Metamour relations: Guilt vs Shame?

Leetah

Member
In the blog section people have been writing about how they think and feel about any ethical duty they may have to consider the feelings of a metamour in a cheating situation. Some people feel guilty at the hint of their behavior hurting someone and others feel they have no obligation to someone with whom they have only the most tenuous connection.

I wonder if it could be the difference between Guilt and Shame? If you are raised in a tradition that emphasizes guilt/innocence then what you believe about yourself and your behavior is paramount "I believe I have done wrong so I feel bad even if no one else knows." In contrast people who have a shame/ pride outlook feel that the perception of others is paramount "My people believe I am involved in wrong-doing so I am shamed and feel bad. The opinion of an outsider is of no consequence." Those are stark simplifications but maybe it is a cultural difference rather than an individual emotional/mental difference?

Leetah

Leetah
 
Good topic, Leetah. I've been following the conversations, too. The different perspectives are fascinating.

I do think shame has something to do with it in many cases, but I think that's too simplistic. I think codependency can be a factor, too, for those of us who were raised in dysfunctional homes, with or without addiction. And there's level of empathy, too. Some people are just naturally more empathetic and I don't think that's just because of shame or codependency.
 
I think it's also just a matter of whether you hold all people to the same standard and judge accordingly? Or maybe just breaking that code and how it ties into guilt vs shame is part of it.

I know for me, I'm not willing to be involved with someone who is cheating because I just hate all cheating on principle. Sure, I also have an element of wanting other people to show me the same courtesy... so I "do unto others" and all that. But I can often have a fair amount of apathy toward people who aren't directly friends/family/loved ones. I still treat people in general with courtesy when I don't have to go much out of my way. But specifically when it comes to infidelity, for me it's less about thinking "how could I do this to someone who is my metamour" and more about my opinion of the "shared" partner who is now cheating dropping SIGNIFICANTLY. Enough that I'm not interested in sleeping with said person anymore. If they have so little respect for their established partner, why would I expect them to respect me? How can I now trust that they don't regularly cheat? If they lie to partners about cheating, what else do they lie about? Using protection? I already hate being lied to, and to me, cheating is that and so much more, so it just it just sets off way too many alarm bells in my head.

Not that I'm saying that to judge those who are willing to sleep with someone cheating... merely pointing out that it's the personal reaction I have.

Outside of the realm of cheating though, I also just tend to try as much as possible to be respectful of my metamours (as long as it's not detrimental to me in a way that I find unacceptable). But again, in that case, if I'm not friends with the meta and respecting that person as a friend, part of the reason for respect is because this person is someone that MY PARTNER cares about. So there's a link there that plays an important role to me such that respecting my meta and the relationship that they have with my partner is, in a way, respecting my partner.

Again, there are limits to this if it becomes an issue of people crossing boundaries, mismatched priorities, etc. In which case, I generally want to have a conversation about it to make sure all are on the same page, or if the issue is a deal breaker, etc.
 
Certainly the feelings of a metamour are one of the things one must consider in deciding whether to cheat (with that metamour's partner). In fact there are quite a few things one must consider. Cheating is a complicated decision.
 
Some people are just naturally more empathetic and I don't think that's just because of shame or codependency.
I would also like to add, that empathy is an ability that can be practiced and developed. Both the empathy towards "your people" and strangers, although the first one comes much more easily (and is imho the basis for developing the second one), not to forget empathy towards oneself.

For example while I find that I can't generally be very understanding/empathetic of situations which I haven't experieced in any form. I can't read feelings that are not within my own emotional range (yet).

That is, I don't really grasp the emotional difficulty of being cheated on. I can't easily recall "feeling betrayed", so I won't mirror it in my body. I won't cheat, because it could hurt someone (including me), but I don't have an exact idea of the damage.
However I do understand the need for attention from a partner and I will be quite empathetic with my metamour if she's asking for attention.

I think we are always best in understanding similarities and bad with differences.
 
For me, this has nothing to do with guilt, shame, empathy, principles, ethics or anything other than simply not presuming to be able to legislate the lives of my loved ones. I can only know what is right for myself.
 
My main #1 issue with it, head and shoulders way way way above every other consideration, is my deep-down...cowardice?...so much nicer to say "conflict avoidance." My growing up experiences have instilled a horror of being called out for wrongdoing, and being guilty of it, and having to answer for it.

I've been humiliated for "bad" acts I was caught doing. I've been abused by parents and partners for "bad" acts I was caught doing. This doesn't mean that I'll never do anything "bad" even knowingly, but I will be damn concerned about the likelihood of getting away with it or not.

I don't want some person trying to pick a fight with me over knowingly having relations with "their" person.

I don't want the drama, hassle, and conflict. And knowing that it's possible, produces significant anxiety for me. So...shame is part of it, but fear of confrontation is another.

This is to the point where I actually have a hard time with anyone even not liking me...I do my best to be conciliatory and liked by everyone, and I have "special handling rules" for many people I know, the parameters of my behavior and speech shift depending on who I'm dealing with, and I have a very hard time even holding firm on my own boundaries, standing up for myself, even when I should. Conflict scares me, because conflict could become violence in a fraction of a second. So I do everything I can to keep those around me, as happy as possible. And to not set myself to be anybody's enemy, real or perceived.

And for most people...the person your partner cheated with, is your enemy.
 
I can't easily recall "feeling betrayed", so I won't mirror it in my body.

This is me, as well. I have long not required fidelity, even in my default-mono marriage, because I figure that if someone needs to even think about keeping himself from "cheating," then the relationship has already veered into territory I don't want to venture into. Why would I want someone to be with me for one minute out of obligation? Go forth and enjoy. I'll be just fine. Even poly-fi seems to me like an accident begging to happen. I can see discussing new potential partners, but banning them altogether? I honestly don't see the point. Prohibition never keeps desires away, it just drives them underground and then you've got even bigger problems on your hands.
 
Last edited:
I was in an "open" relationship with my ex for 4 years on and off. For 18 months he had a girlfriend that did not know that he was sexually active with other people. At the time I was seeing another guy, plus I was "out" to the majority of people in my life.
For a long time I locked up how I felt in a neat little box and pretended I was fine with things. It wasn't my problem, I technically wasn't the one doing anything wrong, I wasn't cheating etc. plus I'd been around first and it made me bitter and a bit mean towards the thought of his primary. Any other women that he met I had no issue with as long as they knew about me and surprisingly they all did.
It wore me down over time. The anology that kept coming back to me was I may not be the one robbing the bank but I was the one driving the get away vehicle.
At the end of our relationship I pretty much gave the ultimatum that he had to put his house in order - be honest or I was done. He chose to end it with me rather than be honest with his girlfriend or "come out" to his family. (Most of his friends and work colleagues knew about me and had met me but his immediate family only knew about his primary girlfriend).
I've chosen to be in a monogamous relationship now (and have been for the past year) as the whole situation put me off poly relationships. I know I shouldn't tar all poly relationships with the same brush but it just made me really gun shy.

Mentally the relationship and the deception that I aided him in has left me jaded.
 
Back
Top