So it begins...

Well we have overcome our first truly hard day together. There was a misunderstanding that caused a ripple affect of hurt. It's all sorted out now and I'm glad. I did realize during it all just how much I do care for both of my partners. Watching them hurt knowing I couldn't do anything to fix it, but had to let them work it out because it was between them. Apparently they also ended up having some pretty decent make up sex. When I got home and needed to just be held for a minute it wasn't but literally minutes after Tabitha left. Sat down and was listening to V tell me they had worked out the issue and then he tells me they had just had make up sex. Let's just say my reaction was way less than stellar. Don't get me wrong I am glad they worked it out. I was not at an emotional point to hear they had sex and I let my hurt show by storming off. I honestly expected them to have sex. I purposely didn't go home when I got off work to give them time to talk and work things out between them. I know V wasn't trying to be hurtful by telling me. Hearing they had sex hasn't bothered me until that moment. V was trying to reassure me that yes they had in fact worked things out well enough that they had sex and that the 2 of them were good. I do regret my reaction, because it hurt V. I tried to explain to him and I did sincerely apologize. I'm actually perfectly fine with the fact that they had sex now. I just needed time to unwind and calm down from the emotions of the day to digest it and talk to them both and know and see they were ok.
 
This sucks! Laying in bed with the man I'm married to and wishing the girlfriend we share was here. I spend as much time with her each day as I do him. Doesn't help. I still miss her. I hate that for now circumstances keep us from all being together as much as we want. It's not just the sex. We all enjoy just being together hanging out and doing normal things like watching tv. The night she was here with us, everything just felt right.
 
Started to write an update several times. Would either get aide tracked or was unable to find the words for what I wanted to say. Still not sure of what to say. Things are still going well.
 
Glad things are going well.

I have a hard time keeping my blog going as well. I kind of have a boring life, and can't think of what to say. "What's new?" "Oh nothing really. Same ol', same ol'."
 
That is us. We don't exactly lead an exciting life. It's home, kids, work and each other. Right now there are a couple things going on 1 of them being at work for me and her. She and I work together. I know probably not smart if things don't go well, but we keep our relationship pretty much separate from work. People at work are starting to figure out we are together. All of them are supportive and cool with it. We work with awesome open minded people. Our only concern is our director has found out and she has a bad habit of talking when she shouldn't. The people that own the business where we work are a little judgemental. One is a preacher, who got together with his wife while cheating on a previous wife. If they find out and decide to act like judgemental idiots we may have an issue. I nor Tabs will keep our mouth shut and allow someone to openly put down and judge our life especially when they are not as squeaky clean as they want people to believe they are.
 
We can only hope your director exercises some discretion ...
 
The day I dread, the day she has to go leave after being here with us.
 
You think she'll end up leaving you? :(
 
No, just meant I hate when she has been with us and then has to go back home. I see her every day at work but she can only stay at our house on weekends for now. I enjoy our completely normal boring weekends chilling on the couch watching movies or football.
 
We all have those moments where we hit an emotional wall, right? I did today/tonight. I'm trying to quit smoking so I'm having to try to learn to handle the things that stress me out differently. Today was mine and V's anniversary. Tabs was here yesterday and last night. I always go into a funk when she has to leave to go home. Can't help it. I enjoy the time we all get together just doing normal things and I miss her when she leaves. Well my funk on top of not smoking led to me hitting that emotional wall. V tried to comfort me, but he is a fixer. He wants to fix what's wrong and sometimes it's just feelings and emotions and it can't be fixed. I tried talking to Tabs some, but I think that may have only brought up to her that he and I are married and she legally can't be to either of us what we legally are to each other.

This is where it gets hard. I do love her, tho I haven't told her that yet. I'm scared that bit of information will be more than she is prepared to handle. I see that she loves him, but I don't think she will admit it. I think she feels loving him is off limits because she still sees him as my husband. She says she cares very deeply for both of us and I do not doubt that. I don't think she cares about me quite the way she does him and I feel that bothers her. I don't think he cares about her the way he does me and I think she senses that. I am the one that absolutely loves them both to no end. Love is not something I do easily, but when I do love, I love hard and with everything. I do consider both of them my partners and best friends in a way that is different from my best girl friend.

