Smashing windshields

Haven't had anything relevant to say until now...

I second kdt's suggestion about communicating via email. Or at least in some written form. Because of how my first marriage went, when I got involved with Hubby, I was pretty much completely terrified to try talking to him about problems in our relationship. And when I tried, panic would tangle my tongue so I either said something that wasn't quite what I meant, or froze and said nothing at all.

But I'm a writer...The written word is far more comfortable to me. I am able to take time to figure out how to phrase things accurately, and to find the words I need. And if I'm afraid of the other person's reaction, writing out the problem/concern enables me to give them what I've written and walk away until they've read it, so I can get some space to push aside the fear and am able to listen more carefully to their response.

Hubby never *answered* me in writing, but allowing me to write down what I needed to say instead of trying to speak it enabled us to work out some problems that might have otherwise destroyed the relationship because I was too scared to talk to him about them.
 
Ok..I already lost an hours worth of writing. So, this is the short and sweet version, sorry. I got other stuff to do today...

Max, thanks for your thoughts. Here's what I wrote in response, for an hour, in a nutshell:

LR doesn't want to control me or anyone. in fact, that's one of the issues we're having right now. she is determined to help others, especially those close to her, to become the best version of themselves. It's not that she's trying to control me, but that I'm not holding up my portion of the relationship between her and I, the kids and I, or the mono/poly dynamic I am in with Maca as well. She and Maca and other people outside the dynamic are having to handle the responsibilities I should be capable of maintaining in our family and as an individual.

I'm a 38 year old man who should have his shit together. I shouldn't need to rely on others, LR being one of them, to handle things that I am capable of handling. Regular day to day things. But, I'm having a really hard time with some of those things and that is why I'm posting this thread.

LR and I have been in a relationship 21+ years, and at some point, I stopped growing and moving forward while she didn't. Right now she's doing all she can to keep us from drifting completely apart, but I'M the one, the ONLY one, who can actually prevent that from happening. It's not fair to her, or anyone in that situation to even BE in that situation. We've helped each other through some pretty heavy issues and scary moments in our lives, together and separate alike. It's just not fair to give her no other option than to handle everything simply because she is the smarter/more logical one between us.

Additionally, I will never, ever, ever go the legal route with LR over our kids. It's unnecessary and pointless in our situation. It's not healthy for the kids and not mature for us to require.

I think it may behoove you to go back and read more of LR's threads and posts. You'll get a better perspective of our relationship and more details that might help you understand our situation a little more clearly.
 
That sucks about losing your hour's worth of work, GreenGeck. This might be stuff you're already doing but just in case, I want to tell you the pro tips I always follow to prevent losing my posts.

First, when I sign in, I always check the "Remember Me" box. That way the site won't time me out when I'm in the middle of composing a post.

Next, when I do write a post, I don't do it on the site's compose-post box. I do it on a Notepad window. I also save what I'm doing as a text file -- doesn't matter what I name it as long as I'll know how to retrieve it -- and I save like every 15 seconds. My thinking is, "What's the most amount of work I'd want to lose? That's how long I wait before my next save."

And saving is easy to do, I mean on Windows a simple Ctrl+S shortcut will do the job. Some people compose their posts using Microsoft Word, or some other word processing program. Doesn't matter what you use, as long as it's saved frequently on your computer. Then, when you're *done* writing the post, you select all (Ctrl+A works in Windows), then copy (Ctrl+C), *then* go to the compose-post window in Polyamory.com and paste your work (Ctrl+V) into that window. Voilà! Unless your computer explodes, your work will be saved no matter what goes wrong.

Cause even if the website doesn't time you out, there could be a power outage in your area which would wipe out all your work and there's nothing you could do about that. But if you've been saving your work in a file frequently, then when you re-boot you can re-open that file and get that work back.

As I said, that's all stuff you might already be doing and in fact you may be way more computer-savvy than me, but I say all this stuff anyway just in case because -- believe me -- I've learned the hard way how bad it sucks to lose a lot of work.

Anyway, I'm glad you posted a little something anyway, and I think that this thread is very important. Let's keep it going, eh. I'll be studying it with care and looking for any little way I can help.

Maybe just knowing I am listening is of some help? I'm hearing all that you're saying, and I do care.

For sure.
 
I often read LR's blog and find a great amount of inspiration in it. I'm inspired by the clear efforts made by all of you to make your family work.

It seems to me that things are changing. LR is working hard on allowing people to deal with the consequences of their choices rather than clearing things up for them.

