Keep on walkin - Part I

Beyoh

New member
Hello, all. :)

I’ve been lurking about and reading here for a while, but I decided finally to put myself out here some…

I am late-30’s/F. I’ve considered myself polyamorous for maybe seven years now, and have identified and lived as such for maybe a little over two. I feel more solid in my identity - in general, but also as poly - now than I did even a year or two ago. But I still feel I have so many issues around sex and relationships, and sometimes the same things trip me up over and over, in these areas and life in general.

I'm currently involved sexually, romantically, emotionally with a man I'll call Curlz.

I'm "it's complicated" with a good friend of over a decade with whom I had an on & off relationship for just over six years. Currently we are trying to keep things good on the close-nonsexual-friends level. (I'll find a nickname for him later.)

I’ve read the phrase “coming to polyamory from cheating.” That was me. *hand up*

(Random: Does anyone else think there’s a better word out there than “polyamory”? Idk why, but…it just sounds like it should have a slang word for it, with fewer syllables or something. Anyway.)

I’m not a great communicator, I’m told. I am a private person by nature, and have the tendency to communicate better by answering questions directed to me rather than to just start talking about myself, my feelings, etc. So people close to me tell me I’m tight-lipped. But I don’t care to bullshit anyone (including self), on the other hand. I may give an answer through gritted teeth, waiting for the reaction, but I’ll give an honest one.

I’ve gone through more curious periods in my life, but I came out the other side of them a straight woman.

I have a tendency to date mono men. This includes men who claim to be poly, but whose actions and responses to me/my actions speak otherwise, and men who tell me outright that they consider themselves monogamous AND that that is what they’d like, but who decide they’re willing to have a go at it with me anyway.

I think there are several reasons I am drawn to, and wind up choosing to date, mono men:
- I’m not sure if I’m really poly - if being romantically and sexually nonexclusive is what I WANT for myself - or if living that way is the only way I can see to make or have the relationships that suit my life right now.
- I’m truly noncommittal and have too-high expectations for the men I date (this is the case to some degree), and I feel that choosing to be nonexclusive takes anyone I might like and want to date/sleep with/hang with/have some level of relationship with “off the hook” to be “everything” to me (blegh - this conjures up cinderella myth images and feeling-echoes of co/dependency on someone else) - maybe there is validity to this, though? Sometimes I think so, sometimes I think - I’m being selfish and just trying to have my cake and eat it too.
- I really AM selfish. As hell. And want to be in control of the situation.
- Where I live in the US, polyamory/nonexclusivity/openness is often just chalked up to being promiscuous - I don’t find a lot of people who have heard the terms, much less who practice any form of it. (You’re either “faithful” or “cheating”.) This means that the pool to draw from here is very small. I’ve dated a couple of men who told me up front that they were married, and that their wife was “fine with it”, but when the rubber hit the road, things were a different story - often that the wife was not only on board, but she hadn’t even been made aware that there was someone else in the picture. The other end of the spectrum is that the man has an SO who IS aware and cool with it, but upon getting to know him/the situation, he’s much more interested in sex and/or kink than with the other parts of the relationship.
- Maybe in truth I don’t want to have to deal with jealousy or sharing, but I’m okay with a partner having to deal with those issues. (ugh - just trying to be real here)

I’ll admit that I could search more/harder to find people who live a poly lifestyle. Dating websites like OKCupid feel like a waste of time to me. I’ve found that I have to spend enough time around someone, in some varied circumstances, to know if I’m even attracted to them - looks and facts do nothing for me. (So I’m demiromantic/demisexual as well…?) But - the flipside to this is that I’m seldom to never attracted to a person that shows no signs of attraction to me. (Is that just a subconscious defense mechanism, or part of what it can mean to be demi-whatever?)

