Living Truthfully Within

I got spontaneously asked out on a friends breakfast and book reading this Sunday but i turned him down till next Sunday as we just saw each other too recently.

He's starting a DND group in Sept I might join in and says he knows someone he wants to set me up with o_O He sent me a picture of the dude, said he is like a brother to him. He's super cute! An engineer. Whats with all the engineers in my life lately? lol. Popular occupation in this town apparently.

I'm not holding my breath but we'll see.

Went to see Valerian with group of friends last night. My back held out but I'm going to look for a lower back brace to use until I get into physical therapy. That's what I have really needed to do for a year now since finding out about my back leaning to one side. I had mental health stuff and moving stuff to deal with at the time and I didn't want to go through health service that chose my therapist for me, i wanted to chose my own with something as important as back repair. :S

As far as dating nothing much else going on, seeing where things go with Kiki, and enjoying my single-ish life. :)
 
Well my back hates me today.

I used a cloth back brace, and a tenz machine, and I went in the pool today. Also been taking ibuprophen. But i'm still having issues. I have contacted a lot of different physios but i'm leaning towards a womens clinic who also deals with post pregnancy and hypermobility issues.

Anyway, I better go catch up with GoT since I missed with friens becuase of my back. I also had some drama with my mother about my kids..but honestly cant be dealing in that again. Myself and my grandma had words with my mother on the severity of her not thinking and how it could impact the ability of me to have my kids this xmas. She really needs to think before she acts. I have decided to treat her as 3yr old from here on out. I just lost total respect for her tday it was that bad :(

Her 60th bday is 2 days a way so i made peace so her bday could be calm but i was so beyond angry it was unreal. i sat the car and cried and screamed my frustration to the universe and was completely wiped out. How she thinks in any universe its ok to contact the kids granddad for a casual conversation on employing my 11 year old daughter was just beyond my brain. I just..UGH.

Here;s all the things wrong with this senario:
1) lost my kids to ex husband, becuase of this man
2) had spent all morning desperately trying to get my skype to work for her to casually call up uk from her phone with out offering this to me. (She previously told me her phone didnt work to call overseas)
3)Asking over my head for anything to do with my daughter
4)Asking over ex husbands head.
5) Asking child first to be employed.
6) going against laws of land in uk to be employed as an 11 year old.
7) Endangering my ability to see my kids with her thoughtless actions because she has no clue how this family operates or our enmity which is only JUST getting a little better finally.
8) Her complete lack of giving a shit she did this to me and trying to justify bad behaviour.
9) then when I offer an olive branch throwing it in my face, dragging me out to make "amends" and instead shopping for her birthday with money she doesnt have.
10) I then get NO work done and i feel like complete shit for the rest of the day because I have commitments to my clients to finish a painting that I had to push back to thursday.

The granddad is the man who pushed my ex husband to court for five years, who is actually an actual enemy to my happiness and the girls being with me. There is no reason at all for her to be in contact with him. I felt deeply betrayed on many levels and had to write an email to the grandad I had nothing to do with her crazy. But I swear if i lose the ability to see my girls this xmas, i dont know i'll ever forgive her for this.

In fact I think it will be the straw that breaks the camels back, and i will move far away. No amount of family contact is worth losing my kids over.
 
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So I quit the job because I knew I couldn't finish the training. It was unreal what they expected. I cant go into specifics but I made the best tactical choice for me.

This happened monday, so tuesday has been recoup day, and tomorrow is going to sign up for a temp agency, to find more work.

I am also heading into the studio. i have a painting to finish this month for a client, and I have to paint the walls of my studio and tidy it up. I never did this because of the back issue.

I cleared things up with mom about the family drama she caused.

Her 60th was good.

I was going to go to denver next month but that won't be happening not with no job. Even if i get temp work, i will need to save every penny I can.


Recently I've noticed a BS line from men that piss me off and feels like i need to add it to my red flag list. Guys who tell themselves they are nice guys, by telling women "I only make female friends" "i dont have male friends"
"I cant relate to men"
I have heard this line from 5 different men in area I live in and countless times in the UK.

Anyone else ever had a version of this told to them?

Is a guy just trying to get sympathy laid? Or is he really cheating/wanting multiple women but not openly?
 
So.

I haven't been here in awhile because i've been in a deep introspective and contemplation mode.