This, of course, must change things for you since it seems that LR has been quietly clearing things up for you for years. That's a change for both of you.

Running alongside it is your realisation that you have other motivations in your world than making LR happy - it seems that you have been believing for years that all you want is for LR to be happy. Now your actions around work have proved to you that this cannot be the case. More change for you.

In your shoes I would concentrate on finding a new job and somewhere new to live as urgent priorities. Then I would concentrate on figuring out what things matter to you. It seems to me that what you want is hidden from you - understandable after spending so long convinced that what you want is the happiness of somebody else.

If what you want is time with family and friends, you might need to learn how to create good boundaries at work so that jobs don't take over. You might need to learn habits of getting in touch with loved ones and setting up times and places to meet.

I wish you luck in the changes you need to make.

IP
 
Setting up the reminders is a very good start! Sometimes even getting one or two small things accomplished each day can make a huge difference in your whole outlook on everything else. For me just scheduling those nasty/annoying appointments I've been avoiding makes it easier to start to focus on the bigger items. Keep at it!
 
My husband Bear has adhd and asbergers. Some coping mechanics we have worked out with his therapist are smart phone with an alarm for daily tasks.

Smart phone with list for tasks.
Smart phone with alarm for time spend with our daughters reading time

Ridding himself of nine objects a day, that doesn't mean trash, but extra items.

Sch. time and keeping it to talk to me. we needed to put a limit of relationship talk and reconnect. This meant talking about relationship 1 hour a week once a week. and sch 30 mins of time to just spend it togather and talk or walk.

Bear doesn't see the ripples in life. I thought he was really submissive. The truth is he controls everything in our life due to his inaction and lack of follow through. It can be very frustrating.

I was told long ago by my Dad, while a job is important you can and will be replaced, you cannot be replaced in your family.

I wasn't sure if I should post his coping ideas but it is what currently working better for us.
 
Ok..I already lost an hours worth of writing. So, this is the short and sweet version, sorry. I got other stuff to do today...

Max, thanks for your thoughts. Here's what I wrote in response, for an hour, in a nutshell:

LR doesn't want to control me or anyone. in fact, that's one of the issues we're having right now. she is determined to help others, especially those close to her, to become the best version of themselves. It's not that she's trying to control me, but that I'm not holding up my portion of the relationship between her and I, the kids and I, or the mono/poly dynamic I am in with Maca as well. She and Maca and other people outside the dynamic are having to handle the responsibilities I should be capable of maintaining in our family and as an individual.

I'm a 38 year old man who should have his shit together. I shouldn't need to rely on others, LR being one of them, to handle things that I am capable of handling. Regular day to day things. But, I'm having a really hard time with some of those things and that is why I'm posting this thread.

LR and I have been in a relationship 21+ years, and at some point, I stopped growing and moving forward while she didn't. Right now she's doing all she can to keep us from drifting completely apart, but I'M the one, the ONLY one, who can actually prevent that from happening. It's not fair to her, or anyone in that situation to even BE in that situation. We've helped each other through some pretty heavy issues and scary moments in our lives, together and separate alike. It's just not fair to give her no other option than to handle everything simply because she is the smarter/more logical one between us.

Additionally, I will never, ever, ever go the legal route with LR over our kids. It's unnecessary and pointless in our situation. It's not healthy for the kids and not mature for us to require.

I think it may behoove you to go back and read more of LR's threads and posts. You'll get a better perspective of our relationship and more details that might help you understand our situation a little more clearly.

I understand that you are far less than perfect and that your ADD contributes to that. It's just been my experience that not allowing you to do the things required of a responsible adult actually isn't the way to achieve the kind of independence and reliability that you need to have in order to be a dependable spouse and parent. So, the way she has taken things over and organised your life may not have been beneficial for you in the long term, although I can see why it had to be done in order to have a functioning household. That's all I am saying.

I only suggested the legal route because I still feel as if she was treating the separation between you and your child as your punishment for not being the person she needs you to be. The only thing I have gathered from reading more of her blog is that this relationship started as an affair which doesn't really change anything I have said. I hold the same opinions as I did on first reading this thread, but that's all it it is, my thoughts as you quite rightly put it. Take it or leave it.
 
Thank you again, everyone, for your numerous suggestions.

