Orlandobif
Member
This posting is a little long but it's about others erasing relationships and behaviors from long ago.
27 years ago I was with a woman where we were both actively bisexual but identified as gay. We both had male body bodies and did things together and apart. We were poly and bisexual however we only said we were lesbian. I have grown to appreciate there is a difference between identity and behavior in both arenas.
Yesterday I noted and mentioned we never spoke about that when we were together. We just did whatever and kept it a secret and asked if she ever actually identified as bisexual. After several back and forths for what I thought was a simple question I noticed she was deflecting the answer. “It was a long time ago” or some other comment slightly to the left of what I was asking. Simple, yes, I know you are lesbian now but did you ever identify as bisexual? Her answer was no, eventually.
I found this to be slightly irritating because it was erasing our history together like it never happened or she was ashamed of it and was easier to historically deny it by not answering the question. In other areas this is called bi-erasure. Where the gender of the partner determines your identity in the moment.
My mother was poly and in a 10 year relationship with a couple. Their daughter was my best friend all those years and then some. I remember it being another loving couple we visited all the time but it ended badly and when I spoke to her about it 20 years later talking about poly this or that I had the same experience. It was a long time ago then minimizing its importance or what it was, a triad of some variety. But now, it was nothing.
For me identity is important. In particular to be out as bisexual no matter my relationship status, freedoms or activities. I have a wife and appear lesbian. It’s a thing for me. If poly were more acceptable I’d be out about it everywhere though it’s really our worst kept secret among all our friends.
I am curious to know, have you reconnected with someone long after the ending of a relationship and had them minimize what it was as poly or bisexual or something that was just difficult and secret at the time that seems to be your history and their shame of some sort?
27 years ago I was with a woman where we were both actively bisexual but identified as gay. We both had male body bodies and did things together and apart. We were poly and bisexual however we only said we were lesbian. I have grown to appreciate there is a difference between identity and behavior in both arenas.
Yesterday I noted and mentioned we never spoke about that when we were together. We just did whatever and kept it a secret and asked if she ever actually identified as bisexual. After several back and forths for what I thought was a simple question I noticed she was deflecting the answer. “It was a long time ago” or some other comment slightly to the left of what I was asking. Simple, yes, I know you are lesbian now but did you ever identify as bisexual? Her answer was no, eventually.
I found this to be slightly irritating because it was erasing our history together like it never happened or she was ashamed of it and was easier to historically deny it by not answering the question. In other areas this is called bi-erasure. Where the gender of the partner determines your identity in the moment.
My mother was poly and in a 10 year relationship with a couple. Their daughter was my best friend all those years and then some. I remember it being another loving couple we visited all the time but it ended badly and when I spoke to her about it 20 years later talking about poly this or that I had the same experience. It was a long time ago then minimizing its importance or what it was, a triad of some variety. But now, it was nothing.
For me identity is important. In particular to be out as bisexual no matter my relationship status, freedoms or activities. I have a wife and appear lesbian. It’s a thing for me. If poly were more acceptable I’d be out about it everywhere though it’s really our worst kept secret among all our friends.
I am curious to know, have you reconnected with someone long after the ending of a relationship and had them minimize what it was as poly or bisexual or something that was just difficult and secret at the time that seems to be your history and their shame of some sort?