My ex has decided not to let me see the kids or have them come out. I can't go to court again to amend stuff, no money, and so so very weary. So. I've decided to just live my life.

And on that note i've decided to be openly poly.

I've been studying and practicing and living it, if not well, since I was a teenager, (I didn't know what it was then only that I got introduced to people in a group, who were all sleeping together and i just knew this innately but was too shy to talk about it and I didn't DO much then, I was just aware on some level it existed and it was ok by me.) and I know one of my happiest relationship relating times was when I was poly openly because I was in line in my spiritual and mental self an my bi-sexual self. I felt I could truly be me. My health was better, I was more resilient, and I was coping with life better because I was more me.

Yes, my choices in people could use a bit of work, and my relating skills a lot more work, but

I'm ready to come out of the closet.

I'm not going to spam my business, but I am going to share some photos and if you'd like to add me on FB feel free to PM me. :)

I don't want to leave here, or shut this part of me off, and even if i have no partners I feel like this is an identity that took as much time for me to acknwledge and accept as my bi-sexuality an non-mormoness.

I also am aware of the impact this might have on my kids seeing me. But since i dont want to go to court ever again, and its only a few years out of my kids deciding for themselves anyway, in which case an amendment would be much easier as it would be just their voices and a consensus. And I see myself never living in the uk again. This is easier. It aligns who I am and my life better.

Plus I watched the incredible bravery this last week of how open an honest Ariel is about her poly/open marriage at a girls night and it had a deep impact on me. 7 years younger and such a leader in making. I have such respect for her.

I am going to be brave come hell or high water, but I also hope, loving and accepting myself more, will lead to a happier and peaceful Star.

I have three images in attachements:
The first one is myself and Rocky last year in 2016 may.
The second is my two girls, shooting star and rosebud
and the third is one of my more recent pieces of artwork as a gift to a long term online friend who has been helping coach me in fitness and health.
 

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I finally had that poly talk with Vinny properly, after chewing him out for flirting with me and lying to himself about his attraction to me.

It started with a conversation he said he had a dream about me not being friends or lovers. Then telling me that he saw this site, i told him about, but he couldn't openly be poly because his wife would never agree to it and he didn't want to leave her. She was too fragile (barf.).

So then I realise it was me who was being naive, and I said you're right, you're dream was right, we can't be friends because you want me and we can't be lovers because you're too afraid to be you and tell your wife what you want. I won't be a cheater, but you already are because you want me and expressed that in more ways than one. And I won't participate in this.

I cited examples of texting me Every Day, All Day,
Taking me to lunch/breakfast
Not taking me around friends but specifically wanting one-on-one time all the time
buying me gifts, offering to buy me more gifts.

This was all very date-y for having only met the man a few weeks back.

There goes boundary practice in action, he was very understanding about my decision and I feel super positive about it.

On the upside, beards and older men are no long a physical trigger from my past, after hanging out with him. Can't say I love it, but at least now I don't go running the other direction in the proximity of a beard present. ;)

Also..I have two dates lined up with *two openly poly people* one in a month (the guy is moving to town and is an artist woot!) And the other is a married man, with a daughter, and is a part time artist and his wife is a full time artist...i am very happy about all this!

I also had the closure conversation with Kiki, she kept making vague excuses on not seeing me since being back from trip, so I said, well come along to my b-day party and be a friend but don't do a fade if you're not sexually/romantically interested. That's ok. :)

I also decided to stop fighting against who my mom is. Shes a narcissist. Shes a support as much as she can be to me, she will never pass the rules of England to support my kids. it wont happen. So, i gave over the fight that i will get my kids back and that i need to run away from my mom or reality again.

Instead, i just accept it, and me.
 
Thank you, Powerpuff.

I don't have words for how his has scarred and changed me. But it has.
Theres days I just don't think I can get up and keep going, but somehow I do.
We all have our battles.

If being me isn't "good enough" for the courts, then, I am too tired and weary and broke, to prove I am. I am playing the long game now. What disgusts me most is that I reached out to Rocky about this this week when I was damn near suicidal because I was coming to terms wit hthe fact it might be years I see them in person because my ex-husband actively obstructs me seeing them, and my mom is useless in this. She never was in england once the 11 years I was there. And he started an argument with me, saying that I was still in love with him and needed to let it go. Wtf? For real? OF COURSE I'm going to pissed at him for not being there for me when litterally if he had went to court an showed i had a support network, i might still have my kids, if he had been at all actually practically supportive instead of walking away from me again and again an if i hadnt been so stupid as to keep walking back..maybe i could have chosen different paths..

