Order of sex

Violet77

Member
Thanks everyone, he was with her for three yrs, with me for eight months, I already knew about her, they first wanted me to be the unicorn but I researched all that stuff and they realized it was not ok how they tried to make me conform to a certain relationship and not let it naturally grow. They got closer because of me they said but then they broke up and now he says I’m not second, claims we’re both the same but I really want him to prioritize me over her at times because I feel he prioritizes her over me a lot, they don’t think so. Any way I’m having a hard time getting over this where she gets to have the fresh sex and I have to wait, I feel like I don’t want to have sex with him at all I’m so angry but I know I will bc I care about him and am really sexually attracted to him. I feel gross or demeaned that he does her first and I hate when he does her the same day he does me if it’s before me. I’m powerless except to break up and I don’t want to. One time he didn’t have sex with her for two days and he was way more all over me and hard really fast so I know the difference, how do people deal with the same day sex and stuff I mentioned ? Is it ok for me to ask he not have sex before the same day we have sex? Our days together are scheduled
 
I have never concerned myself with the sex life of my partners. Our time together was our time together. Their time with others was their time.

Personally, I think that's a lot to ask of a partner, to try and dictate when they have sex with others. If I was have feelings like you are having, I would try to work on myself rather than trying to get others to conform to my expectations.
 
As was pointed out to you in your other thread, you don't have the right to tell him when and with whom he has sex. You only have the right to determine when and with whom *you* have sex. So no, it wouldn't be okay for you to say, "I don't want you to have sex with her before our dates." It *would* be okay to say, "If you have sex with her before our date, I will not be able to have sex with you because I would feel demeaned."

Also as I said in your other thread, I strongly suggest you do some inner work on figuring out *why* it feels gross and demeaning if he has sex with her first. That makes it sound like you think it's dirty and wrong to have more than one sexual partner.

(I'm also wondering why you've now started three threads on exactly the same topic; you aren't likely to get any different answers just because you've made multiple posts.)
 
Ok. I can only give you a man's perspective on this. Also this is about Sex so we need to be grown up, open and honest.

...is it ok to control when someone else has sex...no. So you can't do that.

It seems the issue is not first or second but the fact that second for you is second best, and simply not as good.

However from your language you sometimes don't say sex, or love or intercourse but use the phrases like "does me first" or he "does" her. And when your "done" first its "faster" and "harder" and he's "all over you". So I could guess perhaps your a bit submissive, and you perhaps want the man to "take" you and give you good, hard, passionate sex? And second sex doesn't fit the bill. Well as I said you cannot demand he doesn't have sex the same day but I think your completely ok to set out clearly your sexual needs for satisfaction and also try and accommodate his.

Personally I probably have sex or masturbate daily, but even being fit and healthy with more than 1 orgasm a day I know subsequent sex will be a less urgent, less passionate probably less energetic, orgasm will be more difficult and I will ejaculate less. So I would for instance refrain from masturbation if I knew there was a possible sex session on the horizon. Or try not to have two sessions with different partners on the same day, or try not to orgasm with the first. Some men "recover" faster than others for me in reality I can do it several times a day if the mood is right, but to be fully recovered to perform 100% takes me a day. Two days is even better. So anyone who had second sex on the day with me would also be getting second best. So I understand your issue. But I don't find second or third or whatever sex gross.

I'll be honest and say my "recovery" is not always what my wife sometimes needed and some days she sometimes needed more "satisfaction" than I can deliver and hence how our relationship has developed to what it is now. I don't see anything wrong with that.

So I do think you need to tactfully talk to your boyfriend about the performance you need so he can consider his own behaviour and performance and perhaps help him manage that. But tactfully it's a sensitive issue.

I have a long term very long distance girlfriend who I see when I can and she made it clear to to me a long time ago that when she sees me she expects in her own words: "a good seeing to" or a weekend "sex fest". I see nothing wrong with her setting out her needs and desires and me trying to comply with them. That may take some abstinence from masturbation, some partner planning, but aslo some joint work in our case it includes uniforms, sex toys, text sex, talking dirty, and role play to make sure it happens. You may want to consider some of these to help him help you.

I assume despite you mentioning they wanted a unicorn that a threesome for first sex is not an option?

I'm also going to mention Viagra. Legally prescribed by my doctor (don't get ripped off on line) who knows our relationship and lifestyle, it certainly helps me on the occasion when a bit of "help" is needed to avoid disappointment :)
 
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he claims we’re both the same but I really want him to prioritize me over her at times because I feel he prioritizes her over me a lot, they don’t think so

Could ask him write this down on a calendar. And you do same. Then compare notes. Because then you both can SEE actual dates. To be sure it's not in his head that it is "the same" or in your head that it is "not the same."

