Need feedback about foreplay (or lack of it)

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idealist

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I'm trying to help a dear friend, so any feedback is greatly appreciated.

In the beginning of the monogamous relationship, there was great passion and endless hours of foreplay, but no intercourse. She wanted to wait until she felt an emotional connection with him and he was okay with that. Finally, (after several months) she felt she was ready and the intensity of the desire he felt for her was so overwhelming that she gladly gave into him and they had intercourse. She went on a two week trip without him which was planned in advance and when she returned they resumed their relationship. But……from that point on until now (almost a year later)…..there is no more foreplay or passion. He just gets on, has an orgasm and gets off. When they are not in bed he is very affectionate, tells her he loves her 4 or 5 times a day, says she is beautiful etc. He has practically moved in with her and uses the words "us" and "we" all the time. She has talked to him about it and after each talk, he makes an good and successful effort to engage her in passionate foreplay before intercourse once, but then resumes his regular pattern of off and on……So- what’s up with that?? Any ideas?? What could be going on with this dude???
Thanks in advance !!
 
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What could be going on with this dude???
!

This is a quick response based on my own experience as the guy....loss of connection. Saying I love you 10 times a day won't compensate for the absence of real energy. He's doing something from a purely physical perspective in my opinion. He's making his body respond to stimulus, he's not communicating with her through his body.

He needs a spark.
 
Thanks Mono....That's what I told her.....something to stimulate the passion and get it going again.....but what type of spark?? It almost seems like his passion shut down as soon as he had intercourse.
 
Take it back in time and have her take the reins. Have her start the foreplay but end before the intercourse. Sometimes you need a refresher on why the salad course is wirth bothering with.
 
They need to connect first in my opinion. This isn't about sex. He needs a rebirth of loving her to spark his passion. Intercourse does not require passion..it requires a hard on. Honestly, I think they have to start communicating in other ways before they will truly communicate sexually. Sex can be both physical and spiritual. The physical aspect is soothed very easily..insert penis and with minimal energy, orgasm. The spiritual aspect is harder to acualize but brings with it immense passion. Insert energy and be rewarded with the pleasure of body and heart.

When I was disconnected from my ex wife, sex did not last long...I orgasmed very easily.Why...because I was engaging nothing but my physical being. When I am with Redpepper, I can last all night because it is about communicating through our bodies including a spiritual connect. I want that communication to last because I feel so connected and so my body naturally maintains a heightened but not premature sense of intensity. That also means I want to experience and share much more than just intercourse with her every time.

I think something bigger is missing from their relationship besides foreplay.
 
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I agree with Mono that perhaps the connection is gone and I agree with firechild that maybe she needs to take the reins but I also think there could be more going on.

Maybe he enjoyed the thrill of build up to having sex with her and now that he has it the thrill is gone. Perhaps this is just his way and he doesn't have an adventurous spirit at heart... ?
 
I think ya'll are over thinking it, lol.

He's lazy.

Tell her to hold off for a while - not "cutting him off" and using sex as a weapon, but straight tell him that unless she feels he wants her enough to put in some effort, not gonna happen.

This isn't unusual at all. Kinda been there myself to be honest, though not as bad as this story is painted to be. if she's willing to "put out" and tolerate his behavior in this area, some guys will take advantage of that.

:shrug:
 
Thanks Mono....That's what I told her.....something to stimulate the passion and get it going again.....but what type of spark?? It almost seems like his passion shut down as soon as he had intercourse.

I will take this a little different direction for perspective.

As much as people, especially loving people, hate talking about the game or the hunt, some people truly enjoy that aspect. The game is the chasedown and in the end sex is the reward. Once the reward has been achieved, the sex simply becomes gravy..

It is possible he has won his reward and now believe he has her as his sex toy. If she were to hold out, or make him work for it a bit...it might change things. Sex can in fact become monotonous...and has absolutely nothing to do with the connection. If thats the place where his head is at...they may just need some spice or a little widthdrawl...or even better a power exchange. If she is continually on the submissive side of the coin, sex become almost annoying to initiate.

The connection may be part of it, to be sure...but sometimes its far more simple than that.
 
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spiritual confusion, attration and alcohol

Thank for all of the feeback.....let me ask you guys a few more things.

He is very actively pursuing a spiritual life and that is one of the things they have in common because she is also very spiritual......he has even has become a "monk" but not a celibate monk. Do you think it's possible that his pursuit of "God" may be causing him conflict with sex. In other words....could there be an inner idea that "God is not sexual" and that might be preventing him to get into passionate sex?

Also- she asked him if there is a possibility that he is not attracted to her and he said "sometimes I am, and sometimes I see you like a sister". What does that mean?

Another thing to mention is that in the beginning of the relationship, they would drink large quanities of alchol and he would be very uninhibited sexually. Now, he has decided not to drink alcohol and even when he does, he seems to be controlling it. Could it just be that he is sexually inhibited by nature and the large quantities of alcohol help him unleash that, but now that he's not drinking, she is seeing his true inhibited nature?
 