I drive myself crazy right now with what-ifs. I dont know who I am disgusted at more, him for being such a coward, or me for being so niaeve.


So. What can I do but accept it?

The hardest part is talking to my youngest. My oldestest anger at me i can understand, she thinks i'm too weak. Abandoned her but loveh er etc. Normal healthy feelings.
My youngest however just went when we both are about to cry over skype, "Mom just pretend I dont exist, it will help you."

I went hunny, I think about you every second of every day. I cannot and willnot do that. I love you so much. I felt like someone had fed that idea to her, and she was testing me, but she said it so mater of factly and calmly. And with such compassion towards my feeling it broke my heart. she does NOT need to worry about what i feel. and she just needs me, to hug her. Both of them do.

I have no idea what the fuck to do to get htem back in my life, its so entirely unfair and fucked up. and thats life. unfair and fucked up sometimes.
 
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So I finally have some non-heavy stuff to talk about! :)
So one work front:
I have 1 exhibit in october coming up, for two small works.
I'm working on some large paintings to go with my continued theme to get into a more professional gallery.
I'm working on a wall mural so then offer wall murals to clients in the area.
AND i have a commission to finish this month. I'm incredibly broke so I really need to get a part time gig so I can keep my social life going and save up for things.

On the family front:
My mom and I are making great strides in repairing our relationship. I am better able to "catch her" in narcissistic moments and manage my own expectations and responses to downplay the drama, and she'd FINALLY starting to get the seriousness of ex-husband and kids.

Also, after telling off Rocky; we manage some semblance of conversational friendship. I just can't seem to let this dude go, but I told him this has to stop, his cowardness needs to grow up now. He's had three years of patience and I'm so over him being "too afraid to tell me something". He had written a huge series of text messages apologising for doing a fade, blaming me, and shifting it towards our past. Which he admitted was wrong, and he shouldn't have said I was an "inconvenience". Then he told me he does love me and thinks about me all the time and is just hurting. I said well you made your bed, you made it very clear you didn't want me, that way so I'm not available now.

And I said then back it up with loving behaviour because literally all we have is words and if he's going to be so careless with those then he keeps chipping away at my respect and love for him and I feel my heart slowly hardening into a rock towards him.

On other relationship fronts...
I have a date tomorrow with a guy whose married. No idea or expectations where that will go, if anything. But we have a really good conversation vibe on text, and he's very easy for me to talk to, and we banter and talk about day to day things. That's fun. Our evening is planned like this:
Coffee with him and his wife first, then we go off one and one to minigolf, then over to a pub to hang out if we are not too tired. :) I'm so excited!

This weekend was also really amazing! I had a pool party, and had 16 people show up! There were kids and pets and poly people ,and being open and honest. Ariel was there with her BF, but no Landon sadly. But he did actually text me once for first, lol. And Ginger and Kiki were there. So all my favourite peeps were all together, we played board games, swam, had some alcohol, and kik decided to join the girly group. So it's awesome. :) That's definitely moved to friend zone and that's ok too!
 
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So a weird turn of events for the supposed to be date yesterday:

I will call him Mr Priorities for the purpose of this story as I have no intention of contacting him again.

So. He sets up this date with me, asks me out, asks to bring along his partner for coffee part to meet me, asks to extend it to one-on-one time afterwards and have minigolf and dinner/drinks afterwards. So lets just make this clear he was heavily pursuing.

I find out 6 hours before his wife has issues with him going solo with me, (Red flag number 1), and he now wants to do coffee with him and his wife and me only.
BUT (red flag number 2) he doesn't ask me for this, he decided this with her then informs me, like i'll just go along with it. UM NO. So I explain, that its not the change in plans I have an issue with, although I'm hurt and upset, it's the fact that he's unilaterally made this decision with her and *didn't even ask me*- just assumed i'd be fine with it.

So he *doesn't appologise* instead says "I'm sorry you feel that way". (Flag number 3) And I reiterate with:
"Well that was almost an apology. I'm not at all sorry I feel a feeling an expressed it in a healthy mature way."

