Need help explaining Sex with one is not better than the other

Vera

New member
Hello everyone,

So my BF and I have been dating for five years now, we have always had more flexible boundaries but we completely opened our relationship 6 mounts ago. My BF has seen other girls but is not currently. I have also see girls in the past but recently I have started seeing a man for the first time. We are really to move our relationship to the next level, But my BF is uncomfortable with this. He believes my new partner will perform better sexually than him, and that I will rather have sex with my new partner.

How do I explain to him that neither one will be better than the other one and that I will still want to have sex with him?

Thank you for your help, Vera
 
Don't tell, show. he-he-he....;):D:rolleyes:
 
You can say it until you are blue-until he decides to let go of his fear of being "not good enough" he won't believe you.

I've been struggling with that issue for years.

Just keep loving him, keep making love to him and reminding him that he's still special to you.
 
honestly, he needs to have confidence in his own prowess. You can talk all you want, but he may never understand.

Lack of self-confidence needs to be fixed by self...:)
 
Men get weird at times....



Looks like he is rearing up the Jealousy Bug.

Chances are it is all because it is a Male involved and his brain is on overload.


That will be a hard thing to break without a LOT of love and trust.


He has to know that whatever happens, you are "going home with him" at the end of the day.


 
I am going through a similar issue with my female partner. My other lover is male and she feels because he has a penis and can do things sexually for me she can not do without assistance that my sex life with him will always be more fulfilling. I try to reassure her that they both satisfy me, just in different ways, but I feel it is a losing battle with her insecurities. She is genderqueer (accepting that she has aspects of both masculinity and femininity within her) and has always felt lacking in some way based on her absence of male parts. I know this is an issue she must come to terms with on her own before anything I say will make a difference but I'm totally with you on the frustration factor.

Hope your guy learns to trust you and trust himself. *hugs*
 
Agreeing with the idea that he might have to look inward to his feelings of self worth and esteem... some more thoughts.

People have sex differently when it comes down to it. They smell different, sound different, have different talents and desires. Your man will not be the same as this other man. He has his own unique way that you love about him... if you have got to the point where you would like to experience what this man is like sexually then that has nothing to do with your love and desire for your boyfriend. It comes from a different place.

I have a live in boyfriend and a husband. Two men that are very different. I had sex with both this week several times and the two put me in a different head space within the space of the half hour (at one point) that I had between them. My body feels the same and reacts the same way as I understand it, but theirs do not; because they are different. I get turned on in different ways with each of them...and experience the situation differently. I love that!

I can understand why your boyfriend would feel this way however. I think that sometimes our culture of sex does not embrace closeness and connection in sex and sees it as a cock and a pussy doin' it. We see that in porn for instance. Shaved pussies modified and trimmed to look a certain way that is meant to be desirable, thin women that yell out the same thing every time... men who put them in positions that are for them, not for her... these images are not real. The sex is not real. Having pretended, in fun, to be in a mainstream porn video, the sex is contrived and hollow; showy. Isn't meant to get anyone off. I find amateur porn to be much more satisfying as a result.

If we have been taught what sex is by popular culture as two bodies banging up against each other, then I can see how he would think that you might get the same thing and better. He might think that you don't need anything else, because you have that.

I'm not saying that the sex you have is hollow or anything like that, I am only suggesting that the culture you are brought up in has curved your views of sex when really in your intimate moments its different than that.

That being said, there is the possibility that he is not concerned about the act so much as the closeness that likely will follow... the bond that will be created. For many people there is no coming back from that, the bond will be set. I wonder if you dug a bit deeper if this is what you will find he is concerned about.
 
No 2 men are alike. It's not all just insert Tab A into Slot B.

Some men adore giving head. Some can take it or leave it, some won't do it at all.

Some men love to be penetrated. Some are totally not interested.

Some men are subs, some are Doms, some are kinky switches.

Some are shy, some are assertive.

Some love bjs and some can't cum from that.

Some love to talk dirty, some barely make a sound even when cumming.

Some are cross-dressers, some are so Dom they don't even want to take their cargo pants and shirt off.

Some will read you erotic literature, some think stories are for kids.

Some are skinny, some muscly, some are large and bearlike.

You get the picture. All are different, none necessarily "better" than the other.

Variety is the spice of life!
 
I am going through a similar issue with my female partner. My other lover is male and she feels because he has a penis and can do things sexually for me she can not do without assistance that my sex life with him will always be more fulfilling.

This is the very reason I am so thrilled and encouraging my wife to explore her affinity for women! Years ago, if she approached me about sharing intimacy with another woman (with or without me present) I would have thought "That's so hawt, chicks-on-chicks!!! WOOOO!". Now that we've been married for a while, I've accepted what I can and cannot do, and want her to experience other people. I haven't had a ton of partners in my life, but I've had many more than she, and I've gotten to experience some of the variety Mag mentioned (only from the male perspective about different women).

That said, Vera I can relate to your BF's point of view, because none of this involves another man yet. For me, in considering and accepting opening our marriage to poly, I know I have to face that particular trust issue, (as does my wife should I become involved with another woman). What helps me is to take it to heart that just as other women can be a source of adventure for her to explore, learn from, and develop strong intimate relationships, it's really the other people part that's fulfilling her, and nothing gender-specific. (That's not to say that you women don't bring some very wonderful gender-specific things to the table ;)- God bless you all for that).

