Am I poly or lonely?

BikerMomma

New member
Hello all,

I have been reading a fair amount about being poly for a while now. I have friends that are poly and it got me to consider what other lifestyles exist out there. But my reasons for wanting a poly lifestyle seem selfish and perhaps not the most mature. I need some advice.

I am currently in a stable monogamous relationship. We have a child together and he helps me with my other children from a previous marriage. He is a great man and father ... but very emotionally lacking, and more recently very limited in physical desire. I feel very lonely. Especially as I am a person that lives very passionately.

I want more in my life. Not just casual friendships but deep lasting relationships. And along those lines I have found myself becoming strongly physically attracted to an old friend of mine. I desperately want to bring this up to my current husband/partner yet can not even begin to find the words to explain what I desire.

I've expressed my needs and the lack in our relationship to him before. He has expressed he is giving me all he can of himself. I don't want to leave this relationship but I just plain need more or we will not survive. Is this the right reasons to seek polyamory? And when considering this I know we need to be honest about how we feel if the other person were to be in a relationship with another as well. THAT scares me, not so much about the idea itself but because I already get SO LITTLE of him now, that would mean less.

I am torn. Am I truly poly or just lonely? How do I tell my husband I desire intimate relationships with others? And what about these fears of him seeking others when I already get so little now?

And why doesn't life come with a manual?!? 😝
 
.... Am I truly poly or just lonely?

These things are not necessarily mutually exclusive. You may be both.

Some here will probably think my response, above, is a bit silly, because they conceive of polyamory as a form or structure of relationship and not a human tendency or identity. But the jury is still out on that. Personally, I suspect everyone is on the poly-spectrum somewhere, regardless of the sort of relationship pattern they choose to adopt. It's rather like sexual orientation in this respect. (I think everyone is on a bisexuality spectrum somewhere -- with essentially no one being fully 100% "gay" or "straight" -- or very, very few. But this is a question of desire and capacity, not of "lifestyle" or relationship or sexual patterns of behavior. A gay boy is a gay boy even when he's a virgin, after all.

It's important to distinguish unmet sexual or erotic needs from non-sexual intimacy needs (including non-sexual touch needs) -- and to honor both (or all) of these needs. Many people are quite satisfied in their relationships in only one of these two (or three) areas. Others feel a strong lack in both (or more). Still others are quite satisfied in both (or more) areas.

My suggestion to you would be, first of all, to be direct, clear and honest with your husband (partner?) about your feelings, desires, needs.... But first to be direct, clear and honest with yourself about the same. This may mean honoring your own needs and desires in a way which is new for you -- rather than blaming and shaming yourself for feeling as you do. It's a journey. One step at a time.
 
Hello,

Maybe doing some work on your relationship with your husband first would be a good idea? If there are problems between you two perhaps introducing a new person would complicate things?
 
As River suggests, you might want to look at poly more as a way of living you choose, then something you inherently are. It's a viable solution for some situations. You're solving this
I don't want to leave this relationship but I just plain need more or we will not survive.
... which sounds pretty severe. The solution could include working on giving yourself the things you need on your own (doing your inner work, finding new ways to be adventurous...), within the relationship you have (finding new balance with your partner), or divorce. It could even include polyamory, with or without husband. But frankly, and I think this could well happen to you, polyamory is sometimes used a more of a transition to another partner for people who are in fact monogamous and just want to smoothen the process (and I'd be ok with it if it wasn't for the dishonesty involved with themselves and with their old partner). Ask yourself, if what you're really shooting for is polyamory, or if it's in fact a more fufilling monogamous relationship.
 
Hi BikerMomma,

I would suggest you say to your husband, "Honey, I am interested in pursuing intimate relationships with multiple people. I need to know if that's something you could consent to." It's quite likely you will need to have many, many talks about this with your husband, and it may take a year or so for him to come around and be okay with it ... if he ever does. If he doesn't, you will have to decide whether to break up with him.

As for the fear of him seeing someone else, I think you'll need to be willing to take that risk, if he's willing to go along with polyamory. You can always ask for specific things you need along the way. You sound like you're already thinking about breaking up, so maybe it wouldn't be a major loss if that happened anyway.

Just some thoughts,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
If you're looking to polyamory because you're having problems in your current relationship, you may want to reconsider. Would you honestly want to explore your feelings for this other guy if things were going well in your current relationship? It's also important to remember that finding someone who you are really compatible with for a long-term relationship is rare. How will poly affect you and your current partner? At what point is the risk of losing that relationship worth it? Is this just a way to jump ship for you? I feel these are all important questions to consider.
 
I desperately want to bring this up to my current husband/partner yet can not even begin to find the words to explain what I desire.

I am sorry you struggle.

FWIW, I think you could eventually ask spouse for help. "I am feeling a lot of things lately. I need to air out. I also need some help sorting some of them out. Are you up for that conversation?" If he is, set a time, and when the time comes, start by having him read your post. Or maybe organize it into a bullet list.

But first reflect a bit to see if you can do some of it on your own.

Why do you fear being emotionally open and honest with your spouse? Isn't spouse the person you can be totally you with? If not.... why not? Because you hold back? So then your holding back behavior leads to you feel lonely and disconnected later? Maybe you change your behavior. See if it leads to better feelings.

What would poly "solve" for you? If husband gave you more of himself, would you still want poly? Because poly is not the bandaid for existing problems.

  • If I am not getting enough time with X?
  • Me dating Y? Is me getting more time with Y.
  • I am still not getting enough time with X.
  • I might feel ok temporarily with the new novelty of Y time, but it will circle back around. Not enough time with X.
Now what? I could change my want or I could ask for more time.

Or perhaps dating Y is my exit strategy so I don't have to be alone if I leave X. Is that going on here?

I'm not clear on what you want. Is it...

  • Help articulating what you desire?
  • More emotional or mental intimacy with your spouse? Not just day to day stuff, but deep talks?
    • To be able to share when you have crushes? Not do anything about them, but just share?
      • To ask spouse if he is willing to consider Open so you can pursue crush Friend?
        • To ask spouse if he is willing for you to start dating first, and then he starts dating X weeks later so it isn't changes on both sides at the same time at the exact same week?
    • A combo of the above? Something else?

I don't want to leave this relationship but I just plain need more or we will not survive. Is this the right reasons to seek polyamory? And when considering this I know we need to be honest about how we feel if the other person were to be in a relationship with another as well. THAT scares me, not so much about the idea itself but because I already get SO LITTLE of him now, that would mean less.

Need more WHAT? Specifically what behaviors would you like him to start doing/stop doing?

Don't you need to be honest about you feel with your husband whether you practice poly or not?

I wonder if you want more emotional and mental intimacy via open/honest communication from your spouse. But then you holding back not doing it yourself. Is it that you expect him to "pull" things out of you to prove he loves you and show he cares to know what's going on in your head? Is that what you want "more" of?

Galagirl
 
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