Then after that statement he went on to make excuses for his bad behaviour.(Flag number 4) He said "I haven't seen my wife in a month because I am getting our second mortgage/ house fixed up to sell, and I haven't been around my 2 year old daught to help support my wife in the daughter as I usually am."

Afer processing this information for about an hour, I then commented back on this going: "So wait, now you're telling me, instead of nurturing your wife and your wife's relationship during this stressful time, you're on OKC looking for women? AND to top all of this off youre also saying, since you haven't seen your wife in a month (And she's a 20 min drive away not like days away, or thousands of miles), tat you're willining neglecting your 2 year old daughter to look for women? AND to add insult and injury the firt time you have free time with her, you CHOOSE to introduce her to a woamn you want to potentially date?"
Then I followed up with:
"Fuck Dude, you need to get your priorities straight! I would give my RIGHT PAINTING ARM, to see my girls every day and you're in the same town and haven't seen her in a month?- You have no idea what a lucky bastard you are to be able to love that girl."

Then I stopped messaging him. I don't think he knew what to say to that.
I am infintely glad I didn't go on a first date with him.
Poor wife and daughter.
 
@ Powerpuffgrl,
I know, right? lol.

So kissing frogs continues.
I went to a meetup straight away with a poly dude local, and he's in a really bad place, probably shouldn't be dating and it was very apparent we had nothing in common.

While sitting at the bar discussing this, and him asking only three questions of me in the space of an hour..
the usual "Do I see my kids?" (having kids and them living with their dad is on my OKC profile. I'm now considering taking it off.)
"Was it your choice?"
and the n"What are your tatoos?" Proceeded by grabbing my wrist without my persmission. I almost went Krav maga on him, in automatic response as I have been practicing but restrained myself. lol.

The rest of the time as listening to him moan about his partner, moan about his depression, moan about his pets, and mansplain me about how no one understands depression and he was going t otell me all about :rolleyes:

So after he grabbed my wrist, I put him down very harshly.
We had migrated from a couch seat to a bar seat at htis point and a bloke next to me overheard the conversation, and decided after the man left to "take me down a peg or two" as well, and openly flamed my use of speaking my opinion, and cited "I am a physician so I have every right to tell people how it is."

The only saving grace was the bartender (a man) who kindly, leaned in having heard most of the conversations between me and other man, and this new one....helped me out. He said that BOTH men were here frequently and to be glad both of them don't think highly of me, because I was doing right by not thinking highly of them. And that he physician often times left the bar without paying his tab out, and they were getting ready to bar him from coming. The bar keep was even kind enough to give me a discount as I had never been to this pub before and appologised for the crazy regulars.

Thank god he said something , after the day before that with the married dude I was beginning to think I was going crazy with men here...is this an Arizona thing? lol.

So, more "kissing" frogs, or in this case, never getting to the kissing and just going..ick frogs.

On other news, i'm sending thoughts and prayers and well wishes to anyone who is in florida and coastal islands south of florida. I can't even fathom 150mp winds..not including the rain and flooding. The closest I've been in is Wyoming, for camping, and that was 50-70 mph winds.

I'm starting some freelance writing gigs as I realised I may as well turn what I love doing here into some extra cash- So hopefully that pans out! It will work well around my art and family and social commitments too.
 
Not much to update in poly world.

In the ironic twist of fate, the lady I was seeing is now interested one of my friends who i went on one date with previously LOL.
Funny world.

I had a bday a few weeks ago, and that was fun, so much has happened this last month I haven't had time to update at all!

I am getting regular paid work through art, so that is super exciting. I have started to average about 120 per day. Not shabby!

I also signed on a home here in the USA. I'm now going to be a home owner as of next week- still staying the area as I got a lot of art connections, seriously my life here has just blossomed.

That girl a few months ago who runs the social group I'm a part of, she came back from her hiatus, and I found out she has a health problem and thats what caused her to freak out at me awhile back. So I've resolved that mostly, and we went to an event together and life is good. Since she's been gone so long and been so rude towards me before and decided cool since, she hasn't got the same backing she had before. Too many secrets on her end, and it only caused herself to be isolated further. :(

I am going to continue to be kind and cool about it all regardless.

I'm loving the new art I'm creating, and I got my studio all fixed up, it took a LOT of work, and that's what I did the lead up to my b-day, and hosted a party there.

I have a studio tour this week, with a lot of people showing up. I think i'll be here the whole time, working and talking to people.

