Change in religious beliefs and being / becoming poly

Nadya

Member
I have noticed that several ex-members of different churches post regularly on this forum - me included. I would like to ask you: how was your leaving your church (or other religious group) linked to you being or becoming poly? Is there a correlation with these two things in your life?

For me these two things went really hand in hand. I was raised to be a strict Christian - the church is a relatively small one. As my belief in the teachings of the church collapsed, I started questioning every single thing in life. What do I personally think about this or about that? How can I know what is right and what is wrong? How am I ever able to trust anything people tell me to be true after I realized that my world had been based on a huge big lie?

My conclusion about all this was that there are a few good things in life, things that I value above everything else. Three most important things are love, freedom and honesty. With love I mean true love that values a person as a human being without trying to restrict that person. And freedom meaning the freedom to express one’s inner self and still be loved. About honesty the most important thing to me is to be honest to myself first - and then be honest in my communication with others. I do value honesty in other people, too, and only build close relationships with people who seem to be honest (one can never be 100% sure about another person).

I decided that I will never ever try to restrict anyone from being themselves and loving as they see fit for themselves. As well as I won’t allow anyone ever again to restrict me in that sense. And, dishonesty is a deal braker. I called my ideal “polyamory”, but now I know that it fits rather better under the label “relationship anarchy”. Kind of, anyway.

So that is how my poly life started. Had to build a new worldview and philosophy as the old one collapsed. And since I have been very committed to my philosophical ideals, the practical poly life has been relatively easy (at least compared to many tales on this forum).

In a strange way my strict Christian upbringing made it easy for me to pick up the poly philosophy. As I grew up, I learned to despise serial monogamy. At that time it was mostly because I was taught that you should not have sex before marriage and then stay together with your spouse the rest of your life. So I thought the sex with several people was the bad thing. After I realized that sex is not bad, then - why restrict it to only one person at a time? Also, serial monogamy often (not always) includes lies and other sorts of dishonesty.
 
Hi

I've decided that the evangelical church is a political movement using Jesus as it's cover.

Loving money and hating enemies is the norm.

I've just recently come to understand that my longing to love and be loved is a direct result of my relationship with Jesus, not some perversion.

Learning to love is my highest priority. I have found more discussion, guidance and support from visiting this forum than I have ever experienced at any church meeting I've attended.

We recently changed our affiliation to the Episcopal church almost solely because we don't hear the anti homosexual rant and demonizing of Obama.

I've been told for years that when homosexuality becomes acceptable it will be a sign of great tribulation. Little did I realize that this issue reveals the true nature of those who claim to love but in fact hate.

The source of the tribulation isn't Jesus it is those who despise His teaching that we are to love each other.
 
Being comfortable with my Christian faith is what led me to being "okay" with non monogamy. Personally, once I decided what I thought God required of me, I realised that monogamy isn't one of them. Knowing the paternity of my children is one as is not causing harm. Those things I can do simultaneously to having a polyamorous relationship style.
 
I've decided that the evangelical church is a political movement using Jesus as it's cover.

The "Jewish" religion of 1000-300 BCE was a political movement using Yahweh as a cover. It was created to bash Asherah worshipers and glorify war and force over female power.

The Romans took gnostic Christianity, kept the empty rituals, established a powerful priesthood, and used it as a weapon to take over "the world."

So, what's new?
 
Ahh yes, this post hits very close to home for me!

I would say that exploring my polyamorous side, along with discovering my sexual orientation and gender identity, was definitely correlative with me leaving the church and Christianity but certainly not causative. Even as a child I knew deep down that I was just putting on airs and trying to go through the motions to "find God", and it always felt strange to me how much the "God" in church really hates people!

From about 13-16 I went through a serious identity-crisis and tried filling all those voids the church had helped create with the church and the church's "God", and that just didn't work! I tried very hard to be the kind of "Christian" my parents wanted me to be but kept finding that when I would bend over backwards to please one group of Christians I would just piss off another group! Even worse was when I would try to find God on my own, and then everybody was pissed off!

I definitely "divorced" the church and the church's "God" after I discovered polyamory - and again it was certainly correlated with seeing how poly-folk seem to be living the commandments of love much better than the folks in my parent's church! Sure everybody has their flaws and foibles, but when poly folks preach love they actually live by it; meanwhile in the church they talk an awful lot about love but never really demonstrate it all that well.