He is very actively pursuing a spiritual life and that is one of the things they have in common because she is also very spiritual......he has even has become a "monk" but not a celibate monk. Do you think it's possible that his pursuit of "God" may be causing him conflict with sex. In other words....could there be an inner idea that "God is not sexual" and that might be preventing him to get into passionate sex?

Can't answer that one sorry. I am not only agnostic but I would fail even more miserably at religion if I believed god didn't want you to enjoy the pleasure of attempted reproduction.

Also- she asked him if there is a possibility that he is not attracted to her and he said "sometimes I am, and sometimes I see you like a sister". What does that mean?

ummmmm...my immediate take on this is that he has conflicted feelings of brotherly love and intimate love. I have never, and hope to never feel like a brother to anyone I am being intimate with. In my world those are conflicting feelings and emotions.

If a girl told me that, that I was sleeping with or was attacted to, I would likely get very turned off. He may be feeling that internally.

Another thing to mention is that in the beginning of the relationship, they would drink large quanities of alchol and he would be very uninhibited sexually. Now, he has decided not to drink alcohol and even when he does, he seems to be controlling it. Could it just be that he is sexually inhibited by nature and the large quantities of alcohol help him unleash that, but now that he's not drinking, she is seeing his true inhibited nature?

yes...yes is could. Alcohol does wonders for letting your inner wild child out. Being with someone who drinks a lot is a lot like jekyl/hyde affect. 1 person, 2 people...very fugged up.

My ex and I, when I was smoking lots of pot 12 years ago, called it pot love. You both join in and get high together and the drug rush "together" made it better and the relationship feel totally right. When in fact it is not love or even a good relationship.

From your brief description it sounds like she met jekyl, and ended up with hyde.
 
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He is very actively pursuing a spiritual life and that is one of the things they have in common because she is also very spiritual......he has even has become a "monk" but not a celibate monk. Do you think it's possible that his pursuit of "God" may be causing him conflict with sex.

One activity replacing another or generating a comparable high is not uncommon. I will probably get flamed for this but...riding motorcycle is the one activity that rivals sex as far as being a uniquely fulfilling experience for me. The edge going to sex with Redpepper because I am connected with her. Given the choice between a one night stand of casual sex with someone I am not connected to and riding with friends I would pick riding.

His focus may have changed but this does not mean he thinks negative of sex..maybe he just doesn't think of it that much.

My ex wife once told me she thought of me as another child or room mate. This lead to the catalyst which reconnected us. Regardless it indicates a possible reshaping of his love for her...perhaps one that comes and goes.

He may be NREing out on spirituality the way I first di with riding. Sex became much less importnat because I was getting such a rush from it.

Then again..I could be full of shit..but that's my take on things.
 
Racing my car is like that for me. Sex is almost hte ONLY thing that can distract me on race day - and frankly, since sex is avaiable after the event and on other days, and race days are maybe once a month - twice if I'm lucky... Well, Violet doesn't try that, my ex did. Violet is here, the ex isn't. Coincidence? Maybe...
 
Racing my car is like that for me. Sex is almost hte ONLY thing that can distract me on race day - and frankly, since sex is avaiable after the event and on other days, and race days are maybe once a month - twice if I'm lucky... Well, Violet doesn't try that, my ex did. Violet is here, the ex isn't. Coincidence? Maybe...

Well said :)
 
Mono, would you mind sharing your experience with reconnecting. I don't think it's been discussed on the board before... I could be wrong. But reconnection that allows sexual intimacy is a topic that hits close to home at the moment and I would love to hear anyone's experience with this.
 
Mono, would you mind sharing your experience with reconnecting.

Of course I will. This is how I work and I'm not blanketing anyone else with my own values and internal workings.

Reconnecting is a rebirth or resumption of energy transfer. It is the sense that there is something inside you wanting to be a part of something in some one else. I wrote another article around this called The Beauty of the self Preserving Entity.
Passion and sexuality is a form of communication for me. When I feel something inside me yearning for something inside some one else, that energy can be expressed with boundless and blinding passion. If something injects an interuption in that connection, (either taking some one for granted over time or an outside stimulus) then my energy stops and sex is just sex...a means to get off and takes next to no time and is not worth expending more energy than is required for physical release. I'm taking at this point or doing a chore for some one else.

I had to almost lose my ex wife to regain an appreciation for just how much she meant to me. Ironically the catlyst was her wanting to explore a relationship with a female friend of ours. It didn't happen but the response to almost leaving her as a result was that I felt that yearning again.

My connection with Redpepper has been interupted from time to time but not lost. The key to reconnecting in these cases was to discuss what was troubling me. This type of interuption is immediately noticeable because our enrgy is so strong that it leaves a huge void. When you slowly lose that yearning and subsequent enery for some one over time it is much harder to realize when it is gone.
 
