Not Dead Yet!

We're happy to help, any way we can.
 
I decided not to go. I would just be miserable and angry.

My friend had already offered to celebrate her birthday with me another time. So that's what we are doing.

And I'm seeing who's around to hang out with the day of the party.

I know that I have great friends. But it's been really reinforced for me - my 'IRL' friends and my online friends here have stepped up for me.

I am grateful.

Good that you are taking care of yourself!

Hang in there!
 
Things are not quite as intense. The white-hot anger has ebbed a bit. I can think of other things for longer now. It's not quite so jarring to realize I am not in a relationship with Glow any more. Time, I guess, and all that.

I've gotten past the major milestones I was dreading - her birthday, what would have been our first anniversary. I had dinner with a dear friend and then saw a great movie (Zubo and the Two Strings - go see it if you haven't already) the night of the party I was avoiding. Then had dinner with the my friend who had the birthday and her husband. So that was good. It's awkward with that set of friends because I feel like I can't really discuss what happened from my point of view. They have to interact with Glow pretty much daily and I just don't want to make that weird or awkward for them. So I am way more closed up than I would be if the break up was not part of that friend group. I don't believe they would say anything to Glow. I know that she's not talking to them about it (several have mentioned she's been very buttoned up about the break up). Which doesn't surprise me. I hope she is getting support from friends in other circles. I'm not sure if I will eventually tell them my experiences or if it will just fade into the background as we move on. I'm not even sure what I want to have happen. It's just odd right now. Not bad, but definitely odd and more stilted than I like.

And there is stuff going on with my parents that is a long time coming. But I don't feel like writing about that just yet.
 
Sounds like things are a little bit better, that's good to hear.
 
It's almost been 40 days since I last had contact with Glow. I'm swinging between the various stages of grief. Mostly between sadness, loss, and anger. It's less intense now. I've gotten a little distance from the breakup which helps.

But sometimes I just miss her. That's new. I miss her physically, not what she did for me or what I thought we had. And that's hard to bear at times.

I don't have a need to be friends with her. That may change, especially as I am missing her more. It seems pointless to me right now. I'm not going to tell her anything that makes me feel vulnerable any more. And that is one of the markers of a deep friendship for me - that I can share very tender things to another. It's not just in romantic relationships - I need this in my closest friends too. I think I will soon be ok to be around her if we are at the same social gathering. I'm pretty sure I can nod hello and then move on. But the first time will be hard.

I go back and forth if I want to tell her how hurt I am by the fact that she never brought up any problems in the relationship before she broke up with me. That was the only time she discussed a problem. Maybe that's really why the relationship ended. She didn't care enough to bring stuff up, to be more open with me. I don't think it would get me any more insight. If I told her, she'd probably just listen and not really respond to me. So I'm leaning towards just not talking about anything important to her ever again.

Which makes me sad. I once wanted those conversations desperately. Now I don't see the point.
 
(((Opal)))
 
I've been sick on and off for what feels like forever but is a few weeks. I never got sick as a child (literally I never missed a day in school for illness my entire elementary school career). I'm not used to having a 'regular' immune system. It makes me sad and regret even more all the dumb health choices I've made over the decades. I'm trying to correct those things now but since I keep getting colds (or back pain), it's been hard to get and stay on track. My health issues are relatively minor and I am trying to remain grateful that they are not worse. But I am frustrated and that is hard to remember sometimes.

Saw Glow a few times over the recent holidays at mutual friends' parties. Nothing happened. Somewhat surprisingly, I felt indifference. Just nothing. I can't tell if I am actually indifferent or still really angry. Maybe both. Indifference to my mind is one of the worst ways to treat someone. It's quite close to contempt for me. I expect I will sort that out soon.

Have an exciting possibility at work that I am waiting to hear about.

I had a date with an attractive sub man. Who really, really wanted me to dominate him right away and which I was not interested in doing. He seemed unhappy I wanted to get to know him as a person. I don't get that at all but he was right, we wanted different things and were incompatible.

I'm bummed about my lack of dating, even though I don't really feel like dating. Which makes little sense but that's where I'm at.
 
Sorry to hear that you're sick. Hope you get feeling better.
 
Been a long time since I updated.

I continue to struggle with how things ended with Glow. Since she doesn't love me, then breaking up is definitely the right thing. But I am still immensely bothered by the fact that she never brought up anything to me about our relationship. Breaking up with me was literally the only time she brought up a relationship problem. I can't explain why this sticks in my craw, why I'm struggling to let it go.

