label so badly and why do you need to make others fit into your labeling system or admit to labels that don't fit who they are now?
 
...it was erasing our history together like it never happened or she was ashamed of it and was easier to historically deny it by not answering the question. In other areas this is called bi-erasure. Where the gender of the partner determines your identity in the moment.

I get the bi-erasure concept, but similar can be said about gay people who had straight relationships and to get upset about "straight-erasure" would be a little absurd. Should I be upset with my college boyfriend who long ago came out because he rarely tells anyone that he had a girlfriend once upon a time? We are still friends, some 30 years later, and few of his current friends know of our history, not out of shame but just out of social convenience. Our relationship is pretty much socially erased there, yet I would not dream of reverse outing him. It's my choice to keep the friendship and as such, I respect that he identifies in whatever way is appropriate for him today, despite our heterosexual intimacy in decades past.
 
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I've heard that some people can change identities over the years. Such as transitioning from gay to bi. But I can't speak from personal experience.
 
Maybe she was ashamed of it because she really didn't want to be doing it. It may depend on her definitions. Just because she had sex with her male friend, doesn't mean she was ever really attracted to him. It's very likely that she did it as a sense of obligation or experimentation and now regrets it. Maybe something happened, maybe she did it because she thought it would make you happy, maybe she has her own demons to work through, then and/or now. There are a lot of maybes and if she's not willing to be specific, it's not really your place to demand an answer.

Take her at her word and let it go. You might want to take a hard look at why you feel the need to push the issue when it makes her so obviously uncomfortable. Why do you need a label so badly and why do you need to make others fit into your labeling system or admit to labels that don't fit who they are now?

She had her own long term boy toy and lead us as a couple into all kinds of fun things. There was no arm twisting. It was something we enjoyed together and long before me.

I don't care if she identifies as lesbian. I just wanted to know if she ever identified as bi. It seemed a simple question that solicited a strange round about diminished conversation.
 
Maybe she didn't identify as bi even when she was bi? Is that possible?
 
If poly were more acceptable I’d be out about it everywhere ....

Well, you say it yourself: If being out were more acceptable, you'd be out. That's the issue for everyone who is in the closet about anything. People are just about as out as they perceive themselves to be able to be, including you.
 
I am curious to know, have you reconnected with someone long after the ending of a relationship and had them minimize what it was as poly or bisexual or something that was just difficult and secret at the time that seems to be your history and their shame of some sort?

That't the thing. It is your history. It can't be erased -- you know it.

If she's feeling shame about her past, it's her shame. Not yours. Could let her stuff be her stuff, and don't let how she chooses to deal with it (or not) be your burden. She did answer your question -- she said "No." Accept it and let it go.

I just wanted to know if she ever identified as bi. It seemed a simple question that solicited a strange round about diminished conversation.

What may be simple to you, may not be to someone else. If you notice she's uncomfortable, you could let the conversation go.

Galagirl
 
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I don't care if she identifies as lesbian. I just wanted to know if she ever identified as bi. It seemed a simple question that solicited a strange round about diminished conversation.
Maybe she didn't identify as bi, because the label was in some way uncomfortable to her? Like, unusual? Or more attracted to women and just partially to men - easier to identify as lesbian?
Of course the avoiding is weird, but it could have a number of different explanations...
 
...did you ever identify as bisexual? Her answer was no, eventually......like it never happened or she was ashamed of it and was easier to historically deny it by not answering the question.

You got your answer. Everything else, you are assuming, including her "shame." She may very well not be ashamed at all and not trying to "erase" anything. That's all your story unless she's told you otherwise.
 
I cannot say whether shame is the right word for what you have seen. I read people (at least most people) well enough that I'd be confident in saying someone was experiencing shame, if I sensed it...especially if I knew them well. But most people I know, might misread something like that. So it's worth pointing out the other possibilities.

Not everyone lives by labels and identifying terms. I personally prefer the freedom to "just be me" and evolve accordingly. I refuse to commit to planting my flag and declaring myself something. The idea makes me uncomfortable. When I was doing poly, I often said that while I was loving the experience, I could be mono again, no big deal. Had polyfolk get all consternated at me about it. "BUT YOU'RE POLY." Like I could not ever do something different once I achieved my FINAL POLY FORM!! Uh...nah. It don't work that way for me. And if I find myself in a closed relationship with a man, I'm as straight as can be...I won't deny I've been with women in my life, but it feels silly to say that I AM bisexual in the here and now of today when I've only eyes for one and he is male as can be. *shrug* ??

I'm just me. Doing whatever thing I'm doing with my life for some span of time. Open to other possibilities if they become appropriate to my journey in the future. Not too worried about it.

And as such, if someone I knew made me feel cornered about MY IDENTITY I might get a little uncomfortable along the lines of "why is this such a big deal to you right now?"
 
And as such, if someone I knew made me feel cornered about MY IDENTITY I might get a little uncomfortable along the lines of "why is this such a big deal to you right now?"

It was just a simple question. I'm not invested in her identity. We dated in 1990.

I know there's a fondness for discussing and dismissing labels. Labels, to me, are simply a form a common communication. If I say lesbian, you more or less know what that means. If lesbian is not what you are then you'd likely explain further so we can communicate. I'm not sure why people feel boxed in. It's just a discussion that can be as elaborate as it needs to be as compared to how precise you want to be.

For example, I'm bisexual and I usually add that I am emotionally lesbian but I am more sexually oriented toward men. I may have an very long term awareness and vocabulary to have found what seems to fit. It's been true for me for 27 years. I identified as lesbian for 10 of those years even when actively sleeping with men.

So yes, I understand there is a multitude of reasons. I was asking the universe what some of those were. To me it felt like shame. We had a rocking good time sleeping with men together (usually long term body buddies). I'm just sad she did not see it that way looking back.
 
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