I think most people, but men in particular, can dismiss bi-relations as completely non-threatening (thanks society!), but the minute another potential protector shows up, we tend to assume that our role and importance will diminish greatly. Watching our lady go through NRE can be particularly painful if we're not ready for it, because we want to be the ones that make her feel that way. Unlike with bi-relations, we have to consciously override that reaction and remind ourselves that this is precisely why we got into this in the first place. We also have to remember that this is for her, and ultimately for both of us in the greater scheme of things.

Remember that the ability to please and satisfy your partner is a very important cornerstone in most men's self image. We all have gifts and I know there are some things I do that are really great. There are other things where I think, "man, I wish I could call in someone to knock this part out of the park for me". Try to help him see that it's "different sex" and not "better sex" and you want and enjoy both. If he's particularly sensitive about it, I wouldn't bring up details though. The same applies to the emotional bonding - but that's a more fundamental poly issue (love as a finite resource vs. an infinite one).
 
what are the differences?

Early this morning I was imagining telling Shorty how Dreamy is in bed. The last few times I was with Shorty, some of our sex talk included my telling him stories of my past sexual exploits (from before I was married). He gets off on hearing about my more "daring" experiences with other men. He asks me questions and gets really turned on when I go into detail. [Hmm, I wonder how he would feel about someone in my life currently.]

Anyway, I was thinking about the differences between his and Dreamy's lovemaking, and found it hard to explain. They've both enabled me to have incredibly mind-blowing orgasms, and I could use many of the same words to describe both of them, but the feeling I get from each is very different. Part of it is, I'm sure, that I'm more familiar with Shorty, but I really haven't known him that much longer. I was walking home from breakfast out with Dreamy and was sort of floating above the sidewalk, feeling satisfied from the time we spent together, but I know it was radically different from the satisfaction I've felt after being with Shorty. Yet, I don't know how to explain what that difference is, other than one being a little more of a quiet contentment with having been pleasured skillfully (Dreamy), and the other a fair amount more joyful, tender, and adventurous (Shorty). I think, maybe, that's it, but I really don't know. And I'm equally happy with both.

I guess that doesn't help much, but I do think this is an interesting topic.
 
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Nyc,
I totally understand.

I have awesome sex with both Maca and GG. But, it's so totally different. Even if we compared the same position... it's totally not the same. Two different men, two different personalities, two different bodies, two different attitudes,
therefore,
two totally different experiences.

;)

both of which rock my world wonderfully.
 
How do I explain to him that neither one will be better than the other one and that I will still want to have sex with him?

I really, really enjoy listening to the Smokin' Joe Kubeck Band. That in no way diminishes my enjoyment of Counting Crows.
 
I think for me it was easier to deal with when Karma finaly sat me down and said "There are things I do with you that will never feel the same with Cricket, there are things I do with her that will never feel the same with you. You are two different women with two different needs and personalities." Somehow it just kind of clicked for me. I can think back to other partners and know that certain things felt different with certain partners. Didn't make one better or worse, just different.

That made things a lot easier for me. It goes back to feeling special. At least for me.
 
Gotta be honest and upfront about how the two are different even if you don't feel one is better than the other.

Stuff like..."Yes, I like how he does so-and-so...but on the other hand I really love how you do this-and-that."

Because let's face it...we're kidding ourselves if we say "Oh you're both the best...and equally so!". But if you embrace the differences and how both are great in different ways, then it's much more believable.
 
I don't believe in sharing details, and I would really like to not know details about Easy and Asha that I don't already know--just, you know, I think it would make me feel *more* like I was being compared, or that maybe Easy was telling me so that I would change what I was doing.

What helped me was to be able to think about it from my own perspective. When I get afraid that Easy wishes I would do X or that Asha does Y better or just that Easy enjoys his time with Asha better, it really helped me to stop and think about my time with Sunday. I don't compare them. I enjoy different things about them. They kiss *very* differently, but there's not a chance I would like either of them to change that! I would be so sad if I had to give up one of them. If I'm not actually comparing the two of them, then it seems likely that Easy isn't comparing me and Asha, either.

Plus, love is so much more than physical sensation. I don't love either Easy, Asha, or Sunday for sex. (Though I'd cry if I never got to have sex again.)
 
Plus, love is so much more than physical sensation. I don't love either Easy, Asha, or Sunday for sex. (Though I'd cry if I never got to have sex again.)

I know that feeling. I don't love Wolf, Wendigo, or Pretty Lady for the sex, but the sex is amazing with each of them and I'd cry if I never got to have sex with them again. Each of them are different and yes, there are some things that each of them do for me that the others can't/ won't/ or just aren't as experienced at. Their bodies are different, their lovemaking styles are different, and I love that about them. Wolf has trouble separating different from better sometimes - what's helped for us is to have the occasional threesome or foursome. Wendigo likes me talking to him, even during sex about the differences and what I enjoy that he does for me. And Pretty Lady and I have not experienced another woman before, so we're exploring together. Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's scary and nerve wracking and the guys have to prod us into making a move, but we're getting there.

It's up to you and your partners to figure out what works best for you and them and to accept that what works for one might not work for the other.
 
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