Polyfuckery- His wife's okay with it but his girlfriend isn't

ThisIsWater2

New member
I have been married for 12 years and am almost a year into my first poly relationship with my friends husband. (All have been open and honest and while we've struggled a little here and there, things have been good.) Last night he shared with me that he recently had a purely sexual experience with someone else whom that I don't know. Up until now we've discussed the possibility of outside relationships but decided neither of us were seeking that.

My husband and I have had an occasional sexual encounter with a separate female friend of ours, (which started prior to my secondary and I getting together). A month ago, I felt like I needed to tell my lover about the I had with my husband and female friend. It has been a non-reciprocal occasional sexual encounter, just something I'm willing to do more for my husbands pleasure at this point than mine. It seems that in my sharing with my secondary about the experience my husband and Inhave had with my friend he understood that to mean I was okay with general sex outside of our mono-poly relationship. I am realizing now that I really am not.

My husband and I can stop seeing my friend sexually, it's only happened once or twice since my lover and I got together. I'm somewhat ambivalent about the female sexual relationship, but I don't think he is interested or particularly capable of having sex with just me and his wife. I am struggling with his interest "polyfuckery." I truly love both him and my husband and am not interested in random sex. His wife is okay with it but his girlfriend isn't - go figure.

Additionally, my husband isn't okay with my lover being in multiple sexual relationships while he and I are together.

Looking for thoughts, experiences, advise, and constructive input!
 
A follow up-

Honestly, I think it's a combination of things. I've been in a monogamous relationship for 12 years, opening myself up and owning up to wanting to be poly has been a big step. I was willing to explore this path with a married man who I felt was safe (physically and emotionally) and truly loves and respects both me and my husband. Our relationship developed slowly, over time and with the input of both of our primaries.

It helps that his wife and I are good friends and communicate openly. She has been somewhat of a poly mentor for me because she has had some previous experienced and has learned from her mistakes. Although she and my husband do not currently share a physical relationship, I would have no hesitations if they wanted to because I truly love her as well and would be thrilled if she and my husband shared a deeper connection.

I really enjoy this close, safe, circle we've developed and am maybe just a bit insecure about no only losing my connection with him but our circle. I just don't want to lose a good thing.

The idea of returning to casual sex, like I did in my 20s before marriage, scares me a bit. I could see it happening one day maybe but emotionally it's like I've forgot how. Yes, STD's scare me too but I feel pretty confident in my abilities to demand safe practices. My husband has no interest in seeking a secondary partner or casual partners for himself. He is fundamentally just not a super sexual guy, never has been, I am by far the aggressor. While he has never been anything but supportive of my desire to explore polyamory, I struggle with my own feelings of guilt. I am not sure how either one of us would do with my engaging in a casual sexual experience.

I started exploring this path because of an emotional connection I had to my secondary, the physical part came months later. I'm struggling in my own mind with what is "many loves" and what I feel polyamory is, contrasted with "many partners" and casual sex without an emotional attachment.

I just don't want to hurt anyone, or lose the relationships with these people that I care deeply for.
 
Many people struggle with their partner having casual sex. We have so many threads here about it. You could do a topic or tag search by clicking on the "Search" bar above and going to advance search, using the term "casual sex."
 
I really enjoy this close, safe, circle we've developed and am maybe just a bit insecure about no only losing my connection with him but our circle. I just don't want to lose a good thing.

The idea of returning to casual sex, like I did in my 20s before marriage, scares me a bit. I could see it happening one day maybe but emotionally it's like I've forgot how. .......I am not sure how either one of us would do with my engaging in a casual sexual experience.


This seems to be the heart of your uneasy feeling: fear of losing the sweet comfort of your poly nest. Because I have (and sometimes do,) I'll tell you that it's completely possible to engage in outside sex for fun after many years of monogamy without losing emotional connections to others, but whether you are comfortable with this is all that matters here. You need not engage in fun-only sex just because your BF does. And wanting poly fidelity is of course totally legitimate and something very important to know about yourself going forward.

Re: the term "casual sex": I don't like to describe it that way because it implies careless, emotionless, disposable romps. Yes, some encounters can be that way, but there is a beautiful way to engage sexually that is respectful, sex-positive and loving no matter how long you've been acquainted. I just mention it because "casual sex" doesn't necessarily have to be the hurtful, heartless experience that you (and I) might recall from our twenties.
 
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If sex for you is only possible if there is an emotional connection there ripe for expression, I can understand why the idea of him hooking up with others might make you feel insecure. However, many people do enjoy sex without that closeness, and really do just enjoy the act of fucking. I think this is something you might need to wrap your head around as things progress. You say he is not sexual with his wife, and yet he still has a deep loving connection with her. To me that's prime evidence that your boyfriend really can separate sex from loving feelings. I only think that this impacts on your relationship to the extent that you let it (ie if you make his polyfuckery about you, assign it a negative meaning, choose to interpret as a problem, or otherwise let it feed an insecurity).

From what you've said it sounds like you have a lovely situation going with him, a blossoming friendship with his wife, a happy relationship with your husband. I wouldn't panic or let this disrupt things. Keep talking to him about it by all means, explore what this means to him, but don't be surprised if he just says it's something he enjoys that makes him feel good. You need to trust him on that and stop seeing his world through your eyes, interpreting events as if you were in his shoes. If he says casual sex without attachment is a possibility for him, believe him. If he says he's happy and loves you, believe him. :)
 
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