(--Part II to come)
 
Keep on walkin - Part II

--(continued)--

I’m currently involved with a man - I’ll call him Curlz - who has always claimed to be mono, and have been for most of the past year. (We called it off for a few months when we hit a wall and couldn’t get on the same page for several different reasons.) He is not currently seeing anyone else. He has some degree of social anxiety and says he doesn’t read body language/nonverbal cues well.
When we first hooked up, I had slowly gotten to know some of his personality over the course of 6-8 months because he would come into my place of work. He was quiet and kind. I thought he was aloof and maybe a little arrogant, but it turned out that he was mostly lost in thought, and didn’t speak much for some lack of confidence. We went out and had a couple drinks and got tipsy together, and he kissed me at the end of the night. I remember being caught up in the way he smelled and felt against me, and also the nice bit of height and width he had on me (I am a taller woman). The chemistry felt great. I thought about it and him a lot after that, and we started spending some, then a lot, of time together.

Unfortunately, Curlz and I drank recreationally together a lot, and that plus his trying to wrap his mind around how someone could be happy without an exclusive, committed (read: escalator-riding) relationship, spurred some mess and misunderstanding between us, ending in a sudden calling it off for a few months. But then we went out for lunch together a couple of times, talked about life, and eased back into being intimate - emotionally, intellectually, physically, sexually.

I see the ways in which he is, as he claims, socially awkward, but he is also highly intelligent, artistic, poetic, empathic, understanding, and compassionate. He can be a little goofy at times, and he knows it. LOL. He’s a genuinely good guy. He’s been very good to me, and I want him to be happy - more than I want a relationship with him for my own selfish reasons.

A few more factors in my choice not to have (what I see as) a traditional-looking, escalator-riding, full-time, possibly-cohabitating relationship are thus:

- I work a full-time day job (like the rest of us!), and there are a few other things I’m passionate about doing with my time/life, and a couple more that I want to learn the skills for (not a lot of time to devote to a partner).
- I don’t usually think or focus well with someone else in the house/space. I feel like I need to be helping ensure their comfort, doing chores, or something of the like. (I have a big/deep streak of “pleaser” in me…always tried to be the good kid to whomever was in authority over me…)
- When I’m wrestling with or evaluating something that I need to deal with (which seems par for the course in this lifestyle), I like to be alone to do it.
- I’m also not great at using all my time well. LOL! Seriously though…sometimes some total downtime, doing nothing productive, is exactly what I need.
- I am childless by choice, and although I do feel my biological clock tick at times, I have no desire to change that situation.
- I have co/dependency and other issues in my personal history, which manifest themselves at times in any kind of relationship, but seemingly worst in an exclusive partnership. I struggle against thin air; I make mountains of molehills; I start to need more than I have and become discontent. I start to pick on my partner. I don’t seem to do these things when what time I get to spend with a partner is limited and has to be planned for - it seems more precious? somehow.
- The co/dependency crap also involved issues of autonomy - or rather, the lack thereof, which I’ve tackled steadily and also feel much more solid on at this point.
- I’m *out* on public displays of possession. Affection, sure - I have a great network of friends & acquaintances, and a good support system. I appreciate and love my tribe. (I don’t need to fuck someone to feel close to them or share real parts of myself with them. I DO need to trust them, and trust comes from time, experience, and consistency.) I’m one of the first to give out hugs. I claim a couple of friends, who were once lovers, with whom big hugs and “smoochy” kisses on the cheek or lips (no tongue LOL) are par for the course upon meeting each other in public, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. But shows of jealousy and possession are things I do not like, want, or handle well.
- I compartmentalize much and pretty easily. I personally see this as something that started in my very early years, when my sister and I were expected to be/live one way, follow one set of rules, etc at the weekly residence of one of our divorced parents, and then to be/live another, follow another set of rules, etc, on the weekends, at the other parent’s. (Maybe that’s bullshit; I really don’t know. I find that I try to “shrink” myself on a regular basis. #fruitless?) To me, it’s not usually “all in or all out”, especially in relationships! It’s “I like you; you like me; what works best for you; what works best for me; let’s compare notes and see if we can make something that works.”

All of this said, I pretty much believe that I am my own partner, first and foremost, as I am the one human I have to live with until my last breath. By default, as much as I may love and want my lovers and friends close to me and in my life, I must care for myself first. First fill up your own cup, and then let it overflow constantly to those around you.

