MichelleZed
New member
Cheesy Lady, you've brought up some interesting things that would be fun to talk about.
The first idea is about where we place our sexual relationship with ourselves on the hierarchy. I want you to maybe stop thinking of porn/masturbation with porn as your husband's "secondary," or at least consider my take on it.
I feel very strongly that everyone is entitled to a primary sexual relationship with themselves, a safe space where they can explore their sexual desires. This exploration may include reading sex books, masturbating, watching porn, confronting body image issues, or even just pondering sexual ideas that may occur to us. This "relationship with ourselves" is a special (and private!) place for only us, where we learn to be comfortable with our own sexualities and explore our own desires, not connected to our partners or our relationships or anything. This is about loving ourselves first.
A person with a healthy sexual relationship with themselves is better able to give to other people, I think. As hard as it is for me to grasp as a wife, I know I am my husband's secondary, in a way. His primary sexual relationship must always be himself, or else what can we give each other? And my primary sexual relationship is with myself, and always will be, my whole life, even when other partners come and go.
Cheesy Lady, you have a sexual relationship with yourself too, and have a right to it, just like your husband does. How you explore yourself or your sexuality is up to you. Whether your relationship with yourself and your body is healthy and positive is up to you, too.
So you can't think of porn as your husband's counterbalance to your potential boyfriend. His personal sexual explorations are, instead, a natural part of his sexuality, and in a healthy relationship, they balance out your personal sexual relationship with yourself. Does this mean you guys have to masturbate without each other to porn all the time? No! You get to decide how your relationship with yourself works.
Now, if your husband's relationship with himself gets co-dependent (lol) and he starts neglecting his other partners (you), then you two have something to talk about. But from what I hear from you guys, your husband has been viewing porn for years without you knowing (because you thought you'd forbidden him from seeing it, and he didn't think that, and kept watching it). So his porn use doesn't seem to have gotten in the way so far. Why fix something that isn't broken, therefore? Why go in and meddle with a good thing he's got going with himself, if it's not impacting on your relationship?
The first idea is about where we place our sexual relationship with ourselves on the hierarchy. I want you to maybe stop thinking of porn/masturbation with porn as your husband's "secondary," or at least consider my take on it.
I feel very strongly that everyone is entitled to a primary sexual relationship with themselves, a safe space where they can explore their sexual desires. This exploration may include reading sex books, masturbating, watching porn, confronting body image issues, or even just pondering sexual ideas that may occur to us. This "relationship with ourselves" is a special (and private!) place for only us, where we learn to be comfortable with our own sexualities and explore our own desires, not connected to our partners or our relationships or anything. This is about loving ourselves first.
A person with a healthy sexual relationship with themselves is better able to give to other people, I think. As hard as it is for me to grasp as a wife, I know I am my husband's secondary, in a way. His primary sexual relationship must always be himself, or else what can we give each other? And my primary sexual relationship is with myself, and always will be, my whole life, even when other partners come and go.
Cheesy Lady, you have a sexual relationship with yourself too, and have a right to it, just like your husband does. How you explore yourself or your sexuality is up to you. Whether your relationship with yourself and your body is healthy and positive is up to you, too.
So you can't think of porn as your husband's counterbalance to your potential boyfriend. His personal sexual explorations are, instead, a natural part of his sexuality, and in a healthy relationship, they balance out your personal sexual relationship with yourself. Does this mean you guys have to masturbate without each other to porn all the time? No! You get to decide how your relationship with yourself works.
Now, if your husband's relationship with himself gets co-dependent (lol) and he starts neglecting his other partners (you), then you two have something to talk about. But from what I hear from you guys, your husband has been viewing porn for years without you knowing (because you thought you'd forbidden him from seeing it, and he didn't think that, and kept watching it). So his porn use doesn't seem to have gotten in the way so far. Why fix something that isn't broken, therefore? Why go in and meddle with a good thing he's got going with himself, if it's not impacting on your relationship?