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Thanks for the discussions and ponderings. My friend is a member here and she is reading your responses. We talked about it tonight and decided that she might paint a picture for him about what she is wanting.....the emotionally/spiritually/sexually integrated experience. And find out if this is something he is interested in also. It might well be that this is not neccessarily something he is focused on. When saying what he is looking for- he says "a lifetime partner" but he doesn't specify that the relationship should be rewarding in a certain way. They seem to have a good emotional/spiritual connection but with a disconnect from his side on the sexual aspect of the relationship. So- if he says that is not really something he is focused on or interested in, then she can say it is something she wants and request that he consider joining her in the pursuit of that type of connection. If he says he wants that type of connection then all they have to do is figure out how to get it.......any thoughts on that???
 
So- if he says that is not really something he is focused on or interested in, then she can say it is something she wants and request that he consider joining her in the pursuit of that type of connection. If he says he wants that type of connection then all they have to do is figure out how to get it.......any thoughts on that???

I personally think this is as simple and effective of an approach as anyone could suggest :)

Let us know how it goes!
 
Thank you for sharing mono. Until yesterday I was having trouble defining the connection that I am needing. Before my icky can of worms post my sexuality was purely physical. I needed to have a bond with my partner, but as soon as clothes came off my emotional wall went up. After I dropped that emotional guard there was just no going back for me and without this universal connection I simply cannot be physical. I'm currently working on getting that back. Something that first started as a want (experiencing emotional vunerability while being physical) has turned into and absolute need. It has taken me a long time to realize that this was the problem because of the switch. Now that I realize what the issue is and I have been able to define it I feel so much better and am ready to work on this.

For the OP, I think that is the perfect plan. I hope that he is receptive to her needs and I hope that he will be open about the possible issues he is having that is preventing him from doing these things in the first place.
 
Thanks for sharing everyone!!! a note to Ilove2men! I think he is experiencing what you are talking about.


Ilove2men said:
......I needed to have a bond with my partner, but as soon as clothes came off my emotional wall went up.

Being naked and having intercourse with your partner is a very intimate undertaking and can make a person feel very vulnerable. It is understandable after all that this might happen. My friend felt that as soon as she decided she was ready for intercourse and she let him know- he went straight for it and only in a physical way. That was the first time that they were together without the intense sexual foreplay. It seems like as soon as he knew it was time for intercouse, an emotional wall went up for him.


...... After I dropped that emotional guard there was just no going back for me and without this universal connection I simply cannot be physical. .

That's where my friend is now....she doesn't want the physical only connection. The question is, what does he really want.

Ilove2men said:
......I'm currently working on getting that back. Something that first started as a want (experiencing emotional vunerability while being physical) has turned into an absolute need. It has taken me a long time to realize that this was the problem because of the switch. .

It's interesting that you used the word "switch" because that's what she has called it a few times. It was like he flipped a switch.

Ilove2men said:
Now that I realize what the issue is and I have been able to define it I feel so much better and am ready to work on this.

For the OP, I think that is the perfect plan. I hope that he is receptive to her needs and I hope that he will be open about the possible issues he is having that is preventing him from doing these things in the first place.

May I ask....can you imagine how you would have felt if your partner brought this to your attention rather than figuring it out on your own? How would you want your partner to approach this topic? (He could get defensive if he feels she is judging him). What would you have liked to hear....what would have made you more receptive to this if it was coming from your partner?
 
Well, my situation is a bit different because I achieved my goal and after my fiance and my relationship fell into a terrible downward spiral so I am now having to rebuild the connection that was lost because of it. Our symptom is not a lack of foreplay, but zero sex at all! It has been a struggle for me to figure out the whys because I have always had a very active sex drive and I still do, but I was hitting an invisible wall.

When talking about sex and needs and desires I think the first thing that comes to someone's mind is to be defensive. I say that because who wants the blow of knowing that they aren't satisfying their partners needs, but I think a healthy combination of I statements and reassurances to the other partner will get them both through it. It's tricky because if it comes across the wrong way it may make him resentful (may not be the right word) and resistant to making improvements in himself. So, it's really important that she and he both ask questions to make sure that both have a clear understanding of what is needed and why and that it's being brought up not just for her sake, but also for the sake of them continuing to have a healthy relationship where both are cared for as they need to be.

For me personally the first few sentences when opening a discussion about an issue are key. I like a little warning and reassurance. Something like... " I need to speak to ypu about an issue I'm having. I'm a little nervous speaking about it because it is something that is really important to me and I don't want to offend you in anyway with this because I love you. I need to speak about this and I hope you know that anything I bring up is for use to continue to grow in our ralationship together." Hearing something along those lines helps me swallow my ego and know that they are not suddenly an opposing team. This gives me the ability to truly hear my loves needs and see them as just that. My love has a need to be fulfilled... BY ME. It makes for the smoothest ride possible.
 
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