Any way I’m having a hard time getting over this where she gets to have the fresh sex and I have to wait, I feel like I don’t want to have sex with him at all I’m so angry but I know I will bc I care about him and am really sexually attracted to him.

Then don't have sex. You shouldn't share sex when you don't want to or are angry about it.

You could care about YOU too. If you do stuff you really don't like or want to do just because you are horny or think you "owe it to him" or something? That's not treating yourself with self respect. Masturbate to take the edge off and say NO.

You can demonstrate you care about him in other ways - asking about his day, a hug. It doesn't have to be sex.

I feel gross or demeaned that he does her first and I hate when he does her the same day he does me if it’s before me.

Before you share any sex with him, you can ask when he last had sex with someone. If it was the same day, skip sharing sex. Because you already know that if you share sex the same day it feels yucky to you or his performance is meh because he is tired.

Could give more space in between sex with others and then sex with you. Esp since you can tell the difference.

I’m powerless except to break up and I don’t want to.

You are NOT powerless. You can SPEAK UP to change the things that bother you. PARTICIPATE in your relationship. Talk things out.

Is it ok for me to ask he not have sex before the same day we have sex? Our days together are scheduled

Of course it is ok to ask. He might say "yes" or "no" -- but you CAN ASK.

You could say "I don't like sharing sex the same day you share sex with your other partners or too close after. I can tell you are tired and don't have the same energy. Could you please be willing to put more days/space between sharing sex with me and sharing sex with your other partner? I'd like to change the schedule to accommodate that."

Make your preference known. You can't tell him what to do with his body, but you CAN tell him how you are willing to share yours or not. You do NOT want to share your body sexually too soon to sex he had with others.

I know you don't like the idea of breaking up. But if he says he equally prioritizes your wants and needs? And even after you speak up about the things that bother you it is meh? If you try to talk and work something out and he does nothing on his side to meet you part way? And most of the time you still feel bad? Bow out.

If a thing is not mentally or emotionally healthy for you to participate in? No amount of sexual attraction is going to make up for that. If he's all talk and no show? Then no. He can say it is equally prioritized but you can see in actions it is not.

Galagirl
 
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Something I haven't seen brought up yet in either of your threads.... why do you even know when the last time was that he had sex with his other partner or if he had sex with her before you that day? This information clearly bothers you, so why is he sharing it with you and why aren't you asking him to stop telling you? You don't have to hear about your partner's sex life with his other partners.

If him having sex with someone else first causes performance issues, then you might still notice, and then it's a matter of talking about the performance issues as others have noted. But outside of that, I'm seeing a clear case of over-sharing going on.
 
Hi Violet,

I think it is okay to ask him to put you first sometimes when it comes to sex. You can explain to him that his performance is not as good when he puts you second, and that going second bothers you in general. I don't think it would be fair to her for him to put you first *every* time, but if he means it when he says you are equal, then he should put you first *half* of the time. Does that make sense?

You don't have to break up with him, but do sit down with him and have a talk about this. I hope the posts that people have posted here are helpful to you in helping you figure out your dilemma.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks, everyone has been really helpful. I didn't mean to post three different threads, I meant to do two but yeah I was just really needing support so I wrote more hoping for responses. I ask him about when a d how much he has sex with her. So I should probably stop that. I tend to dwell on things that make me feel bad negativity is what I'm used to and yes your right, i feel like i do all the work, I want him to be in control bc i.guess I am submissive, but he is too, I feel demeaned and like I'm not attractive when I have to initiate
 
I tend to dwell on things that make me feel bad negativity is what I'm used to.

You sound tired of it. What brings you positivity? Do you know? Could you do more of that?

i feel like i do all the work.

Then stop. He either steps it up or you bow out because he's lazy at doing his fair share.

I want him to be in control bc i.guess I am submissive, but he is too.

To me it sounds like you want someone else to be in control so you don't have to think. Because then you don't have to, because when you do, you dwell on negatives. And/or because you are passive and don't like initiating anything.

I feel demeaned and like I'm not attractive when I have to initiate

I don't read where you initiate from joy. I'm not sure I read where you initiate at all. You sound like are passive and just go along with whatever regardless of how you feel inside.

I feel like I don’t want to have sex with him at all I’m so angry but I know I will bc I care about him and am really sexually attracted to him.

Here I read where you feel angry, and don't want to have sex at all. But you plan to ignore your own feelings and wants and do it anyway because you think it "proves" that you care about him. That's not behavior you can feel proud of. So then you feel bad. :(

Is it that you want him to "prove" he cares about you?

Galagirl
 
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