I'm hoping to make some sales and recoup some of the costs of doing this place up and purchasing the home, on top of the other sales i have been making in comissions. I've done 4 comissions in the past 2 weeks. That's not bad. Doing another one tonight for a pet portrait so I need to jet over to a friends house and take photos before I go off home to eat. I'm FAMISHED right now.

I injured my knee a little while back in a martial arts class and i'm still struggling with it.

Also my aunty who went to uk with me and supported me for so long, she broke her hip and had hip surgery about 4 weeks ago.
Shes on a really good recovery path and is going home next week.

There's just been so much going on, and so little time. So little time. I feel like I go go go and don't have much interest or time in dating right now. People except friends and family slip off my radar and my libido has gone underground while I focus on bigger fish to fry...
 
I signed the papers today. I'm now a proud owner of two houses on one lot. My mother and father will live in one house, and my grandma and myself in the other smaller one.

I am pleased to be finally finally be able to give back to family who have done a lot financially for me over the years.

This is a good step in the right direction, and a few more years and I'll be set with my business, and earning a comfortable income.

Life is good. :) Very busy, but very good.

I am also openly out and poly, been supporting poly peeps in community, and I feel relatively safe in my town being so. I like my network and I feel a lot more stable in myself lately.

Also been making friends with some males in my social groups and at the building i'm in (other artists and business owners), that are healthy fun relationships and not the skeevy that's been okc for me lately.
I think I'm totally burnt out of dating and I'm revelling in my singleness.
 
It's been some time since I updated.

The move shifted a lot of things. I stopped working at the studio/gallery because I had done a trial period with them, and really loved it. But the cost of a home, and helping my families business and getting settled in didn't allow for me to allocate resources there. Instead I am working on setting up shop here.

I took care of a stray dog for about 3 weeks and found its owner. It had been running loose for some time in the neighborhood and now that is taken care of.

I had a message from Rocky. The similar vein of the past: "I miss what you gave me" text novella. Well tough shit. I didn't reply much, except to say i'm sorry he missed what I did for him. Not quite the same as missing me is it? That boat has sailed. I rarely initiate, which means I don't hear from him often..once a month if that? I finally feel...apathetic. To me, that part of my life is like a dream since moving back to the USA. A book that was closed and put on a shelf. My kids are more real than he is. I cannot access the same good memories anymore with him, mostly because I don't want to feel good about someone who used me.

My oldest (Shooting Star) has stopped talking to me recently. She hit a teacher at school in the face with a book, this reopened investigations with Social Services. Finally they are believing what I have been saying all along, she is very troubled and needs help. She is monitored now day in and out at school never alone with anyone- escorted in class and between class and all other times. At home she is causing problems with my ex and his long time GF/fiance. As well as issues with his paternal step mom and paternal step grandma. Not my problems.

I do often wonder if i'll have a very troubled teen show up on my door in a few years. Rosebud and I speak a couple times a week on skype and our relationship is healthy and good. Rosebud is learning piano, and we record music with each other. We also play games on skype, and talk about what we have been up to with our weeks.

I write only sparingly here because I have nothing of poly-centric to contribute, and I'm not dating anyone and my life is amazingly simple. I talk to my gran each day and help her with things. I run errands for family. In some ways I've been regressed to teenager mode again with my mother not realising or acknowledging the fact I have spent 11 years building my own way of doing things, and own values and opinions and life. I am ok with this because I don't live with her directly. But I take amusement from her judgement calls...instead of annoyance. "Oh you say Gahla, not Gayla?!(For the word GALA- which makes sense from living around british)" "You are eating that?" "you are watching this?" When i'm on bad days I simply ignore it. I wonder if I never was a separate person in my mothers head, but an image of herself?

My grandma at least tries to acknowledge and understand what I've been through. But I realised she never will completely. At least she cares and loves.

My PTSD has been super bad through the month of November as it generally is because its a big trigger month for me for various reasons I won't go into. So I tend to hibernate from November to January. Ironically Xmas isn't that bad. I have never had big elaborate xmas's with my kids, usually it was a vacation, a tree, and a ham roast.

I miss the tree but I know they have it. So that's something.

As for everything else, I like my new home. My xmas gift is getting a furbaby to love. I miss My kitty in england, and I am going to get a dog because rescuing and reuniting that dog was good for my soul.