I haven't been in a church since I was about 21, and I don't intend to ever go back! I recognize that the church can be a very wonderful tool to help people connect to a community but I've found that I don't need it anymore - it's perfectly fine if someone finds a church that meets their needs but I just don't have that need ;)
 
Delicate Operation

I've heard many times the phrase, "don't throw out the baby with the bath water" referring to distinguishing between our relationship with Christ's Spirit, (love, forgiveness, undying protection) and our relationship with His followers.

I now think of it as removing a tumor that has been nourished by a religion that has taught me to do something less than forgive and love my enemies and has never educated me how to put money in it's proper place of subservience.

Hating enemies and loving money is self destruction removing our focus from where it belongs. Loving ourselves and others equally.

Being sexual is an important part of our biochemistry that causes our body to produce hormones that keep us healthy.

Masturbation and touching ourselves is an important part of our overall responsibility to take care of ourselves so others don't have to do it for us.

When two people feel comfortable enough with each other to give and receive sexual pleasure it is a miracle.

When two people have compersion for each other rather than jealousy it is divine.
 
Spirit

Our spirit is our life. We received life as a gift from a genius creator who loves us.

We share our life with others who would accept our gift of love for them.

We are wise to put boundaries on how we receive and give love to each other but causing anyone to be ashamed of their need to love and be loved is pure evil.

I am very happy to be in a relationship that allows us to love each other and others in the most thoughtful ways possible.

I avoid people who would crush my spirit or my wife's spirit. I don't let them inside of my head.

I guess avoiding people who don't love is my religion. Searching for people who do love is my mission.
 
I'm an agnostic polyamorist who attended church for the first 18 years of my life. I never "believed" so "leaving" the church was not traumatic to me in the least - nothing against the faithful, it just never made sense to me (although I did enjoy some of the rituals...and the singing - I found it soothing). I've been a "polyamorist" since reading Heinlein at 12 - that wasn't traumatic either - just made good sense to me.

The only correlation I see in my own life is being raised by parents who encouraged me to think for myself, do the research/reading, and come to my own conclusions ...(about everything!)

JaneQ
 
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Spiritual Abuse

JaneQSmythe,

The trauma comes from those who use a supposed deity to embarrass and humiliate our deepest desires to touch, be touched and to love freely.

Instead of guidance we are condemned for being sensual and sexual. Anyone who has been through it understands how dreadful it is.

When this abuse starts at an early age it can take it's toll.

I'm glad you weren't subjected to this or if you were that you had nothing to do with it.

You seem like a very nice person. I'm very happy for you.

I hope you are having fun.
 
Re (from OP):
"How was your leaving your church (or other religious group) linked to you being or becoming poly? Is there a correlation with these two things in your life?"

Leaving the church, and transitioning into a poly life, were two processes that both sprang from one composite process: the process that centered around me hitting bottom and for the first time ever questioning *everything* (not just the "everything" I always used to flatter myself I was questioning). One of the effects of this composite process was that I finally shrugged off all of the programming and conditioning I'd been brought (and shored) up with. Everything I'd ever been taught about God, sex, love, marriage, family, friends, or any other teaching great or small, was now launched into space and where it would all land was completely unknown.

Chronologically, I left the church before I stumbled into a polyamorous situation. But those two processes could have happened in reverse order. I suppose their given order made things easier because there was no church standing in my way, saying, "NO YOU MAY NOT BE POLYAMOROUS," at the moment when I realized I wanted to live polyamorously. That part of the corridor of change had already been swept clean.

Maybe it's like this for anyone who starts out as a faithful Latter-day Saint, but the whole course of my life can be handily diagrammed using the church as a central reference point. All my obedience has been obedience to the church; all my rebellion has been rebellion against the church. It's a little oversimplified to say it that way but it's basically true. To this very day, the church is never far from my mind. I think of it often, the good and the bad. I observe where my perspectives lie in comparison to those of the church. I cut myself off from the church but I could never forget the church. I still pull out my Scriptures oh, about once a month (give or take).

The truth is, we never do literally question everything, eh?

