Beginning relationships as poly vrs opening up relationships

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I went from growing up having mono relationships to entering a poly relationship as a single person. So I'd say you could consider that beginning a relationship as poly (partner is married and had opened their relationship).

For me, the pros were that I went into it with an expectation of sharing from the beginning since "of course my partner is obviously going to live with and spend lots of time with his own wife, duh." I'm not sure if that intro to poly had any impact on minimizing jealousy, or if I'm just not a jealous person in general.

I still have to be careful that my partner and I do what we can to avoid creating couple's privilege between us since we're now basically each other's primaries, but from everything I read and hear, this is a more common (or a larger) problem with people who open a relationship vs people who start out as poly.

Cons of starting out poly? When starting out dating, if you're not purposefully solo-poly, it can often be frustrating for those who actively would like to find an anchor partner if they want to live with someone, or maybe get married or start a family. Since there seem to always be lots of people who already have anchor partners and aren't looking for that, it can make it hard to find what you're looking for.
 
Speaking logically, I would expect "beginning relationships as poly" to be easier since everyone is consenting right from the start. But, in practice, it's more common to open up a previously-closed relationship, even though one would expect more potential problems.
 
I'd expect it to be easier as poly-from-the-get-go.

One of the biggest reasons is something I often see with opening couples is that one person is way more enthused about poly than the other.

If everyone is already well aware of the poly factor from the beginning, that's got to make it so much easier, than trying to persuade or convince a reluctant mono person to give it a shot or even just allow it.

And I'd think that people who were already poly would have some idea of their own poly ethics, might have run into some of the pros and cons and learned a thing or two. Like anything, it probably gets easier with practice.
 
Speaking from personal experience, I think opening to poly from a monogamous relationship inherently carries couple privilege, no matter how hard they try to avoid it.
 
Speaking from personal experience, I think opening to poly from a monogamous relationship inherently carries couple privilege, no matter how hard they try to avoid it.

Well yeah, but I think it could be worked with instead of against. Like with the dedicated solo poly who is ok with a season or two of casual love with a married person or a married couple, or even a two-couple quad.

I thought one of the things that made my quad work pretty well was that at the time, no one really needed to move in with anybody, it was kind of understood that Fire and Hefe's marriage was a solid, primary thing, and while I expected that either of them would put the other first if need be, I didn't feel that it in any way marginalized or diminished my place in the relationship. I was solo poly and so I was ok with how it was.

Honestly my eventual feeling like a "tourist visiting their world" was as much a matter of geography and time, as it was any kind of existing couple privilege. It was a non-issue, in my mind.

I guess they had couple privilege but I didn't want it. It didn't matter.

Maybe it just depends on what people's expectations are.

But then I think of how easy it was to fall into poly with Analyst and Hefe and Fire, as a quad...and I consider the idea of trying to open the closed, mono relationship I have now with Zen and I just imagine such a minefield of hurt and frustration and difficulty and issues, that it's not worth it. And why would it be, if we're both satisfying each other very well? *shrug*
 
I agree, couple privilege isn't inherently a bad thing. But for some people, it's the worst poly sin anyone can ever commit. I've been ranted at and told I'm not "truly" poly because I won't have sex with any partner other than Hubby in the home he and I share, and to be honest, I prefer not having any other partner even visit said home. My boyfriend visits on rare occasions, but only for very brief stretches of time for very specific G-rated purposes.

(Which is admittedly a huge complicating factor whenever I try dating anyone, because some guys flat out won't get involved with a woman who won't host them...)
 
Nothing personal, but it's a really goofy premise: beginning relationships as poly vs. opening up relationships.

Quick: which is better, an F-150 or a Lamborghini?

If you can't afford steep insurance, or you don't trust your own driving skills, or you can't afford a few thousand a year in repair bills, or you want a vehicle that can move furniture, then the Lambo is basically not a great idea, eh? ;) I don't fault people for wanting the sportscar, especially as they've been told from birth it's The One True Way: big wedding, big house, once & done, Death Do Us Part.

I've been poly since before my first relationship. She opened the metaphoric door by saying she felt torn between me & another guy. I said, "Why do you need to choose just one?" I literally don't know how to NOT be poly.

Looking around, it seems like most people were monogamous before considering/discovering polyamory. It's impossible to un-ring that bell, & few people have the degree of conviction necessary to drop the pretense & enter as individuals.
 
I don't get why open and poly are put in opposition. It is entirely possible to do both at the same time. And it is entirely possible to open up a relationship and start being poly at the same time. I just don't see much difference between them in reality. They tend to bleed together for me. But I know some see sharp differences.
 
Well, for one thing, I see sharp differences between the kind of relationships that are escalator bound, and those that aren't.

Not only marriage or primary, mono-ish sorts of thing versus "secondary" but even whether people intend to move in a unicorn, or date outside the primary home, or if they even have a primary or want one, or whatever. I've known people just out for a fling, people who are seeking "The One" and every possible shade in between.

And much as Ravenscroft says, there really isn't anything wrong with whatever people are trying to do, but what makes sense for one person (or relationship or couple or whateva) won't necessarily make sense to the next person.

I don't even like lamborghinis (especially not pink ones, ugh!) or champagne, or lions, or...wait, what were we talking about again?
 
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