I am so completely emotionally wrung out right now. I want to give them both the world. I want her to feel comfortable loving him as she would if he were not with me. I want him to feel comfortable reciprocating that. I want her to love me, but I am not naive enough to believe or think she will ever feel for me what I do for her. If she does then I'm all for it. I know each relationship will develop into what it is going to be at its own pace. I'm ok with that because either way, I have 2 people that I'm sharing this life with. Right now we are still in a period of adjustment. I know this takes time and I'm good with slowly adjusting and letting things happen how and when they are going to happen. It gives us all time to become accustomed to and deal with the various emotions that are going to happen.
 
Comments welcome...

Envy... it's a cruel twisting little beast. It turns the most simple things with the least amount of meaning into red hot pain. Mentally I know relationships develop at different paces. Right now, envy is telling me they shouldn't. I feel very, stuck right now because this has hit me just since this weekend and I don't feel I can really speak to either of my partners about it right now. V is stressed over work, finances, and issues with our oldest child. She and I don't seem to have that emotional connection unless face to face away from work.

Right now this is just crazy hard, and my issue to deal with.
 
Breath! It sounds like you are trying to take on everyone's issues as your own. Step back. Stop worrying about how they fit together - that relationship is not yours to manage. Start to break things down into it's parts.

You go into a funk when Tabs goes home - does everyone know this, is there anything they can do for you? Leave you alone, give you space, give you hugs, etc. Let V know what he can do to lessen your stress and anxiety. He's a fixer, give him something to do, even if it's seem very small and simple.

Accept that the quitting smoking thing is going to make you emotional, agitated, etc. Again, let everyone know you are struggling with this and if there is something they can do, let them know.

Check in with everyone - are they OK? Believe what they tell you, but let them know that you need this reassurance right now as the lack of nicotine and other stresses have you on edge right now.
 
What SNeacail said. I hope you get feeling better soon!
 
My director talked and told the owners about my relationship with Tabs. I am hurt, and beyond mad. Everything about work is now changed until things die down and people quit talking. My owners responded better than expected. Not sure what Tabs is thinking or feeling right now. I haven't had a chance to talk to her today.
 
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I'm curious, because this is something I may need to know, how did people at work come to know that you and Tabs are more than best friends?

I had a best friend at work once with whom I was always joking and hanging out. I later found out that people thougt I was romantically involved with him. I have always chalked that up to gossip from the sort of people who think men and women are not allowed to be friends.

I like to keep my private life private so I wonder what kind of things might give me away like you have been?

Leetah
 
We had joked around before we became involved. Once we did become involved things kind of changed. People noticed it and started to talk amongst themselves. When they started seeing us together outside of work they knew. Doesn't help that we would catch ourselves interacting with each other like any couple will do when together. We weren't having PDAs just more body language and tones of conversations were different.
 
Been a difficult week. I have kind of been all over the place. Facing some things V pointed out to me about myself a long time ago. Kind of thought I could pack it all away and ignore it. I have learned that I can't.

Obviously I am bi, and apparently I'm somewhat wired for being poly. When V and I ventured into poly I was curious about being with a woman. It had kind of always been there since I was young. I had just never explored it. When we started in poly it came about from me discovering that not only do I fully enjoy being with men, but I enjoyed being with a woman just as much.

Our first poly experience did not go well, and it left me shoving everything I knew about me into a nice neat little box and labeling it off limits. V and I spent the next 5 years fixing our marriage. As we fixed our marriage, which we did, I was left struggling with this whole side of me that enjoys being with women. I was not going to allow myself to go back to that part of me. V could tell what I was doing and he urged me to try it again. I flat refused.

I refused until it happened even tho I didn't intend for it to. I refused even after Tabs caught and held my attention for months. Some thing only 1 other woman had done. Up until the day, actually almost minute, that i basically just threw out an offer for a 3 some with her, I refused. I finally just let go without realizing what I was doing.

Now with her in our lives, I see what V was trying to point out to me for so long. I can't pack away part of who I am and still fully enjoy being me. I can't hide the side of me that wants to be with a woman. I have to find a way to embrace that part of me like I have everything else about me. I have to understand to fully be me, I have to let that part out.

I'm learning I am capable of loving V and being bi and having a girlfriend that I also love. I'm also learning that for me that is enough. That is why I say semi poly. While I can obviously love more than 1 person and have more than 1 relationship, I'm learning I don't want more than V and a girlfriend(Tabs).

This week has been hard, but it has served a purpose. It's taught me so much about myself.
 
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