It's like a daily reminder against my PTSD that says, hey, I matter as a human even without kids and despite my depression. I can get this right. Taking care of this animal. That I can do. Who doesn't love giving and receiving unconditional love? :)
 
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Too funny! I was just wondering about you today.

Sounds like a mixed bag for you lately. It's hard to have a kid in trouble and there is nothing you can do.

Good luck finding YOUR dog.
 
Thanks Powerpuff :)

So I guess I could update about my social circles who are poly.

A shit storm happened in September/october with this female friend who I mentioned in passing. Basically it caused me to stop considering her a friend because I was fine with her being interested in the other lady. That was cool but it was the crossing of my personal an professional bounderies I got seriously pissed off at.

So basically, the new lady, whom I went on one friend maybe more date with, I will name Diana. And the first friend I made when I got to this town I'll name Lily.
I set Diana and Lily up because I knew Lily was still trying to get over ex and Diana wasn't looking for anything serious. I invted them both to my events, birthday party, gallery opening etc.
I spent time one on one with both and all of us together.
Then at one of my gallery showings, where it was open studio tour in end of September, Diana asked if I could do a painting of her for her 40th. I said yes and we set up the date for her to come over, she explained she wanted partial nude.

Well, Lily was with her and invited herself along. I told her no, I didn't feel comfortable because I kenw they were courting, and that would be too unprofessional for me to get any work done.

So I took Lily aside later and explained this. Lily then went behind my back, and Diana too (though Diana didn't know I wanted one on one), and got the refrence photos without me at Lily's house. She brought Diana in on it by prtenece an plying her with alcohol. So not only was this unethical because of my explicit desire NOT to do this with Lily, but it was also just really shitty towards Diana to booze her up and get her naked. Wtf.

SO...with all this girl drama in this girl group, I've taken a HUGE step back.
Also during the halloween party, another one of the ladies showed up in the exact same outfit I told everyone I was coming as, even down to the details, AFTER she knew I was going as that. Thankfully I didn't give a shit, then or now, but I decided that women are hard to be friends with. I prefer 1-1 friends I think.

Also one of the other girls, not woman, there, is very depressed over a guy who didn't like her, and both him and her were part of our larger social group and tried to get me in the middle and i ended up taking sides with the lady because he was acting so similar to Rocky and the hurtful things Rocky said about me..ugh no. I wasn't going to side with someone who said that this lady would never be good enough. Rocky may have never said that explicitly but he did in his actions.

She's been admitted to a psyche ward and then off work on sick leave because of this heartache and while I felt sad for her, I was going through my own down time and couldn't be supportive and also felt like- why should I sympathise for a woman the same age as me with just a broken heart? I mean its not like shes lost her kids her health, has PTSD, etc...
But then I realised I Was being too harsh. On her, on me, on life. And let it go. She was never that close to me in the first place and she was one of the people who sided with the lady who tried to out me from the group over the summer so I wasn't keen on doing much now. though to be fair I did try and she rejected me. So whatever.

I'm done with that group for now.

On poly front, one friend of mine is still poly. And I try to give her advice and help. I showed her this place though i didn't mention my journal.


All in all, I'm looking for new groups to settle into and new friends to make. Finding friends is almost as hard as finding dates. LOL.
 
Crap, starlight1, definitely time for some new friends! Who needs all that drama?

Making friends takes a lot of time and effort but I find it totally worth it. I've spent years building up my network but now I feel like I have many people who have my back in various ways.

I'm sorry Shooting Star continues to struggle.

hugs to you
 
Hey Opal,
Thanks for the reply ^_^

Yeah, I am used to making adult friends with kids, and right now I'm struggling on making friends because recently it's all been childless people. There's nothing wrong with not having kids but I feel like most of my friends here are..just very very different from what I'm used to in England. I'm used to people who have travelled the world, know different cultures and languages, have adult parties, adult jobs, and/or kids, and I feel like the social group here is a bit more...adult kids? I don't know how to really explain except I feel the difference in my past and what I bring to the table. It was surprising to me to be the leader, to be the influencer and the person people wanted to go to talk to. It also was quite lonely.
And yet those who ARE adults and sure in themselves (women like in my art gallery group) viewed me as a child too. Mostly because they either a) didn't trust a woman who had left their kids, or b) saw a young pretty face and didn't see me as leader.

Exception of Lily and Diana in the girls group, all the rest of the social circle were quite young mentality or age too.