So...I watched a couple episodes of Hoarders the other night...OMG! Some of those homes were really really bad, but sad to say a few times in my life as a kid...it was almost that bad. Additionally, I could relate to BOTH sides of the coin. On the show, the "hoarders" had their reasons, and their issues understanding why they do what they do...as I do. Then the people at their wits end, usually family, trying and trying to cope but ultimately ready to walk if the situation/habits don't change. That is how LR feels. Our home/my room is no where near as bad as on the shows, but I can see why there is concern. Today, I plan on removing at least 1 box of stuff that I know I don't need.

I saw my therapist yesterday. She wants me to up the dosage of my meds for the next 2 weeks and gave me a workbook that talks about procrastination and steps to control it. We didn't dig too deep because I had to bring her up to par on current events. I did have a list for her of issues I need help resolving, but we're focusing on the procrastination at the moment.

And I've been applying for jobs. I'll be around town again today doing that as well.

I also volunteered to babysit Spiceypea's boys for a few hours today to give her a break.

Have a great day, everyone....
 
Sounds like you're taking some steps in the right direction. That's great to hear.

Keep posting, letting us know how things are going, etc.

With accolades,
Kevin T.
 
TV shows the extremes, but there are good points to learn from and keep it from getting to the extreme. Working on the procrastination issues is probably the best place to start. You'll find that once you get that under control, some of the other things will start to fall into place much easier. Good luck with the meds. Get feed back from those around you over the next few weeks to see if it's helping.
 
Mighty Max tends to post in an unhelpful way. S/he made snap judgments of my issues with my ex, that were clumsy and inflammatory.

LR was GG's full time Domme in a Domme/sub relationship. That seemed to work, to be therapeutic, for some time. However, it's no longer causing growth for either, just stagnation and inertia and frustration and pain. D/s can cause growth, but then sometimes it just stops working.

This seems to me, to be the case.

38 is a great time to get your shit together and turn over a new leaf! You're still quite young, strong and have many years to live a fulfilling rich life. The only route is self control, self care like therapy and meds, and taking responsibility for your life.

Others have given good advice, but I just wanted to add this. I know you all live in Alaska. Do you take a big dose of Vitamin D every day (1000-4000 mgs a day)? Also, research shows that lack of proper gut flora causes low serotonin levels, so taking a good probiotic also has been shown to help with things like anxiety and depression. Omega 3s (fish/flax oil) and a multi vitamin round out the picture to get physical health supporting emotional health.

My gf, who is exactly your age, was raised by a hoarder father, and she also has inherited the hoarding tendency, but she is working on letting go of being sentimental over old pieces of worn out shit. She's been in weekly therapy and on antidepressants for 5 years. This takes commitment! Make a commitment. Please.
 
Mighty Max tends to post in an unhelpful way. S/he made snap judgments of my issues with my ex, that were clumsy and inflammatory.

LR was GG's full time Domme in a Domme/sub relationship. That seemed to work, to be therapeutic, for some time. However, it's no longer causing growth for either, just stagnation and inertia and frustration and pain. D/s can cause growth, but then sometimes it just stops working.

This seems to me, to be the case.

38 is a great time to get your shit together and turn over a new leaf! You're still quite young, strong and have many years to live a fulfilling rich life. The only route is self control, self care like therapy and meds, and taking responsibility for your life.

Others have given good advice, but I just wanted to add this. I know you all live in Alaska. Do you take a big dose of Vitamin D every day (1000-4000 mgs a day)? Also, research shows that lack of proper gut flora causes low serotonin levels, so taking a good probiotic also has been shown to help with things like anxiety and depression. Omega 3s (fish/flax oil) and a multi vitamin round out the picture to get physical health supporting emotional health.

My gf, who is exactly your age, was raised by a hoarder father, and she also has inherited the hoarding tendency, but she is working on letting go of being sentimental over old pieces of worn out shit. She's been in weekly therapy and on antidepressants for 5 years. This takes commitment! Make a commitment. Please.

Great personal attack there, Magdlyn. Holding grudges like that can really eat a person alive. Let go.
 
Been doing a lot of introspection and looking objectively at myself and actions. Noticing a lot of things that I hadn't been able to see, things that LR and others have been trying to tell me about and described me as. And this is really the first time I've been able to actually SEE these things, these actions, these RE-actions, in myself. Maybe it's because I have more time on my hands and the vampire effect my job had over me is also gone.

Anyway... I think I'm making some progress. I'm trying to stay on top of the job searching. Still putting in applications, but I spent a good portion of the day really searching myself and actually writing out plans and steps to take in resolving many of the things that have brought me to this point and that hinder my growth and prevent me from having the relationships I want.