Back to Curlz. Usually, he and I see each other about once per week. Sometimes more, but it’s difficult for me to get up and around in the mornings if I stay at his place, and I haven’t made much headway at fixing that, so I’ve pretty much nixed weeknight sleepovers. He has Tuesdays and Saturdays off, and I have Sat & Sun, so Friday nights are often (not always) an easy default for us.

Sometimes though, it can be two weeks or more between days/nights spent together. Just recently, it has been and will be more like three, with a fifteen-minute coffee visit just a couple days ago to break up that span of time. I’ve been VERY busy with work, end of year, holidays, and a parent’s recent wedding and honeymoon (I did a few days of dog/house-sitting while they were gone); my body has been doing screwy things regarding my cycle (which never ceases to mess with my mood and thoughts), and what little time I’ve had off from the day job I’ve used working on either a professional side-project or just getting my head and breathing straight.

This translated to him as me trying to send him a particular message with my absence, even though we touched base via text most every day, and I told him that way AND during coffee two days ago that there was indeed no “bad news” I needed to break to him, that I was just very busy, and at times felt very overcommitted and subsequently stressed out….

Which translated to ME that I may yet be “doing it wrong” by dating “outside my species”, or for the wrong reasons, etc.

Sometimes I feel as if I am banging both of our heads against a brick wall. :(

So…I’ve talked an awful lot here, and I feel I’m running out of time and steam. :) If you’ve stuck it out this far, thank you. If you did not, I don’t blame you. Haha!

Anyway - that’s my introduction of sorts! Anybody out there have any helpful criteria or measuring sticks for when and when not to try dating a mono? Or HOW? Or is that continually the wrong question to ask?

Beyoh
 
Hi Beyoh,

I don't think there's any special criteria for when and when not to date a mono. Other than mutual consent. As for how, that is something of an unknown, and particular to your situation ... You just figure it out little by little as you go along. Communication is always important, of course. But that's just one thing.

I hope things go well (and continue to go well) with Curlz. Just do the best you can; you'll have more time for him later when things settle down.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Ambivalent.

Called things off with Curlz last weekend. Hope I can make this cohesive. The gist is that I kept getting both verbal and behavioral signs from him that he needed more out of the relationship and me than I was eventually going to be able to give. More in the way of identifying as a couple, signs and signals and words that he was particularly special to me, things like that.

He had said several times before that "what we all want is to feel special (to someone)", and while I do agree with this completely, it also looks to me that he and I are coming from different backgrounds on this point: I have recently been extricating myself from the couple/partner/gf role what was essentially a mono-tried-to-turn-poly relationship with my ex (also a good friend for many years), whom I've decided to call Luxxx. (Both the responsibility for the attempted opening of the relationship and enough of the reasons for the ending/failure of all the above fall squarely upon my shoulders. The sage admonition that polyamory/nonmonogamy will NOT FIX problems in a relationship has been evidenced.) Curlz' bg story is more of a string of shortish-term, mostly serially monogamous relationships.

So while he has a need to know and be consistently told and shown that he is special to his partner, especially when he knows that she identifies as nonmonogamous/nonexclusive, I currently (and maybe increasingly as I age) have a need to be shown this in smaller ways (a touch here and there, an acknowledging smile between us in public, etc), and an equal need to feel that my identity and choice as solo and nonexclusive is acknowledged and respected as such, and as a part of who I am at this time.
I feel we were playing a small tug-of-war that got bigger at times, especially when my "normal" (for me) cycles of living brought me to the week or two of a month in which I liked to be around partners (sometimes people in general) less often, liked to interact less, and just needed more alone time or non-demanding "platonic" hanging out/talk time than I needed partnership so much. (I guess I should elaborate later on what "partnership" looks & feels like to me.)