---

Consent is what I see as the ruling principle over my moral compass today. Complicated scenarios can be drawn up but the core/starter idea is that if two people both consent to their arrangement and/or relationship with each other, then they're doing nothing wrong. I often think it's that simple where others might think it's not that simple. [shrug] Admittedly, you can't please everyone.

Re (from loveboston):
"The source of the tribulation isn't Jesus, it is those who despise His teaching that we are to love each other."

Lord, save me from thy followers. ;)

Re (from london):
"Personally, once I decided what I thought God required of me, I realised that monogamy isn't one of them."

That brings this to mind:
"I am approached with the most opposite opinions and advice, and that by religious men, who are equally certain that they represent the Divine will. I am sure that either the one or the other class is mistaken in that belief, and perhaps in some respects both. I hope it will not be irreverent for me to say that if it is probable that God would reveal his will to others, on a point so connected with my duty, it might be supposed he would reveal it directly to me."
-- Abraham Lincoln, Reply to an Emancipation Memorial (1862)

And in the meantime, I do the best I can with whatever knowledge and reason I can muster.
 
...

I'm glad you weren't subjected to this or if you were that you had nothing to do with it.

You seem like a very nice person. I'm very happy for you.

I hope you are having fun.

Thank you, I AM having fun!:p

I consider myself to be very, very lucky in the people that have come into my life - family, friends, lovers, partners and in the opportunities that I have had.

In my line of work (sorry to be vague here - trying to stay anonymous) I see the damage caused by "early brainwashing" - not just from religion but society at large and unhealthy personal relationships. By some happy accident of birth and personality I am fortunate that I never had to (chose to?) experience much negativity and shaming from a personal perspective.

I feel that a large (yet unofficial) part of what I do is providing people who are hurting with a perspective different from what they have experienced in their "early programming" and help them to define what their own values are and encourage them to live a life consistent with them. Actually, reading these boards and watching people struggling with such issues has helped me tremendously in advising people who are struggling (in areas OUTSIDE of poly no less).

JaneQ
 
I find this very interesting because I am currently questioning faith/religion....but at a time when im considering NOT being poly. But I'm not turning back to Jesus either. I was raised my strict fundamentalist Christians (still are, my dad at least) and my adulthood didn't believe most of it anyway. So deciding to be poly, I didn't care what the Christian faith would think. I still believe in God and Jesus.

Now...as I question all the changes and beliefs I made last year when I became poly with my spouse, I find myself wanting to find what I DO find to be spiritually connecting for me. I don't believe..or maybe am ambivalent...to Jesus so I suppose Im not a Christian anymore. Its an odd journey...not really knowing where to start.
But anyway, its wanting to get OUT fo poly that's brought it around more than wanting to go IN
 
I wonder if part of it is simply reevaluating our belief systems as we age and become more aware of what we have learned about ourselves, as opposed to what we were taught as we were growing up... that the correlation between changing religious beliefs and changing relationship styles/love styles is more related to a change of self-awareness, and less dependence on what we were taught or what society believes.

I'm still Mono (although I'm in a poly relationship), although I've had what I'm sure some would call a few midlife crises - I've gotten divorced from a 17-year marriage. I've pretty much accepted that I'm moving toward agnostic, and definitely less "traditional Christian" and more Deist/Theist. I've lost family, friends, and coworkers who have passed away over the last handful of years, and I don't want to leave this Earth until I am happy in my own skin. I think I'm getting there. :)
 
I wonder if part of it is simply reevaluating our belief systems as we age and become more aware of what we have learned about ourselves, as opposed to what we were taught as we were growing up... that the correlation between changing religious beliefs and changing relationship styles/love styles is more related to a change of self-awareness, and less dependence on what we were taught or what society believes.

I'm still Mono (although I'm in a poly relationship), although I've had what I'm sure some would call a few midlife crises - I've gotten divorced from a 17-year marriage. I've pretty much accepted that I'm moving toward agnostic, and definitely less "traditional Christian" and more Deist/Theist. I've lost family, friends, and coworkers who have passed away over the last handful of years, and I don't want to leave this Earth until I am happy in my own skin. I think I'm getting there. :)

wonderfully put YouAreHere. thanks:) and best of luck!
 
