Meeting Partners

Amarna

New member
Hello all! It's been awhile since I last logged in here but I've got a situation and could use some suggestions.

My husband will be meeting my partner of 4 months in a few days. My partner is also bringing along another partner of his for me to meet. We've planned a double coffee date thing at a cafe we all like. No expectations other than friendly conversation and a meet and greet. My husband was the one to ask to meet my partner and then partner's girlfriend wanted to meet me so he asked if she could come along and I saw no reason not to. I told my husband that she'd probably be there too and that's when he started feeling unsure.

My husband is now very nervous about the meeting and keeps saying things like "He'll (my partner) have two people on his side and I'll be outnumbered." :/ The intention was not to outnumber my husband, that never even occurred to me while we were planning things. I'll be arriving and leaving with my husband and my partner is arriving and leaving with his girlfriend. I'm not expecting a confrontation so am not sure of why there is a need for "sides". Is there a way I can help my husband to feel more confident going into this? Something I can do to offer reassurance?

I've asked him why he feels this way and all he tells me is "I just do." Or "Because he'll have two people there and I'll have no one." I've reassured him that I'm there with him, that I'll support him, he won't be alone and that no one is going to team up against him or anything. I didn't say this to my husband because I didn't want to minimize his feelings but I'm not sure where this animosity or fear of animosity is coming from as neither my partner nor his girlfriend have ever met my husband or done anything to warrant the reaction my husband is having. He's refusing to talk to me about how he's feeling or why and now simply wants to shut the meeting down altogether.

This is the first time my husband and I have met other partners which I'm sure is feeding into insecurities here, I want to rectify the situation if I can as it took so long to arrange and I'm not sure when the stars will align for childcare and everyone's schedules lining up again.
 
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Hi Amarna,

I actually get the impression your husband doesn't like poly in general, he is thinking up excuses why he should be opposed to it. First he insists on meeting your partner, then he looks for the slightest thing wrong with the planned meet so that he can cancel the whole thing. Then once it's canceled, what can he say? "You won't let me meet your partner." Or, "You'll only let me meet your partner under unfair conditions." It probably sounds like I'm spinning an awfully unfair picture of him, I don't think he's necessarily doing this deliberately, it could be subconscious. But it does perhaps speak to deeper reservations he may have.

I think the biggest problem you're facing is that he won't communicate, at least not to any significant degree. This may be in part because he doesn't know the contents of his own mind in this area. It's unfortunate there's not enough time for him to meet with a counselor before meeting with your partner (and your partner's other partner). He needs to do some digging to get down to the root of his fears. You can reason with him all day but he isn't speaking from a place of reason, he's speaking from a place of fear. And he seems to be both unable and unwilling to talk about it.

All you can do is try. Try to reassure him; try to reason with him. In the end, if he refuses to go to this thing, there isn't any way you can force him into it. I'm sorry I don't have any better suggestions for you at this time.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you Kevin,

I think that too from time to time but on the other hand my husband has had other partners including a present girlfriend whom he's been seeing about a month at this point. He has actually suggested a meeting with her already but has yet to set it up. So...I'm confused as to why something that's good for his relationships and partners and is something that he's requested of me to set up with mine is all of a sudden off the table...it seems like such a big flip. I sometimes think he wants poly for himself but because my style of poly isn't his he's not okay with it in my case.

I would agree that communication and fear is the big issue here. I'm trying to be patient and continue to reason and reassure him but at this point without more details as to why he's feeling the way he is it feels like I'm on repeat and getting nowhere.
 
Re:
"I sometimes think he wants poly for himself but because my style of poly isn't his he's not okay with it in my case."

You might be onto something there. :(
 
Tell him to invite his gf to come along.

She runs a girl scout troop and that's the night of the week they meet and she's an hour away from where we're meeting so I'm not sure if that would be feasible. Otherwise I totally would, but I could always extend the invite anyway, it can't hurt. :)
 
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I'm just going to come right out and say that is some strange behavior. Even so, he wouldn't be the first guy to be okay with dating others but not okay with his wife dating others. He has a lot to work out. Only he can work that out for himself.
 
Let me offer another POV.

My husband was the one to ask to meet my partner and then partner's girlfriend wanted to meet me so he asked if she could come along and I saw no reason not to. I told my husband that she'd probably be there too and that's when he started feeling unsure.

What I understand is this...

Your husband asked to meet your BF.
  • He was prepared for it to be a 3 people gathering. (you, husband, your BF).
  • He was prepared to be meeting 1 new person -- your BF.

Your BF's other GF said she wanted to meet you. So your BF asked you if she could tag along and make it a 4 people thing.

  • 4 people thing is not 3 people thing. Did you say "Not on this date. Because the thing I am trying to arrange is a 3 people thing. How about we do a separate 3 people thing with you, me, and your GF on another date?" Nope.
  • Did you stop to check in with your husband to see he was open to turning his 3 people request to a 4 people thing? Nope.
  • You just up and told him that she was going to be there too. You presumed to consent "for the couple" without actually stopping to ask him how he feels about it. You changed the parameters of his request without asking him. You basically ran right over him.
  • Now because it took you time and trouble to arrange a 4 people thing, you want to figure out how to get husband to just lump it and go anyway.

That all doesn't sound like kind treatment of husband to me. :(

In his shoes? I would be annoyed by all that. I would have called you on it.

I've reassured him that I'm there with him, that I'll support him, he won't be alone and that no one is going to team up against him or anything.

Well, when you agree to meet a request of his and don't actually deliver it? Instead you run him over and change it on him without his consent? You said one thing but did another. Later on your Word is going to be hard to believe. When you explain how you will be there and be supportive and so on... it might ring a bit hollow.

I don't see how it is "supportive" to be trying to get your husband to go along with your scheduling faux pas just so you don't have to go around making new arrangements.

Is there a way I can help my husband to feel more confident going into this? Something I can do to offer reassurance?
This is the first time my husband and I have met other partners which I'm sure is feeding into insecurities here, I want to rectify the situation if I can as it took so long to arrange and I'm not sure when the stars will align for childcare and everyone's schedules lining up again.

If the goal is to rectify the situation with your husband after you ran him over?
  • You could apologize to husband for speaking out of turn.
    • You agreed to arrange a 3 people thing and then changed it on him without asking if that was ok with him.
    • You could apologize for that behavior. You are sorry for doing that and promise not to do that again in future. You promise to actually ask for his willingness to participate in things and not just assume he will do whatever you want.
    • You could ask if he's still willing to do a 3 people thing with (him, You and BF) like he originally requested. If he is willing, you will try to arrange for his original request and actually follow through this time.
  • You could call BF and ask if he is willing to meet husband on X date as 3 people only -- the original goal. (If meeting in person is hard because of childcare, perhaps just do a short Skype thing as 3 people once children are in bed. You and husband can share a computer from your home and talk to BF at his home.)
  • You could tell BF you are willing to meet his other GF -- but on a separate date. Not yet ready for a 4 people thing.

Does husband have social anxiety? IME, persons who do don't like it when situations get too "people-y" or suddenly change from one thing to another.

Galagirl
 
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