And although finding this group helped in the sense of missing my kids and having people to nurture, I really need some adult female friends.

I also don't get adult female friend time with my family either because I'm still viewed as a child from my mom and grandma.

So I feel this weird sense of displacement right now. Where I am neither an adult or a child. Where I am not completely independent because of my health, and yet I just tend to generally look sweet and innocent to most people that lures them into thinking I am a kid? I don't know.

If only they knew..hahaha. I can and have been rather hedonistic in the past.

I guess the next step is a job. I think I will work part time until I prove to myself I can hold something down consistently. I just hate being ill so often. UGH. It makes me feel like the only option I have is art, because when I try to work full time I burn out quite quickly.

A couple days ago I got a long message from Rocky.
He asked if he could book a ticket to see me in 2018. I said, Ok but why? And he said that during the time I have spent away from him, the 6 months of 2017, and now being in the USA, he realised how much he relied on me for emotional support, and how he had fucked up. He said he needed the time away to figure out himself, and what he wanted, and he thanked me for that but he wanted to pick up our relationship. And asked if that was possible?

It was a lot more than that but that's the jist of it, paraphrased for simplicity. We spoke probably 2 hours by text on the subject. I said I needed to think about it and I'd get back to him the next day.

After that we spoke again, and I clarified some questions I had.
I also laid down some ground rules.
I said you want to date me long distance?
a) I want to be monogamous because I think we'd need time to figure out if we can make this work and it would take a lot of effort to figure that out and other relationships would be a distraction from fixing this.
b) You have to admit that we were in a relationship between 2016 and 2017 when we were still having sex etc and you just considered me a fuck buddy
and
c) You have to actually acknowledge to me now that we are in a relationship with future goals and plans and social acknowledgement from this point forward
and
d) marriage has to be on the table as a discussion point down the road because I'm not interested in getting involved with you in that isnt an option
and
e)He can't call me by this nickname he used during our breakup time anymore because I hate it because it was a shortened version of my name, and I only started that in the first place to differentiate between those times because he needed to see me in a different box to keep me as a friend. It's not necessary now.
f)We need to talk more regularly, as in 3 times a week /phone or text, and once a month skype
g) he needs to appologise to my family in person when hes here for the heartache they've had to help me with because he strung me along
h)if he strings me along again this time there is no chance in hell we will ever be friends again and I will never speak to him again.
I) Any talk of children happens after he's able to talk about marriage and we sort out visa/living arrangements. which could actually work out really well for both of us.
And
J) we make plans for the future together, including my kids, and trips etc. These are to be discussed together not ultimatums.

So. He agreed to all that.

I was shocked he did. But actions will mean more than words. So we'll see.
I didn't even touch the whole facebook thing. If I never see his friend Jaden (I don't know what I named him in the past) again it will be too soon. Cant stand that snake of a man. Fucking chauvinistic upper class elitist pig! He may have his wife and Rocky fooled but not me.

I'm not really holding my breath and so far not much has changed in the way of my day to day life right now. Except that since this conversation he's initiating conversations daily with me. That's a nice surprise. I'm quite happy to sit back and let him do the heavy lifting after how much I gave to him. If he wants to show up outside my house and take me out from half way across the world, it might go a long way to me believing he's willing to step up. But the day to day actions are just as important.
 
To Thee

Of soft smells upon a hanging tree
corkscrew willows gently blowing in the breeze
mimicking life and sadness in the afternoon
the sun glint yellow of fluttering butterfly kisses
too far to be felt
sent on the breeze.

Your body swaying and staying-
like the oak and featherleaf
of wellies stuck in the mud
my heart calls
to thee.

To the fiery passion of your shifting moods
the lighting that bursts empty
flashing to fade to memory,
of a gentle whisper
I look down on Thee.

My midnight glow soft
in loving grief
The smile waxes and wanes
bathing you in salty tears
Pearlescent waves on pebbles shores
And a desperate plea:
Forgive me.
 
Last night when I called my mother out on her nagging her mother(my gran) in a patronising way, she retorted with "Sometimes I think you're 20!"
I think this was her saying she thinks I'm a child :confused:

I said cheerily and annoyingly to her "Well I'm going to take that as a compliment, because it's an improvement on thinking I'm 12!- who knows by the time I'm 60 you may believe I am 30 and that really will be a compliment!"

:cool:
 
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