Hello, all.
I’ve been lurking about and reading here for a while, but I decided finally to put myself out here some…
I am late-30’s/F. I’ve considered myself polyamorous for maybe seven years now, and have identified and lived as such for maybe a little over two. I feel more solid in my identity - in general, but also as poly - now than I did even a year or two ago. But I still feel I have so many issues around sex and relationships, and sometimes the same things trip me up over and over, in these areas and life in general.
I'm currently involved sexually, romantically, emotionally with a man I'll call Curlz.
I'm "it's complicated" with a good friend of over a decade with whom I had an on & off relationship for just over six years. Currently we are trying to keep things good on the close-nonsexual-friends level. (I'll find a nickname for him later.)
I’ve read the phrase “coming to polyamory from cheating.” That was me. *hand up*
(Random: Does anyone else think there’s a better word out there than “polyamory”? Idk why, but…it just sounds like it should have a slang word for it, with fewer syllables or something. Anyway.)
I’m not a great communicator, I’m told. I am a private person by nature, and have the tendency to communicate better by answering questions directed to me rather than to just start talking about myself, my feelings, etc. So people close to me tell me I’m tight-lipped. But I don’t care to bullshit anyone (including self), on the other hand. I may give an answer through gritted teeth, waiting for the reaction, but I’ll give an honest one.
I’ve gone through more curious periods in my life, but I came out the other side of them a straight woman.
I have a tendency to date mono men. This includes men who claim to be poly, but whose actions and responses to me/my actions speak otherwise, and men who tell me outright that they consider themselves monogamous AND that that is what they’d like, but who decide they’re willing to have a go at it with me anyway.
I think there are several reasons I am drawn to, and wind up choosing to date, mono men:
- I’m not sure if I’m really poly - if being romantically and sexually nonexclusive is what I WANT for myself - or if living that way is the only way I can see to make or have the relationships that suit my life right now.
- I’m truly noncommittal and have too-high expectations for the men I date (this is the case to some degree), and I feel that choosing to be nonexclusive takes anyone I might like and want to date/sleep with/hang with/have some level of relationship with “off the hook” to be “everything” to me (blegh - this conjures up cinderella myth images and feeling-echoes of co/dependency on someone else) - maybe there is validity to this, though? Sometimes I think so, sometimes I think - I’m being selfish and just trying to have my cake and eat it too.
- I really AM selfish. As hell. And want to be in control of the situation.
- Where I live in the US, polyamory/nonexclusivity/openness is often just chalked up to being promiscuous - I don’t find a lot of people who have heard the terms, much less who practice any form of it. (You’re either “faithful” or “cheating”.) This means that the pool to draw from here is very small. I’ve dated a couple of men who told me up front that they were married, and that their wife was “fine with it”, but when the rubber hit the road, things were a different story - often that the wife was not only on board, but she hadn’t even been made aware that there was someone else in the picture. The other end of the spectrum is that the man has an SO who IS aware and cool with it, but upon getting to know him/the situation, he’s much more interested in sex and/or kink than with the other parts of the relationship.
- Maybe in truth I don’t want to have to deal with jealousy or sharing, but I’m okay with a partner having to deal with those issues. (ugh - just trying to be real here)
I’ll admit that I could search more/harder to find people who live a poly lifestyle. Dating websites like OKCupid feel like a waste of time to me. I’ve found that I have to spend enough time around someone, in some varied circumstances, to know if I’m even attracted to them - looks and facts do nothing for me. (So I’m demiromantic/demisexual as well…?) But - the flipside to this is that I’m seldom to never attracted to a person that shows no signs of attraction to me. (Is that just a subconscious defense mechanism, or part of what it can mean to be demi-whatever?)
(--Part II to come)
I’ve been lurking about and reading here for a while, but I decided finally to put myself out here some…
I am late-30’s/F. I’ve considered myself polyamorous for maybe seven years now, and have identified and lived as such for maybe a little over two. I feel more solid in my identity - in general, but also as poly - now than I did even a year or two ago. But I still feel I have so many issues around sex and relationships, and sometimes the same things trip me up over and over, in these areas and life in general.
I'm currently involved sexually, romantically, emotionally with a man I'll call Curlz.
I'm "it's complicated" with a good friend of over a decade with whom I had an on & off relationship for just over six years. Currently we are trying to keep things good on the close-nonsexual-friends level. (I'll find a nickname for him later.)
I’ve read the phrase “coming to polyamory from cheating.” That was me. *hand up*
(Random: Does anyone else think there’s a better word out there than “polyamory”? Idk why, but…it just sounds like it should have a slang word for it, with fewer syllables or something. Anyway.)
I’m not a great communicator, I’m told. I am a private person by nature, and have the tendency to communicate better by answering questions directed to me rather than to just start talking about myself, my feelings, etc. So people close to me tell me I’m tight-lipped. But I don’t care to bullshit anyone (including self), on the other hand. I may give an answer through gritted teeth, waiting for the reaction, but I’ll give an honest one.
I’ve gone through more curious periods in my life, but I came out the other side of them a straight woman.
I have a tendency to date mono men. This includes men who claim to be poly, but whose actions and responses to me/my actions speak otherwise, and men who tell me outright that they consider themselves monogamous AND that that is what they’d like, but who decide they’re willing to have a go at it with me anyway.
I think there are several reasons I am drawn to, and wind up choosing to date, mono men:
- I’m not sure if I’m really poly - if being romantically and sexually nonexclusive is what I WANT for myself - or if living that way is the only way I can see to make or have the relationships that suit my life right now.
- I’m truly noncommittal and have too-high expectations for the men I date (this is the case to some degree), and I feel that choosing to be nonexclusive takes anyone I might like and want to date/sleep with/hang with/have some level of relationship with “off the hook” to be “everything” to me (blegh - this conjures up cinderella myth images and feeling-echoes of co/dependency on someone else) - maybe there is validity to this, though? Sometimes I think so, sometimes I think - I’m being selfish and just trying to have my cake and eat it too.
- I really AM selfish. As hell. And want to be in control of the situation.
- Where I live in the US, polyamory/nonexclusivity/openness is often just chalked up to being promiscuous - I don’t find a lot of people who have heard the terms, much less who practice any form of it. (You’re either “faithful” or “cheating”.) This means that the pool to draw from here is very small. I’ve dated a couple of men who told me up front that they were married, and that their wife was “fine with it”, but when the rubber hit the road, things were a different story - often that the wife was not only on board, but she hadn’t even been made aware that there was someone else in the picture. The other end of the spectrum is that the man has an SO who IS aware and cool with it, but upon getting to know him/the situation, he’s much more interested in sex and/or kink than with the other parts of the relationship.
- Maybe in truth I don’t want to have to deal with jealousy or sharing, but I’m okay with a partner having to deal with those issues. (ugh - just trying to be real here)
I’ll admit that I could search more/harder to find people who live a poly lifestyle. Dating websites like OKCupid feel like a waste of time to me. I’ve found that I have to spend enough time around someone, in some varied circumstances, to know if I’m even attracted to them - looks and facts do nothing for me. (So I’m demiromantic/demisexual as well…?) But - the flipside to this is that I’m seldom to never attracted to a person that shows no signs of attraction to me. (Is that just a subconscious defense mechanism, or part of what it can mean to be demi-whatever?)
(--Part II to come)