Also, the stresses of transition from a dysfunctional wannabe poly partnership with Luxxx into a friendship again, and the time it is taking to find the boundaries that work for both he and I, do take their toll on me and peripheral relationships as well. Luxxxx was basically my anchor partner for about six years. Though we did not live together, we spent many nights and weekends together. We had (still have) keys to each other's homes, which often worked out when one of us was away but needed something checked on or turned on/off at home, but was also very symbolic of status at times as well. Getting things re-arranged in/with that relationship/friendship, while preserving integrity and trying to spare the worst of bad feelings at times, and also trying to avoid a no-contact period becoming necessary, is proving a chore to each of us at times, to say the very least.

So of course this has influenced my relationship with Curlz whether I want it to or not. I do often compartmentalize aspects of my life/feelings to a high degree, but I am still the same intact individual dealing with all this at once. (Luxxx once introduced me to the concept of the Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis, and we both agreed at that point that I may have fallen under that heading. Since then I feel I have straightened out a lot of the most intense/difficult parts of my life and relationship needs, which has chilled the appearance of behavioral patterns I might identify as symptoms of the disorder.)

Also: Curls has little problem or reservation expressing his thoughts and feelings verbally. I am by nature much more private and tight-lipped about my feelings and thoughts much of the time. It's just how I am; it's how my family of origin is. Its not that I have anything to hide. This was also often a point of contention between myself and Luxxx, as he has less reservation talking about anything at any time, and took issue with me being so much more private. It was also a very hot point regarding the issue of nonexclusivity/nonmonogamy between us, as I came to the concept of polyamory (sorry, sometimes I use these terms interchangeably; other times with deliberate and sometimes subtle differences in mind) from cheating, and he is no stranger to that fact.

I drank too much on Sunday night and was dealing yesterday with the muddied mind and depressive feelings/thoughts that for me accompany a hangover, but I slept long & well last night and am recouped and clear today.

I think about Curlz and whether I made the right move there. We're friends and will continue to be so, I have little doubt, but should I have thought more about this and tried to make some concessions? There are several things I really love about him and loved about our relationship, and I thought it was mostly working well for each of us, but the continued slight pressure -- was I feeling it from him, or putting it on myself?? -- to act in certain ways with him that I was not immediately feeling, and the other things in my life that were competing/conflicting right now....I just decided to give myself room to breathe, and did so. A couple days later, he texted and said he needed a yes or no on whether I might again be romantically involved with him at a later point. Because I did not want to give what might be false hope, and him hold out for something that had as much possibility of NOT happening as it did of actually happening, I just said no, if I couldn't do it now, I didn't want to say yeah, maybe later.

Now, I'm content enough with my decision - we can both move on on our paths - but also ambivalent over whether maybe it was hasty and with time we might have worked out some of our misunderstandings and differences. Maybe that's everyone's thought pattern over a breakup. ???
 
Edit: I have to include that influencing my decision also are the times I've heard Curlz say things like, "I don't even understand why someone/you would insist upon having/needing two boyfriends. What is that about??" Usually it came out like, "Do you just need that much attention and validation??" These would usually follow some kind of misunderstanding or bumping of heads between us, and a wave of apathy would usually wash over me after hearing that, rendering me unable and unwilling to continue the discussion, even devoid of the words to do so. I have made the mistake in the past of attempting to "usher someone into" polyamory, and while I believe that there are those people who are willing and exceptionally able to be someone's anchor and guide as they make their way into what can be an emotionally charged and disorienting-yet-gratifying labyrinth, it was not something that I was particularly suited for, and I did not do a decent job of it.

He said several times to me that he did not want to see or hear of me getting with other "friends", making new potentially romantic/sexual/intimate/WHATEVER connections, and all this translated to me as him wanting to turn a blind eye completely to the reality of my chosen life/love style and any other feelings I may have for other people. I felt that it went beyond DADT into the realm of denial, which I didn't want to facilitate myself. So I was often left feeling like I was calling the shots, dragging him along the path of what *I* wanted, and possibly even "using" him at times, none of which I wanted to participate in if I was being honest with myself and him. When I mentioned these things to him, he didn't have much for me in the way of helpful suggestion, either.
 
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