It's slow going and I'm going to try and rush things...but I hope to find a good flow, or pace that's noticeable and effective. It's a lot of work and time will tell, but I'm done with this negativity. I used to be dependable and reliable. I'm not sure yet when those abilities stopped working, but I'm going to get them back.

I told LR last night that I was making a comeback... I plan too.

I just want to say real quick...I owe LR an apology. After taking time to myself today and focusing on taking myself apart, I can see now where she saw things to devastatingly happening in our relationship. Earlier, I stated that I didn't see them as extremely as she did/does, but...things had gotten extreme. A wall was built between us that we BOTH added to, but I ended up adding more around myself. Stupid scary shit. Unnecessary and ridiculous. And I was wrong.

Mags, thanks for the two-cents on vitamins. Us ADD types require Omega-3s, I take them daily, as well as a multi and extra Vitamin C. I might look into the D's which LR takes in large doses. However, It will keep me up all night, on top of the Adderall. I upped my Adderall dosage yesterday and it's still working 15 hours into it. It's also an anti-depressant, which really helps right now. ;)

Need to get my ass to bed....Thanks for your support and encouragement!
 
Methinks me hears the sound of betterment. Kudos. Keep that momentum going. Slow and steady wins the race, and all that.
 
Anyway... I think I'm making some progress . . .

I told LR last night that I was making a comeback . . .

GreenGecko, It's great that LR gave you the kick in the butt that prompted you to start looking at and owning your shit. However, I hope that any steps you take toward self-improvement are done for you, and no one else. I don't mean that you don't have to be responsible for your obligations to other people, but that you accept and honor your responsibilities for your own sake and not to try to win anyone else's approval - even LR's. Perhaps, especially LR's.
 
GreenGecko, It's great that LR gave you the kick in the butt that prompted you to start looking at and owning your shit. However, I hope that any steps you take toward self-improvement are done for you, and no one else. I don't mean that you don't have to be responsible for your obligations to other people, but that you accept and honor your responsibilities for your own sake and not to try to win anyone else's approval - even LR's. Perhaps, especially LR's.

I am generally avoiding this thread. But I think this post is more important than anything else.
ESPECIALLY the last two sentences.
 
Update

Hey all, sorry I've been gone so long. Here's an update...

I got a job and I start next Tuesday; and I bought a car.

I've had a couple visits with my therapist and she's helping me learn to control and root out my fear of abandonment and how to make my mind focus during confrontations.

Everyone came home for about a week, and despite the tension of my/LR's relationship right now, it was really nice to have everyone home again. I am a family person, and though I often choose to have time to myself, I can't stand being away from my family. The kids, LR, Maca... It's not that I get lonely, it's that they are gone. And so my whole routine has to alter and I feel lost. Our household is truly a living entity. When I'm the only one left in it, I feel like a ghost. Or I feel like my memories are ghosts because I can still hear them laughing or talking. Not literally, but I keep expecting them to be here and they're not.

So, while I'm here trying to figure myself out, our home is a tomb.

Right now, Sour-Pea is here with me, and that is truly wonderful. We've had a nice weekend and I'm looking forward to the following week. We'll do some school work and we're going to paint a bookcase I built, together. LR is in Oklahoma visiting friends and family; Maca and Sweet-Pea are hunting.

In the meantime, I'm trying to figure out how to talk with LR again without it feeling awkward. I miss her terribly, but don't want to make HER the reason I'm trying to be a better version of myself. But, I've never prioritized what's best for ME. But I need to figure out how, or else I risk losing everyone I love most. And, I don't want a ME without them.

Anyway... I will do my best to write on here at least once a week. Just taking things one day at a time right now.

Take care...
 
In the meantime, I'm trying to figure out how to talk with LR again without it feeling awkward.

Best way to do this is to just DO IT! It's like playing an instrument, no matter how bad you are at it in the beginning, there is no way to improve unless you practice. The more you do it, the easier it gets.

Take the conversation seriously and avoid the pity parties. Don't degrade yourself, it has the opposite effect you think it does. Start with the positive things, even the small accomplishments.
 
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Sounds like good progress, GreenGeck. Perhaps finding a place of your own to live could be your next goal? It's probably not a comfortable thought due to being alone more which I know you don't like. But, keep in mind, it's one of the things LR required before you could patch things up with her.
 
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