I'm not really actively dating or trying to date. I've had a few people reach out to me through various dating sites but nothing has worked out so far, in terms of meeting up for dates.

Work has been insanely busy. I am on a special assignment that has take up most of my time and energy. It's been worth it but I am happy it's coming to an end (later this month) and I go back to my regular job. I learned a lot about career stuff - mostly what I do *not* want to do, but that's useful information.

I am still trying to get a handle on my health. My diet has suffered because of the extra busy work schedule. Trying to refocus on that - again. I know that's a life long thing but it is so frustrating to have to do this again and again. I know, I know - adulting and all.

My back has been better but I've been very cautious about lifting heavy things. I'm thinking about how to rededicate myself to losing weight. That would help with all kinds of health issues I have. Ugh. So much to do. Makes me tired.

I have been active in various ways protesting Trump. It's been interesting. I've done direct action for various causes since the mid-1990s but have not been particularly active in that arena for a while. I find that part of my life coming back for me.

So lots going on, but not much directly poly related.
 
Good hearing from you again opal, you are fighting the good fight in the face of many challenges. As for Glow, maybe you could have saved that relationship if she would have gave you a chance; that is, told you about the problems sooner. We'll never know for sure, that ship has sailed. And I don't think you could have known about the problems sooner, you don't have ESP.
 
So apparently the universe is letting me know that I need to deal with my stuff around attraction and attention. (Or as a dear friend put it, now I am ready to deal with this - it just seems like the universe is poking me.)

I don't think I am attractive. I've never thought so. I believe that people sometimes do find me attractive and I believe them when they say or act like they are interested in me sexually. But I don't think of myself as attractive or sexy or any of those types of words.

I was raised in a home completely uncomfortable talking about sex, sexuality or attraction. My parents did the best they could but I had no guidance on how to deal with sexual attraction, receiving it, responding to it, sending it out or even feeling it. I was very, very shut down to the point of obliviousness. I would often not notice if someone was interested in me if they were at all (or even not so) subtle about it because I could not believe 1) that I was worthy of that kind of attention and 2) I had no idea how to handle it. I didn't date much in large part because I missed most of the little signals that indicate interest. And I had no way of giving out those signals myself. I still really don't. I'm terrible at flirting. (Once I'm in a relationship, I'm fine with flirting. Good at it, even. But flirting to show interest is beyond me.)

I'm fine with sex - don't have issues about that. I didn't get positive messages about sex but I also missed the negative for the most part. But attraction, and attention, really twist in me in ways I am only now starting to even bring to the surface.

And that's as far as I can go today. More to come.
 
Hmmmm ... not sure how to fix that issue, maybe it's a matter of practice makes perfect? or at least, practice makes more comfortable. Just guessing
 
I realized that my life is a mess, that I don't know why I'm here, what I should do with my life and I have no idea how to figure this out. Work is not fun, I have no romantic relationships right now, and relying on them for meaning is a fool's game anyway, I've learned. My friends are great but having friends is not a life purpose. I don't know why I am here.

So for starters, I'm shutting down my dating accounts. I'm in no shape to date right now anyway.

Ugh.
 
I take it you're looking for more of a sense of purpose in life. To that end, cleaning house or at least getting started.
 
Yeah, I may focus on getting rid of some possessions I don't need or use. Something to do that's positive anyway. And I'm getting appointments with my therapist.
 
I realized that my life is a mess, that I don't know why I'm here, what I should do with my life and I have no idea how to figure this out. Work is not fun, I have no romantic relationships right now, and relying on them for meaning is a fool's game anyway, I've learned. My friends are great but having friends is not a life purpose. I don't know why I am here.

So for starters, I'm shutting down my dating accounts. I'm in no shape to date right now anyway.

Ugh.

Yeah, I may focus on getting rid of some possessions I don't need or use. Something to do that's positive anyway. And I'm getting appointments with my therapist.

Best wishes, Opal. You're a smart woman, I know you can do this.
 
Re (from opalescent):
"Yeah, I may focus on getting rid of some possessions I don't need or use. Something to do that's positive anyway. And I'm getting appointments with my therapist."

Those are great steps to take. You'll have more space in your life, and better organization too. Trust your own instincts.
 
I am sorry you are in a sucky place right now, Opal. To echo Mags, you are an amazing and strong woman. The rough patches do end.
 
I've been talking with my friends about my lack of purpose. It's been helpful, not so much that they have answers (although they often have useful suggestions) but getting it out of my head into words has been calming. And not hiding that I'm having this slow motion melt down has been good for me.
 
Those sound like some pretty good friends to me.
 
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