I wonder if part of it is simply reevaluating our belief systems as we age and become more aware of what we have learned about ourselves, as opposed to what we were taught as we were growing up... that the correlation between changing religious beliefs and changing relationship styles/love styles is more related to a change of self-awareness, and less dependence on what we were taught or what society believes.

I like this thought! Yes, indeed. Guess that was what happened to me as well... I was re-evaluating my belief system, and it all went on a crash course with the fundamentalist church I was raised in. I could not help but believe more in my own experiences than their "truth". Because of that, they had to turn their backs to me - "they" meaning everyone in the said church, biologically related to me or not. Had to, because that is in the teachings of the church. Everyone had to choose: it is either me or the church community.

I did not push myself to them, rather took my distance. I mean, that would not be kind behavior to make others lose all the social environment they have lived in. If someone would have kept contact with me, they would have become pariahs in the church. So I bowed away, quietly. And no one tried to keep any kind of contact.

In a way I see this as a blessing. Without any influence from my previous church I was free to start building up my own beliefs. It was not easy, but it definitely has been a rewarding journey.

gorgeouskitten, I can sympathise with you... to me, it was hard to know from where to start, as well. Things have come together nicely after all, and today I do have a kind of a belief system. A flexible one, and no absolute truths, but I feel good with it. I tend to lean towards Buddhism nowadays, especially like the philosophy of zen.
 
kdt26417 said:
I still pull out my Scriptures oh, about once a month (give or take).

You mean the Book of Mormon? I tried to read that a couple years ago, only got through about 150 pages. The fake King James language drove me crazy! So goofy.

I mean I can excuse the Bible. The KJV was written during the reign of King James. The loosely translated text was written a millenia or 2 ago. But the pseudo King James in the Book of Mormon, and the obvious fiction of the whole thing! OMG.
 
No need for me to defend the BoM -- it's no longer my problem. If there's an occasional verse here or there that I like, I'm not above quoting it. It's the equivalent of quoting Joseph Smith in his swami mode, but even hucksters cough up something useful once in awhile.

That said, I have to say, a good 90% of what I use in the Scriptures nowadays features the "quotations" of the Jesus found in the Four Gospels (usually in Matthew). That Jesus, apparently, is my go-to guy when it comes to piecing together what I think is real scriptural wisdom.

[shrug] Religion used to be my life centerpiece. Now it's more like a minor hobby. I'm an atheist who's intrigued by mythology from all parts of the globe. Somewhere in my piles of unpacked books are a sweet set of volumes detailing all that diverse mythology. I'm looking forward to reading each one of those volumes.
 
Intimacy

I think the issue of being non-monogamous with people and remaining married to Christ do intersect.

I am extremely picky about who I choose to touch and who I allow to touch me emotionally and physically.

Maintaining a relationship with my wife and with her friendships together with my friendships is a daily process that is only accomplished if we act as equals with our responsibility to love and care for each other as much as we love and care for ourselves.

I am even more guarded about who I allow to touch me spiritually than who I allow to touch me emotionally and physically.

As it should be.

Jesus is love. The question isn’t does He love us the question is do we respond to His love.

I am deeply troubled by anyone who would suggest that they know how Jesus intends on loving anyone. I am disturbed by anyone who would pretend to know anything about this interaction with anyone but themselves.

As for me I choose to only look for love from those who I am able to be completely open with, spiritually, emotionally and physically.

For their sake as well as my own.
 
Health

Jesus did a lot of physical healing. Don't I wish I could heal people of their physical ailments.

A while ago while trying to deal with some common male performance issues we discovered that it is a good health habit for a man to masturbate twice a day and for a woman once a day.

The more research that is done on the brain the more it is being discovered that our sexual health is fundamental to our physical well being.

On a side note, in 1993 to deal with the effects of sexual abuse a very excellent mental health professional advised me to go to a local naturist camp to learn to be at ease with myself and others who were nude. It turned out to be extremely therapeutic.

The religion of the anti-Christ or anti-love is found everywhere not just in the evangelical right wing neo-Nazi, pro war, anti women movements.

Being able to visit here and to be open about my sexuality is most excellent.

It's been great comparing notes to monitor our approach to non-monogamy, to keep it healthy for both of us.

Thanks for not picking on me because I love Jesus.
 
No worries there, I have only respect for your love for Jesus (as well as your right to have and express it).
 
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