Declining potential advances, demisexual

Skynet

New member
I'm new to poly, having entered into a relationship with a poly man. While this is something I wouldn't mind exploring for myself, I am demisexual, and as such, cannot experience sexual attraction without a deep emotional bond with someone.

I've been told by my partner that it will not be unusual if some of the people in his circle end up hitting on me/making advances. I don't want to come off as "oh, no, I'm not interested in YOU," and cause hurt feelings, nor do I want them to assume I'm mono because I currently have no other partners and am not actively seeking any.

What's the best way you can think of to deal with this if/when it comes up? His friends/the people in his poly circle are new people in my life and it could be months or years before I feel close enough to any of them to feel sexual attraction. I get the feeling the "you're hot, want to go out sometime?" mentality is strong, and I don't want to offend, but the answer is probably going to be, "no, thank you" for a long time.
 
'No, thank you' is completely sufficient. You owe no one any explanations. And if they are offended by a polite rejection, that is a very strong indication you do not want to date them ever.

If you get to a point of feeling attraction later on, I suggest asking them out at that point.
 
Hi Skynet,

I totally agree with opalescent, "No, thank you" is perfectly adequate ... or even, "Not at this time, thanks anyway." You can always ask that person out later if you become interested in them.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
You have a tremendous sympathy from me in this.

And I have explained it to many men that I've met in the last couple of years. I think that they were surprised to hear it the way I spoke it and they understood.

It is a common experience for a woman who is kind of people person (at least to some degree or other) and who simply...likes people...to feel bad turning them down when they want sex, or love, or a chance to get sex or love, or whatever. Usually it's the woman turning down men. And we feel guilty because we like the guy, he's a cool guy, we might even be rather fond of him, but that still does not mean we want to have sex with him.

Not because he is un-sexy. Or not liked. Or not appealing. Or because we are off the market, or a prude, or a lesbian, or because ANYTHING. Just because!

I have started saying, "I like you a lot. But I want you to understand that I like many people. I'm pretty extroverted like that, I tend to like most people. And if I had sex with everyone that I liked, I would never get anything done, ok? I hope that your feelings are not hurt, but I am not interested in having sex with you. If I change my mind someday, I promise that I will let you know."

That is the basic spiel I'm handing out.

Now, I am monosexual (at least insofar as men are concerned) with my Sadist. It would be easy to say that this is an unfair policy because he's threatened by other men and not women so One Penis Policy whether I like it or not...and that stance is condemned by many an egalitarian poly thinker. But to me, it just ain't so. He brings the male mojo to the table in spades and it is an easy thing for me to agree to. If anything, I'd like the chance to explore some opportunities with women, without a man in the middle of it taking up all of my attention, just connecting one on one if possible. Having this "one penis policy" that many men do understand, makes that easy. But I didn't agree to it under any sort of duress.

My point though is, if you came from a history of mono relationships, done the "standard, normal, assumed expectations" mode...then you may be struggling a bit with the fact that YOU GET TO SET YOUR OWN RULES for yourself. You might agree to things that your partners want, because it's a fine fit for your wants and your needs. But exploring something like polyamory often requires a shift to a place where instead of obsessing over whether it's fair or ok or allowed for us to ask for this, or set that boundary, or just want what we want because we want it...you have to get more comfortable with simply saying, "Hey. This is me. And I'm ok. I don't have to justify myself to you, or bend to your expectations...unless I CHOOSE to."

You don't owe them anything, and being kind does not mean giving them more than you wish to give.

And being poly, does NOT mean being a swinger, or being "available." I really wish more people understood that. I think it was the biggest source of fuss when I stopped being actively poly in my local poly community, I think some people hoped that since I was poly, that anyone had a shot. Well, no. Not so much.

Getting our heads around this "You do You and don't apologize for it" attitude is a big part of loving and respecting our selves. It's not easy. But I think it's worthwhile.
 
I'd be a bit wary of dating someone whose circle of friends is known to hit on everyone's partners. It seems rather predatory and disrespectful to me.

Be that as it may, if it does happen, just say "no, thanks." An explanation as to why not is never necessary! This idea that we need to justify our answers is a pet peeve of mine.

If someone persists and asks you why you don't want to go out with them, it should be enough to simply say, "I'm not interested." And if they then harangue you and become a nuisance, then you have to be a little hard-edged and direct with a firm "I've already given you my answer." Unfortunately, some people have a hard time hearing "no" and taking it seriously.

No need to keeep perpetuating the role of people pleaser and the idea that someone can eventually break you down and give them what they want.
 
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